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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore friends comments

54 replies

PrettyLittIeThing · 02/04/2018 00:39

Friend told me today that her and my other friends were talking about me. Apparently my children are always immaculate but I need to make more effort with my experience. Aibu to ignore them. I simply can't afford it, yes my hair needs doing and doesn't look good and I have cheap clothes and cheap shoes but I can't afford anything else. As long as my kids look nice then I'm fine with the way I look. Aibu to ignore them or should I be taking on board what they said. I get no maintenance for my kids so honestly it's a struggle to get by (whole other thread.) but I feel they were saying I look really bad but I think they should be more understanding.

OP posts:
KJE2017 · 02/04/2018 00:41

I wouldn't call them your friends. They sound like two faced bitches. Ignore them

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2018 00:44

You don't need to ask this question OP

You already know the answer surely?

Original poster
PrettyLittIeThing · 02/04/2018 00:45

Tbh I've let myself go since having kids I'm aware of that but I don't gave the time or money to do anything about it. I guess I must look really awful though for them to be talking about me.

OP posts:
SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 02/04/2018 00:46

Definitely ignore them. Wear whatever you bloody well like

Sparklesocks · 02/04/2018 00:46

Why would she tell you that?? She sounds like a stirrer..

yakari · 02/04/2018 00:46

The only way I could see this being acceptable would be if your kids are head to toe Dior and you're in rags, in sort of "we worry you're prioritising the kids too much over yourself". And even then it would still be your choice. Outside of that it's just gossipy and bitchy.

DairyisClosed · 02/04/2018 00:46

Typically people who get their hair 'done' and spend a lot of money on make up etc. usually end up looking much worse than women who embrace their natural appearance anyway. Your so called friends probably have no idea what they are talking about.

StillMedusa · 02/04/2018 01:05

What does 'making more of your appearance' entail?!!! I haven't worn makeup in 20 years, and consider putting a brush through my hair and a cut once every 4 months or so more than sufficient and no one has ever commented!
Unless you are doing your weekly shop in pjs or a onsie (which might be comfy but a bit sad) then these 'friends' should sod off!

lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 01:19

OP,
Not nice to hear but maybe you can use this experience to "find" yourself again.

Nothing wrong with "cheap" clothes or shoes. Were they maybe talking about clothes being creased ?

What's wrong with your hair ?
For you Flowers

KarmaStar · 02/04/2018 01:23

You sound like a lovely mum and a genuine person.
These people are not friends,they were being bitchy.
Ignore their spiteful words OP they are not worth caring about.
Flowers

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/04/2018 01:25

I could see this sort of comment as being either concern that you put everything into your children and they are concerned about you needing to put a bit into yourself, simply unhelpful because they haven't got a clue about your situation, or a bit nasty because they just want to criticise you. I have no idea which of those things it really is, but I was struck by you describing your children as "immaculate" and I'd just say - children don't' need to be immaculate (no one does really!) and that does make me wonder if maybe you should balance your priorities a bit and make some more space for yourself and your needs in your life. I don't think that necessarily needs to be about your appearance, but "letting yourself go" can be a sign of diminishing self-esteem and health.

So I would suggest you have a think about whether you are getting what you really need out of life and whether there is room in your family budget for you to consider yourself a little more? Not at the expense of things your kids actually need, but if you are spending money on much better clothes for them than you do for yourself, for instance, perhaps it would be appropriate to rebalance that a bit so you have a more similar standard?

Of course, your friends could just be ignorant - in which case ignore. Or nasty - in which case ditch.

GnotherGnu · 02/04/2018 01:36

Appearance is not important. Kindness is. Your friend is seriously failing on the kindness front.

ShovingLeopard · 02/04/2018 01:49

Are you happy being friends with the sort of people who think anybody 'needs' to make more of an effort with their appearance? Wouldn't you rather have friends with more depth?

eridanus · 02/04/2018 02:00

nasty person, get rid of her. you know this though.

CadyHeron · 02/04/2018 02:22

Honestly? My immediate reaction on reading your post and nothing else was "tell them to go bollocks."
Either physically or mentally lol Grin
Be happy with you! Are you? If not, change, for you.
Don't feel you have to, though. If you're comfortable as you are, you're alright and don't let anyone make you feel different.

Cavender · 02/04/2018 02:23

Don’t change your clothes, change your friends.

Your clothes and body are clean and clothed, everything else is personal choice.

Bambamber · 02/04/2018 02:26

Was it said in a bitchy way or could it have come from concern and perhaps come across wrong?

Sakurasnail · 02/04/2018 02:33

YANBU. If it was said in those words it doesn't sound v concerned or supportive (I could be wrong though, did you ask your friend how she thought it was intended?)
As long as you're not running yourself ragged/not washing hair etc because you're devoting too much time to kids, I don't see a problem. You're happy, none of their business.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/04/2018 02:51

YANBU. Although i do apprieciate like most things, ignoring hurtful comments is far easier said than done.
You're a good mum who puts her children first. Be proud of that

missperegrinespeculiar · 02/04/2018 02:53

I'd keep my clothes and change my friends!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/04/2018 02:55

Also if they're that bothered. Why don't they give you the money

Narkle · 02/04/2018 06:56

I have to say, mumsnet never fails to surprise me. In the few weeks I have been here, I have learned that neither family, partners nor friends are allowed to comment on a person's wellbeing or appearance without risking being cut out of said person's life. I mean, if the people clostest to us cannot criticise us, then who can? We don't know what's been going on and believe me, most people don't tell others they've let themselves go without good reason. It's far more bitchy doing that behind a person's back.

OP, it depends on how you feel about it all. Do you think this was entirely unjustified or do you think they may have had a point?

I know I've let myself go a bit over the last 2 years and have taken simple steps to make small changes with big effects. Revamped old clothes, thrown out the really tatty ones and bought one or two items to update my wardrobe. Dug out shawls for a quick-fix 'done-up' solution with every outfit. Straightened my mess of a hair so I looked less frazzled. Gone back to using contacts. Lost a bit of weight.

The thing is, we can easily forget ourselves over our kids and it will eventually affect our confidence in ourselves. A bit of self-care and attention does our own moods a whole lot of difference, even subconsciously you often carry yourself differently when you know you have made a bit of an effort.

Just because they may have chosen their words wrong doesn't mean they meant to be unkind. Before you consider cutting them out. I really wish people knew how to disagree more and hope it's entirely a mn thing.

Twooter · 02/04/2018 07:06

I’m on the fence with this one. Yes, it does sound bitchy on the face of it, and incredibly superficial.
However, if you do look that much of a mess, does it look as though you don’t care/ are lazy and therefore going to affect your job?
Also, not sure how old your dc are, but I find my dc like it if I make an effort occasionally. I don’t mean makeup, and fancy clothes, just brush your hair and clean ironed clothes that fit you properly, that aren’t full of holes.

Juells · 02/04/2018 07:16

Perhaps your friend was being kind? Saying "love yourself and give yourself some attention, don't spend all your money on children's clothes"?

Nixpix1 · 02/04/2018 07:17

When I had mum kids, I used to buy clothes from them from primark. I used to wear cheap but nice clothes, what ever was in fashion at the time. I was at husbands aunty's house and she made a low tone comment to someone else in the family how I dress my kids in cheap tat and dressed well myself. Since that day I have stopped buying clothes from primary and I just wait for the sales and get them better quality clothes for the same price.

Maybe you can do the same for yourself.