IANBU - SIL and dinner conversation

[AlphaApple]

SIL (DH's sister) is recently widowed and a devout Christian (this is relevant). We are her only family near by so try to spend as much time as we can with her because she is lonely and sad.

She came around for dinner tonight. My DH, my DD and my parents were here. She dominated the conversation with:

How life is a daily struggle without her husband.

How we were all going to hell. Living a good life wasn't enough to get you into heaven, you had to be a true follower of Christ. Me, my DH, my parents, my 10 year old DD were all going to hell.
How I would have to move house when my husband dies because I couldn't get the logs in for the fire on my own.
How my mother would have to move into a home when my father dies because she wouldn't cope living on her own.
How my dog would probably die when we left him with a dog sitter for a week when we go on holiday.
And the icing on the cake, how no one but widows understood true grief (my DH lost his son to leukaemia, but apparently that wasn't the same).

After everyone had tried to gently steer then conversation to other topics I finally snapped and told her to change the subject. I was probably rude when I said it and the rest of the evening was pretty uncomfortable. I wasn't U was I?

Yi

I think in the face of that grief it's fully understandable a person would be grasping for certainty and meaning. Not saying it's excusable.

Another name for the God is the Counsellor so.. yeah.

I would continue firmly laying down boundaries to protect my DC and myself while SIL goes through her grieving process. She is an adult, she can be gently redirected to sources of support.

You weren’t unreasonable BUT grief affects mood,behaviour,social interaction
I’m not excusing her but I am hoping context will be understood and some compassion
As you say she has some good features, just at the mo she’s somewhat provocative

Thank you everyone for letting me unload. Hopefully in future we can find some safe topics of conversation!

Do you want to talk about life insurance and wills and things like that with your dc? Just so she knows death is a topic that she is allowed to talk about with you.

No one would speak of their beliefs like that in my house, no matter who they were or their circumstances. Totally uncalled for and frankly she sounds like she's always been vile. If I was you, I'd make it known she wouldn't be welcomed unless she reeled her bullshit in

She’d be a lot lonelier from now on if she was my SIL, as I most certainly would not be inviting her to my house nor would I visit her.

Grief is no excuse for rudeness and she is behaving appalling.

Someone once told me (they read it somewhere)
If you lost your parents you are an orphan.
If you lose your partner you are a widow.
But a parent who loses a child- well there is no word for that, because that is too horrific and should never happen.
Maybe remind her if that the next time she poo poo's your dh's tragic loss.
I am sure she is hurting but she is being very self centered.

This sounds like my Gran who has always been a prickly character but after my Grandpa died went full batshit. She was angry and bitter and reented everyone and everything. Said some terrible things to people, truly dreadful and wicked things. She ended up not coming to my wedding because she and my Mum had a huge blow up a couple of days before when my Gran had said awful things (and my Mum is an insanely calm person. She doesn’t argue with anyone). This was a couple of years after his death and I would like to say she’s improved but 7yrs later she’s still very bitter and angry, won’t seek any help. She also did that thing your SIL did to you about my Mum preparing to be a widow. My Dad is 10yrs older than my Mum so- yes- the likelihood is he will die first. But at this stage they were 55 and 65 and both in good health, both still working in fact, and my Gran kept henpecking my Mum about “emotionally preparing” for my Dads passing and saying “I only wish someone had told me this 20yrs ago....” My Mum ended up feeling quite depressed and anxious as my Gran brought it up daily and in the end she had to actually say “this topic of conversation is not helpful. We’ve got everything sorted out in terms of finance, wills etc but me thinking about being a widow before I am one is just depressing me”.

As for the religious stuff, reminds me of my Batshit Auntie who is a Jehovah’s Witness and regularly just slips into chat about people going to hell including gays, divorcees, people who have babies outside marriage, people who haven’t “seen the light” and basically anyone who isn’t her or a member of her congregation. She was always telling me and my sister in childhood that we had to accept Gods path or face hell. My Dad snapped one day and told her to fuck off! 😆

She sounds like she has mental health issues. There's very good Christian Counselling services available, maybe suggest she could do with some grief counselling? Then cut down on the invites.

You sound lovely, OP, and very restrained. I'd have kicked her out but I'm not known for my tolerance.

The first year following a bereavement is a living hell, and widows are not thinking or behaving normally during it. I would certainly speak to her minister (or vicar if she’s in England), and say she needs some pastoral support.
The grief blots out everything, including all sense of perspective, and makes it impossible to conceive of anyone else suffering anything remotely comparable. In a few years time she will probably be mortified at having said such things to you and your husband.
In the meantime, try to be forbearing as much as you can, treat her with patience and kindness, and just gently point out when she is being unreasonable. A kindly and well meant reality check is much needed when she is lost in the fog of grief.
I was widowed at 35, and I greatly appreciated the support of my husband’s dear old spinster aunt, to whom I sobbed for hours at a time about losing my much loved husband- never stopping to think that she had a) never known the love of a partner and b) had lost her much loved nephew.
She patiently provided emotional support for me, prayed with me, and when needed gave me a “pull yourself together” pep talk!
I hope you can continue to support your poor MIL, while gently drawing lines where required. God bless.

That’s a very thoughtful and lovely post Babdoc

Alpha I would say, the people I knew were also mainly very lovely people. They were caring, compassionate, volunteered to help people, fantastic friends.

However if you got them on to certain topics - gays, men being head of the house, creationism, yoga (bad as originates in Hinduism), lots of other things they could get v judgmental and fast. However I'm sure most people they knew had no idea of this and just thought they were really kind people.

Grieving isn't a get out of jail free card for rude behaviour and sometimes you do need someone to draw you back into the world I know, I think I was bloody awful

She sounds depressed tbh

I wouldn't tolerate any religious bullshit carry on in my house, and would've told her to stop immediately or leave. But regardless of anything else, she'd have been kicked out for the disgusting comments about DH's son alone.

And of course you’d factor in empathy and compassion for recent bereavement
Or would you just be all sassy yo yo no bullshit in this house..blah blah

Convert to Catholicism and tell her the Pope abolished hell last week so you’re safe....