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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Well there goes the last of my friends.....

61 replies

murphys · 04/04/2018 10:32

Just to put you in picture, I am divorced so a single mum to two teenagers and therefore money is a bit tight and I have to budget well and plan meals/shopping to make ends meet.

I am not sure if any others have had this problem, but when a separation or divorce happens, there is a huge loss of friends...either as they side with the other party, or more like in my case, having been friends with couples, I am not really welcomed in that group of friends anymore, me being single is obviously more of an issue for them then for me. So be it, they weren't that good friends anyway then were they.

So really my only friends right now are one couple who both work, but are notoriously bad with money. They never have any. Their son is a spoilt brat and gets whatever he wants, whenever. He is not a small child, but of working age, doesn't contribute, rules the house.. you get the picture.

Having a conversation with the wife a 2 days ago, she was complaining about how broke they were, so much so that she couldn't even afford to buy a bar of soap, cupboards are bare, electric meter about to run out within next day or so... so yes, pretty broke.

So, me being me, feel sorry for them, so when I go shopping for myself, double up everything I buy and go around to them with 4 bags of groceries. Including 2 bars of soap, a few chocolates... She isn't home but the husband is, I say I have some shopping for them and he accepts, says thank you and it will all help, seemed appreciative.

I get a message from her last night saying thank you, I am a wonderful friend etc etc. My dc know about this, know what a tight budget we are on, so I say we should think of others before ourselves, trying to set a good example I suppose.

Now, fuck me haven't I just gone into Facebook and there the husband has a picture of a bulk pack of LAMB that he has bought from a supermarket (assume this morning), complaining about it. He is complaining as what looks like it is good meat from the top, underneath all the nice bits of lamb is basically stewing meat and ribs. And on the picture I can see the price.

Now I am a little pissed to be honest. They said to me they wouldn't be getting any money in until the 15th, If you are on such a tight budget, wouldn't you buy chicken, pork, cheaper cuts of meat, not a bloody pack of lamb, which here is the most expensive meat currently. So they obviously have received money or had sufficient funds to buy this. I can tell you that we will not be eating lamb this month, or the next I am sure. I know he has bought it himself ( it wasn't gifted) as in the facebook message he has said that he now is inconvenienced as has to drive back to the shop to get his money back.

So, basically I am short now in my grocery funds, but they are eating pretty well it seems.

Do you think I am over-reacting a bit here? I just feel a bit of a mug really.

OP posts:
LoveManyTrustfew · 04/04/2018 10:33

Never assume.

LoveManyTrustfew · 04/04/2018 10:34

Someone else may have helped them out.

Raines100 · 04/04/2018 10:36

I would find something more important to worry about.

Timefortea99 · 04/04/2018 10:36

Keep tgem as friends but don’t give them any miney or stuff to help them out. Try not to talk about money with them.

SecretBum · 04/04/2018 10:39

Sorry but I think yabu.

I moan about being skint to my bff sometimes (and vice versa) but I wouldn't expect her to turn up with groceries...if she did I would probably thank her nicely but be absolutely mortified.

What they're actually spending their money on is not your concern...but what on Earth possessed you to do a shop for them?

Orangecake123 · 04/04/2018 10:40

Nope your not being unreasonable. I felt the same way when I went shopping for a girl who sat and cried in front of me telling me that she was so broke and hungry in Macdonalds (I also paid for her burger). I wanted to help her. She also said that her flat was cold and she didn't even have sanitary towels. I turned up with a full bag of food and other items when she invited me in I felt like she had clearly lied.

user1487175389 · 04/04/2018 10:41

You didn't have to buy those things. It's kind that you did, but maybe don't do it again. Men aren't always the best at budgeting. He may have thought buying a big bit of meat would work out cheaper and that's why he was disappointed. I don't eat meat anymore so I'm not an expert.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 04/04/2018 10:42

They had probably already budgeted for food but then you bought it for them so they had some spare.

NancyDonahue · 04/04/2018 10:42

You are kind, op. But I think buying a lot of groceries is going a bit far, especially as you are on a budget yourself.

Let it go and don't do it again. In future you could offer to help with their budget plan or suggest a food bank.

Potplant · 04/04/2018 10:47

Perhaps their idea of 'broke' is a bit different from yours. Maybe somebody else gave them some money. Perhaps she was sympathizing with you and was exaggerating a little bit.

It was very kind of you and you're a great friend.

Btw, I lost nearly all of my friends when I split from my H, so I can sympathize on that front.

Original poster
murphys · 04/04/2018 10:49

Yes, thanks all. Maybe got a bit too over invested in trying to help. She was practically in tears saying that her cupboards were empty, had no clue what they were going to eat next day. So I bought the basics, rice, bread, butter, pasta, some chicken etc.

I am not in UK so there are no food banks here.

I should not just assume, you are correct, perhaps someone else helped them out.

I wont do it again though.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 04/04/2018 10:52

Well, if you can't afford a bar of soap, you can't afford a joint of lamb. You did a lovely thing, OP, you're the bigger person. But I wouldn't be buying anyone groceries again if I were you. What a shame your kindness has backfired.

GladAllOver · 04/04/2018 10:52

Sorry to divert from your question OP, but I'm just astonished that someone should be posting pictures of meat they have just bought on Facebook.
WTF?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 04/04/2018 10:53

Why did you spend your family's grocery money buying food for friends who never even asked you to do so? It was a kind thought, but it certainly doesn't give you the right to feel resentful about how they spend their money.

I think you had a generous impulse which you now regret, but I wouldn't let it stand in the way of a long standing friendship. Your friends have done nothing wrong - you are just irritated with yourself.

Original poster
murphys · 04/04/2018 10:53

Btw, I lost nearly all of my friends when I split from my H, so I can sympathize on that front

It's shit, isn't it Pot.

OP posts:
Potplant · 04/04/2018 10:58

It certainly is.

TammyWhyNot · 04/04/2018 10:58

In the end, friends are important.

It was stupid, and tactless, of him - but no-one actually asked you to do shopping for them, and if you give help or gifts, it needs to be unconditional.

I would say you are kind and thoughtful rather than a mug, but bear in mind that you do not need to buy friends.

Original poster
murphys · 04/04/2018 10:58

Glad he had taken a picture of the pack, showing that all the meat underneath the top layer is just cheaper cuts of meat. He was complaining to the supermarket via their FB page that they are deceiving customers.

I don't buy those packs as its common practice to make it all look like good meat, but that is a whole other issue Wink

OP posts:
HappyFeet1212 · 04/04/2018 11:00

I think you're lovely.
Don't write her off, ask her about the lamb. Not in a nasty way, but you can quite rightly say that you were surprised they had lamb when she said they were skint. Then just see what she says.

GladAllOver · 04/04/2018 11:03

Thank you for clarifying that murphys

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/04/2018 11:07

Is he, maybe, financially controlling her? So she spoke the literal truth when she said she didn't have the money for groceries/soap etc, because he had the money - maybe he said she was so bad at budgeting that he was going to take over the food shopping?

Their son has to have picked up his attitude from somewhere...

PercyPigAddict · 04/04/2018 11:08

Bit of a long shot, but is it possible that her dh felt embarrassed about receiving charity so he's deliberately posted about buying expensive meat? To de-emasculate himself (is that a word?!) Just a thought, and obviously doesn't explain how he could afford to buy it if they're so broke.

Pinkvoid · 04/04/2018 11:13

They didn’t ask for help, you gave the food of your own free will and it was a very generous act. They also didn’t book a holiday to Dubai, it’s just a pack of lamb...

abigailsnan · 04/04/2018 11:17

Murphys You are a true friend but have you considered that your friends may have had this lamb since maybe xmas in their freezer and have only just decided to use it.

Original poster
murphys · 04/04/2018 11:24

Zaphod you make a good point here. I didn't really think too much into in, but now that I do think about it, I have heard her asking him for money before. It was a silly thing, their son wanted a particular energy drink at a sporting event. They weren't for sale there and it meant a trip to the shop. He had a mini meltdown as she said no (he was about 18 then) and then she said something along the lines of you know you have to ask your father anyway.

Its not blatantly obvious, but you never know what happens in other marriages.

I honestly didn't think he seemed embarrassed.

OP posts: