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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to deny DH his leisure time?

61 replies

Espastar · 03/04/2018 17:30

Heavily pregnant, have one 2 y/o DC. DH is currently finishing off a fairly large house project which he is completing alone. We are very much behind schedule and baby is due within few short weeks, baby's room is non-existant. Have barely bought any of what we need due to limited space as there are tools/ wood everywhere.
I am taking care of DC alone much of the time, however I'm now exhausted, struggling with some pregnancy related issues and feel I need help with DC and a break!! My parents are unable to help as they live too far away.
There is no time for leisure or catching up with friends or atleast very little time. Both DH and I work, I have not gone on ML yet. We now have a week off together and I want to get everything complete before baby's arrival.
DH has a few hobbies which he is frustrated at not having time to do at present. I have no time for hobbies either as taking care of DC whilst DH completes the project.
DH spent an afternoon doing his hobby at the weekend whilst I took care of DC single-handedly again. Did bedtime/bath time routine/cooked dinner/ cleared up etc whilst DH was out. He's now asking for another afternoon this week. Im drained and exhausted. I never tell him no. But have said "I feel I'm looking after DC single-handedly a lot and I.find it so much easier when there's 2 of us. Im drained and need a break" DH then asked me to list every occasion and justify the way I'm feeling whilst also arguing how little down time he's had lately.
I've had very little too! He even tried pointing out that visiting my Gran in hospital classed as my downtime and furniture shopping. Im completely exhausted. Going to bed v early etc and DH is still managing his usual late nights,it's quite clear that I'm not coping with this single parenting so often. I find it so much easier when DH is around to help and my own jobs have been pushed to one side as this project takes precedent. Im trying to plan and prepare for baby too with no help. I have denied DH this extra hobby time he's asked for and I feel guilty and unreasonable yet upset and angry that he's made me justify why I don't want another afternoon/day whatever solely taking care of DC, particularly when there is so much to do before baby arrives. Me having some rest and down time is the least of his priorities and he seems only bothered about his lack of hobby time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Espastar · 03/04/2018 20:53

And no, more sessions not possible. DH is at work when DC at nursery so.it would make no difference at all.

OP posts:

Babyplaymat · 03/04/2018 21:01

Yes, but you would get a break.

Original poster

Espastar · 03/04/2018 21:08

But as Ive already said... no sessions available to us during holidays! As I said term-time only contract! You can not just book extra sessions at our nursery... days have to be very specific. Something we are happy to accept in return for an excellent nursery.

OP posts:

Original poster

Espastar · 03/04/2018 23:59

Going to have my down time tomorrow for a couple of hours during the day time. I just feel guilty for it. There is so much to do.

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 04/04/2018 06:12

He needs to put his hobbies on the back burner and support his heavily pregnant wife. Bugger all this, 'he needs his downtime'. He needs to suck it up and stop being selfish.

araiwa · 04/04/2018 06:51

I dont see anything wrong with you each having an afternoon off to yourselves out of a whole week of holiday

Whatshallidonowpeople · 04/04/2018 07:03

You single handedly looked after your own child for an afternoon? What a trooper!! Also what is a short week?

Butterymuffin · 04/04/2018 07:07

It's more than her husband does whatshalli so jog on with your snippy remarks.

Butterymuffin · 04/04/2018 07:09

Reanimated has nailed it. His attitude to you spending money and having any time to yourself isn't good. Has he always been like this or has it emerged after having kids?

pigeondujour · 04/04/2018 07:13

Your husband just sounds ridiculous and selfish asking you to justify how you're feeling at what, 37 weeks pregnant with DC2 and an unfinished house thing. He should want to spend every spare minute getting it sorted for you all at this stage. Also I can't stand people who say or act like they're perfectionists but don't extend that perfectionism to, you know, doing the job perfectly or even adequately within a reasonable timescale.

That said I think you're mad for this: I will now have to choose between much needed family time and much needed down time for me. That isn't even a decision at this stage - you pick your downtime. You're physically growing a member of that family. You have the rest of your lives for family time.

MacaroniPenguin · 04/04/2018 07:36

I'm torn. I think you're both knackered, strung out and taking it out on each other like people can be when sleep deprived, only in your case it's due to burn out /exhaustion.

On the face of it 2 afternoons out of a whole 7-9 days off does sound like a reasonable ask. But with him doing all the DIY and you doing all the childcare you both need a break. I think it depends what your "normal" is really. If he is generally pretty good at doing bedtimes, taking lie ins in turn, taking DC for a bit at weekends etc but right now he's prioritising DIY then let him have his afternoon and negotiate a way to get a break yourself in evenings or a morning lie in.

On the other hand if he normally swans out to his hobby most weekends, expects you to get up with the toddler every morning and leaves you holding the baby while he gets on with his life, that's a totally different matter.

Do you actually need "family time" all together with him "helping" with DC or do you just need him to take over with DC for a few hours? I would go for the latter personally.

DownTownAbbey · 04/04/2018 07:36

If he refuses to outsource the build due to his currently hugely inconvenient 'perfectionism' then that sounds like a hobby to me. He's enjoying being the big man (excellent source material for boasting to mates he sees at his other hobby).

Can you forget family time with DH and go visit your parents for a few days? Will they let you rest?

Idontknowwhatithink · 04/04/2018 07:38

No YA definitely NOT being unreasonable!

I just don;t understand these men who can't compromise on their damn hobbies. A hobby is simply that, a hobby! Something you do when you have time! Other things in life take priority over a hobby and completing your home and getting ready for a baby's imminent arrival should be his priority.

I've heard so many women say similar about their DH/DP's.

You have one very young child and you're about to have a baby - BOTH of you have to put your hobbies on a back burner for a while and you can BOTH pick them up again you have more time.

Dungeondragon15 · 04/04/2018 07:53

YANBU. Considering that you are 37 weeks pregnant, expecting you to effectively work harder so he can have some leisure time is incredibly unreasonable. He either stops his hobby until the house project is finished (if it has to complete before your baby is born) or he outsources.

Original poster

Espastar · 04/04/2018 08:49

Thankyou. I feel much less unreasonable/ guilty about it now. I found myself turning on him yesterday when he said "people have babies and cope with a bit of mess all the time." It's not a bit of mess. I've got nothing ready and baby's room is full of our stuff. I need the room clear to bring the baby things down from the attic but with nowhere to put anything I can't.
I was actually really nasty towards him and feel rotten about it now but every time I get upset and tell him how I'm feeling I get fobbed off with an "everyone else..." "other people...." "my friend Bob...." type comment. Makes me feel so inferior and unreasonable and yet I just can't help it. I want to get the nest ready, but DH can't see the issue. I do have a few weeks left yet, but whilst juggling work and a toddler I can't just get everything ready in one big stint. Also DC1 arrived early which is playing heavily on my mind.

OP posts:

Idontknowwhatithink · 04/04/2018 09:12

OP - You effectively don't 'have a few weeks left yet' You are full term at 37 weeks and baby could decide to make an early (although it wouldn't be considered early) appearance!

Don't feel guilty.

You are 37 weeks pregnant! You need to get your home at least tidy before baby arrives!

BastardGoDarkly · 04/04/2018 09:24

Good! He needs telling! ... mate, I don't give a rats wank, about Bob, other people, or everyone else, I care about THIS fucking baby!! Pull your head out of your arse, and finish this shit. Now please.

Hobby my arse, he's got shit to finish.

Inertia · 04/04/2018 09:28

The building work needs to be outsourced. No point in being a perfectionist about a job that isn’t done.

Original poster

Espastar · 04/04/2018 09:46

I'm not 37 weeks pregnant, I'm less than that. But I'm well into the 30s.

OP posts:

5plusMeAndHim · 04/04/2018 09:58

Diy is abusive behaviour!
Mumsnutters- you gotta love them!

5plusMeAndHim · 04/04/2018 10:00

Can't you start your ml early if you are so tired?

Dungeondragon15 · 04/04/2018 10:19

I was actually really nasty towards him and feel rotten about it now but every time I get upset and tell him how I'm feeling I get fobbed off with an "everyone else..." "other people...." "my friend Bob...." type comment.

I really hate it when people (usually men) start that kind of crap. They don't know exactly what situation other people are in with regard to work, help and health so how dare they compare. I remember my brother comparing me unfavourably with all his friend's wives in this way. Apparently, no other mother expected their DH to do this that or the other. Interestingly none of his friends stayed married so perhaps the wives weren't so happy with the set up after all!

ReanimatedSGB · 04/04/2018 10:27

5Plus - some abusive men use 'DIY as another tool to feed their egos at the expense of their partners and children, and OP's H sounds like a classic example. Big, ambitious, probably unnecessary projects that are started but not finished and result in a great deal of mess, and that cannot be bodged together because 'he is a perfectionist' - this type of DIY is abusive behaviour, because it involves partner and children suffering (because of the mess and the inconvenience and the noise of hammering and drilling, and the fact that there is no spare money or time even though nothing ever actually GETS DONE because of this wonderful project that is all about the man.)

Smeaton · 04/04/2018 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissDuke · 04/04/2018 10:47

Right op, take a breath! Make a list of what you actually need for baby. You do not need baby's room to be ready now, all you really need is a car seat if you drive and somewhere for baby to sleep. Other stuff can be added on to your weekly shop - maternity pads, nappies, cotton wool, some plain vests and sleepsuits.

I think you need to try and calm down so you can think coherently. I am sure you can manage to get the above by yourself, as well as some nice wee toiletries and a few nighties/jammies for you. I liked to have new slippers too for hospital rather than packing my own scruffy ones haha.

You will feel better when you stop work, will that be soon? Sit down and calmly discuss with dh a plan of what urgently needs finished with the works. What he can realistically achieve on his week off. Explain to him that there will only be time for hobbies when X, Y and Z is completed. Explain how stressed you are feeling and why. Why don't you go for a wander the shops after one of your appts while he has time with the little one? Surely baby shopping counts as down time?

If he is still being an arse after this then I am afraid you really do have an arse of a DH which only you can decide if you can put up with!

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