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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister’s behaviour around DH

84 replies

Hazandduck · 02/04/2018 08:40

I feel bad for even typing this but I just have that niggly feeling and I don’t know how to act upon it.
Yesterday,

OP posts:
mummyretired · 02/04/2018 09:56

If she was wearing a top that means 'flaunting herself' at your DH why on earth did you tell her it doesn't look slutty? That would have been one way to raise a flag. *misses point slightly, but still ...

daisypond · 02/04/2018 09:58

I agree with InspMorse. She wants someone to validate her - preferably a man. It's not a good trait, but it's very, very common. It doesn't intrinsically mean she is trying to destroy your marriage, etc. But you need to challenge her on it.

TheStoic · 02/04/2018 09:59

If your husband is a good guy, it doesn’t matter what your sister does.

Troels · 02/04/2018 09:59

Well if she said she is going to stop messaging that man, then she does listen to you.
You need to tell her that your Dh isn't anything like her ex, and letting her ex affect they way she behaves, and turning into someone as bad as him and the OW is letting him win. She is sinking to his level and needs to go back to being the lovely woman she was before her ex messed with her head.

TheSassyAssassin · 02/04/2018 10:00

It's so difficult to be upfront honest where family dynamics are concerned sometimes, but I do agree that DSis sounds depressed and lost and her behaviour, whilst am not condoning it, is a projection of all that hurt. She clearly hasn't come to terms with it and moved on and needs more time to do so. If you say the old her wouldn't have behaved like this, then hopefully all is not lost, but does sound like you need an honest conversation with her. Make her realise her behaviour isn't helping her heal right now and also isn't acceptable, difficult as that may be. Hope things get easier for you both soon OP.

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 10:00

I think you have to be clear with her and nip this behaviour in the bud now. Don"t let it drag on, she will become emboldened.

Original poster
Hazandduck · 02/04/2018 10:03

@Mummyretired I knew she was doing it for a reaction so I didn’t want to give her one. She didn’t wear the top out in the end!
Reading all these comments I just feel so bad for her. I’ve painted her so badly. She went through such a tough time (he told her about OW on their anniversary when she had just found out she was pregnant again).
I know DH won’t act on it so yes I suppose it doesn’t matter. But it really isn’t her. I am going to speak to her, maybe not about DH, just about everything and try and help her as much as I can.

Thank you everyone for your replies, oh and Happy Easter!

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 02/04/2018 10:05

InspMorse and TheStoic have it right.

The question remains whether you can do anything to help her build her self esteem up again, or maybe build it even for the first time. It would be a kind thing to do, and help you to focus on something other than how unpleasant she is being.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 02/04/2018 10:05

This is so sad as I can see you clearly love your sister and the change in her since her dh left her for another woman. She sounds like she's had her confidence well and truly shattered.

But I agree with pp. you have to nip this in the bud now. Her behaviour isn't acceptable. is there anyone else around who has seen this change in her? Other family or friends? Just wondered if it makes you less of the 'bad guy' for talking to her.

TheSassyAssassin · 02/04/2018 10:10

@Hazandduck you haven't painted her badly. Your genuine love for her comes out of your posts and the majority of posters on here can empathise with you both and realise she's still hurting. It's not her you are upset with. It's her current behaviour. You sound like a lovely sister and am sure you'll be able to support her through this Flowers

sleepyjane · 02/04/2018 10:20

I knew as soon as i read "flaunting herself" someone would take issue. No woman in the history of the world has ever done that. Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/04/2018 10:20

I agree with TheSassy, you sound like a great sister, very caring.

I think your sister needs to be shocked out of her reverie a bit because using your husband - for whatever reason - pitting him as the foil in a 'honey trap', using him to boost her self-esteem, taking some sort of 'revenge' against all-bastard-men, etc., isn't acceptable. He's your husband, not her tool.

I'm sure you've told her again and again that you love her. She needs to be told to stop this as well because it's not doing anything for her damaged self-esteem but could cause untold damage to the relationships in her family.

Original poster
Hazandduck · 02/04/2018 10:26

Thank you @Sassy. It has been one of the worst things to witness someone I love go through such a betrayal. I feel like she is just rebuilding her confidence so the last thing I would want is to embarrass or hurt her. I am definitely going to try and help her as much as I can. I wish people that cheat could really see the damage they are going to do beforehand. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Hazandduck · 02/04/2018 10:27

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I feel a bit choked up reading them all x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hazandduck · 02/04/2018 10:28

Yes I agree with you @Lying. For her own sake maybe I need to intervene. The thought of saying something terrifies me!

OP posts:
TheSassyAssassin · 02/04/2018 10:28

Well she has every chance of getting there with your help. But yep. The ripple effect is bloody tough!

PussGirl · 02/04/2018 10:53

You do need to speak to her about it, even though it will be difficult. She will most likely huff & puff & perhaps sulk, but if your relationship is as strong as it sounds, then you will be fine & things will settle.

Imagine if you were out of the room & she flung herself at him, just as you were walking back in.

You would know deep down it had been at her instigation & that DH didn't want or encourage it. But after a while you might begin to doubt yourself. Doubt your relationship.

I'd also have a frank chat with DH about her behaviour, in anticipation of it escalating.

Stephthegreat · 02/04/2018 10:56

As much as you love her I’d try to distance yourself from her,it sounds like she’s in a bad place and needs to find her way out.

You have to prioritise your own marriage and family,what happened to her is awful but she will recover.

hmcAsWas · 02/04/2018 11:00

The secretary/ receptionist at the local primary school was cheated on and left by her husband. Something definitely shifted within her! - she stayed with a close friend after the split and had a fling with the friend's husband, and subsequently she worked her way through 3 (that I know of) married dads at school. We were all agog!

I hope that you do find the grit and resolve to talk to your sister and guide her before she goes down any such route. It sounds like you were positively influential in the work colleague scenario so she clearly does value your opinions...

RawhideRingpiece · 02/04/2018 11:02

She is not a nice person. I’d be telling her in no uncertain terms. You don’t need to be nasty about it - just matter-of-fact. Nip it in the bud now before she gets worse.

ZenNudist · 02/04/2018 11:06

Talk to your dh. Lots of men would be wierded out by family member flaunting themselves at them. If you know he has his head screwed on you can see her awful behaviour as a cry for help.

That said dont let her wreck your marriage just because hers has gone bad. Its a proven fact that having divorced friends and family increases your own chance of divorce. You need to stand up to her when she slags off your marriage and makes out your dh will cheat.

" I know you were hurt by the break up of your marriage but not all men are the same. It's upsetting me that you keep trying to make derogatory comments about d h, please stop".

RoseWhiteTips · 02/04/2018 11:12

She is “not a nice person”? Really? More like insecure, imo.

Adversecamber22 · 02/04/2018 11:15

She is in a bad place but its the opposite of depression she sounds as if she has gone a little manic.

I can relate as my sister had some very bizarre behaviour at a party at my house, I spoke to my friends who had witnessed it and it was confirmed that she was flirting outrageously with my DH. He actually came to me and told me about the first incident. After she left she sent him a FB msg which he showed me saying let's msg each other as it will upset Adverse.

It was a jealousy thing I feel because her love life had gone so horribly wrong. I avoided her totally, it's easy as she lives hundreds of miles away. She has been seeing a married man for a few years now. We had a big argument about that as she insisted he was a lovely person, I told her I doubted his wife would agree.

My sister is hugely messed up but has not a clue, I have tried speaking to her about it, she drinks far too much as well. it's been about six years now. Some of our siblings will not speak to her at all, I have very low contact.

burnoutbabe · 02/04/2018 11:23

See i don;t see a huge issue in asking your sister and brother in law whether a top that you are going to wear out in public is okay?

I'd ask my sister (and sister in law, ie sisters wife) without even thinking about it and that is the same thing as both of them like women.

Depends if you see the BIL as pretty much a brother, rather than "a man"

Viviennemary · 02/04/2018 11:24

I don't think this is anything to sinister from what you've said. She's had a bad time with her ex when she cheated. You'll just have to hope she meets somebody nice in future.