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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Compassionate leave for loss of baby at 17 +6

83 replies

Aloneandscared25 · 03/04/2018 17:36

Yesterday morning I lost my baby girl, at home we have another daughter who requires around the clock care and is scheduled to go to surgery on Friday.
My partner who quite frankly right now is a broken man has been refused compassionate leave and apparently by law
Our little girl was under 24 weeks gestation so doesn’t count as a “ loss of child “
Requiring compassionate leave.
They have said he can’t have the next few days off due to staffing however next week can take a few days holiday as he wish.
AIBU to be angry, I just want him at home with us.

OP posts:
NorthernSky77 · 03/04/2018 17:52

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.
I'm also angry for you that your husbands work haven't been able to show compassion for your situation. The legalities shouldn't have to come into it. You are grieving and you need to be together right now.
It's annoying that you've tried to do the right thing by asking for the leave only to be turned down and I suppose calling in sick will be tricky now because of that.
'It's a family emergency, we need to be together NOW not next week'... I'd be calling in tomorrow with that.

LIZS · 03/04/2018 17:52

So sorry, agree with asking gp to sign him off. First few days he can self certify.

Sirzy · 03/04/2018 17:54

Unless you would only get SSP (and even then if needed obviously) tell him to phone in sick tomorrow and then get to the GP and signed off for long enough to get through this and to some “normality” post op.

LittleOwl153 · 03/04/2018 17:55

Definitely agree with going to the docs and getting a sick note.
Another option but possibly unpaid - given your older child's situation can he not get carers leave? Everyone working is entitled to ascertain amout up to the age of 12 I think...
www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1637

Original poster
Aloneandscared25 · 03/04/2018 17:56

Thankyou for you advice and support I will talk to him when the children are in bed
Thankyou again.

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 03/04/2018 18:01

I'm so sorry. Agree with calling in sick and getting signed off with stress.

Drainedandconfused · 03/04/2018 18:02

So sorry for your loss, yes he should be signed off to grieve, give you emotional support and co care for your DD.
I hope her surgery on Friday is successful and she recovers quickly Flowers

PinkCrystal · 03/04/2018 18:02

My husband received compassionate leave for this 3 times. So sorry for your loss xx

Bluntness100 · 03/04/2018 18:04

As much as this is awful sometimes employers have no choice if it leaves them short staffed and unable to cope. I would hope they are saying no because they would be totally fucked otherwise and not just a lack of compassion. Ask him which he thinks it is

Calling in sick after requesting leave and being denied is always going to be difficult, as clearly it looks like it's a deliberate ploy that can count against the employee going forward.

Is his employment secure? Is he otherwise seen as a good employee?

I'm sorry for both your loss and what you're going through. The reason for my post is because the last thing you all need is him to lose his job as well.

darkriver198868 · 03/04/2018 18:05

No advice but wanted to say sorry for your loss xx

Andro · 03/04/2018 18:05

GP is the way to go!

As a manager though, I would (and have) granted discretionary leave for these circumstances.

Malbecfan · 03/04/2018 18:06

So sorry to read Flowers. Get DH to GP asap and get signed off

NapQueen · 03/04/2018 18:06

I had a loss at 11.5 weeks and was in a considerable amount of physical pain coupled with excessive bleeding and of course the emotional distress and grief. Had dh not been around for the week or two afterwards to help with dc1 and with my needs I dont know what I would have done.

So so sorry for your loss, especially how far past the assumed "safe period" it was and the additional strains of an ill child. And incredibly sorry to hear that his work are not supportive.

Tell him to take the rest of the week off sick minimum if nothing else to step in with the children so you can rest.

overnightangel · 03/04/2018 18:08

“I'd call in sick in a heartbeat. Fuck them.”
This x1000

His work sound like pricks, what a caring company

Notevilstepmother · 03/04/2018 18:09

I agree he should call in sick and see his GP. Working with looked after children if you don’t feel 100% isn’t a good idea. The children he works with will know he is upset and it’s not fair on him or them.

ScipioAfricanus · 03/04/2018 18:09

I’m so sorry for your loss. He should be able to be signed off sick by GP with stress/mental health issues, hopefully for a 7 day note.

I work with young people and it’s shocking how inumane workplaces in education are to these situations, in my observational experience.

Hope he can be home with you soon and that things go well with your daughter’s surgery.

ItMadeMyEyesWater · 03/04/2018 18:10

I am so sorry for your loss. I really do know how you both feel. xx

CatkinToadflax · 03/04/2018 18:11

So sorry to hear this OP. Just awful. Thinking of you Flowers

My DS was born at 24 weeks so DH received his 2 weeks' paternity leave, however after that he had to get the GP to sign him off sick because his employer (a very well known national charity) refused compassionate leave due to 'birth of extremely premature baby' not being on their list of reasons for compassionate leave. Some employers are absolute arseholes. Flowers

Yogagirl123 · 03/04/2018 18:11

So sorry for your loss OP, of course you need your DH home with you. I am sure the GP will sign him off under the circumstances. Why some employers are so heartless amazes me at times, not the way to get the best out of people. Flowers

RatRolyPoly · 03/04/2018 18:12

Echoing the chorus, a broken man is not well enough to be in work. Absolutely no question.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

SaucyJane · 03/04/2018 18:15

Flowers OP, so very very sorry for your loss. Hope all goes well with the surgery.

8oOoOoOo8 · 03/04/2018 18:32

Definitely he needs to phone in sick. Stress/ depression. I'm sure a dr will sign him off (quite rightly so).

DBoo · 03/04/2018 18:37

So sorry for your loss. As others have said calling in sick is the answer. Having said that, if you are not in a good way that could be a loophole. My work give leave of absence if someone who depends on you requires care.

So sorry for your loss. I hope you have lots of support around you.

MammaTJ · 03/04/2018 18:39

So sorry for your loss. His bosses are inhumane!

I agree with all those saying he should phone in sick, with stress/depression. After all, he is stressed/depressed by the loss of our baby.

Sparklesdontshine · 03/04/2018 18:39

I'm so sorry xx