To go NC with best friend over this?

[StubbornOrSensible]

More of a 'was I being unreasonable' as me and let's call her 'Chloe' have fallen out and have been NC for a year. Only thinking about it again because I got together with an old friend for drinks and she asked how 'Chloe' was and I said we haven't spoken in a year+ and she was so shocked and said something about "how sad you gave up five year friendship over that" and it raised the question did I over react? Because I really don't think I did.

Going to start off by saying although she was my best friend there were some things about her that always hurt me, but she was stubborn and you couldnt argue with her or convince her of anything so I never raised them and just sort of accepted they were parts of her.

After 4 years of it basically always being just me and Chloe, she started to get close with this one girl, 'Natasha' and the two over the course of a year became practically inseparable. I'd still see Chloe as long as I texted first, made the plans, picked her up and dropped her home but that was as far as it went. She'd leave my messages ignored for days but still be fine when she saw me so I kept on trying to see past it.

Natasha and I had been friends once as we were all part of the same friendship group at uni so one night they invited me to some drinks at her place. It was the first time I saw how Chloe and Natasha were together and it made me jealous, and I felt so stupid but it really hurt me. They just seemed so close and had all these inside jokes and Chloe treated her house like her own (when at mine she acts like a guest) and it was just the opposite of how Chloe acts with me. That night we were all in Natasha's bedroom and those two popped out for a cigarette and I stayed in the room. Was looking at polaroid pictures of us back in uni on her notice board on the wall and saw there was a letter pinned up on this notice board handwritten from Chloe. The letter was literally gushing like "you are the best friend I have ever had. Thank you so much for all you do for me." Loads more inside jokes etc and talking about all their memories over the last year of being close. I just shrugged it off but it stung that Chloe cared enough about Natasha to write handwritten letters and I'd never had so much as a birthday card or a thank you for anything over 4 years of friendship and I'd paid to take her on holiday after her boyfriend cheated on her.

Chloe referred to Natasha as the most important person in her life, and these things sound so immature I'll probably get ripped apart but it's hard not to take it personally - Over 4 years of friendship Chloe had never posted a single photo of me and her on her social media, there were probably around 50 of her and Natasha. She also would tweet things like "My best friend is an idiot' and a funny screenshot of a text from her and stuff. I just started to feel really fucking invisible. Chloe would still come over sometimes, but would be constantly messaging Natasha, again it hurt because she always messaged her to arrange plans and see each other but it was a fact, me and Chloe would never see each other or speak unless I initiated contact. I tested this theory to see if I was just making plans before she had the chance and we went nearly a month with no contact at all until I caved and messaged her again.

Birthdays and Christmas' passed and Natasha would post pictures of all her presents from Chloe, again I had never had a present from her in 5 years of friendship. I started to say to Chloe that I feel really insignificant compared to Natasha and she'd say just because we were each other's only friend for 5 years doesn't mean she can't have new ones and would make me feel like a jealous, possessive twat. I admit I was jealous of their friendship but it mainly just hurt me how different Chloe treated her, how appreciative Chloe was of her and how much Chloe cared about her - I'd been a good friend to her and she always just acted fine with me.

The big blow out came when I messaged her saying "I've had enough of feeling anxious, you don't bother with me unless I make the effort, you don't seem to care about our friendship and it hurts to constantly be made to feel insignificant" again it was comments like "you're really going to end our friendship because you're jealous of Natasha" "I'm not your girlfriend stop being so possessive"

All the time she'd make me out to be possessive but it wasn't to do with her having another friend - it was about seeing how she treated Natasha that made me realise how badly she treated me. Never making the effort to be in touch, to make plans, ignoring my messages for days, never asking how my life was, happily letting me spend money on her which was my own choice I know but she'd never say thank you, just overall treating me entirely different. I realised that it was just crushing my self esteem and blocked her off everything and went NC. Haven't spoken since and she never tried to reconcile and neither have I. I feel I behaved albeit emotionally but fairly and cut off a 'friend' who obviously didn't care about me. My friend at dinner the other night more thought I'd been jealous and lonely and acted irrationally.

Was I being unreasonable, or was she?

So I assume that Neither of you contacted one another?

The friendship came to an end.
dont dwell on it op.

Maybe, crunchy, OP had more money and was trying to be a good friend because she wanted to be able to do things with her 'friend' ? Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I am not trying to be unkind. Simply pointing out that is you just blame Chloe, you miss your part in all of this. Learn from this for future friendships.

The thing about having to describe these friendship situations on here, is that it can seem trivial in the grand scheme of life, but it can really hurt when you're going thru it in RL.

Are you one of those people who 'tell it like it is' and say 'I'm not being mean but...'? I suspect so.

Cat Most of us learn our social skills from our mistakes. That is natural. So it is fine if OP learns her mistakes, that is natural. But all those people commenting that it is all Chloe's fault are not helping the OP.

It sounds like you really threw yourself into this friendship and lavished things on her. Some people show their friendship that way. But she didn’t consider you a friend, and she may not have known how to say no. It’s difficult not knowing the dynamic. She could have been a user, or she could have not known how to say no if you were insistent. Sometimes that can smother people.

Regardless, you need to learn how to set boundaries for yourself. She doesn’t ‘owe’ you closeness because you buy her things. You buy things for friends because you value your friendship. It sounds like she never saw you as close as you did, and you tried to spend your way to having her be endebted to you and therefore had to be your best friend. It is a way to control people.

I'm not laying blame. But Chloe sounds like a CF who strung op along for as long as it was convenient. Op went along with it until she realised that Chloe wasn't actually a very good friend. So she has learnt from it.

Some people seem to learn their social skills from Eastenders.

@alligatortoss you do better then

Cat No. But the thing about MN is that people say what would really help the OP, rather than the usual platitudes that we say in real life.

Paying for lots of things for someone else either means that if they are a user type they will happily take it, or you risk them feeling uncomfortable and as if you are trying to buy their friendships and set up an unequal friendship dynamic. Treating someone as a one off is fine. But OP if a friendship feels unequal in terms of what you are doing or giving, pull back. It does not automatically mean that the other person is using you. But if you pull back in giving things and they still want to socialise with you, it means you are friends, but not the kind who pay for each other and do lots of things for each other., Which is fine, value what you have.

Yes Zoe you said it better than me.

@ZoeWashburne Was definitely not me trying to control her. More I enjoyed her company and wanted to do nice things, she couldn't afford to so I paid. I'm not mad that I spent the money and I have said in previous posts that it was my choice and I'm not resentful for that. I'm more resentful that she never said thank you for anything.

Ywdnbu OP and well done on moving on and getting on with your life. I hope you are much more confidant and happy now. FWIW l hope you have totally blocked Chloe and her BFF from your life so that you are not tempted to look at what they are getting up to because that is just fuelling your hurt . Hugs my dear concentrate on those who love you for who you are not for what they can get out of you .

Natasha wasn't the reason I stopped being her friend, it was what Natasha made me realise

This ^

I think Natasha I said a red herring and you've done the right thing.

You've been used and had a wake up call.

In future if you are asked about the friendship decline I wouldn't mention Natasha - I would say she used you and your kindness and never reciprocated or messaged you

@crunchymint See my below post. I admit looking back that I was naive, but the friendship started when we were 18/19 and I was young and mistakes were made. I don't see my actions as controlling or possessive, simply just being too naive to see where I was being used and unappreciated

Thanks to all the replies by the way. Too many to respond individually but appreciate all the opinions.

But Chloe sounds like a CF who strung op along for as long as it was convenient

I suspect there might be two sides to this. I suspect the OP saw it as her trying to do nice things for her friend, and getting increasingly upset that Chloe didn't reciprocate or feel grateful. Whereas I suspect that Chloe probably felt a bit smothered and didn't know how to ask the OP to back off without losing her friendship completely or creating a big drama. They were both young and inexperienced at dealing with this sort of thing.

Yes I totally understand that you were young and we all learn from our mistakes, that is normal. But without having stopped paying for things, you can't judge whether Chloe was a user or not.

All the time she'd make me out to be possessive but it wasn't to do with her having another friend - it was about seeing how she treated Natasha that made me realise how badly she treated me.

This is key. Don't let her make you feel like you're being a jealous lover, when you're understandably upset that someone is treating you like shit while making a point of showing you (and the rest of the world) how wonderfully they treat someone else.

All the posters suggesting Chloe and Natasha are lesbians:

I think some people (well, it does tend to be women) kind of get off on leaving someone out. Most people with manners wouldn't keep banging on about how close they were to someone else, talk to you about plans they'd made that don't include you, or have private jokes they would refer to in front of you. It's just not what normal, polite people do. Unless they're doing to to make a point (and the point seems to be "I don't like you").

Definitely cut off these losers. And next time, don't give so much of yourself. It sounds like Chloe was never really that into you, but you did all the work in your friendship (chasing her to get together, picking her up and taking her home, paying for everything) so it was an easy life for her to just be your friend. Then when she's met someone she actually clicks with, it's almost like she wants to make it so painful for you to hang around with her, that you'll just piss off and leave them to it. You've served your purpose and she doesn't need you any more.

I'm sorry, that sounds so harsh! But what I'm saying is, don't waste any more time or angst on this person! Find lovely new friends!

Friendships should be a give and take. It's not always 100% even 100% of the time... I'd say she took advantage of you and you're well rid of her. It's hard to realise that people aren't what you thought they were.

It's hard to say that she did anything particularly awful but it's clear she made you feel undervalued and like you weren't a worthwhile friend and that when you tried to talk to her about it, it went poorly.

I'm glad you're much happier now, perhaps you've learned not to settle for mediocre treatment for lack of better options.

I don't think your age has anything to do with the way you reacted. I found myself in a similar situation with my best friend of 13 years. No one knows how hurtful it is until it happens to them. I eventually had a showdown with her and went NC. That was two years ago. We were part of a friendship group of around seven of us and they thought IWBU and I was effectively cut off from the group. She just couldn't see how hurtful her selfishness had been and neither could they.

I was 48 at the time and I have never regretted my decision. Yes I lost friends but were they true friends? No of course not. Friendships that make us feel inadequate and unloved are not true friendships.

If Chloe wasn't a user then she'd have texted first occasionally or suggested going out but she didn't.

OP, but you are upset you spent the money. Either you enjoyed her company or you were doing it to become closer. Unfortunately, friendship is like dating: just because someone buys you things doesn’t mean the owe you something.

Should she have shut this down? yes. But also, it sounds like you wanted Chloe to yourself, and when Natasha came on, you felt that Chloe owed you the things she was giving Natasha because you spent on her.

Regardless, it sounds like a toxic dynamic for you that gave you jealousy and anxiety. It’s fine to remove yourself from that.

But going forward with friendships, don’t give more than you are willing to lose, and make sure that relationships are fulfilling to you, not just because you want closeness. Set healthy boundaries for yourself.

Also recognise that usually no one person fulfills all your friendship needs, and that’s ok. You can have your fun party friend, your career friend, your philosophical friend. Let these happen organically, and learn to be your own best friend.

YANBU.
Sounds like she was happy to be your friend until Natasha came along and then for whatever reason, Natasha was the one she wanted to be with, so you came second best every time.
Bit of a user, maybe.

Stay NC with her - she's not worth your time.

Chloe did get a lot from me, I constantly checked in on her, if she couldn't afford to go out but wanted to I'd pay, if I was going to a concert and she wanted to come but couldn't afford I'd pay, I'd pay for food shopping when she was at uni and run out of money, I'd give her lifts all the time, even took her on holiday but she never did anything for me.

Sorry but this sounds weird as fuck and I would run from the hills from this. I don’t think at your age a ‘constantly checking up’ relationship is desirable or healthy for women your age. It also sounds like you tried to buy her friendship. Did you come from different class backgrounds?

It can be really unpleasant having a wealthier friend who does things for you but expects that you are beholden to them in return and must let them control you.