Well there goes the last of my friends.....

[murphys]

Just to put you in picture, I am divorced so a single mum to two teenagers and therefore money is a bit tight and I have to budget well and plan meals/shopping to make ends meet.

I am not sure if any others have had this problem, but when a separation or divorce happens, there is a huge loss of friends...either as they side with the other party, or more like in my case, having been friends with couples, I am not really welcomed in that group of friends anymore, me being single is obviously more of an issue for them then for me. So be it, they weren't that good friends anyway then were they.

So really my only friends right now are one couple who both work, but are notoriously bad with money. They never have any. Their son is a spoilt brat and gets whatever he wants, whenever. He is not a small child, but of working age, doesn't contribute, rules the house.. you get the picture.

Having a conversation with the wife a 2 days ago, she was complaining about how broke they were, so much so that she couldn't even afford to buy a bar of soap, cupboards are bare, electric meter about to run out within next day or so... so yes, pretty broke.

So, me being me, feel sorry for them, so when I go shopping for myself, double up everything I buy and go around to them with 4 bags of groceries. Including 2 bars of soap, a few chocolates... She isn't home but the husband is, I say I have some shopping for them and he accepts, says thank you and it will all help, seemed appreciative.

I get a message from her last night saying thank you, I am a wonderful friend etc etc. My dc know about this, know what a tight budget we are on, so I say we should think of others before ourselves, trying to set a good example I suppose.

Now, fuck me haven't I just gone into Facebook and there the husband has a picture of a bulk pack of LAMB that he has bought from a supermarket (assume this morning), complaining about it. He is complaining as what looks like it is good meat from the top, underneath all the nice bits of lamb is basically stewing meat and ribs. And on the picture I can see the price.

Now I am a little pissed to be honest. They said to me they wouldn't be getting any money in until the 15th, If you are on such a tight budget, wouldn't you buy chicken, pork, cheaper cuts of meat, not a bloody pack of lamb, which here is the most expensive meat currently. So they obviously have received money or had sufficient funds to buy this. I can tell you that we will not be eating lamb this month, or the next I am sure. I know he has bought it himself ( it wasn't gifted) as in the facebook message he has said that he now is inconvenienced as has to drive back to the shop to get his money back.

So, basically I am short now in my grocery funds, but they are eating pretty well it seems.

Do you think I am over-reacting a bit here? I just feel a bit of a mug really.

It's really tricky. I live on bread and butter mostly and one evening meal. But we've just sunk money in the bathroom to make it safe for our boys. It'll look amazing because DH is a pretty dab hand but if I were to have a whinge to a friend and then fix up my bathroom it would look pretty bad. Saying that, it's all going on the credit card but we had nails sticking out of the floor and broken tiles and ds1 is now starting to walk

If they are that bad with money, it is possible that they honestly do not know how to feed a family for less than that.

Plus, after that update, I'd seriously consider the possibility that they are not quite as badly off as the father wants the mother to think.

I found, after my divorce, I lost a boatload of friends. And the ones who either lingered or the new ones I made were all super needy types. I found myself lending money and doing shopping (just like you!) at at time when I myself didn't have a pot to piss in.

Don't overinvest. Your BFF right now is YOU, OP. Do this for you. Do this for your kids. Charity begins at home and all that. Right now, it really does.

I wouldn't end the friendship because of the lamb. I'd disengage from anyone expecting over-investment. You don't need hangers on right now. You first. Your kids first. Dial back the empathy for others right now.

It IS shit, the post-divorce friendship nosedive. But over the years, I've realised that I didn't 'lose' friends. Life offered me a much-needed spring cleaning and I got the cobwebs out of my life. The friends I have now are few but wonderful. Quality. Not quantity.

Yabu sorry. They never asked you to help them and you shouldn't have done it if you've left yourself short now. Also you don't cant dictate what people spend their money on.

So, basically I am short now in my grocery funds

Yes it was nice and kind but why on earth would you leave yourself short for food money to feed someone else? Its different if you could afford it!

Abigail, no he definitely just bought it either yesterday or today. He was complaining that this now meant another trip back to the shop when he had just been.

I was a bit peed off earlier when I initially posted, but I see now I have made more of it than I should have. Lesson learned. But I don't regret helping her out, in mind I know they aren't going hungry (or smelly ) if there is more to this that meets the eye.

Perhaps the money that was spent on the lamb was literally all the money they had in their food budget until the 15th and were prioritising feeding themselves over buying soap. Could be that the favour you did for them made all the difference and made that small bit of cash "spare money" and they decided to treat themselves.

I really wouldn't assume they're being cheeky as that will just cause a rift. The big issue is their son, he needs to get a job and contribute if he's an adult and putting them in a position where they can't afford to feed themselves.

I wouldn't be doing anything for them again. They sound like they've taken advantage which is what the meltdown from the wife was designed to elicit.

Thank you @theVanguardSix

You are spot on. Thanks, think I needed to read this today.

They bought the lamb because they had extra money....because you did their shopping.

Perhaps you think they ought to have spent the extra on a hair vest? Or maybe some rags?

Aww you're very welcome murphys. I totally feel your plight!
You're just a lovely, kind person- a giver.
And because you're going through a tough time yourself, you're trying to spread the love and make the world a better, happier place by giving. Goodness and true friendship will always find its way back to you.
But for now, love you and your teens first.

Ok Ajas, you are entitled to post what you please.

Hair vest?? Really.

I think that what Vanguard says touches on an important point I don't think it was coincidental that the few friends she kept after her break-up were 'needy', or that she ended up helping out so much. She was probably, consciously or unconsciously, feeling the loss of old friends, and feeling she needed to put extra work in as a 'helper' to keep the few or attract new ones. And, honestly, OP, it's a dangerous dynamic to set up not just when you feel like a mug, as now, but because you end up making yourself invisible within the 'friendship', because what you are saying when you rush to help out all the time is 'My company is not worthy of sustaining a friendship -- I have to give you things/help out/be the shoulder to cry on to 'earn' your friendship because I'm not enough in myself.'

My mother, now a very lonely person in her mid-70s, is reaping the benefits of being the 'invisible' helper/listening ear/shoulder to cry on all her life, and it's a depressing thing to see.

Believe that you are enough, that you are worthy of being friends in and of yourself.

Were you buying the food because of your own guilty feelings. Why else would you 'kindly' buy them food, but then feel cheated and used when they buy something for themselves? You were happy to be short on your grocery funds in one context, yet then were really annoyed in another.
They obviously have smart phones and wifi if they are taking pics and posting them to Facebook. They probably have a good few TV channels as well and drive at least one car.
A bar of own brand soap in Tesco is 25p!

In future, don't offer them money or buy them food, unless they ask you in which case then say, can you give me a bit of time on that so I can see how I'm fixed myself this month. Direct them to social services or the charities that provide food parcels in your local area.
Chocolates are fine because that's a present, but presents of other groceries can be demeaning if not asked for, and be wary that it could change the nature of your relationship with them.
Maybe the husband felt bad about getting the groceries and had to post on Facebook to show that he could afford a big pack of lamb and is not 'a charity case'.

I think that what you did was lovely and something that a true friend would do. So what they not directly ask you to do their shopping but that is what they did by telling you that their cupboards were bare and the lack of soap. If my friend were to tell me that, I too would have shopped for them. It's called love and charity. Something that the world needs more of in fact, not less.

What the friend did on fb was bad taste. They know that you are on FB too. The thing is, is that your generosity is what is taken advantage of, and you now have to show grace and more love and look past it or say something which could further isolate you at this time. They say 'once bitten, twice shy', you will reassess what they are saying next time.

But when you do find true friends, don't hold back, jump in deep. The real true friends will reciprocate and support you and your sons through this time. Don't stop hoping or loving.You sound like true friend material .

I'm afraid you fell for a bunch of cheeky fuckers who misuse the good will and good heart of others.
Lessons learned - try to distance yourself from them and also from those, who start hinting at being in dire need because they see a generous soul. Be generous to yourself and your children. Spend some nice time with them, save the money on a nice weekend or holiday with them, not needy cheeky fuckers.

They may have been bought/gifted it and he is wording it as “I bought” on social media as he hopes to complain to the company and get his money back. Doesn’t sound so good writing “my wife’s neighbours cousin got this on sale and gave it to us, and....”

I think what you did was a lovely gesture, and one done without any motives. That's rare these days. I had a much younger friend than me who was struggling with money and had asked me to book concert tickets and she'd give me the money back. I felt so bad for asking when it came to it that I decided to treat her, including the train there and back, and a meal/drinks while we were out. Cost me the best part of £200 that I really didn't have to waste. A few days later, she put a photo on FB with a status saying beauty haul and how she'd spent over £100 on the Dior counter in her lunchbreak and had had her nails done. I was so angry, that I commented "oh lucky you, my kids and I are eating beans on toast for the rest of the month after our night out". I was the one that chose to make myself short, however, and it was a hard lesson learned. And oddly enough, once I stopped paying for her the friendship quickly waned. Don't be angry, be proud that you are capable of such a lovely gesture - don't get sucked into her tales of woe again . There is often a reason why people aren't managing their finances......

You did a lovely, kind thing and in your shoes I'd probably have done the same.

You never know what goes on in other people's minds but as others have said upthread, maybe the husband was upset over being the recipient of 'charity' and needed to save face. Maybe he's an arse who keeps his wife short while showing off how he can afford expensive meat. Maybe someone gave them money to buy 'something nice' and they chose to spend on something to eat. Maybe they managed to find a way to get paid early...the possibilities are endless.

I'd be hurt too, so I can understand why you are, but there's possibly another side to it other than "they took my money then splashed out". I don't think your friendship is toast quite yet :)

Give them a break. If they are displaying a pack of lamb on Facebook, this again suggests that they are very badly off.

You are giving with strings attached. Accept my bounty but continue to be Needy. How dare you buy lamb!

you are not giving from the right perspective.
Perhaps they had already paid for it.
Perhaps they won it.
either way, not your concern.

I would double check the date of the post he made, just in case it was before you bought them some food. I have had posts come up on facebook from friends from weeks or more ago, esp when posted on company sites.

It was very kind of you to double up on your shopping for them op. Funny how it is always those who don't have much money themselves who are the most generous. I worked for a cancer charity and volunteered collecting occasionally and our biggest givers were always in the poorest areas.

I wouldn't get too steamed up about the lamb pack tbh. Someone in their family may have helped out and it is food, an essential. It is not as though they have gone out somewhere swanky for dinner.

My neighbour regularly tells me how hard up she is and that she has to work to afford a holiday - her dh has a good job. But she has just got a brand new car and has been to Disney land Florida recently so I guess being hard up is all relative isn't it. I drive a hideous banger and haven't had a holiday for a while and I am stupid enough to have sympathised! Hasten to add I don't feel hard done by.

I would tend to take what they say a little more lightly in future but don't feel annoyed with yourself over your kindness.

Perhaps the DH is a spendthrift? spends a fortune on a leg of lamb but doesnt buy any essentials?
dont lose your friendship over this op.
i dont believe she asked to do go shopping for her

YANBU. You done a nice things if it was a surprise, I have done and would do the same for a friend. Respect to you for helping.

Like you, My friend I was doing it for was terrible with money, and like that would treat herself massively on payday and depend on others the rest of the time.

She had been keeping creche tax credit money, arrears in her rent a disaster, A lovely person but I had to pull back.

When you are sensibly meal planning, they get a few big from wherever and splash out on lamb, they could have filled the fridge with cheaper cuts.