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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

State school next door vs Private school 45 mins away?

74 replies

ladysybilcrawley · 03/04/2018 11:51

My dd is in year 5 at the moment, so we have a little while still to think about this.

She attends a private girls' prep school, which is attached to a secondary school. This secondary is frequently ranked in the top 10-20 schools in the country for A level/GCSE results. She's very clever, and will definitely get into the secondary (as she's a junior school girl she only has to pass the exam, no interview needed). We love the school - the only issue is that it's a 45 minute coach journey away. She gets up at 6:20 to leave the house at 7:15, in order to get the school coach at 7:30. The secondary finishes at 4pm, coach leaves at 4:15, she won't be home until after 5pm, or 6:30 if she has something after school.
There are also only 2-3 other girls from our town at this school.

Our other option is a co-Ed state comprehensive, Ofsted outstanding, that is a 2 minute walk from our house. It's seen as the best school in the town, and one of the best state schools in the county. It's a church school and we are churchgoers so she's practically guaranteed a place. She could get up at 8am and be on time. She would also be home by 3:45 normally, and before 5 if she had an after school commitment. She would also have the advantage of all her friends actually living in the same town as her, so it would be far easier for her to see them.

I know we're hugely fortunate to have this choice.

Does anyone have any opinions on whether the top private school, with very long day/travelling time and less sleep, is worth it when we have an excellent state school right next to us?

OP posts:
Purplerain101 · 03/04/2018 11:57

I’d go with the state option as it sounds like it’s also a great school. I went to a private school and had a lengthy journey to get there and back. It was completely exhausting, especially when I had extra curricular activities like hockey on a Saturday morning to get to. I remember having to lug about heavy bags of books on the bus, and I suffered with heavy periods as a young teenager too which made the journeys ten times worse.
My sister went to one of the best state schools in the county and actually did better than me with her grades and the whole environment of her schooling was a lot more supportive rather than the incredibly pressured production-line experience that I had

Herewegoagain01 · 03/04/2018 11:57

If she’s as bright as you say, I’d go for the state school. We sent my son to a grammar school 45 mins away, and he’s struggling with the social side so we are moving closer. As she gets older she will want to go out with her friends and you will find yourselves taxi-ing her around constantly. You could always save her fees towards tutoring if necessary, but if the school is decent you probably won’t need to.

SeaCabbage · 03/04/2018 11:57

Wow, that's a tough decision - sometimes it's great when you have no choice Smile.

Assuming the finances are irrelevant as you haven't mentioned them, I would give the state school a go. Let her go there for a couple of years, see what it's like. Make the most of every opportunity they offer. If it doesn't live up to your expectations you could perhaps get her into the private school for year 9.

Just think of all the sleep and extra curricular activities she could be doing instead of all that commuting. I do think the constant 6.20 start plus a big school day would be very tiring.

Original poster
ladysybilcrawley · 03/04/2018 12:10

In terms of finances, we can afford the fees fine, but we're not hugely wealthy, and could afford nicer holidays if we weren't paying fees.

OP posts:
Neolara · 03/04/2018 12:14

I'd definitely go the state option. No commute will have a huge impact on the quality of your dc' s life. Also she will be part of the local community and it will be much easier for her to spend time with friends.

yoyo1234 · 03/04/2018 12:17

2 great sounding options. Is she very sociable? Would a change of friendship groups possibly be difficult? Would she be likely to be staying much after school?

orangesmartieseggs · 03/04/2018 12:18

I would go for the state school. That's a long day for a year 7 to be doing everyday.

Original poster
ladysybilcrawley · 03/04/2018 12:21

Is she very sociable? Would a change of friendship groups possibly be difficult? Would she be likely to be staying much after school?

She is quite extroverted and makes friends easily.

She does have a lovely group of friends at her primary school, but the classes get mixed up anyway as they go into secondary as the school goes from 2 classes to 6 classes.

She also has several friends in our town from Guides & swimming lessons who will likely be going to the state school, so it's not like she wouldn't know anybody.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 03/04/2018 12:25

It's a no brainer for me. Send her to the state school, she'll do a lot better if she's not tired out from long hours and lots of traveling.

soupforbrains · 03/04/2018 12:36

Have you spoken to your daughter? How would she feel about a change of schools/friends and or about the long travel and late return home?

I don't think that there is anything inherently wrong with the travel time by the way. I went to a private school and travelled daily a 15 min car ride, 30 min train journey and 10 min walk each way. It didn't do me any harm and the journey was quite a sociable time of the day. I have a lot of very happy and funny memories made with friends on the 'commute'.

Will there be many other children travelling from the same area as your DD to the school? If not then consider also that she may be some distance away from friends and that this can feel a little isolating to a teen girl if the others are able to catch-up/hang out together more often because of ease of location.

Brokenbiscuit · 03/04/2018 12:40

It's a no-brainer as far as I'm concerned. The state school sounds by far the more sensible option!

Tartsamazeballs · 03/04/2018 12:41

What are the class sizes like?

Are there any extra curricular activities accessible at the private school that aren't available at the state (eg horse riding, sailing, foreign languages etc)

IME living 2 minutes away from your secondary school isn't a good thing, it just gives you somewhere to go smoke on your lunch break and makes bunking off too easy 😂

frasier · 03/04/2018 12:43

Totally depends on the school. We've just taken DS out of a private school that has a great reputation because in the years since the last inspection it has gone downhill.

BikeRunSki · 03/04/2018 12:48

State school unless there is a very good reason not to. Sounds like at excellent school even if you had no other options. 45 mins commute each way is 7.5 hrs a week she would use for other things. You will probably all also appreciate the proximity of the state school as she becomes more independent in the next few years.

yoyo1234 · 03/04/2018 13:06

If she is sociable and okay with the idea of making new friends ( and spending more time with her local friends etc) then I think I would give the state school a go. Living locally should make meeting friends at the weekend etc far easier. At secondary the children seem to love their independence more . Saturday school can be draining as well. If things are not going as hoped can she not change school before starting GCSES? The saved money could be used for Uni/ house deposit/ traveling etc.

Lotsofsighing · 03/04/2018 13:26

Bit disingenuous to say it's a 45 minute journey though - sounds like it's an hour plus door-to-door. 7.15am to 5.15pm is quite a long day especially in comparison to the state school.

DairyisClosed · 03/04/2018 13:36

How is the private school asides from A levels. When thinking about an education grades really don't matter. You nerd to consider what soft skills she will learn. What kind of social and intellectual advantages will the private school provide? Things to look out for would be elocution lessons, philosophy/TOK lessons (they teach reasoning, thinking pattens etc. By far the most useful thing I got our if school, I could have easily done without the top grades I got, but being able to think rationally is invaluable and contrary to what many people think is a skill that must be taught), cultural knowledge (what kinds of texts do they teach in literature classes for example) and so on. Be mindful that a private school/high achieving school will not necessarily deliver these things so you do have to check. The other matter is a single sex education. Statistically single sex education seems to be better for girls. Anecdotally I went to a single sex school and I lived it. It was quite liberating to be around my own sex exclusively at an age when bodies are changing and the differences between sexes are becoming more marked. In terms of the long bus ride I would consider it a good thing. I lived the downtime on my commute to and from school. I used the time E to read, listen to music or, talk to my parents who were driving me. Not everybody enjoys it though. I think that your priority should be the quality of education. If the private school offers a proper education you have to send her there. If the education is more geared towards grades than developing students as well rounds dedicated and intelligent individuals then you may as well send her to the local school depending on which environment you think would suit her best.

JustHappy3 · 03/04/2018 14:51

Hang on. So she'd lose all her current school friends. She'd have to start from scratch and make her way into existing groups of friends - bit daunting whatever your age tbh.
But that's ok because it would be easier for "her" to see them. (I think perhaps you mean for "you".)
Can't you move your house? Rent it out, rent one there?
On the public v state school it depends which school it is. There's a certain tier where the kids all know each other of each other's schools and the levels below that just don't seem worth the money because you're not buying thecachet you think you are. Or that's what i saw at university from my bog standard state school perspective.
Mind you she'd get an oxbridge place easier coming from a comp....

Malbecfan · 03/04/2018 15:01

I would send her to the state school simply because it's Co-Ed. I was sent to an all-girls school and vowed I would never do the same to my DDs. They went to an outstanding mixed state grammar school and both have lovely mixed groups of friends.

donajimena · 03/04/2018 15:06

just everyone makes new friends in high school anyway.

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 03/04/2018 15:10

I guess it depends what you want out of her schooling? And which school provides that better? The private school may offer better facilities and soft skills... have an excellent sports team/culture that is important to you. I have to say that journey does sound pretty hideous for your DD and I wouldn't really want mine doing that. (They are in prep school 10 mins away and we are looking at senior schools within 20 mins only).

underneaththeash · 03/04/2018 15:23

We had a similar decision last year DS got into a fabulous private secondary school, one of the best in the country. He also passed the 11+ and got into a good Grammar school.

We made a decision to go grammar and it was the wrong one. Its fine (significantly better than the shitty comp I went to), but the class size is too big, the extra-curricular activities are dull, non-core subjects are either non-existent or very poorly funded, sporting opportunities are limited especially compare to his prep school, some of the teachers are frankly quite bullying and uninspiring.

I think more importantly, if you look at the results they are significantly worse than the other school, especially for GCSE, even though the entrance exam is a similar standard.

He does like the fact that its a very short bus ride away, but it doesn't make up that it isn't anywhere near as good as the school he could have gone to.

nevertoomuch · 03/04/2018 15:35

We have been in a very similar situation, though DD is year 6 and so moving up this Sept. It has been a difficult decision, but she is going to stay at her independent. Reasons mainly - she wanted to and coped really well with the long days anyway in juniors. She has thrived there (not just academically) since we moved her from a local outstanding primary. Yes it is a v early start, but she meets friends on the bus or has phone/chat time if we in car. She really looking forward to hanging with friends after school (clubs/library etc). Luckily she also has friends locally from guides etc so the local friendship groups are still there (which I really encourage). If it doesn't work out then we would move her to the local school (place being available). In the end it simply came down to the best school for her and I feel v lucky to have that choice (coming from v rough state comp myself)

RainyApril · 03/04/2018 15:39

It's a no-brainer. State school, definitely. And I speak as someone who sent all four dc privately.

Leeds2 · 03/04/2018 16:07

Although this isn't what you asked, I would be very wary of sending a child to the same school from ages 3 - 18. I think it breeds familiarity, which can be lovely at 7 but has possibly worn a bit thin by 13. I think DC need to be able to adapt to unfamiliar environments, and different people, so I would in your case probably choose the state school. Particularly as it is so much easier to get to.