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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ditched by DH

56 replies

dawndown · 01/04/2018 17:57

DH has decided to go out and spend time on his hobby today. (It’s not a group thing like a sport, it’s just him, alone.) He decided this morning, when I thought we would be spending today together as a family. Although he asked if it was alright to go, it wasn’t a discussion, his words were, “tell me not to go and I won’t.” I don’t nag or dictate as to what he can do, so I found this odd. I let him know that I’d planned to spend the day together with the DCs and was disappointed, but I just kept getting that response.

I’m feeling pretty low about our relationship at the moment, a lot of late nights at the office, not getting in until gone 10pm so he’s not seeing DC or me much other than his days off.

He’s been out since 2pm and due back in about 45mins. I feel the days been a bit crap for the rest of us because of this, but AIBU? I mean, it’s his day off he should be doing what he wants to, and we’re not religious, so we celebrate Easter by eating chocolate eggs and a family meal.
But I can’t help feeling really put out that me and the kids have taken a backseat to his hobby today.

OP posts:
RoderickRules · 01/04/2018 18:04

He said if you object that he wouldn’t go.
And you do object, but didn’t say, and he went and now you are resentful.
Seems a bit of a dishonest communication.

Put it behind you, have a lovely family meal, and next time, say.

Happy Easter!

AprilLady4 · 01/04/2018 18:05

That's mean of him, times like Easter should be family times. It's a bit late now, but can you do something tomorrow, just you and the DC?

HollowTalk · 01/04/2018 18:07

Are you sure that's where he is, OP? And are you sure he's at work when he says he is?

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2018 18:07

He said if you object that he wouldn’t go

So the OP has to be the Bad Guy.

Why doesn't he want to spend time with his family and how come he gets to opt out?

MuddyForestWalks · 01/04/2018 18:07

Are you sure he is at the office when he says it is? It seems to me that the OP made it abundantly clear she would have preferred him to stay but she wasn't going to dictate. I wonder if she had 'told him' to stay, would he have used her 'telling him what to do' as an excuse to engineer a row and storm off anyway?

pinkyredrose · 01/04/2018 18:08

I don't think OPs been dishonest. She was probably rather hoping her DH would prefer to spend time with his family of his own volition and not because she's had to ask him to.

wowfudge · 01/04/2018 18:11

Yep - he’s checked out of family life for some reason. But OP you said you had made plans for today. Do you not discuss things? There’s clearly something awry and you need to have an honest discussion.

killinginthenameof · 01/04/2018 18:13

Oh ffs Roderick. Is that how your relationship works? Permitting/ forbidding each other to do things? What about mutual respect, consideration? I'd be pissed right off if DH said he was going out unless I ordered him not to, especially when so little time is being spent at home

Homemadearmy · 01/04/2018 18:13

He didn’t go out till 2? So I would have assumed you didn’t have any plans.

Hotdoggity · 01/04/2018 18:17

Yeah you shouldn’t have to ask. He should just want to spend time as a family, particularly today.

Original poster
dawndown · 01/04/2018 18:19

I didn't want to tell him not to, as he's not one of the kids it was his decision as to what he wanted to do. I let him know I would be disappointed if he left.

The plans were family lunch, walk with the dog, watch a film together and eat eggs, with a roast for tea.

He stayed for egg hunt and some lunch and made it clear he had stayed as late as he could.

OP posts:
scrabbler3 · 01/04/2018 18:22

Strange behaviour, that you need to discuss properly asap OP.

BrendasUmbrella · 01/04/2018 18:23

I don't know why the day had to be crap for the rest of you. Do you frame all events around your husband? If you do, then stop. Let you and the kids be the focus of everything you do, and your DH is just a little bonus if he decides to join in. Don't give him the platform to choose whether or not to grace you all with his presence.

Wheresthebeach · 01/04/2018 18:24

I think the issue is bigger than today. You need to have a talk...a serious one, about expectations re: time spent together as a family and his working hours. Most jobs don't require working that late regularly.

If you were just hanging around at home he may not have felt it was a 'special day'. If you'd all agreed a day out somewhere, or a movie marathon or some such then it's crap for him to ditch.

Idontdowindows · 01/04/2018 18:24

He stayed for egg hunt and some lunch and made it clear he had stayed as late as he could.

Hmmm.

Well it's obvious he has something (or someone) better to do than you OP. Time for a hard talk methinks.

greenlanes · 01/04/2018 18:25

Sorry I dont think he is telling you the truth. I would snoop a bit when you get the opportunity.

NotTheFordType · 01/04/2018 18:26

Has he been off since Friday? Have you spent those days together as a family?

If you have, then I would consider it okay for him to have some hours to himself today (as long as you are also "allowed" to have an equal length of time to yourself while he parents.)

If he's been working over the bank holiday then YADNBU.

Rudgie47 · 01/04/2018 18:26

Do you think he might be seeing someone else? Thats what I would be thinking.

brummiesue · 01/04/2018 18:27

Sorry that behaviour seems very suspicious

AnnieAnoniMouser · 01/04/2018 18:27

I’m think his ‘working late’ & ‘hobby’ is an affair.

I’d ‘snoop’ when given any opportunity. If I found anything, he’d be gone.

NotTheFordType · 01/04/2018 18:28

And I'm usually the most cynical bitch in the world for calling out possible affairs, but if his hobby is something that requires daylight (e.g. photography) then I can understand the "made it clear he had stayed as late as he could" thing.

NewYearNewMe18 · 01/04/2018 18:28

Is he under a lot of pressure at work? As ever details are hazy (and I'm not probling ) but if he's got tight deadlines, he's having to work until 10pm, then he's wound like a coiled spring. Some people can switch off, some worry, so (assuming ) he's going gym/fishing/bike riding, he needs that down time . He did give you the option of whether he went or not . You could have compromised and said eg go to a closer lake/do a shorter route/be back by 3.30 and we can go out for a meal/to the pictures etc today

Wheresthebeach · 01/04/2018 18:28

Just seen your update 'stayed as late as he could' ... sounds like he was committed elsewhere and had definite plans.

Brenda has a point - don't let the fun of the day be ruined by him. Have fun with your kids without him.

ParkayFloor · 01/04/2018 18:30

I think it's a shame he sprung it on you at the last minute and I don't think "tell me not to do it and I wont" is adult communication. You obviously don't want to tell him what to do he needs to be responsible and do the right thing by his family without you feeling you have to nag and manage him into it. What if you had done the same today? He's selfish.

Curtainshopping · 01/04/2018 18:30

Well, what did you all do on Friday, yesterday and what about tomorrow?

A few hours out of a four day weekend to himself is not unreasonable, provided you could do the same if you chose to.

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