17 years old- am I being emotionally abused? I need help

[gracie678]

Hi so I'm not a mum or anything. I'm 17 and I'm having bad issues with my parents and I don't think I can stay here anymore.
To give a bit of background I live in a house with my Mum, Dad and my three sisters (I'm number two of four girls) aged 18,15 and 14. We're quite a volatile family and we've had a lot of issues in the past. Two and a half years ago I was severely anorexic my personality completely changed during the illness I became weepy, violent and very very depressed. I was hospitalised for two months and I was still affected by anorexia for a good year afterwards and I continue to suffer with depression. This time caused massive strain for our whole family and even though I am no longer anorexic things though much much better have never been the same.
my sisters didn't want anything to do with me whilst I was ill. They turned a blind eye to it, called me names and threw food at me whilst I was ill. They called me names and yelled at me that I had destroyed our family- which obviously hurt quite a lot. I understand that my behaviour was hurting them too as I had damaged the family unit that we had once had. I wasn't in my right mind though the me previous to anorexia would never have acted how I did. Now I am categorised by my family as the crazy one.

My Dad was also quite useless at trying to understand my illness. He got angry a lot and sometimes things got physical.He always sided with my sisters. There were some good bits, such as he came to visit me everyday whilst I was in hospital.

My mum cared for me and was the only one that tried to understand. I've always felt very grateful to hr for this. However, now she is the main issue.

Mum and Dad always always side together. They go completely over the top insane about small things such as when they don't think we (me in particular) help enough around the house. The arguments which usually start about gratitude, helping around the house, or spending too much time in our rooms end up very sinister. Mum jeers at me and calls me 'insane', 'home wrecker' and full on screams to the point that her veins are bulging out of her head. She has recently taken to calling me a 'slapper', 'a slag' and 'a whore' because she overheard a private conversation with my older sister where I told her that I'd slept with two guys. I do stand up for myself, I'm not much of a crier and therefore I shout back things that I know will hurt her in order to protect myself because I'm hurting. However, the last few times I have shouted back at her she's hit me across the face. I never become physical with her in retaliation, I used to do that when I was ill and I think it's wrong no matter what the excuse. My Dad tries to calm her down but eventually he sides with her. Last night for example, they also tried to take my phone and when I hid it behind my back he but his full bodyweight on me, sitting on me until I gave it back. I am 5"5, he is 6"1 and it was painful. This whole time mum was yelling at me to 'get out of her house'. I got changed and was going to call a taxi before realising I didn't have a phone and I didn't have any cash. I then thought about where I would go. My grandparents are both very ill, and I wouldn't want my friends to know about the things going on at home.
My oldest and youngest sister don't say anything because they don't want to get in trouble. My middle sister does stand up for me, she is also always in trouble with my parents.

This morning my mum has apologised and every time I accept her apology but I don't think I can keep doing it.

Last night I contemplated taking my own life. If I am everything my family says I am there is no point in being alive. Two weeks ago I took an overdose but I made myself sick to bring the tablets back up. I am already on anti-depressants but I feel as if they aren't working

I am under huge pressure from school, it is a grammar school I am in lower 6th studying for my A Levels. I am Deputy Head girl and yet I cannot ask for help. I want everyone to think I am fine and even when I think I' about to tell someone what is really going on I hear myself saying 'I'm fine'. But I'm not and I don't think I can carry on. I really need some advice.

I love my family- which sounds odd given the circumstances and they give me so much. This all probably is my fault which is why I've never spoken about it before. But I see my friends families and I realise that their parents aren't like mine.

I don’t want to read and run so will be back to write a proper reply for you.
Is there anywhere you could go where you’d feel happier?
Friends maybe?

Also I feel like you should call Samaritans or child line both will be able to help you. You should also have an emergency duty team and can present at a gp or A&E if you feel suicidal
Please seek irl support
Mumsnet is fab but we aren’t all doctors ❤️

This is emotional and physical abuse.

I really think you should talk to your Pastoral Head or similar at school. I would hope you are on their radar anyway due to the anorexia.

The other option is to have a frank chat with your GP. It will be confidential.

I was brought up in a house like this and I left at 15, I do have a relationship with my parents now but it is strained and I ended up homeless and in some awful situations. I also have a raft of MH diagnoses which I am sure are down to the emotional neglect and abuse. Please do something to save yourself from this.

No, none of that is right. I understand that your ED had a huge effect on your family but you were a child who was very ill. It is probably the school holidays but next term please find a teacher or member of staff to talk to. I can guarantee no one at school would want you to be pretending you were fine and dealing with this one your own. In the meantime, yes, please call Childline/Samaritans. Do you have a contact at CAHMS or from your support team from your ED you can make an initial contact with. Even a friend's parent would be a place to start outside of you family and to give you some support and perspective. I hope you can find someone.

Hello Gracie, this sounds incredibly stressful. It’s really important that you talk to someone in real life about this. Is there a pastoral or wellbeing officer at school you can arrange a chat with, or perhaps your head of year, to talk through what’s going on and what your options are? Don’t keep it bottled up, that won’t be healthy for you. Do keep posting here.

Please don't let fear or embarrassment stop you from getting help in real life. You may not see it from the inside but there's a whole world out there waiting for you where you don't have to feel like this.

If you really don't want to speak to someone at your school then there are services out there that can help.

The physical abuse would classify you as vulnerable and eligible for emergency housing: england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/your_situation/homeless_help_your_situation_-_16_and_17_year_olds

You deserve to be safe and free. Speaking out takes tremendous courage I know but you need to do it to save yourself.

xx

Oh sweetheart, this is not how family life should be, and you really do need to get some kind of help or support. Firstly, when I was your age, I would have done anything to help a friend in your situation, and my parents would have wanted to help too. Are there any friends you can open up to, please don't feel like you are burdening them.

When are you back to school or college? Next week or the week after? When you are back, I really want you to show your post here to a teacher, any teacher or other member of staff. They will be able to put you in touch with people to help you.

For now, could you stay at your grandparents and help them out a bit of they are ill? It sounds like it would be beneficial for you and them. Or are there any other family members you can turn to? Aunts, uncles, older cousins? At first just tell them that you are not getting in at home and need a break, you could open up to them later.

Your other option is to go to your GP, explain that you are feeling suicidal. As with the teachers, you could show him/ her your post to explain why.

You don't have to live like this, I know it's hard, but the first steps in getting help are the hardest.

Gracie, do you have a year head, or tutor you can speak with? You need to talk to someone my lovely, even if just to get this all straight in your own head.

What your parents are doing sounds outright nasty. And whilst I applaud your sister, she isn't in a position to help you sadly. If you feel you cant talk to someone, the smaritans have a text service. Its not an immediate reply but it's some there to listen. I will pm you their number.

Can you, as others have suggested, see your GP? Your antidepressants may not be the right ones for you.

This all sounds very chaotic, and scary too, like, you never know what might be coming at you, except it’s probably awful.

Can you get rl help? Like, talk to a teacher? Or your GP?

You need to approach an adult at your school and tell them everything you have told us. You ARE being abused, emotionally and also physically.

Have all your stuff together when you do this - bank statements, provisional driving licence, birth certificate (if you can get to it) and GCSE certificates.

The school will follow safeguarding protocol, which means contacting someone in children and young people's services to assess whether you are safe to continue living there.

And do not think this will come as a shock to the school. Your current and previous mental health problems are symptomatic of a difficult home life, not to mention they must know that your parents have 4 children within 6 years of age, which is a difficult home life in itself.

Please do not think about taking your own life. frankly, your parents don't appreciate you but that's their problem, and they aren't the only people in the world. YOu have a great deal to offer and a good long life to offer it in.

Your pastoral team at school, your sixth form tutor or head of sixth form will all have heard so many stories like this and will want to support you in getting help.

Talk to the samaritans to your GP and to friends who make you feel happy, you are not fine but can be if you reach out for help. this in't your fault, it isn't your failure and you taking control will help make this better. Please get he help you deserve, you clearly have so much to offer and so much confidence to build but feel trapped and out of options. You aren't either but you will have to m ace that first step. Sometimes it is easier to write it down and send an email, you will have the details for your team at school. Send it then on the return go to the person and check they have it and let other people give you some support.

In all honesty, you need to speak to someone about all of this, its mental and physical abuse definitely.

Has your school got a councillor i would go there and voice your concerns, don't leave it until its too late because its easier to get the help now whilst your at this age and in school.

I think that your illness has shaken up the whole family, and that they are scared of it happening again. Obviously this level of conflict isn’t healthy. I actually think that family therapy would be helpful and I wonder if you talk to your Mum, if she would consider it? A very ill child is hugely stressful and scary. Not your fault at all, but it does cause ripples, stress between parents, jealousy between siblings. I have seen this in families with very sick children. All of you sound as though you need to re-establish your relationships. You have done amazingly well to get through your illness and to be doing well at school. This is a crucial time for you and you do need things at home to calm down. Is there a school counsellor you could have a chat with ? You have another year and a half at home, if you are going to go away to University, so it is important that things shift. Nothing stays the same forever, your Mum and Dad have been under a lot of stress and they need some help by the sound of it. You need much more support than you are getting, as you have exams to get through. Could you talk to your older sister too ? I hope things improve. I agree with the pp who suggested maybe staying at your Grandparents if things at home are so volatile.

You really do need to get help. Please don't carry on pretending everything is OK at school. Bottling things will catch up with you in the future. Your school will be able to get things rolling, or go straight to social services, your GP or someone. My DD has anorexia and MH issues and you really need to get help with your family issues. Good luck.

Nothing to add but just bumping for others to see. You have already been so courageous in posting on here are you are very eloquent about your problems. Please seek outside help.

You must speak to someone. You're being treated really badly at home, and need help and protection.

Your school will have a pastoral manager, or you might have a favourite teacher: anyone, who is an adult and in a position to help you.

You really deserve better, and you won't get it unless you speak out.

The fact that you’re a deputy head girl means you support your school in many ways as part of your role. It’s time to ask your school to support you, offer you guidance to resolve this issue ASAP and it would absolutely not be a negative move on your part to do so.

Seek out someone you trust to get the ball rolling. You cannot continue like this because things will just escalate more than they already have.

In time, you can try and rebuild your relationships with your parents and siblings, but, for now, you must look after yourself and get the right help to do so.

Best of luck.

This is not a healthy environment for you to be in, maybe you would consider moving into a shared flat?..or even a womens hostel..

Abuse is abuse, just because she is your mother doesn't give her the right to hit you...if a stranger on the street did that it would be assault...and just because he is your father doesn't give him the right to sit on you until you are in pain and force you to hand over your phone...if a stranger did that it would be assault and theft...

You need to get out of there for the sake of your own mental health,

I’m a teacher. I’m sad to say I’ve heard a few stories like this. The reason I mention it is that if you speak to whichever teacher at your school is in charge of safeguarding, it won’t be a horrible or unusual or shocking thing for them, they have dealt with it before, they will know what to do and they can help you.

You are obviously a bright girl, put yourself in your teachers shoes a minute, you would hate to think one of your students was suffering and couldn’t tell you.

Please tell someone. You are being emotionally and physically abused, it isn’t somewhere you should live and there are alternatives.

At your age you could rent a room from a sensible adult, or get a flat with support. You could ask about supported lodgings in your area. Sometimes mums with children who have left home might have a spare room.

Please, speak to the housing team at the council, or your teachers.

Don’t end your life, you have a lot of years left and things will get better once you live in a safe place.

You will find it easier to study with all this settled too. It can’t be helping you to be under such stress.

Please get it sorted.

Definitely see the Pastoral support people at school as soon as term starts, they will have heard it all before and they will know what to do to help you

None of this is your fault, you have the potential to have a great future, but right now you need some support to enable you to make that happen.

If you're not back at school for a few days yet, talk or text the Samaritans and try to see your GP. If you can't talk to your GP or think it will all come out wrong, just print off your post and ask him or her to read it.

Nothing stays the same, the only constant is change, but right now you need a helping hand to cope with life. The help and support is there, but because you're so good at hiding it, they can't see you need any, so they aren't going to notice and offer. Please, please ask for the help you need, you're a lovely girl and you have a great future ahead.

I agree with everyone else. It is really important that you open up to someone (from school would be a good safe place). If you feel it is too tough then perhaps you could print out what you have written here and put it in an envelope and pop it on your pastoral tutors desk? Please reach out, you will be given help.

What had happened for your parents wanting to take your phone from you last night? Why did they want your phone?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, @gracie678 you're suffering emotional and physical abuse and you shouldn't have to put up with that. I can only echo the advice to PPs to call Social Services or Child Line.

You need to get out of there as soon as you can arrange something, SS can help with that.

And when you feel suicidal, please call Samaritans. You also need to talk with the GP, and be completely honest. They know you've been unwell and will help.

Remember, none of this is your fault.