To go NC with best friend over this?

[StubbornOrSensible]

More of a 'was I being unreasonable' as me and let's call her 'Chloe' have fallen out and have been NC for a year. Only thinking about it again because I got together with an old friend for drinks and she asked how 'Chloe' was and I said we haven't spoken in a year+ and she was so shocked and said something about "how sad you gave up five year friendship over that" and it raised the question did I over react? Because I really don't think I did.

Going to start off by saying although she was my best friend there were some things about her that always hurt me, but she was stubborn and you couldnt argue with her or convince her of anything so I never raised them and just sort of accepted they were parts of her.

After 4 years of it basically always being just me and Chloe, she started to get close with this one girl, 'Natasha' and the two over the course of a year became practically inseparable. I'd still see Chloe as long as I texted first, made the plans, picked her up and dropped her home but that was as far as it went. She'd leave my messages ignored for days but still be fine when she saw me so I kept on trying to see past it.

Natasha and I had been friends once as we were all part of the same friendship group at uni so one night they invited me to some drinks at her place. It was the first time I saw how Chloe and Natasha were together and it made me jealous, and I felt so stupid but it really hurt me. They just seemed so close and had all these inside jokes and Chloe treated her house like her own (when at mine she acts like a guest) and it was just the opposite of how Chloe acts with me. That night we were all in Natasha's bedroom and those two popped out for a cigarette and I stayed in the room. Was looking at polaroid pictures of us back in uni on her notice board on the wall and saw there was a letter pinned up on this notice board handwritten from Chloe. The letter was literally gushing like "you are the best friend I have ever had. Thank you so much for all you do for me." Loads more inside jokes etc and talking about all their memories over the last year of being close. I just shrugged it off but it stung that Chloe cared enough about Natasha to write handwritten letters and I'd never had so much as a birthday card or a thank you for anything over 4 years of friendship and I'd paid to take her on holiday after her boyfriend cheated on her.

Chloe referred to Natasha as the most important person in her life, and these things sound so immature I'll probably get ripped apart but it's hard not to take it personally - Over 4 years of friendship Chloe had never posted a single photo of me and her on her social media, there were probably around 50 of her and Natasha. She also would tweet things like "My best friend is an idiot' and a funny screenshot of a text from her and stuff. I just started to feel really fucking invisible. Chloe would still come over sometimes, but would be constantly messaging Natasha, again it hurt because she always messaged her to arrange plans and see each other but it was a fact, me and Chloe would never see each other or speak unless I initiated contact. I tested this theory to see if I was just making plans before she had the chance and we went nearly a month with no contact at all until I caved and messaged her again.

Birthdays and Christmas' passed and Natasha would post pictures of all her presents from Chloe, again I had never had a present from her in 5 years of friendship. I started to say to Chloe that I feel really insignificant compared to Natasha and she'd say just because we were each other's only friend for 5 years doesn't mean she can't have new ones and would make me feel like a jealous, possessive twat. I admit I was jealous of their friendship but it mainly just hurt me how different Chloe treated her, how appreciative Chloe was of her and how much Chloe cared about her - I'd been a good friend to her and she always just acted fine with me.

The big blow out came when I messaged her saying "I've had enough of feeling anxious, you don't bother with me unless I make the effort, you don't seem to care about our friendship and it hurts to constantly be made to feel insignificant" again it was comments like "you're really going to end our friendship because you're jealous of Natasha" "I'm not your girlfriend stop being so possessive"

All the time she'd make me out to be possessive but it wasn't to do with her having another friend - it was about seeing how she treated Natasha that made me realise how badly she treated me. Never making the effort to be in touch, to make plans, ignoring my messages for days, never asking how my life was, happily letting me spend money on her which was my own choice I know but she'd never say thank you, just overall treating me entirely different. I realised that it was just crushing my self esteem and blocked her off everything and went NC. Haven't spoken since and she never tried to reconcile and neither have I. I feel I behaved albeit emotionally but fairly and cut off a 'friend' who obviously didn't care about me. My friend at dinner the other night more thought I'd been jealous and lonely and acted irrationally.

Was I being unreasonable, or was she?

I don't think you've behaved in a crazy way - more that you've come to the realisation that Chloe meant a lot more to you than you did to her. It's really hard though. I don't think you were unreasonable to end a friendship which had clearly run its course. Whatever Chloe needs from her friends she obviously gets from Natasha rather than from you - the important thing is that isn't your fault. You'll find your own Natasha one day and be appreciated for who you are.

Abso,utely agree with you op, between you, it was her taking, and never giving or reciprocating. She made it quite clear that you were not important to her. I woukd have sacked that friendship off ages ago. Just tell yiur friend, you drifted apart.

Yeah that wasnt a friendship, it was an unhealthy relationship where she took and you gave. Her friendship with natasha sounds intense but more equal then you both had.

You were right to go nc. Do ask yourself though why you bent over backwards for her for so long. Did you know deep down you had to pay to keep paying for her friendship?

crunchy is right, just not given to sugar-coating her opinions.

There's a difference between not sugar coating and knowing what you say is going to make someone feel really shit. It's NOT a good or decent thing to Always Tell It Like It Is or I Don't Sugar Coat Me. You can say the exact same thing without being harsh and unkind.

Stubborn. It took you a long time to see Chloe for what she was, but eventually you did. Hopefully you have learnt the lesson that friendships need more balance. They don’t need to be mirror images, but there needs to be give & take. Have a look at your current friendships and see if there is.

The friend you had dinner with obviously doesn’t have all the details, who knows what she’d think if she did. Some posters on here agree with her, but that doesn’t surprise me, lots of people on MN don’t appear to have especially great friendships.

You saw the light & moved on. You did the right thing. Just make sure you don’t have more Chloe’s in your life now.

Sorry to hear about this situation. I think that Chloe was using you and should have told you not to buy stuff for her. I also think you should have attempted to keep the relationship equal by not buying things for her and waiting for her to return the favour with lifts, phone calls etc. The friendship would probably have fizzled out sooner than it did if so, but anyway it sounds like you have learned from the friendship and have a nice BF and some friends now.

As to Chloe and Natasha’s relationship, whether or not it is platonic they remind me of those couples who sit next to each other on the couch posting on FB about how much they love each other and what a great relationship they have instead of talking in oerson . Then six months later go through an acrimonious divorce.

Chloe's actions spoke louder than her words op.
She did not call, did not message. you did all the running. there must be give and take.

Are you writing a book?

Thanks all - definitely think my friend has heard much more from 'Chloe's side than mine but I couldn't really be bothered to trudge up all the details. Not spoken to Chloe in 16 months and she has made no attempt to re-connect and frankly the biggest change my life had from cutting her out of my life was a lot less anxiety and much more stable friendships. Think it was always playing in my mind whether I was bu or not though - obviously there's mixed opinions here but interesting to think about

@Calvinlookingforhobbs No I am not writing a book? Pardon?

To be honest, you sound a little needy. She never thanked you for anything in three years, yet you kept insisting on paying for her, taking her on holiday, etc etc. She may have felt a little smothered.

"you don't bother with me unless I make the effort, you don't seem to care about our friendship and it hurts to constantly be made to feel insignificant"

This was important for me too. I felt the same with an ex best friend. Meeting someone else made me feel like I deserved more.

I was in a situation where I was a bit of a "Chloe" myself. I had a friend who obviously wanted us to be a lot closer than we were. I liked him, I considered him a friend, but I had to keep him at arms length as if I gave him anything back, then he would be very full on. He kept telling me how great I was, that he would do anything for me, etc. It was really oppressive and unwanted. I didn't let him buy me stuff etc. like Chloe did, but if I had let him have a chance to, he would have done it. It was like this for years and tbh, it just pottered along in the background and didn't disturb me so I didn't do anything in particular about it (I probably should have).

Then last year, a new person started whom I got on really well with and we quickly became good friends. We just clicked the way I didn't with the other guy. So we were having lunch together, messing around together, doing all the things the other guy wanted us to do but which didn't happen. He got really upset about it as I think he had tricked himself into thinking it was just the way I was, not specific to him. I understand that it must have been hurtful to him, but I couldn't be close friends with him just because he really, really wanted it, and he doesn't get to have a say in whom I am good friends with and how I can be around them.

So in conclusion, I think it is very understandable that you felt hurt and that you were right to distance yourself from Chloe, but I don't think that Chloe has done anything wrong. I would see the whole situation as a learning experience on how friendships work and how to manage expectations.

MsGameandWatching I agree with what you said, AIBU is all about kicking someone when they're down, and not being bothered to craft their advice in a way not to rip the person to shreds.

And the victim-blaming on here, calling the OP 'needy' - mean.

Chloe and Natasha are gay

OP, I can relate to some of what you have written as I also had friends I used to help out financially when I was younger. I used to pay for meals out, takeaways, even baby stuff and saw it as me being a friend to them. Then one day, I suddenly realised that they couldn't afford those things because they were prioritising other things (world travels, new property, wedding etc) much of which hadn't included me. It took me quite a few years to realise that very often people afford what they want to afford and also to believe what people do rather than what they say.

I think you did the right thing letting this friendship go.

YANBU, Chloe is a user and at best saw you as a backup friend.
You’re right to just forget about her and enjoy the company of your actual friends.

It sounds deliberate to me!

Op you should have dumped Chloe ages ago. You don't sound next at all, you probably were very into her, but she was notibyo you. They could possibly be lovers, sounds very intense for s friendship.

It does sound like Chloe wasn't really that bothered about being friends with you, the friendship mattered a lot more to you than it did to her. Anyway, it sounds like you've moved on and are in a really good place, so you clearly made the right call.

I think you did the right thing in stopping contacting her, but I also think that she didn't do anything wrong either. You were never meant to be long lasting friends, that's all.

You need to stay away from all of this now op. Don't go back into something that made you feel bad about yourself and excluded. You have nothing to reproach yourself for other than letting yourself be taken advantage of.

Leave them to it. It all sounds way too intense and I don't think things will end happily here. I have a feeling she may get back in touch with you when there is a fall out and whatever you do do not go back there.

This level of overly advertised intense friendship is a sign of immaturity. I am in my fifties and still see women my age on Instagram grading their friendships "Look at me with my bestie"etc Are they still in primary school? You don't need to advertise genuine friendship with flowery letters, postings etc.