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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

IANBU - SIL and dinner conversation

68 replies

AlphaApple · 31/03/2018 20:58

SIL (DH's sister) is recently widowed and a devout Christian (this is relevant). We are her only family near by so try to spend as much time as we can with her because she is lonely and sad.

She came around for dinner tonight. My DH, my DD and my parents were here. She dominated the conversation with:

How life is a daily struggle without her husband.

How we were all going to hell. Living a good life wasn't enough to get you into heaven, you had to be a true follower of Christ. Me, my DH, my parents, my 10 year old DD were all going to hell.
How I would have to move house when my husband dies because I couldn't get the logs in for the fire on my own.
How my mother would have to move into a home when my father dies because she wouldn't cope living on her own.
How my dog would probably die when we left him with a dog sitter for a week when we go on holiday.
And the icing on the cake, how no one but widows understood true grief (my DH lost his son to leukaemia, but apparently that wasn't the same).

After everyone had tried to gently steer then conversation to other topics I finally snapped and told her to change the subject. I was probably rude when I said it and the rest of the evening was pretty uncomfortable. I wasn't U was I?

OP posts:
JamPasty · 31/03/2018 21:00

Crikey, not in the least! Your DD was there when SIL was saying she (DD) was going to hell?!!

Leeds2 · 31/03/2018 21:02

I'm surprised you DH didn't tell her to STFU if she told him he didn't understand grief.

MyHairNeedsAnExorcist · 31/03/2018 21:02

I think she’s lucky that she wasn’t asked to leave...

ChasedByBees · 31/03/2018 21:04

That sounds unbearable!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 31/03/2018 21:05

Well, I'd ask her to justify her ranty opinion with God being a Forgiver of all Sins and just who the Jeff made her Judge'n'Jury?

But yes, telling her to zip it probably stopped her in her tracks too.

She's grieving but her opinions aren't allowed to dominate and offend.

Scabetty · 31/03/2018 21:05

Enough already. You were not unreasonable.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 31/03/2018 21:06

So from today your dh can go visit her. ...

52FestiveRoad · 31/03/2018 21:08

She told her own brother who has lost a child to cancer that he did not know what true grief was? OP I would have physically chucked her out of my house at that point. What a cow!

MsHomeSlice · 31/03/2018 21:09

has she made another date to come round?

How long ago did her husband die? I mean if it's super recent then maybe she needs cutting some slack, maybe coming round to yours to have dinner with happy families is a bit much?

However if it's been a while and she is always so negative then maybe your telling off might make her think.

I know my mother used to harp on and on about how awful it was to be widowed with never a care for the fact that my brother and I were now down a parent and had her threatening all sorts of nonsense. She had a "telling" from me on more than one occasion, only to be told I was just like my dad Hmm

I suppose there is no right way to grieve, but making heavy weather of it as she seems to be doing is not going to help her move on. or win her much support or empathy

LexieLulu · 31/03/2018 21:11

Bloody hell! (Sorry prob should say hell) she's a fruit loop!

You need to stand your ground, tell her if she's going to carry on she is not welcome in your home.

Dozer · 31/03/2018 21:11

Her behaviour was inappropriate. You were not U to intervene.

A relative of mine behaved a bit like this following a bereavement, although was not as bad. They refused to seek any help for their mental health, sadly, but the behaviour did stop after a while.

DairyisClosed · 31/03/2018 21:11

I probably would have thrown her out at the comment re you husband's son. Well done for being so restrained in your response. Most people would have e tiredly lost it.

NailsNeedDoing · 31/03/2018 21:14

Your DH needs to talk to her and tell her that some topics of conversation aren't appropriate for your dd to hear and are unwelcome. Try and get the message across to her but don't abandon her. You have no idea how she is feeling if she's only recently widowed, and she probably isn't thinking straight. I don't think you were U to tell her to stop if she needed to hear it, but try to keep giving her kindnesses.

AlphaApple · 31/03/2018 21:16

She's always been like this, but it's 100 times worse since she lost her husband (8 months ago, which is no time given they were married over 50 years).

She did apologise after I told her I didn't want to scenario plan for my husband's death in front of my 10 year old. But told me that it was no good being "over sensitive" about these things as it was likely he would die before me so I'd be better off thinking about it and planning for it ahead of time. Hmm

OP posts:
Amanduh · 31/03/2018 21:19

If she is recently widowed she’s probably mindless with grief. Yanbu for losing it you are only human! But she is nbu either, grief makes people crazy.

JamPasty · 31/03/2018 21:20

Wow, just wow! No way I would be having her near your DD any time soon - totally and utterly inappropriate and frankly cruel of her to say the things she did!

flumpybear · 31/03/2018 21:22

I think she'd said more than enough to provoke a response. I'd be telling her that if she thinks she's got a seat in heaven because she believes but she's a cow to people then who wants to be in a heaven like that?!

KitKat1985 · 31/03/2018 21:22

YANBU. At all.

MsHomeSlice · 31/03/2018 21:22

sounds like she is that type of person then....

if she apologised then maybe she will have a think and start to mend her ways!

or maybe she'd like to chat with my mother about holidays in Switzerland on a one way ticket....that was a fun car journey with all three children (primary aged) in the car.

diddl · 31/03/2018 21:22

How did you not tell her to leave?

I don't think that I could have anything more to do with her.

I'm not religious, but hell & people coping or not after a spouses death?

Sorry, but she could just fuck off with that.

Lizzie48 · 31/03/2018 21:25

That's very difficult. Obviously she's in a bad place having been widowed, but that isn't an excuse for saying what she did about your DH losing his son to cancer. Some things just shouldn't be said, ever.

But she's probably really struggling and people do say things they shouldn't when grieving. My MIL used to threaten to throw herself under a car after my FIL died in a car accident. She wouldn't dream of saying that now.

Is her behaviour out of character, a consequence of her grief, or was she like that before her DH died?

Sn0tnose · 31/03/2018 21:25

I think you were incredibly restrained. Far more than I would have managed. Not at all unreasonable.

mantlepiece · 31/03/2018 21:26

I think you need to suggest bereavement counselling to her, that really can’t go on, YWNBU to tell her so.

Iloveacurry · 31/03/2018 21:27

I think I would be cutting back my invites to her!

LanaorAna2 · 31/03/2018 21:28

Mental health, not religion, is her problem.

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