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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*Potentially triggering* someone's saying they sexually assaulted me

57 replies

Neverender · 03/04/2018 17:40

This is such a weird, creepy situation to be in, but I lived with my best friend (let's call her Anna) and her fiancé (let's call him Simon) for a year, about 10yrs ago. They have since split up and I haven't seen him for all that time. Neither has Anna.

I got a message on Facebook from Simon's brother at the weekend to say that he's been telling him that he 'intimately touched' me when I was passed out drunk one night.

I'm really looking for advice as to what the hell I now do with that gem of information. Either it's a) not true (I have zero recollection of anything like this happening), or b) true but I have no memory of it.

I've told Anna and she is angry but he was always a bit creepy so it is believable. I'm on the verge of just deciding it didn't happen. I can't go to the police as I don't remember anything at all.

Any help appreciated. Posted here for traffic.

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 03/04/2018 17:46

I wouldn't do anything.

picklemepopcorn · 03/04/2018 17:47

I would put it to the back of your mind. Don't let him occupy any headspace at all. I'd block him and his brother.

Original poster
Neverender · 03/04/2018 17:47

That's what I'm thinking at the moment... it won't result in anything so there's not much point but if it's not true, why would anyone make that up?!

OP posts:
esk1mo · 03/04/2018 18:08

i dunno, does he have the confession in writing? personally id be outraged.

this happened to me but i didnt have any evidence so couldnt do anything about it. it also happened to several girls i know by one guy, he was convicted of rape, so you never know how many other girls he has
done it to.

im unsure on the law though, does it matter if you dont remember? if someone steals your purse and confesses, but you didnt know it had been stolen, then a crime is still committed.

i guess its up to you and how you feel. but id be furious.

Problematique · 03/04/2018 18:11

Of course you can go to the police. His brother telling you that is evidence.

It's up to you however, whether you want to.

Notevilstepmother · 03/04/2018 18:13

If you do find it upsets you later on, you could contact your local rape crisis or similar and talk it through with someone, it might help.

NotTakenUsername · 03/04/2018 18:15

Surely either Simon or his brother is in trouble here?

Simon if he did it, brother for causing undue distress/slander if he didn’t.

NotTakenUsername · 03/04/2018 18:16

Agree with Problematique.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 03/04/2018 18:19

I also wouldn’t do anything. You won’t get anywhere with a prosecution but it is likely to be enourmously stressful. I wish it wasn’t like that, but no point pretending

NotTakenUsername · 03/04/2018 18:25

I disagree. By reporting it with this evidence you become an important statistic that could effect change in the future.
Of course I agree it would be unlikely to go further than that, unless of course he has form and this would add evidence to an existing case.
Either way you would have a legal point of view, as well as opinions from this thread. They will likely be able to direct you to some sort of supportive services too.

Stillscreaming · 03/04/2018 18:25

I've no advice to offer but I'm sorry that happened.

Sn0tnose · 03/04/2018 18:25

I think NotEvil's suggestion of contacting your local rape crisis centre is a very sensible thing to do. Talking it through in confidence with a professionally trained person is likely to help you decide how you feel about it, which will help you decide what to do next.

coconuttella · 03/04/2018 18:35

I wonder why this guy’s brother decided to message you this? It seems an odd thing to do.

Lweji · 03/04/2018 18:37

It looks like he's trying to mess with your head.
So, I'd take it to the police. It's his own written admission.
At the very least he should get a fright, or called out for harassment if he's lying.

Lweji · 03/04/2018 18:39

Ups, sorry. I didn't read it properly. It looks like his brother is concerned and decided to do something about it.

Or messing up.

I'd still take it to the police.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/04/2018 18:52

Or, his brother is a) an immature prankster who thinks that sort of thing is funny/ b) the brother wants to be revenged on 'Simon' for something else and is therefore spreading malicious stories.

I have occasionally encountered this sort of thing before - men spreading 'dangerous predator' false stories about other men for reasons of their own. Given the current climate regarding sexual mistreatment, what better way to screw up the life of a man you consider an enemy or a rival than to make up stories of this vague nature and spread them.

Given that you don't remember any such thing happening, the odds are quite good that no such thing happened. I think trying to report it to the police would be a miserable and stressful experience for you with no benefits whatsoever. Bearing in mind that even if Simon did do this, and did tell his brother, it would be down to which brother was believed as no evidence could be produced either way after all this time.

Sleephead1 · 03/04/2018 19:21

so sorry that you ar3 going through this op must be awful I can't imagine getting that message. So this is just my opinion but this did happen to me when I was 17 and asleep by a male friend I woke up to it. I was extremely shocked and I didn't do anything about it I've only ever told one person at the time. For me what I've found hard is the not knowing why did he do it i thought he was my friend and how long it went on for, what did he do to me. I went to sleep on his sofa bed after night out when I woke in morning it was happening I know it wasn't my fault but I've always felt ashamed about it but I just wish I could know what had happened. Is his brother a trust worthy person ? would you feel comfortable trying to find out more information? I really hope you have support for this awful shock. I think discussing with the police only you can make that decision of course if he did this he should be punished but I don't know if they could take it any further now and I imagine it would not be a nice experience for you. If his brother is making lies up that would also be very worrying but I'm not sure how likely that is. Does your friend know much about the brothers relationship ?

BrendasUmbrella · 03/04/2018 19:21

She has a message from his brother saying he said he did it. Let's be real, that is probably going to be taken more seriously by the police than if she'd woken and caught him and reported it at the time.

I would report it to the police as is. It will probably go nowhere, but it will have to be investigated and if it scares the shit out of the creep he may be less likely to do it again.

NotTakenUsername · 03/04/2018 19:32

BrendasUmbrella I sadly have to totally agree with you! OP has more evidence than most victims of sexual assault. Either Simon or his brother have something to answer for here.

picklemepopcorn · 03/04/2018 21:05

Surely it's hearsay, though? Anyway, I'm going to leave it with OP.

Original poster
Neverender · 03/04/2018 21:09

Oh god, I really don't know what to do now. I'll call the helpline and see what they suggest - is that a good course of action?

OP posts:
Camdenlife33 · 03/04/2018 21:15

Report it.

I know it was a long time ago, but if he was comfortable sexually assaulting you whilst you were passed out back then, god knows what he could have escalated to 10 years down the line.

As you say, he has always given off creepy vibes. There is a chance that he could have taken his lack of boundaries and pervy behaviour further. It would be good for the police to know about his previous sexual assaults in case anything else has happened

I don’t think this sort of creepy, pervy behaviour just goes away

ReanimatedSGB · 03/04/2018 21:19

Yes, calling the helpline is probably a good option.
And try not to worry - it is perfectly possible that nothing ever happened to you, given that you don't remember it at all.

Camdenlife33 · 03/04/2018 21:21

I know this is hard to process but he violated you and you’ll never know the true extent of what happened - I would want to take this to the police. Intimate touching could be anything from a bum squeeze to undressing you/him and taking it much further but stopping short of full penetration. This isn’t normal and most people would recognise this as assault as you could not consent. Beyond disgusting and creepy.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/04/2018 21:28

But OP doesn't know if any violation ever occurred at all. She's been told something occurred, by some random bloke saying he's the brother of her flatmate's ex-boyfriend.

OP, do you know that your 'informant' actually is 'Simon's brother? Is he someone you know? I would be much more inclined to put the whole thing down to some shitstirring nutjob and ignore it. For one thing, there are people who would attempt to stir up a fuss with a message like this in order to 'prove' that women are vindictive liars who can be persuaded to make false claims and ruin innocent men. There's a whole culture out there of rather nasty individuals who like stirring other people up because they think it's funny.

Given that neither OP or 'Anna' have had any contact with 'Simon' in over 10 years, I can't see how taking one random message seriously would have any beneficial consequences for either of them when there is no proof of anything, at all.

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