17 years old- am I being emotionally abused? I need help

[gracie678]

Hi so I'm not a mum or anything. I'm 17 and I'm having bad issues with my parents and I don't think I can stay here anymore.
To give a bit of background I live in a house with my Mum, Dad and my three sisters (I'm number two of four girls) aged 18,15 and 14. We're quite a volatile family and we've had a lot of issues in the past. Two and a half years ago I was severely anorexic my personality completely changed during the illness I became weepy, violent and very very depressed. I was hospitalised for two months and I was still affected by anorexia for a good year afterwards and I continue to suffer with depression. This time caused massive strain for our whole family and even though I am no longer anorexic things though much much better have never been the same.
my sisters didn't want anything to do with me whilst I was ill. They turned a blind eye to it, called me names and threw food at me whilst I was ill. They called me names and yelled at me that I had destroyed our family- which obviously hurt quite a lot. I understand that my behaviour was hurting them too as I had damaged the family unit that we had once had. I wasn't in my right mind though the me previous to anorexia would never have acted how I did. Now I am categorised by my family as the crazy one.

My Dad was also quite useless at trying to understand my illness. He got angry a lot and sometimes things got physical.He always sided with my sisters. There were some good bits, such as he came to visit me everyday whilst I was in hospital.

My mum cared for me and was the only one that tried to understand. I've always felt very grateful to hr for this. However, now she is the main issue.

Mum and Dad always always side together. They go completely over the top insane about small things such as when they don't think we (me in particular) help enough around the house. The arguments which usually start about gratitude, helping around the house, or spending too much time in our rooms end up very sinister. Mum jeers at me and calls me 'insane', 'home wrecker' and full on screams to the point that her veins are bulging out of her head. She has recently taken to calling me a 'slapper', 'a slag' and 'a whore' because she overheard a private conversation with my older sister where I told her that I'd slept with two guys. I do stand up for myself, I'm not much of a crier and therefore I shout back things that I know will hurt her in order to protect myself because I'm hurting. However, the last few times I have shouted back at her she's hit me across the face. I never become physical with her in retaliation, I used to do that when I was ill and I think it's wrong no matter what the excuse. My Dad tries to calm her down but eventually he sides with her. Last night for example, they also tried to take my phone and when I hid it behind my back he but his full bodyweight on me, sitting on me until I gave it back. I am 5"5, he is 6"1 and it was painful. This whole time mum was yelling at me to 'get out of her house'. I got changed and was going to call a taxi before realising I didn't have a phone and I didn't have any cash. I then thought about where I would go. My grandparents are both very ill, and I wouldn't want my friends to know about the things going on at home.
My oldest and youngest sister don't say anything because they don't want to get in trouble. My middle sister does stand up for me, she is also always in trouble with my parents.

This morning my mum has apologised and every time I accept her apology but I don't think I can keep doing it.

Last night I contemplated taking my own life. If I am everything my family says I am there is no point in being alive. Two weeks ago I took an overdose but I made myself sick to bring the tablets back up. I am already on anti-depressants but I feel as if they aren't working

I am under huge pressure from school, it is a grammar school I am in lower 6th studying for my A Levels. I am Deputy Head girl and yet I cannot ask for help. I want everyone to think I am fine and even when I think I' about to tell someone what is really going on I hear myself saying 'I'm fine'. But I'm not and I don't think I can carry on. I really need some advice.

I love my family- which sounds odd given the circumstances and they give me so much. This all probably is my fault which is why I've never spoken about it before. But I see my friends families and I realise that their parents aren't like mine.

@Gracie@
Of course you love your family and they love you, but that doesn't mean being with them is the best option for you at the moment. Your parents are probably struggling with their own feelings about your illness, but that is not a problem you can solve. They are choosing to blame you for being ill, which is not fair or reasonable.

If you call Childline you can talk this through and I think they will encourage you to put yourself and your health first. I think you should make a plan to get out at least for a short time - a few days or a week - to give you time to think without anxiety. You could go to friends or relatives, and just ask if you can stay for a few days so you can study in a calm place. You can call Shelter and get them to provide emergency accommodation.

Ring Childline, ring Shelter, ring the Samaritans, and find out your options. Definitely talk to your tutor or pastoral head at school. They should have good advice and links to other services.

You are obviously a high-achieving student and your school must think you impressive if you are DHG, and you have a lot to offer to the world. You are unique, and valuable, and that is true however your family feel about you. Don't let home difficulties hold you back.

Yes, please speak with a safeguarding teacher or your GP. I had a difficult family situation mid-teens due to my Mum who was an emotional abuser and bully, who became physical when she felt like she was losing arguments. Unfortunately my Dad simply wanted a peaceful life and would - most times - just back her up as she was the 'adult' and in his eyes it would defuse the situation. After all, when you're a teenager it's easy for abusive people to make out like you are the problem - we all know the stereotypes of 'difficult teens' - that label can be used to mask how unreasonably they are behaving. As I grew older I began, like you, to see that my friends' families simply didn't behave like that, and I started to understand that something was really wrong. It was also hard because we were regarded as a 'nice family' from a 'nice area' and I was otherwise a bright and respectful person. We didn't seem on the outside that we were having these issues.
She would make up dramas and issues that she would escalate in unreasonable ways - a particularly dramatic one threatening to throw me out of the house during the run up to my GSCEs. It's a horrible place to be OP. She also called me a 'whore' when I admitted I had a boyfriend at school (completely innocent) and then denied it when I confronted her in front of the family.
When I realised it wasn't right and I risked flunking my GCSEs because of the turmoil I decided to tell my form teacher. This was a good few years ago and I think now there are even better support systems. What shocked me is how much understanding and sympathy I was given - it became clear that they knew she was a tricky person and they were so supportive. It made the world of difference. I didn't move out and no big changes were made because I realised that I just needed to get my qualifications and get out of there as quickly as possible to university. So I chose (perhaps wrongly) to suck it up, knowing I was working on a bigger plan. Having the support of teachers helped a great deal - school quite literally got me through it - knowing people knew the truth about what I was going through made me feel a whole lot better.
I hope you don't think I'm using this post to talk just about me - I just wanted you to know that teachers and schools have been helping with these things for years. There is no shame in saying you need support.
FWIW I got my GCSEs, went to Uni and ended up with NC for years as the unreasonable behaviour continued. I now have a wonderful relationship with my DSis, and anything else is on my terms - it's amazing how bullies respond when they see they can't have an affect on you. I have my own successful business, incredible happy love-filled life with very loved children who would have no idea of what an unhappy teenage life I had.
I know everything seems big and overwhelming to you right now, but it will turn out well in time. Speak to someone.

I'm so sorry this is happening. Please don't end your life. You are not the things your parents have called you. You need support, not abuse.

I left home at your age as my step dad was horrible to me. My mum didn't stand up for me. It was really difficult being on my own and trying to pay bills, but I had support from my friends. I had freedom and independence and most importantly - no one abusing me.

That was a long time ago now and life got much better. You need to reach out to people at school, and do confide in your friends. Hugs to you op.

You are not what your family are calling and you deserve to be in a safe place. I do not think a shelter or women's refuge is the right place. And also maybe not your grandparents if they are ill or side with your parent.

You are probably still on holiday and might not know who to call or turn to for help. If you are really frightened then maybe you could contact a MN moderator who can help you contact your local authorities?

No one should be hit across the face or held down. Could you ask a trusted friend's parent for help or maybe stay with them?

You have had some great advice here. I just wanted to add that as a teenager you have a strong sense of not wanting people to know about your problems as you feel people will judge you for them. I know- for many years (until recently and I am in my 30s) I told very few people that my dad was an alcoholic.

Recently, I realised that I would never look down on someone who told me the same. I'm not sure why I was so scared that people knew. As deputy head girl you are obviously well liked and respected. Think how you would react if a fellow pupil told you their parents were as abusive as yours. You would want to help. Allow others the opportunity to help you.

Hi gracie678,
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well, especially from school.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon.

Hi Gracie- I’m not much younger than you but have suffered a similar (ish) situation and am yet to seek help as well. I wasn’t anorexic but I did experience severe breathing difficulties which my mother made out to be my own failt and would lie in front of my friends to say they were made up as well as smacking me on the back to ‘make me cough’ even when I was gasping for breath and screaming in pain. I too am under enormous pressure from school, have chosen way too difficult a levels and am really struggling to comprehend how I will get through it. You’re not alone. If you have instagram or anything you can private message me on there (i’ll levae you my username if you do) but much love I hope we can both make a better future for ourselves ❤️❤️

ellastellabella cookiefiend YetAnotherHelenmumsnet sofiemonde thissmallworld KtheGrey

wow- I know how Gracie feels and am still suffering

I was obese not anorexic due to a binge eating disorder and I also was a difficult child because I had anxiety meltdowns and used to cut myself and take overdoses. I also lied a lot. My father would scream at me how I was a waste of space and a fat lazy slob and how I was bringing sha,me on the family for being ill. I think my parents were loving parents who just excpected a lot of me and my sister. My father was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to us and my mum when we were small kids and I know the stuff that happened to me as asmall kid was not my fault.

However I do blame myself for the stuff which happened when I was a teenager. I am 36 and still blame myself and question myself over it now. However. I was manipulative and made my illness worse so people would love me and care for me. I was later diagnosed iwth a personality disorder.So not 100 per cent my fault and an illness too.

I eventually was able to move out of my parents home but when I lived there I lived in fear of making a misake and would be suicidal and even try and overdose if i made a mistake because I never knerw what sort of a mood my dad was in . No whenh I was ateenager it was not abuse any more because it was my fault.....

Lizzie48 anonymoosy What happened to Gracie happened to me and I am still struggling with it- Who can I talk to> I do not want to hijack this thread but I WISH I could dpeak to someone. I do not want police involved as I am safe now and my abuser no longer there.

To those recalling events that happened many years ago now, when they were still teenagers, let’s just remember that this is a thread written by someone who needs immediate help and advice in the very immediate situation they find themselves as a teenager living in a violent and chaotic home... right now.

Perhaps we can leave the very raw reminiscences for other threads? I don’t want to upset anyone, but I am just a bit concerned that the poster may be somewhat overwhelmed with the weight of other people’s historical pain from decades ago, as she’s already struggling with what’s going on for her right now, and dealing with historical abuse is quite different from a teenager dealing with current situation unfolding right now.

Gracie, maybe you can speak with one of friends mums. I think I might know you in real life? Please call me if so. I also have 4 kids and I think my daughter might be your friend in RL.

WellThisisShit I agree but where do people who are self harming due to historical abuse trauma go to for support??? who can WE talk to??

WellThisisShit Sorry but I am having flashbacks not reminisces and I need help tonight too as I am a vulnerable adult.

I messaged you EllaStellaBella Thanks

gracie I hope you are safe and well. I wonder if you school has a counsellor you could talk to? Hope you get the help you need and deserve. It is sad you are going through this, you deserve so much better.

All the best to you. When you are in a safe environment and happy again (and you WILL be, many of us on here have survived the same, myself included) you will look back and be glad you did not end your life.

big (((hugs))) to you. Please let us know how things go for you

tornadoinmyhead and other survivors on this thread who are struggling with the memories of abuse, I was posting on Mental Health forum on here earlier on this exact same topic and found it quite cathartic. Maybe this is a place for you all to start healing, though I would recommend RL support as well. Do not forget to read AnotherMumsnetHelenas post also tornado because she mentions some support sources on there. to you too

OP is there a friend you can go and stay with overnight? I had a friend with a shifty home life in my late teens and my mum was always really supportive of her. It might just help things calm down/ diffuse a bit at least to get you through the school holidays?

Shitty good old autocorrect....!

@tornadoinmyhead I'm happy to chat with you by PM. I'm just struggling to work out how to do it. Could someone on here tell me? Alternatively you could PM me and I'll reply. I've only ever replied to a PM before, never initiated.

I'm so sorry you went through what you did. I went through bad experiences too, and it's very rough. You'll actually get better help if you go on the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board.

OP I could have written your post myself - I too had a very similar experience and was kicked out to live with my then boyfriend as my mother had ‘had enough’ of me. Like you I was a good student, no trouble but she couldn’t cope with me growing up and losing control - with my mother it was all about control. Anyway, I’m now 45, a mum of teens myself. Looking back what would I have done? Told my grandparents for a start, my nan has always said she wishes she’d known as I could have gone to them. At the time though I was embarrassed and had been brought up in a house where it was drummed into me that any upset should stay within the 4 walls in order to preserve the happy family my father wanted to portray. Tell someone darling, I can’t do anything practical but I will be thinking of you.

I am not sure you're being abused.your parents just want you to help around the house and show some respect and gratitude .why don't you help? Why do you say the things you know will hurt her the most and then expect her to be a robot and not get angry.yet anything they have said to you whilst under extreme stress you can't forgive?

Your parents response to your behaviour is abusive.

It would seem that they do not know how to control their temper.

You do need to respect rules and boundaries within the home.

You say you are 17 and doing your A levels - does this mean you have applied for uni? Will you be leaving home in September?

Just because your parents say something it does not mean it is true. You should not let their words define you.

It is highly unlikely you will be able to change your parents only your response to them. It is this response that will keep you safe so use it to your advantage.

This is no way for anybody to live, young adult or otherwise. Childline or Samaritans is probably your best port of call, but nobody should live with that. Hope you're OK this morning OP.

Oh Gracie, you have been given some fantastic advice in this thread.

I hope you are ok x

I am not sure you're being abused.your parents just want you to help around the house and show some respect and gratitude .why don't you help? Why do you say the things you know will hurt her the most and then expect her to be a robot and not get angry.yet anything they have said to you whilst under extreme stress you can't forgive?

wtf they hit her and held her down, that is abuse