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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I probably am but XH and Easter

51 replies

2anddone · 31/03/2018 18:03

Hi I know ipabu but I maybe need you lovely people (who tell it like it is!!) to talk me down.
Me and dc (aged 12 and 9) have arrived home today from a couple days away. We are home until Monday then go away again until Wednesday.
The dc know that hotels, meals out and trips cost money so they are ‘only’ getting an Easter egg from me this year (usually also get £10).
XH and I separated 5 years ago we are amicable and he visits the dc at my house twice a week (dc refuse to go to his) he does not have them overnight or for trips away (dc refuse to go away with him).
We arrive home today to cards on the door mat and £30 in each card to the children from XH.
My dc now think it’s great that dad ‘pushed the boat out’ this Easter whereas I am biting my tongue as I really want to say ‘it takes minutes to put cash in the card he does NOTHING else’.
Financially he doesn’t give me maintenance but does pay the mortgage instead but I am never offered any other form of help with school uniforms, activities etc so he can easily afford the Easter money whereas to me £60 total is almost 2 weekly food shops!!
Please talk me down like I say I know iapbu!!

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 31/03/2018 18:28

How much is the mortgage per month?

Does he usually give money on Easter/bday/Xmas?

Did you dc actually say 'pushed the boat out'?

I think the fact they they don't go to his or go away with him says it all.

Original poster
2anddone · 31/03/2018 18:36

The mortgage is £100 more a month than the child maintenance would be.
He never gives money usually (a gift at Christmas and birthday around £100 and an egg at Easter).
Yes my eldest did say 'pushed the boat out' it comes from my parents who say it a lot so not an unknown phrase to them!
They completely refuse to go to his and when he has them for the day if I am out he comes to our house and usually the dc stay in their pjs all day so they don't have to go anywhere with him. I have tried multiple times to give him ideas of what he could do but he always lets them choose and they choose to stay at home.

OP posts:
SingleAgainThen · 31/03/2018 18:39

I don’t think you can complain about him not paying maintenance if he pays you £100 more than that a mo th?

MrsMaxwell · 31/03/2018 18:43

Ah I think you just have to grin and bear it, they are kids and TBF at least he did something.

gingerscot · 31/03/2018 18:43

Does he benefit from the mortgage though? Is his name still on it, so he's actually paying half for his own profit? In which case you're actually potentially being paid less....

Lacucuracha · 31/03/2018 18:44

Did he know they weren't getting Easter money from you, OP?

It sounds like the DC see you very much as the main parent. The fact that he won't even suggest or arrange fun things to do with them on his days and just gives them money is not going to get him their love or respect.

It's quite sad. Do you want them to go out with him? Could you tell him that he needs to do things with the kids and therefore you won't facilitate access at your home? Or will that rock the currently amicable boat?

MismatchedStripySocks · 31/03/2018 18:48

He does ‘nothing else’ but he is paying the mortgage Hmm Wow, I wish my ex would buy me a house. YABU and you know it.

Original poster
2anddone · 31/03/2018 18:48

It would totally rock the boat, I am really worried that by stopping visits at my house the dc just wouldn't see him at all. I grew up without seeing my dad from age 8 and don't want that for my dc so make things as easy as possible for them to see him yet still feel comfortable by being in their own home.
We are not divorced and the mortgage is still in joint names....let me make this completely clear in no way, shape or form am I complaining about the lack of child maintenance I and very grateful that he pays the £100 extra each month to cover the mortgage instead of child maintenance and I realise I am very lucky for him to do so!

OP posts:
freakydeakydo · 31/03/2018 18:50

How much is the mortgage payment? He gives you £100 more than this figure and you're complaining? Confused

Compared to some of the wallopers I read about on here, he sounds like a saint

TidyDancer · 31/03/2018 18:51

Do people generally do money and presents at Easter? We've only ever done eggs because it's not Christmas or birthday!

mummmy2017 · 31/03/2018 18:52

Your child do know he is an arse.
He won't be there next week with cash.let them enjoy it and just use it to do something nice.

Lacucuracha · 31/03/2018 18:55

Do the kids enjoy the time at home with him? Or are they just watching TV while he's on his phone? I can't imagine they'd gain much from that.

gingerscot makes a great point. He will presumably want half the house when DC are adults.

Have you done the calculations that he paying the morgage is fair recompense for no maintenance?

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 31/03/2018 18:56

I think your kids already know that he isn’t ‘World’s Best Dad’.

Just keep your chin up and let it fly over your head.

TheCrystalChandelier · 31/03/2018 18:56

If you weren’t in a more difficult financial position you would presumably spend more and would resent anyone for telling you that it was wrong if your ex couldn’t afford to do the same?

No good can come of this resentment. And tbh he shouldn’t feel obliged to spend less just because you can’t spend more, iyswim.

My dc don’t stay with their dad either. But he buys tickets for events they can go to together, or gives money for trips etc. I would far rather that than him showing no interest at all. What is to be achieved from that other than bitterness on your part?

Springiscoming123 · 31/03/2018 18:59

OFGS their dad gave them money and your complaining,he pays his way regarding his kids and your annoyed because its a large amount

come back when he dosent pay a penny,dosent get the kids things and dosent bother seeing them then you would be right to grumble

Original poster
2anddone · 31/03/2018 19:00

He will definitely expect a percentage from the sale of the house once dc are older and I wouldn't stop him he has after all paid the mortgage for what could potentially be 15 years after moving out!
He doesn't do anything with them they play on Xbox. He plays on his phone, I suggest to both them and him things to do but it never happens!
Thanks everyone I knew I was being unreasonable sometimes it takes a forum of strangers to tell me, everyone in rl would just agree with me!

OP posts:
RB68 · 31/03/2018 19:02

Let it go and get them to spend it on something useful so you don't have to -clothes etc to their taste.

Mightymucks · 31/03/2018 19:04

If your kids don’t want to go to his house or go away with him I wouldn’t blame him for feeling like whatever he got for presents would be wrong too.

Why don’t they want to go to his house? Is it untidy? Unless they have a good reason I would be putting my foot down and saying they were seeing him there.

awifeyforlifey · 31/03/2018 19:04

YABU, but I know it must feel awful having to do less for your DC this Easter. To have him swooping in to "save the day" for the kids has to be disheartening. But you sound like a truly good mother, looking out for their best interests. And it sounds to me like you've raised lovely children who are able to appreciate that.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 31/03/2018 19:08

I think you should get advice about the mortgage. He should be paying maintenance and you need to be independent. The way you are doing it may work out best but make sure the arrangement doesn't leave you stuffed in the future.

Othew

Shednik · 31/03/2018 19:10

Focus on the kids, not your ex. Don't make it a competition.

They've been on holiday, got Easter eggs and spending money and both parents have treated them at Easter.

It's a good position to be in.

Amanduh · 31/03/2018 19:14

The kids dont want to go to his house so he sees them where they want to be and are comfortable.
He offers trips but says they can choose and they choose home.
He gives £100 presents at bday and Easter.
He pays your mortgage.
And you’re angry because he gave them a few quid.
Ok then

Petalflowers · 31/03/2018 19:15

I sort of agree with Spring. He gave them a present, maybe more than he would usually give. Better that, then nothing at all.

Baubletrouble43 · 31/03/2018 19:16

He pays the mortgage for the house you live in and he gave his kids some money at easter? Wish I'd had your financial problems as a single parent.

Viviennemary · 31/03/2018 19:17

There is no harm in letting your DCs know that everything costs money and it doesn't grow on trees. I don't think you should be encouraging your children to stay in their pyjamas all day when he visits. You should put a stop to that immediately IMHO.

I don't know if the amount he pays in maintenance is fair or not because it depends on what he earns and what his expenses are and what money you have going in and out. It's not worth making a fuss about £30 in a card. It would have been surely worse if he'd done nothing and not even acknowledged Easter.

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