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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to deny DH his leisure time?

61 replies

Espastar · 03/04/2018 17:30

Heavily pregnant, have one 2 y/o DC. DH is currently finishing off a fairly large house project which he is completing alone. We are very much behind schedule and baby is due within few short weeks, baby's room is non-existant. Have barely bought any of what we need due to limited space as there are tools/ wood everywhere.
I am taking care of DC alone much of the time, however I'm now exhausted, struggling with some pregnancy related issues and feel I need help with DC and a break!! My parents are unable to help as they live too far away.
There is no time for leisure or catching up with friends or atleast very little time. Both DH and I work, I have not gone on ML yet. We now have a week off together and I want to get everything complete before baby's arrival.
DH has a few hobbies which he is frustrated at not having time to do at present. I have no time for hobbies either as taking care of DC whilst DH completes the project.
DH spent an afternoon doing his hobby at the weekend whilst I took care of DC single-handedly again. Did bedtime/bath time routine/cooked dinner/ cleared up etc whilst DH was out. He's now asking for another afternoon this week. Im drained and exhausted. I never tell him no. But have said "I feel I'm looking after DC single-handedly a lot and I.find it so much easier when there's 2 of us. Im drained and need a break" DH then asked me to list every occasion and justify the way I'm feeling whilst also arguing how little down time he's had lately.
I've had very little too! He even tried pointing out that visiting my Gran in hospital classed as my downtime and furniture shopping. Im completely exhausted. Going to bed v early etc and DH is still managing his usual late nights,it's quite clear that I'm not coping with this single parenting so often. I find it so much easier when DH is around to help and my own jobs have been pushed to one side as this project takes precedent. Im trying to plan and prepare for baby too with no help. I have denied DH this extra hobby time he's asked for and I feel guilty and unreasonable yet upset and angry that he's made me justify why I don't want another afternoon/day whatever solely taking care of DC, particularly when there is so much to do before baby arrives. Me having some rest and down time is the least of his priorities and he seems only bothered about his lack of hobby time.

OP posts:

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 03/04/2018 17:47

No, you're NBU. Sometimes there are so many responsibilities that hobbies cannot be pursued. Not ideal, and I imagine it must be very tough for both of you at the moment, but given that you're heavily pregnant your need for rest has to be a higher priority than his. Under ordinary circumstances you would need to evenly split the five minutes a week leisure time.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/04/2018 18:00

Are there any demands on your time (both of you) that can be temporarily dumped? Can you eg let housework go hang for a bit, cut down on running around after relatives - or request help from them?

Because it's quite important to schedule leisure time for both of you. A life that consists of nothing but chores is dismal and no one can endure it for long. Better to cut back on stuff you 'should' be doing but which isn't going to put any lives at risk if ignored, than on leisure.

Original poster

Espastar · 03/04/2018 18:26

We have dumped other demands on our time, out-sourced the gardening, some cleaning and childcare where possible. I tend to get downtime with friends in the evening when DC is in bed if I can muster up the energy. I just find I'm finding anxiety an issue at present too as I feel there's so much going on, sometimes it feels kinder to stay at home and rest. DH's hobbies can only be done during the day time. Any down time I do get, I just want to sit in a quiet room. DH is managing to spend time with DC in short bursts this week as I have 4 pregnancy- related appointments this week. Feels I'm either looking after DC alone or being poked and prodded. Trying my best to give DH as much time as possible to complete everything in the time we have, but just don't have the energy in me to be honouring any of his hobbies aswell.

OP posts:

orangesmartieseggs · 03/04/2018 18:34

I think you both need some down time - it's really important that everyone has some "time out" from family life on a regular basis, even if that's just to wallow in the bath for hours.

Making him give up his hobbies isn't the solution - you need demand your own downtime as well. Get up one morning, tell him you're off and you'll be back at say, 2pm, and go. He's a parent too, he's quite capable of looking after his son on his own while you go out and do your own thing.

I'm sorry you're feeling rubbish though

Personalsituations99 · 03/04/2018 18:35

He needs to give you a day to just REST before the baby arrives. You just gave him his day. Can you not book a spa day to revive. Yes you've clearly both earnt it. But he has had some time and you have not!

Quartz2208 · 03/04/2018 18:37

agree an afternoon each and take it from there

ReanimatedSGB · 03/04/2018 18:42

OK, is there enough money to outsource some of this building project? or any friends with relevant skills who could be brought in to help with it?

Big building projects when a baby is due (or you have small DC anyway) are never a good idea but I appreciate that circumstances may have made it unavoidable. However, if the H is the sort who has always got to be remodelling the house and the sort who botches it and takes forever over it, maybe have a talk about no more projects once this one is settled?

Original poster

Espastar · 03/04/2018 18:45

If I take an afternoon this week, that will be absolutely no full days spent as a family whatsoever for the whole week. It's either me looking after DC whilst DH does DIY/he looks after DC whilst I attend appointments or I look after DC whilst DH does hobbies so I just wanted one day we could all spend together uninterrupted. I will now have to choose between much needed family time and much needed down time for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Espastar · 03/04/2018 18:47

DH refuses to outsource any 'work' on the house whatsoever. He believes he's the only person capable of doing it well. He's such a perfectionist... it takes him forever to complete anything.

OP posts:

Sunshinegirl82 · 03/04/2018 18:53

I agree you both need downtime so either:

you agree to each have an afternoon off to do what you will (hobbies, rest etc); or
you both have an evening or 2 off (as that seems to be the easier time to take time out) and do what you can in that time.

Everyone needs downtime but in tricky circumstances like this you can't always have it exactly when you want, doing exactly what you want. Obviously this won't always be the case and I'm sure he can pick the hobby back up in a few weeks/months when everything has calmed down.

Try and get some rest OP, you need it.

TomRavenscroft · 03/04/2018 19:04

He even tried pointing out that visiting my Gran in hospital classed as my downtime and furniture shopping.

What a tit.

YANBU.

BrownTurkey · 03/04/2018 19:23

Justify the way you’re feeling? He really asked you to do that, when you are heavily pregnant?

Original poster

Espastar · 03/04/2018 19:34

He wanted me to explain why I felt I'd looked after DC single-handedly so much. I then had to list how often I'd lone parented in the last couple of weeks. It's like he's oblivious. If I asked him the same question, he will have lone parented next to zero before I attend my appointments this week.

OP posts:

Original poster

Espastar · 03/04/2018 19:38

Also my evening downtime has been stressing over ordering furniture/ things for baby over the internet many evenings. None of which I'm able to do without his permission and say so... He often has trouble with the way I spend money. But if I don't get ready for the baby soon, we're going to be in such a mess by the time it arrives. I had PND the first time and this chaos before the arrival of the baby is only going to send me down the same route. My anxiety is already on over-drive. DH has pointed out that I "don't seem very positive" and used the word "concerned" but that's it. No attempt to alleviate anything.

OP posts:

NapQueen · 03/04/2018 19:41

Why cant you order stuff for the baby without dhs permission?

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 03/04/2018 19:50

It's all very well demanding downtime but if there are things that urgently need to be done and not enough time to do them in, it's not a possibility.

That said, based on your most recent post about him refusing to outsource, there is leisure time available here. It would be different if he were having to do the work himself because you can't afford to pay someone to do it. So it's his behaviour that needs to change, not yours, in order to facilitate free time.

orangesmartieseggs · 03/04/2018 20:04

It's all very well demanding downtime but if there are things that urgently need to be done and not enough time to do them in, it's not a possibility.

Of course it's possible. If there's time in the day for OP's DH to do his hobbies, there's time for OP to have some downtime too.

swingofthings · 03/04/2018 20:06

I will now have to choose between much needed family time and much needed down time for me.
Why is family time much needed if both of you feel resentful and knackered? It doesn't sound like quality time. I think 1/2 a day each to do something that will be relaxing to you whatever it is is the best thing to do. When your OH does his hobby, he probably forgets about everything else and relax which means that he will be more hands on to get on with things when he needs to.

The problem seems to be that you are struggling to find a way to do the same. You too need to relax and clear your mind. I know that exhaustion makes this difficult but isn't there anything you could do that would really mean you get to relax?

LannieDuck · 03/04/2018 20:09

You could suggest that you all go furniture shopping (for the baby) together. That way you'll both get some downtime as well as getting a job done :)

...or does he only class it as downtime when you're doing it?

ReanimatedSGB · 03/04/2018 20:10

OK. Your problem is not that this man has hobbies, is it? He's controlling, selfish and a shit husband.
Funnily enough, 'enthusiasm for DIY' is occasionally an abuse red flag, if it means endless inconvenience while jobs are started but not finished and all the available spare cash and free time is taken up with these usually unnecessary 'projects' - it's another way of keeping the wife housebound, inconvenienced and constantly wrong-footed.

Start looking for external support of some kind, OP. Friends, relatives - even if it's only on the phone or social media or whatever. Do not let this prick isolate you. And don't be sucked into the idea of 'family time' being more important than time for you.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 03/04/2018 20:27

There’s no time right now for your husband to do his hobbies. He needs to finish the building off and also support you getting enough rest as much as he can. That’s it.

Whenever someone tells me that their partner is a perfectionist it makes me nervous for them. That’s not a practical or helpful trait and it’s fucking lethal if it applies to re-modelling or building your home. With a new baby on the way.

If he can’t see that what’s required at this moment is a speedy and good-enough job then I’m worried for you. Perfectionists are time-wasting, soul-sucking tossers. It is literally all about them.

I hope you persuade him to let you get a bit of rest.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 03/04/2018 20:45

Well there's not actually time for DH to do his hobbies either orange, not if he insists on choosing to do the renovations himself. But the way to fix this is outsourcing, since they can afford it.

Babyplaymat · 03/04/2018 20:50

6 of 1 tbh. What furniture does a baby need? And how stressful is online shopping? If his hobby can only be done in the day, why can't he do that and you have time together of an evening instead of you seeing friends then?

Does LO go to nursery? Could they do more sessions?

Original poster

Espastar · 03/04/2018 20:53

DC goes to nursery during term time only.

OP posts:

Smeaton · 03/04/2018 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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