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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being alone today?

55 replies

userwithabillionnumbers · 31/03/2018 18:01

Hi all, can you tell me if AIBU or dramatic or whatever?

The backstory:
My FIL died in January after a long illness. My MIL doesn't like being alone and asks for DH all the time. He is there at least one day a week, wedon't live in the same city so he's there for most of the day. I have been talking to him to start cutting it downbecause he gets frustrated because he never has any time for himself. He works from home so a lot of time goes into that. Last weekend we had to spend the weekend at my brothers because of a birthday and a church thingy (hadn't seen them since xmas). DH was bitching about it three days beforehand. We haven't spent any time together this year. DH does have a sister but she doesn't do as much for her mum.

AIBU:
It's the 9th anniversary of DM's death today and I'm spending it alone because MIL wanted a lift to a childs birthday (not GC) and dinner together. I didn't want to go because I'm too sad and tend to cry on this day. We weren't invited anyway till MIL made them invite us so she had a free ride. I tried asking my husband a couple of times to spend the evening with me but he got all huffy that everybody is sad and that everyone wants his time. Which is true but it's not a special day for MIL so I thought that he could leave her. AIBU? Or overly dramatic (it has been nine years but I still miss my sweet mum)? Or is it just one of those things and I should give my DH a rest ( which he needs).

I just really want to be alone much longer.

OP posts:
Chrys2017 · 31/03/2018 18:13

Sorry you're feeling sad! I would try to think of it this way: you are missing your dear mum and honouring her memory by allowing your DH to spend this time with his own mum.

gamerchick · 31/03/2018 18:23

you want him to stay with you to watch you cry and this is a yearly thing?

It does sound as if he’s burnt out trying to please all the woman in his life. When does he get time to himself? Does he ever get a chance to feel sad or happy even?

Is there someone you can call to come and keep you company?

bimbobaggins · 31/03/2018 18:26

One day a week to spend with his grieving mother doesn’t sound a lot to me.
If he is otherwise a good dh give him a rest.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 31/03/2018 18:29

It’s early days. Give the poor man a break. He will be grieving too. Can you invite MIL to yours to at least cut back on the travel?

MotherofDinosaurs · 31/03/2018 18:30

What Chrys2017 said.

Also, I always think it's really sad to remember people's death date. I couldn't tell you a actual date of death for any of my loved ones. I sort of feel it's more positive to remember them fondly on their birthday. I appreciate not everyone might feel like that but it can be a more positive and healthy way of grieving.

Lacucuracha · 31/03/2018 18:36

Do you think you begrudge him spending time with his mum because yours has passed away? (Sorry to be blunt but that does happen sometimes).

On the face of it, spending one day a week with his widowed mum is fine. My mum is widowed and I see her every weekend and also bring her shopping once or twice a week, pay her bills, do her paperwork, take her to GP/hospital appointments, take her on holidays and weekends away, take her shopping. I wouldn't like it my DH said I couldn't do these things for her.

Do you have kids? Could you encourage him to see his mum during the week sometimes so that leaves the weekend free for you two?

Springiscoming123 · 31/03/2018 18:50

i feel sorry for him pulled in all directions and trying to keep everyone happy

his mum has only recently lost her partner and must be feeling low,its nice to hear her son wants to help her rather than not bothering,her grief is very recent and it sounds like you begrudge her that

sorry but YABU

SilverySurfer · 31/03/2018 19:09

YABU, your MiL is still coming to terms with the very recent death of her DH as is your DH yet you expect him to stay with you because it's the ninth anniversary of your DM's death? I agree with gamerchick

Mightymucks · 31/03/2018 19:17

His father died just over two months ago. I think at the moment you need to accept that his wants and needs have to come first right now. He’s very newly bereaved. It’s far too soon for you to be laying down the law about ‘cutting back’ or complaining he’s not spending enough time with you.

You’re being incredibly selfish expecting empathy for a death 9 years ago when you appear to have zero empathy for the very newly bereaved.

bimbobaggins · 31/03/2018 19:19

Exactly what mighty has said. With Bells on

InsomniacAnonymous · 31/03/2018 19:23

I strongly agree with gamerchick and Mightymucks too - especially
"You’re being incredibly selfish expecting empathy for a death 9 years ago when you appear to have zero empathy for the very newly bereaved."
It's quite shocking tbh.

Thistlebelle · 31/03/2018 19:28

I’m very sorry that you lost your Mum.

But... it was 9 years ago. Has it even been 9 weeks since your DH’s Dad died?

If it was in reverse and your DH wanted you to leave your newly bereaved Mum to stay at home with him remembering his parent who died nearly a decade ago - how would you feel?

Their bereavement is brand new. You need to give it time.

Have a word with your SIL and Work out a more even rota.

lattewith3shotsplease · 31/03/2018 19:41

OP,
YABU without a doubt.

What gives you the right to try and dictate to your DH how much time he's spending with his DM.....the poor Man is trying to grieve and support his DM, and you are more concerned with your feelings.

Listen to your DH, he needs his own alone time.....he's telling you this but you're not listening.

LeighaJ · 31/03/2018 19:48

It's probably easy for people who haven't lost their mother to say the OP is being unreasonable. Probably the same types that feebly offer "Time heals all wounds." to the grief stricken, as if there's an end date stamped on it.

Time doesn't heal all wounds. That's just a stupid thing said by silly people.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 31/03/2018 19:50

Let him grieve and help his mum OP. I'm sure you don't mean to come across as self absorbed but you are doing sadly.

bimbobaggins · 31/03/2018 19:52

I don’t think anyone has said that leigha.
The op knows herself what it’s like to loose a parent so should be more sympathetic towards her grieving husband.

Thistlebelle · 31/03/2018 19:52

Time doesn't heal all wounds

Maybe not Leigh but her DH is grieving too.

Mightymucks · 31/03/2018 19:53

Have a word with your SIL and Work out a more even rota.

That’s an awful idea. SIL is newly bereaved and the last thing she needs is her SIL bossing her about. We have no idea what her relationship is with her mother anyway. If the DH wants to do this it’s fine. But OP would be way overstepping the mark.

LeighaJ. If you can’t see that someone who was bereaved a few weeks ago is going to be feeling worse than someone who was bereaved a few decades ago I suggest you might want to stop suggesting that other people’s attempts at empathy are feeble. Because they’re waaaaay better than your attempts believe me.

lonelymelissa · 31/03/2018 19:57

I wonder too if it is difficult to see your husband spend so much time with his mum, when you sadly can't spend time with yours.

My own mum died a couple of months ago, and I admit I find it difficult to see my husband spending time with his mum which is suddenly much more frequently. I know I am being unreasonable so I have not said anything to him, but I find it sooooo hard. I certainly don't want to entertain her tomorrow., I'd rather just stay in bed wising I could buy my mum an Easter Egg,. I won't of course. Could you perhaps be feeling the same way as me?

Thistlebelle · 31/03/2018 19:57

Mighty at no point did I suggest “bossing her around”. Hmm

It’s not unusual for adult siblings to get together to work out how best to support their surviving parent.

recklessgran · 31/03/2018 20:08

Sorry OP but I really think that you should have gone with DH and been supportive towards him and his DM. I think it's at times like this that you have to be unselfish and put other's feelings before your own.
I'm sorry you have lost your own DM but it was 9 years ago and like others here, I think that your poor DH must be hurting badly and needs you to step up.

Original poster
userwithabillionnumbers · 31/03/2018 20:16

I'd like to add that my DH is certainly not grieving. He didn't even like his dad. I had a better relationship with FIL than he did. I thought that he might be a bit sad when he died because it is your dad and everything but no.

And I didn't nag him. Just asked if he could spend part of the evening (after dinner) with me. Reading these responses you are making me some kind of uber bitch. I asked the question because I was wondering if I should talk about it with him. Well I won't, so thank you for your answers in that respect.

And I don't begrudge him his time with his mum, just as he doesn't that I still have a dad. It goes both ways.

I agree that he might be burnt out. To me that is a reason to cut back on the visits. I'm not forcing him to, just suggested it and he said he wants to cut back to but finds it difficult to say No.

I do see MIL as well, sometimes during the week and I bring her healthy home cooked freezer meals. Plus that three friends come during the week, her sister and three brother in laws. But if no one is coming she calls us. I do think that she needs to learn to spend an occasional day alone though, any ideas when this might be appropriate since you feel that now is too soon?

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 31/03/2018 20:21

It only been what 9 weeks since fil died. Really one day a wk isn't much

Lacucuracha · 31/03/2018 20:24

But you said he spends one day a week with her.

Now you are saying you just want her to spend the occasional day alone?

One day a week is not unreasonable even when she's past grieving. Although it would be better for him to try and see her on a day that you are working.

Having lost my dad, I want to spend quality time with my mum. He may feel the same.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 31/03/2018 20:31

I’m going to go against the grain here and say YANBU. It’s 19 years on Monday since DF died and I would be upset if DH didn’t spend at least part of the time with me (he died on Good Friday so Easter is a shit time for me).

Despite what some people on MN think, it’s ok to still miss and be sad about a parent years later.