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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I probably am but XH and Easter

51 replies

2anddone · 31/03/2018 18:03

Hi I know ipabu but I maybe need you lovely people (who tell it like it is!!) to talk me down.
Me and dc (aged 12 and 9) have arrived home today from a couple days away. We are home until Monday then go away again until Wednesday.
The dc know that hotels, meals out and trips cost money so they are ‘only’ getting an Easter egg from me this year (usually also get £10).
XH and I separated 5 years ago we are amicable and he visits the dc at my house twice a week (dc refuse to go to his) he does not have them overnight or for trips away (dc refuse to go away with him).
We arrive home today to cards on the door mat and £30 in each card to the children from XH.
My dc now think it’s great that dad ‘pushed the boat out’ this Easter whereas I am biting my tongue as I really want to say ‘it takes minutes to put cash in the card he does NOTHING else’.
Financially he doesn’t give me maintenance but does pay the mortgage instead but I am never offered any other form of help with school uniforms, activities etc so he can easily afford the Easter money whereas to me £60 total is almost 2 weekly food shops!!
Please talk me down like I say I know iapbu!!

OP posts:
Uniglo18 · 31/03/2018 19:19

The money can be the kids spending money when you go away. Takes the financial strain off you, I fail to see the problem.

AuntieStella · 31/03/2018 19:25

I think I get it, OP.

It seems as though he's getting more approbation than you because he has more disposable cash. It is the plaint of everyine who is parenting with a Disney ex,

In this case, you need to hide your gritted teeth and be postitve: "Wow, that's generous! lucky you! It's a shame he missed seeing you, so you're better ring to say thank you. Do you want to do it now, or on Easter Day itself?'

bettytaghetti · 31/03/2018 19:25

Sounds to me like your eldest was possibly being sarcastic about ExH's effort? At that age they are more than capable of recognising who does everything for them and who they can rely on to be there for them. I wouldn't get too het up about it if I were you.

TheFifthKey · 31/03/2018 19:28

If he’s paying the mortgage and will expect to share the value of the house later, actually it doesn’t come to maintenance+£100, as he’s going to get half of it back anyway! (In simplistic terms, he could actually end up getting it all back if the value of the house went up).

Bluelady · 31/03/2018 19:32

He's still paying it and not having to worry about the biggest household expense is a great position to be in - especially as interest rates rise. Worry about what happens in 15 years time in 2033!

DrMadelineMaxwell · 31/03/2018 19:33

Will he also be able to claim a greater percentage of the value of the house because he's paying the mortgage on it?

I'd be happier drawing a line under what he puts into the house value, getting maintenance instead and using that to pay your own mortgage payments.

Bluelady · 31/03/2018 19:36

He'd still get half the house as it's in joint names. This is all a red herring anyway.

BustopherJones · 31/03/2018 19:38

Presumably you’re not really annoyed he gave them £30, you’re annoyed about the lack of effort he puts in the rest of the time. The fact that they don’t want to go to his means he hasn’t been putting in the necessary effort as a father. This is a different kind of issue to avoiding maintenance and can happen with parents who live with their dc too. It’s crap either way.

Besides, is he going to get half of the house when you sell? Will you have to sell when kids leave? Do you pay for all upkeep?

It must hurt when your dds get excited about an easy gift from him, when you do everything, including facilitating their relationship. But they’re kids, and that’s all they get from their dad and they’re probably too young to have come to terms with that so still wish for a proper relationship. I’m sure I did this at your dds age. But I think my dm is brilliant, and it must have been really hard for her. Kids work it out in the end.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 31/03/2018 19:39

So he pays more than he has to. Great, you are indeed one of the luckier ones. He also wants to give his children money for Easter, why shouldn’t he? You need to get a grip OP. Like you said, it’s your DC choice not to go to his, it’s not like he’s stopping them. You could encourage them to go if you want him to pull his weight more.

ferrier · 31/03/2018 19:40

If he wants half the value of the house then he needs to pay you more. Currently half the money he 'pays you' is actually remaining as his money.

Allthebestnamesareused · 31/03/2018 19:43

If you can get a mortgage it would be better if you pay the mortgage and he pays maintenance because then at least the house would be yours. You would be able to get an order that allows a percentage of current value to be paid when you sell eg when the kids are 18.

Lacucuracha · 31/03/2018 19:46

Wow, I wish my ex would buy me a house. YABU and you know it.

@MismatchedSocks

It's not a race to the bottom

OP, what happens about food? I hope you're feeding him?

bimbobaggins · 31/03/2018 19:49

You said yourself you know yabu so at least you recognise it.
It’s understandable. My ex dp was the same. When he had ds it was fun outings, meals out , shopping while I had all the drudgery , school run every day etc.
Don’t get bitter about it .

PlagiarismAndTheCuckoo · 31/03/2018 19:51

Yes, he does 'nothing else' and you feel you are the one putting in all the effort.

You're certainly putting in more effort than him, and it's annoying for you that he gets kudos for just putting money in an envelope.

BUT from his point of view... he's probably wondering what more he CAN do than just put money in an envelope. He doesn't have the kids at his house, but that's because they won't go. He doesn't take them on outings, but that's because they refuse to do that, too. I would imagine that's pretty sad for him, but he keeps on trying to spend time with them in whatever way they'll accept.

What is the guy supposed to do? Force them to go on outings against their will?

Sounds like he is trying to do something nice for his kids and this is his only option.

Ginkypig · 31/03/2018 19:52

Have you got a financial contract set up?

What I am asking is in 15 years time have you got anything to stop him saying I paid for the house so I'm taking 80% or whatever it equates to?

have you got proper legal documents to prove that that you both came to an agreement that he is paying the mortgage instead of child maintenance but that on the point of sale you get x% and he get y%?

Have you protected yourself?

Passthefuckingprosecco · 31/03/2018 19:53

Yep, he's getting a good return on a chunk of the child maintenance he is paying.

Paying £100 above CM isn't necessarily generous.

If he took a back seat career wise whilst they were married and took on the bulk of childcare responsibility - and as a result now earns considerably less than op then he is perhaps being generous. I'm guessing not.

OP you should see a solicitor and check out whether your financial set up is sensible.

Lacucuracha · 31/03/2018 19:57

OP, what happens about food? I hope you're feeding him?

Sorry, that should have said not feeding him.

StealthNinjaMum · 01/04/2018 11:38

I think you'd be better off taking the maintenance and a greater share of the house. I agree with others that you need to see a solicitor to think about your long-term future. What happens when your youngest is 18 and your ex decides to sell the house, take his money and chuck you out?

Petitepamplemousse · 01/04/2018 11:43

It’s not a competition. Smile and say ‘oh that’s nice isn’t it?’ to the DC and rise above it.

AhoyDelBoy · 01/04/2018 12:07

Genuine question, do children of this age 'get a say' in whether or not they stay with or visit the 'other parent' as in the one they don't live with full time (new to MN so not sure of acronym). Genuinely interested in this as obviously there are no reasons Dad in this case can't have contact (abuse etc etc) with the DC. Can children simply say 'We don't want too' and this is enough or am I missing something?

Hissy · 01/04/2018 12:08

They already have ebook an egg/chocolate from you, any more would be far too much anyway

Money is a far better idea tbh, I think you’re letting your own feelings about him and the split cloud it all

So if they do nothing at his, that’s up to him, they do need some down time anyway, but they will remember that you did things with them

You’re luckier than a lot of others, at least he pays the mortgage and that’s one thing you don’t need to worry about. If he’s hands off too, all the better as he’s not going to be interfering or undermining you.

So “nice one daddy, that’s spending money for the trip away!” And just have fun with your kids.

Hissy · 01/04/2018 12:09

Not sure where the ebook came in...

Hissy · 01/04/2018 12:10

Absolutely get legal advise over the potential house proceeds split, he won’t be automatically entitled to 50/50

Butterymuffin · 01/04/2018 12:14

Yes, point out that that'll be spending money for the trip you're taking them on.

If he wants half the value of the house then he needs to pay you more. Currently half the money he 'pays you' is actually remaining as his money

This is a very good point.

LannieDuck · 01/04/2018 12:22

he has after all paid the mortgage for what could potentially be 15 years after moving out!

Be careful with this way of thinking, OP. He's not paying the whole mortgage, you're paying half of it. He should be paying £x CMS per month. Normally, that money would come to you, and you could then put it into the mortgage.

He actually pays £x + £100 straight into the mortgage. That means £x is YOUR contribution, and he adds £100 a month.

It's great that you're managing to continue paying the mortgage between you, but when you sell the house you need to be clear that the £x per month was YOUR contribution, not his.

If you have a good enough relationship with him, I would you ask you to transfer the £x/month to you explicitly as 'child maintenance', and then you put it into the mortgage. You can both set it up as standing orders so no extra work. And there'd be no arguments about it in the future.