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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell ExH where to go? (Summer Holiday related)

79 replies

MyHolidayYourHoliday · 04/04/2018 11:53

Name change for this.

ExH and I split when DD was 3, due to DV from him towards me. She's now 6 nearly 7. He pays less than legal minimum maintenance and I've never asked for more in 3 years since we split despite knowing his income has increased but his outgoings haven't (lives with his parents who can afford for him to work minimum/not pay them). I accommodate his requests and last minute changes without complaint, he has 1 overnight every fortnight (4pm Saturday - 4pm Sunday) but he often changes it due to work, I pay/arrange childcare if I'm working or just keep with me if not. I never ever moan. I share Christmas and her birthday despite him only having her for the 1 overnight a fortnight. He never has her more even in school holidays apart from taking her away for 10 days a year.

Since DD started school the arrangement has always been that in June half term I take her away. ExH always has her either the weekend before or after depending on how I book. Her birthday is after half term so I ensure we're back for him to see her on her birthday. I then allow him to take her away for any other week of the year, even in school term time - he's taken her out of school for a holiday every year since she started, I've never complained or taken away permission.

This year for the first time ever I've saved for us to go abroad. I cannot wait. I haven't been abroad in over 15 years, and DD has never been. All her school friends have been too Greece or Turkey or France or somewhere else, and she never has. I haven't told her yet, but I know she's going to be super excited. I am just as excited about telling her as she will be about going. It's all paid for. My DM and DBro are also coming with us so that I have a babysitter for a couple of nights if I want to go out or away from the room while DD sleeps (I probably won't - kindle and wine on the balcony for me - but the option is there if I want it)

Knowing it would be her first holiday abroad, I extended the invite to ExH and/or his parents if they paid for themselves. I've given the details of hotel and the dates we're going. DDs school has a teacher training day on the Monday after half term so we're going Monday - Monday with the plan being ExH has her for the weekend before we go. ExH said he didn't want to come and would see her the weekend before.

He has now emailed me to say he doesn't give me permission to take DD out of the country Angry. He's saying he wants to take her on her first "proper" holiday but he wants to wait until she's a bit older to understand it.

I am raging. It's less than 8 weeks to half term now. I was going to tell DD when she gets back from holiday club tonight (currently on my lunch break).

AIBU to tell him I'm taking her anyway? I've paid for her passport, will be buying all her holiday clothes, have arranged a sitter for our cats (and my mums as well). All I want is one week a year where I don't have to consider him. I don't think it's too much to ask.

If he takes me to court will the judge let me take her anyway?

OP posts:
Mumto2two · 04/04/2018 15:22

He sounds like a control freak.
As you don't have a court order in place yet, do you do need permission I'm afraid. Or apply to the court for permission to travel, if he will not grant it. Definitely get legal advice.

Mumto2two · 04/04/2018 15:25

You need to have that 'resident parent' status legally granted to be able to holiday without consent. Sounds like the OP doesn't have that yet.

Birdsgottafly · 04/04/2018 15:35

On a side note, even people who do abduct their children, often don't get charged. For the CPS to pursue it, it has to be in the Public's interest, which unless FGM/Forced Marriage etc is involved, it isn't.

Although the OP thinks that she hast got legal residency, the child resides with her. It would only be at the point of the other Parent not having access to the child, would it be of concern. The Police wouldn't be interested in a two week booked holiday by a UK Citizen.

YourWanMajella · 04/04/2018 16:34

As you don't have a court order in place yet, do you do need permission I'm afraid. Or apply to the court for permission to travel, if he will not grant it. Definitely get legal advice

In theory, but it practice no-one can prevent her from going on the holiday, unless a court order is sought and an alert put out on the names at the airport!

bastardkitty · 04/04/2018 16:45

It's not only the threat of arrest, it's also the contact order that might be issued on their return. Would you want someone who spends 24 hours a fortnight with their child to be awarded 50/50 contact of worse?

bastardkitty · 04/04/2018 16:45

*or worse

allthegoodnameshadgone · 04/04/2018 16:51

It's so unfair on the op. She will have to incur court costs will she not or if she represented herself isnit Just the £215 to apply for the residency order?

If here is no way to contact the ex but he has parental responsibility and has not been in contact for weeks and he doesnt respond to emails (no address) what then?

Can you just go on holiday or do you run the risk of them finding out and then reporting you to the police out of spite?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/04/2018 16:53

Whilst permission is required it shouldn’t be unreasonably withheld.
I would be fairly confident I would be taking my child on holiday having prevented him being a dick again

YourWanMajella · 04/04/2018 16:53

It's not only the threat of arrest, it's also the contact order that might be issued on their return. Would you want someone who spends 24 hours a fortnight with their child to be awarded 50/50 contact of worse?

Judges don't hand out residency orders as punishments, especially for going on holiday!

in the real world, single parents go on holiday with their kids all the time and nothing happens.

bastardkitty · 04/04/2018 17:04

That's terrible advice. He knows the dates and destination and has explicitly stated he does not consent.

YourWanMajella · 04/04/2018 17:13

It's not advice its the simple truth.

He still can't do anything about it unless he goes to court. He has no way of preventing it unless he does that, and the court will rule against him. So he has no way of stopping it either way!

allthegoodnameshadgone · 04/04/2018 17:30

OP your ex is a prize dickhead.

Have a lovely holiday.

Just lately there seems to be a lot of dickhead people who have parental responsibility but yet don't actually do much to support that. All I seem to read lately is people letting their kids down, scamming the system about maintenance and then playing the woe is me or being awkward for no good reason card.

I'm going though something similar and it's frustrating AF.

PotterGrangerWeasley · 04/04/2018 17:32

I strongly advise you do not take your DD out the country until you have a court order since he has refused consent. It is against the law and can be considered abduction. You need a residence order which allows you to take her abroad for up to 28 days without his consent, or a court order that lets you take her this time.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/04/2018 17:34

You can be turned away at the airport if they decided to check and you lose all your money

Original poster
MyHolidayYourHoliday · 04/04/2018 17:37

I've spoken to my solicitor and she's advised a Residency Order, so I'm going for that. Thankfully I have evidence of every time he's changed contact to suit him and also him saying he refuses permission on email so I should do ok. Will update when I've been to court.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 04/04/2018 17:38

Great update OP!

Thebluedog · 04/04/2018 17:40

I’m raging on your behalf OP. Good on you for seeing a solicitor. Gloves off now, sort the residency then sort access and don’t change or swap for him any longer. Once that has been done go to the csa. He’s taking the piss and trying to control you via your dc - vile man

spacecadet48 · 04/04/2018 17:41

MyHolidayYourHoliday brilliant news...hope this can get to court quick and then you can start enjoying the build up to your holiday!

ElsieMc · 04/04/2018 17:44

I have an RO op so can take my gs abroad without worry. Didn't realise you didn't have one. Such a shame you have to resort to this.

I note you had some advice about bringing up child support in court. The courts don't get involved in this now and you go to the CMS. They are not good, but will work out what he should pay. I do hope he is not self employed. Good luck.

AnyFucker · 04/04/2018 17:49

I hope you will revisit your previous appeasing behaviour, op

Abusive men never chsnge, they just vary the means pf attack

And of course your daughter has "suffered" by him not paying what he should. It's taken you this long to afford a foreign holiday.

Angrybird345 · 04/04/2018 17:53

Toughen up And see him for the abuser he still is. He’s finally depriving your dad. He’s a knob.

Angrybird345 · 04/04/2018 17:53

Dd - not dad!!

thousandpapercranes · 04/04/2018 17:56

Just out of interest for those who are RP, providing contact isn’t affected, how much notice to you give NRP out of courtesy? And do you give flight/hotel details or do you simply say we fly to X on such and such a date?

I’m going through a CAO and my ex is similarly twatish. At out last hearing, he ranted that I took dd out off school without his consent. It was the last day of term, which is usually half day spent watching movies and playing games 🙄.

justdontknow45 · 04/04/2018 17:58

I would go to court. Get it in writing!
He needs to give his head a wobble !
Don't risk him being an idiot before your holiday and you loosing your money and holiday, CMS, to show he can't take the piss!

GeekyWombat · 04/04/2018 18:20

Good luck OP, I hope the residency order doesn’t take too long to get issued and you all have a lovely holiday!

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