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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore friends comments

54 replies

PrettyLittIeThing · 02/04/2018 00:39

Friend told me today that her and my other friends were talking about me. Apparently my children are always immaculate but I need to make more effort with my experience. Aibu to ignore them. I simply can't afford it, yes my hair needs doing and doesn't look good and I have cheap clothes and cheap shoes but I can't afford anything else. As long as my kids look nice then I'm fine with the way I look. Aibu to ignore them or should I be taking on board what they said. I get no maintenance for my kids so honestly it's a struggle to get by (whole other thread.) but I feel they were saying I look really bad but I think they should be more understanding.

OP posts:
Neapolitanicecream · 02/04/2018 08:24

I knew it was true when I was told the same have me the kick start I needed x

LotsToThinkOf · 02/04/2018 08:38

Tricky one - maybe they meant you need to take some time out for yourself? Cheap clothes are fine, so if it was because you didn't wear expensive clothes then I'd not be contacting them again. I know I have let myself go since having children, I buy my clothes from supermarkets now and I don't buy myself things frequently. No one has said anything, I'm overweight and I don't have my hair done very often, which is the opposite to pre children for me. It no one has said anything.

I did have a group of friends from a baby group who didn't know me pre children. The obsession with appearance led me to feeling awful about myself, they even went as far as surgery, dental procedures and cosmetic procedures. I've needed a brace since I was younger but didn't have the opportunity as a child and there's no way I could afford it now. So I stopped hanging around with them and I'm back to being happy.

If friends are genuinely concerned that your appearance is indicating a lack of self care and time for yourself then that's genuine concern. If it's because you don't fit in with their ridiculous standards then drop them. Without their comments, how do you feel in general? I guess I feel as if I'll go back to focusing on my appearance when the DC are more independent.

Lemons1571 · 02/04/2018 09:00

I have tops from primark, the best stuff I have is probably from m&s. My kids have mostly supermarket clothes. I have never bought or worn anything from boden, Jojo Maman babe, Zara or phase 8. Myself and DH are both professionals. I’m good at what I do and I don’t need to wear a £100 top to do it in.

I came across this attitude at a toddler group where some women were taking the piss out of buggies (mine and a grandfather who was there) as they were the old style maclaren type. I recognised him as a recently retired senior partner in a gp practice.

It’s all bollocks. As long as you’re clean and stuff doesn’t actually have holes in then it’s fine.

SerenDippitty · 02/04/2018 09:09

Gone back to using contacts.

Grin

Wearing specs does not equate to letting yourself go, or looking grumpy or a mess!

Narkle · 02/04/2018 09:14

Wearing specs does not equate to letting yourself go, or looking grumpy or a mess!
Not meant that way at all. Contacts just suit me better and made me feel better about my looks.

Showing once again why context is everything :-)

Bonez · 02/04/2018 09:23

Maybe they meant well but it came out wrong. It's easy to let yourself go after having kids. You just kinda fall into it without realising. Do you agree with what they said?

Whocansay · 02/04/2018 10:14

It could be that they are they concerned about you. Did you used to be well groomed, but no longer have time / energy because of your children? Maybe they are concerned you're depressed?

All supposition, but I doubt they would say it to be bitchy.

If you are comfortable with the way you look, just ignore the comment.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 02/04/2018 10:17

her and my other friends were talking about me and but I need to make more effort sounds to me more like a nasty backbiting session judging your appearance rather than actual concern about you, it doesn't sound well meaning at all. Great to know the dcs appearance gets their approval though, eg? Hmm

I have a good friend who is a single parent to a dc with disabilities and yes, she often puts herself and her needs at the bottom of the pile. I'm aware she's fed up re her weight and appearance but firstly, I wouldn't bring that up unless she made reference to it and secondly, I don't just tell her she needs to make more effort with herself! I allow her to talk, offer practical advice (if it seems she wants it) and I try to be very positive and encouraging about anything she is doing which usually involves reassuring her that it absolutely is ok to make time for herself or spend money on herself. I can guarantee that telling her I'd been discussing her with other friends "and these are the conclusions we've come to" would really hurt her.

Original poster
PrettyLittIeThing · 02/04/2018 10:47

Ive actually just realised something. I only see one of the friends on the school run (she's not a mum at my kids school none of them are but I bump into her on the bus whilst I'm taking my kids to school.) so in the mornings when I take them to school and when I do take my kids to school (I have 4 kids) I literally just throw anything on and get out the door, I don't straighten my hair so it probably does look a mess but with 4 kds I simply don't hve the time in the mornings. I'm up the night before till around 11/12 with the baby so by the morning I'm too knackered. I wonder if that's what she's basing it on. Yes I agree with them to an extent I mean before kids I was always done up, but like I said I simply don't have the time anymore. It's not really depression I just don't have the time because I am too tired (lone parent.)

OP posts:
Oddcat · 02/04/2018 11:00

I would only accept these type of comments as being kind and caring if my physical appearance was showing signs of ill health eg if I was looking painfully thin because I wasn't eating properly, or if I had black circles under my eyes due to tiredness. Commenting on people's clothes isn't kind in my opinion .

Dingdong1975 · 02/04/2018 11:11

May be they were just saying you have gave up nice things for self and gave it all the kids? It's not necessarily negative comments... I honestly wouldn't take notice of what they said.

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2018 11:15

I agree with Narkle and think that it's been said out of concern.

Perhaps your friend was hoping that if you were depressed or needed help, then it would prompt you to share.

I don't think that MN would give you a balanced view on here. There are too many posters who don't seem to have close friends who would worry about them.

We are told to talk about possible MH issues and if there's been a big change in you, then they will wonder if you need support.

Just be honest, that you are getting through the early days of your children as a LP (I've been there).

How 'immaculate' are your children? I think that your friends are seeing it as you neglecting yourself and are approaching it with you, as a good friend should.

Original poster
PrettyLittIeThing · 02/04/2018 11:19

Well kids hair is always nice and clothes are always nice so I guess they see me looking a mess and wonder why my kids don't, like if I look a mess then my kids should aswell? But that's not the case. The thing is if I spent more money on myself it would impact on them. Like I explained to my friend on the phone money is tight (I'm not working at the moment and don't receive any maintenance.) so although she offered to have my kids for me to "get my hair and nails done" I don't have the money. I just feel abit shit now because I feel like it's something that I can't change.

OP posts:
PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 02/04/2018 11:21

I agree with you Narkie. Appearance is not everything, but clearly OP values appearance, as her kids are impeccably turned out, and her friends can see the disparity in herself and her children and are suggesting that she redshift sure some of her focus onto herself and not just her children.

We can all get lost in motherhood, I know my friends and I often speak of this to one another, when you walk into a store ostensibly to buy something for yourself but you end up buying for the children . I think that is what the OPs friends are talking about putting some of her energy back onto herself.

Original poster
PrettyLittIeThing · 02/04/2018 11:28

I couldn't afford to do that though without it effecting my children. It's them or me basically. Also like I said time is a factor as it takes me an hour to do each of their hairs and I do that with the baby screaming the entire time but it's something that has to be done for school.

OP posts:
Sakurasnail · 02/04/2018 11:37

Gosh, an hour is a long time to do three lots of hair! Assuming that's not baby too. Can you streamline any of your morning prep? Or straighten your hair the night before? It might make a bit of difference to how you feel when you see them next...

Original poster
PrettyLittIeThing · 02/04/2018 11:43

Sorry not an hour each day should have been clearer I mean an hour each week (but three to do) and the baby screams the entire time so I don't bother much with myself, I could straighten my hair the night before but I would be doing that at like midnight which I'm too tired to do.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/04/2018 11:53

I think it's a bit shit of them to be saying this behind your back and then telling you to get your hair and nails done when you've made it clear you don't have the money to do this. Getting nails done? What a waste of money! Cut them short, push back cuticles, file and buff.

Original poster
PrettyLittIeThing · 02/04/2018 12:16

There's nothing actually wrong with my nails I just don't paint them. Funny now thinking about it my friend bought me a nail vanish set for Xmas. I guess that was a hint, probably been talking about me for a long time.

OP posts:
Sakurasnail · 02/04/2018 12:33

Maybe they thought you could do with a relaxing treatment, something for yourself for a change.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2018 12:51

'Maybe they thought you could do with a relaxing treatment, something for yourself for a change.'

She's told them she has no money for that.

Original poster
PrettyLittIeThing · 02/04/2018 12:52

That would be nice. If I had the money. The know money is a real big struggle for me. I'm on benefits (technically a carer for my disabled child.)

OP posts:
Sakurasnail · 02/04/2018 13:29

She's told them she has no money for that.
OK. I read it as she'd only told friend that money was tight, not that she didn't have the money.
Like I explained to my friend on the phone money is tight (I'm not working at the moment and don't receive any maintenance.) so although she offered to have my kids for me to "get my hair and nails done" I don't have the money.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2018 13:41

You don't have to spell out your financial situations in fine detail to your so-called friends in order for them to get it. If I know someone is on benefits and money is tight because they don't get maintenance, it doesn't take a big stretch to conclude that they're not going to have the money to get their hair and nails done.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2018 13:43

It's not on to be talking about you like that when they're aware that you don't have cash to splash on yourself. It's bitchy. It's also assuming that it's something you want to do, to have hair or nails done. That would be my idea of hell. I hate salons and spas and have a mobile hairdresser. If someone offered to have my kids I'd rather go on a long walk alone as a treat to myself.