Ditched by DH

[dawndown]

DH has decided to go out and spend time on his hobby today. (It’s not a group thing like a sport, it’s just him, alone.) He decided this morning, when I thought we would be spending today together as a family. Although he asked if it was alright to go, it wasn’t a discussion, his words were, “tell me not to go and I won’t.” I don’t nag or dictate as to what he can do, so I found this odd. I let him know that I’d planned to spend the day together with the DCs and was disappointed, but I just kept getting that response.

I’m feeling pretty low about our relationship at the moment, a lot of late nights at the office, not getting in until gone 10pm so he’s not seeing DC or me much other than his days off.

He’s been out since 2pm and due back in about 45mins. I feel the days been a bit crap for the rest of us because of this, but AIBU? I mean, it’s his day off he should be doing what he wants to, and we’re not religious, so we celebrate Easter by eating chocolate eggs and a family meal.
But I can’t help feeling really put out that me and the kids have taken a backseat to his hobby today.

Weird.

Perhaps next time call his bluff. He's giving you the power to say 'No' - use it.

His reaction will be very telling....

My DH grew up in a very odd family arrangement, so when I have all my family here and our DDs/GC like today, he's like a fish out of water. He doesn't enjoy the noise and chaos, so he's been off playing golf today and he came back about an hour before everyone left. That way, he's sociable enough but not overwhelmed with it. It genuinely doesn't bother me and I arrange whatever I want to do. Family are just used to it. He helped load the dishwasher and clear the table so we share the load. It's something we are both very comfortable with.

OP you need to stop focusing your time and energy on him and do what you want, with the DCs. Time spent apart is his loss, not yours.

I think some of this depends on the hobby as well like a pp said if it something that requires daylight like mountain biking or photography then yeah there comes a point where he has to say hes going.
I am kind of torn about the communication, it is entirely possible he was being an arse and wanted you to say no so he could start a fight, it is also entirely possible he just wishes wou would say what the hell it is you mean instead of saying nothing then simmering on it the rest of the day. What have you done the rest of the weekend? Has he been off and is he off tomorrow? Because really there is nothing more special about today compared to yesterday or tomorrow unless you are religious.

DH works long unpredictable hours and I totally get what it is like being the wife in that situation and time together is precious but I also get that dh is the one that works the long and unpredictable hours and deserves his down time too so he will take himself of cycling for hours at a time and if I'd rather he didn't for whatever reason then I will tell him and we will discuss when it would be a more convenient for him to go. WHat I don't do is passive aggressively say I wanted to do xyz and hope he makes the right decision.

dawndown, you say that it's his day off and he can do what he wants to do - but then you say that the plans were lunch, dog walk, sitting to watch a film and eating chocolate and then dinner. Did he know about/agree to those plans? Were you aware that he intended to go out today?

I agree with PP about stopping making your husband the focus of everything. You can also go out whilst he looks after the children. Spending time apart is a positive thing, I think, healthy in a relationship but maybe there is more going on with yours than you've said.

For some, scheduled and prescriptive 'family time' ( I loathe that term) is cloying and not a pleasure. If he's engaged with the family the rest of the time then it's possible that he just needs time out. You're sad because you don't, you want him to be at home with you.

Talk to him. Nobody here can really advise you - he can tell you what's going on, if anything.

Sounds fishy and unless he’s taking a rod out with him and coming home muddy it’s not that sort of fishy

I'm contemplating a male/partner free life because I'm sick of having to tell them how they should be behaving. If they don't want to spend time with us then why bother. I'm out . . .

Hmmmm. Working late, checking out, not wanting to spend a family day with DC, being distant from his wife?

I'd be snooping too.

I stand by what I said.
If someone gives you an option and you don’t choose, you can’t then blame them for choosing wrong.

Why not say ‘I prefer you stay’

Am I missing something here?

I wouldn't bother me OP unless my DH hadn't spent any of the rest of the bank holiday weekend with us.

But if it bothers you, just say something next time.

Hobby doesn't require daylight hours.
I worked Friday and he worked from home for the best part of yesterday, and will be tomorrow as well.
I've felt like something's been off the last couple of weeks, he usually knows in advance the nights he will be late, but this week just past he sprung those nights on me too.
He is up for promotion and his job can be stressful at times, but this time I don't know why it feels different.
I think I'm going to monitor the late nights for now.

Also, it was the way he asked. It was so inflammatory and just kept repeating it.

No, I didn't want him to go, but equally I didn't want him sat in a sulk all afternoon not wanting to join in. That's what would have happened had I put my foot down.

I made it very apparent I did not want him to, but told him it was not my decision, I don't dictate how he chooses to spend his time.

RoderickRules because the exchange is really not as simple as that. The "i won't go if you don't want me to" line is a prelude to "you always ruin things/tell me what to do/don't want me to have fun/piss on my parade" As someone said earlier, that line is a set up for the other partner to put on the "I am a Horrible Person" hat.
It is the cue for more resentment.
It is the sentence that has no real response and pushes the other party into a corner
Anyone who has been on the end of this manipulation knows better than to say "I prefer you stay."
Roderick if human behaviour were that simple, none of us would be on Mumsnet.

I understand why dawn could not simply say 'I don't want you to go'. Then she'll be the one responsible for him being unable to pursue his hobby. As lola says, it's designed to push her into a corner.

I'd want to know where he has gone on his own. And getting back home from work till 10pm is quite suspicious. I'd be thinking OW is a possibility. I hope it isn't but it is strange behaviour to go off on his own. If he was out doing a sport or meeting friends then it's still a bit selfish on a holiday weekend but why would you go away on your own for the day.

Every couple communicates differently and approaches one another differently.
For all the folk saying how it doesn't bother them about their partners going off and doing stuff, I am quite srue there are corners of their relationship that make them feel vulnerable. So don't merrily flick off someone elses concerns about their most fragile parts of their relationship.
I understand how she feels. I know how that script goes. I also have friends for who there are issues that hit all their buzzers but never bother me. Doesn't mean I am in any better shape than them.
Horses for courses people

Something sounds a bit off. As the hobby doesn't require daylight hours..he could have stayed home longer...but he'd clearly prefer to be eleswhere.

Do you have access to his phone? Any other suspicious behaviour?

I think that dawndown should be talking to her husband; he's the only person who can reassure her, tell her what's going on in his life, etc.

Posters here are just going to project their own experiences because that's all they have. They can't know what's going on in OP's relationship even with the best will in the world.

There's no 'league table' of vulnerability here either, Lolaflores and I don't see anybody 'flicking off' OP's concerns either, they're entirely valid but nobody here can help. It sounds as if there is something more going on than just today/this weekend.

I’m leaning on his hobby being a person. The late nights then his only day off with his family and he’s desperate to leave.

Hang on Witch. Not talking about a league table. I didn't mention any sort of pecking order so not sure why you have inverted commas round the words.
Every relationship has its vulnerabilities. I think were my words.
You suggest she doesn't make her husband the focus of her attention. She quite obviously does not have his attention. If she were having any level of POSITIVE attention then she wouldn't feel quite so anxious...in my opinion.
There have been quite a few posters further up telling her to not be quite so needy. He needs time away from the family and so on and so forth. Which to me do not address her immediate concerns and seem to suggest she is being neurotic. In my opinion.

I said 'league table' in response to your comment regarding 'corners of relationship' and 'issues that hit all the buzzers'. Hope that's clearer.

I've suggested that OP talks to her husband because he obviously feels the need for time away from the family and either OP feels comfortable to also have some time for herself (which she'd absolutely be entitled to) or she won't want to do that. Either way, it doesn't mean that the other parent can't be away from the family but a caring and loving partner wouldn't want to do that to the detriment of his family so if there are issues, then OP needs to be plainer about what those are so that it's quite clear.

Nobody has said or suggested that the OP is neurotic; I re-read the thread to see if I'd missed it. That's an outrageous comment.

As the hobby doesn't require daylight hours. He could have stayed home longer not necessarily.

It could be a hobby that takes some time to set up/get to, in which case he could be looking at the time and thinking if he doesn't get 3-4 hours there isn't much point. My df does some woodwork that by the time he's got everything out, and remembering how much time it takes to tidy away, there isn't much point him starting to do it without a 3-4 hour window.
And he may well have felt it would be easier if he went out during the afternoon and was back for tea/bedtime.

I made it very apparent I did not want him to, but told him it was not my decision, that would really put my back up. Tell him to stay at home, fine. It's your decision but I shall be put out if you don't choose my way is irritating.

Whether you have previously discussed plans or not I hate this "I wont go if you don't want me to" It is just putting the responsibility on to you, if you say 'don't go' then you are accused of being controlling, spoiling his fun /down time. If you do not say 'don't go' then you are seen as giving him permission to bugger off / or not speaking up for yourself and have nothing to moan about.

Importantly though he is forcing you to make the decision while he takes no responsibility.

In a grown up relationship you should be able to say to your partner I don't want you to do this, I thought we were doing something else together and you have a discussion not an ultimatum.

If my OH was regularly working late, often at short notice and we had one day off together I would really expect him to want to spend that one day with me and the children. Who does he think is looking after his children to enable him to work late / seek promotion /enjoy his hobby?

Unless he had something pre planned in the calendar I would be upset that he chose to spend the time elsewhere, I would be suspicious as to what was so more interesting than us that he felt he could not stay longer. What is more important?

That doesn't make me controlling or insecure, it makes me human.

It's very hard to say without knowing what the hobby is -as per usual it is the mysterious MN 'hobby' so rare that any mention of it will out the OP and all her relatives. It might be a perfectly valid amount of time to spend on ahobby, today might be the only suitable day over the holiday - who knows?

it doesn;t immediately scream affair to me - but then my XH had affairs and I didn;t cotton on until he actually ran off - he did do weird shit during affairs, but then again he did weird shit all the time - his 'hobbies' apart from screwing other women included gambling and ' metal detecting' all of which involved him being out of the house for long periods.

I agree 'tell me not to go' means ' tell me not to go so I can sulk all afternoon and make sure no one enjoys themself (and also possibly 'and so I can bitch to my girlfriend how unreasonable my wife is' - but that may not be the case)

If you have to tell your H to spend time with his family, then he doesn't want to spend time with his family - that's the difference between you, you like to be with your children and him, he has to be told - whether you can reconcile that depends largely on whether he is prepared to reprioritise.

But as I say - depends on the hobby and whether today was in some way and ideal chance for it that might not come along again for a while. And also whether you get child free time to spend on your hobbies.

dont attribute words to me like league table if I didnt use them.

As to the OP being plainer, I think it is clear that her DH put her in a position that made it impossible for her to clearly state her feelings and frankly without being made to look unreasonable.
Her DH has been making himself unavailable.
From what the OP reports as to his general demeanour, he is not very approachable. These circumstances do not lend themselves to open and honest conversations.
I think if the OP felt able to have such a conversation, she would not be on Mumnet trying to work out what the frig he is up to.
The situation is past a bit of a chat.
The word neurotic is not outrageous and I have not used it in a pejorative context. If thats what you mean.