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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being alone today?

55 replies

userwithabillionnumbers · 31/03/2018 18:01

Hi all, can you tell me if AIBU or dramatic or whatever?

The backstory:
My FIL died in January after a long illness. My MIL doesn't like being alone and asks for DH all the time. He is there at least one day a week, wedon't live in the same city so he's there for most of the day. I have been talking to him to start cutting it downbecause he gets frustrated because he never has any time for himself. He works from home so a lot of time goes into that. Last weekend we had to spend the weekend at my brothers because of a birthday and a church thingy (hadn't seen them since xmas). DH was bitching about it three days beforehand. We haven't spent any time together this year. DH does have a sister but she doesn't do as much for her mum.

AIBU:
It's the 9th anniversary of DM's death today and I'm spending it alone because MIL wanted a lift to a childs birthday (not GC) and dinner together. I didn't want to go because I'm too sad and tend to cry on this day. We weren't invited anyway till MIL made them invite us so she had a free ride. I tried asking my husband a couple of times to spend the evening with me but he got all huffy that everybody is sad and that everyone wants his time. Which is true but it's not a special day for MIL so I thought that he could leave her. AIBU? Or overly dramatic (it has been nine years but I still miss my sweet mum)? Or is it just one of those things and I should give my DH a rest ( which he needs).

I just really want to be alone much longer.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 31/03/2018 20:36

Not to the extent that you hamper your husband's efforts to comfort his own recently widowed mother, PinkSparkly

seventh · 31/03/2018 20:38

You mention church, @userwithabillionnumbers

Can you and DH organise help with MIL from a church local to her? Get her involved with social events, helping with teas/coffees/flowers/cakes?

seventh · 31/03/2018 20:40

Despite what some people on MN think, it’s ok to still miss and be sad about a parent years later.

It is @PinkSparklyPussyCat

But surely it's not ok to drag everyone around you down too, every year? Is that what your deceased loved one would want you to do?

Lethaldrizzle · 31/03/2018 20:43

I'm not sure it's that healthy to still be grieving that much 9 years later. I am speaking as someone who has lost a parent. Life goes on

Original poster
userwithabillionnumbers · 31/03/2018 20:58

I said that he spends AT LEAST one day a week with her, it can be two or three.

I just wish that he could say no once in a while. He wants to as well.

Is it really so bad that I wish that he would skip the visit once a month or so?

OP posts:
Original poster
userwithabillionnumbers · 31/03/2018 21:04

Seventh.

Thank you for the suggestion but my brother is the religious one. MIL is not religious. Anyway, she won't go anywhere without us. She only goes outside to the supermarket, that's it. We have to be there for everything else.

I still miss my mum but it is only on her birthday or anniversary of her death (which is within days of each other) that I have a hard time. The rest of the year not so much. I don't think that I need therapy for just that. I just wanted a cuddle from my DH.

OP posts:
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 31/03/2018 21:09

I hate this ‘life goes on’ crap. Of course it does, but I’m not ashamed to say I still cry for my Dad on Good Friday and 2nd April every year even though it has been 19 years.

There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

TooManyPaws · 31/03/2018 21:10

I lost my mother fourteen years ago; I can't help but remember the date as she died at Yule. However, although I still miss her dreadfully and think of her every day, I don't see the anniversary of her death as a time to sit and cry. I will arrange flowers, spend some time thinking of her and then get on with my life and celebrate Yule. I certainly wouldn't expect that to take precedence over supporting a newly bereaved parent while grieving.

Original poster
userwithabillionnumbers · 31/03/2018 21:12

Does anyone have any suggestion when it would be humane to cut down on the visits? When would you think that we have to let MIL be alone for a whole day? Apparantly everyone here feels that it's fine to leave me alone after nine years but for MIL it's too recent, so what would be a good starting point? I really don't know, for me it would be now but you are all telling me that it apparantly is too soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
userwithabillionnumbers · 31/03/2018 21:19

I'd like to add that I don't spend the whole dat sitting and crying. I cleaned the house, did the washing, did the grocery shopping, spoke on the phone to two friends. I just didn't want to spend the whole entire day alone. Just two hours with my DH in the evening. Just to not feel alone.

OP posts:
EatTheChocolateTeapot · 31/03/2018 21:19

I don't think it is too soon but would personally hate the constant attention. Perhaps your husband could set a day every week to visit his mother instead of coming over every time she calls him? That way he can organise his week ahead more easily. It is up to him to find the right frequency however.

JennyHolzersGhost · 31/03/2018 21:24

Give it a year and then see. It’s been just weeks.
And actually people often find r harder to cope with the death of people in their family who they had a bad relationship with. Because now it will never be reconciled.

JennyHolzersGhost · 31/03/2018 21:25

Do you have friends ? Family? Your husband shouldn’t be your only support.

Original poster
userwithabillionnumbers · 31/03/2018 21:32

I have some lovely friends, however I moved cities to be with DH and I feel it is too much to ask them to drive 2,5 hours to not be alone. They would if I asked though, I'm blessed.

We mentioned a fixed day every week (friday) (I sometimes see her on thursday as well), but when we tried it she also had a financial question on saturday, and something needed fixing and then she called us on sunday that she was alone so we had to come. Her IL mostly come in the weekends but not always.

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 31/03/2018 21:34

Your mil is probably finding it very hard to be alone - some people are like that. And it really is no time at all since your fil died, and your h must feel obligated to support her, even tho he might resent spending so much time there. I think you need to be patient and suck it up for now. No one is saying you shouldn’t be grieving for your mum, but it’s not a competition to see who can grieve most / longest. There’s no statute of limitations on grief but I think you need to recognise that we all deal with our feelings differently.

Original poster
userwithabillionnumbers · 31/03/2018 21:36

Jenny
That's what I thought that would happen. That he would be sad that there were no more chances for their relationship to get better but no, he was relieved. I was more sad than DH, but then FIL had always been very nice to me. To DH not so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
userwithabillionnumbers · 31/03/2018 21:37

Giraffey

I know. I will suck it up for now.

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 31/03/2018 21:39

When your DH thinks it is the right time. Two months is far, far too soon. If he feels she needs someone with her at the moment to be making an issue out of it.

Give it a couple of months and bear in mind that it might be something that needs to be done gradually rather than immediately cut off. If she is struggling being alone you could also visit yourself sometimes to relieve the pressure on him.

bimbobaggins · 31/03/2018 21:40

Your updates aren’t doing you any favours. It’s not up to you to tell your dh when to cut back on the visits. You’re not coming across as very nice

Pippa12 · 31/03/2018 21:49

Unfortunately for you i think your in this situation for the forseeable future. It sounds as of your parents in law were married for a very long time... its going to take a lot longer than 8wks for things to get back to "normal"... if im totally honest... the grief hasnt even kicked in properly yet.

However, i do think your husband could've freed up the morning, afternoon or evening up for you today. Your feelings are also important and i would've felt sad if my dh didnt aknowledge my greif. Nothing wrong with feeling sad for your mum today. Flowers

Original poster
userwithabillionnumbers · 31/03/2018 21:55

Bimbo

But my DH wants to have more time for himself as well???? I'm not telling him to do anything, I suggested it and it is up to him what he does with that suggestion. I'm not controlling.

I might come across as not nice, that explains some of the harsh messages. I do see MIL as well, it was my suggestion to take her on holiday, I cook freezer meals for her so she eats healthy (otherwise she wouldn't eat any veg or fruit and I don't want her to get sick), I call her every other day, I occasionally take her out to see or do something of her choice, I take her out to lunch or dinner at least once a month, I take her shopping. I do accompany my DH most days when he visits her (if I'm not working) Like I mentioned up thread, I do like her. And she does think that I'm nice so I must be doing something right.

OP posts:
Original poster
userwithabillionnumbers · 31/03/2018 21:58

I'd like to thank everyone who "gets it" that I miss my mum today. That kind of helped. So thanks.

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 31/03/2018 22:10

Just because people don’t agree with you doesn’t mean they don’t get it.
Does your dh want to cut back or is he only saying that because you suggested it. I wouldn’t have forced him to spend the weekend before at your brothers when he was bitching about it for 3 days.he could have had some time to himself then.

It’s a difficult time in the early stages of grief . You say he didn’t even like his dad but that won’t make it any less of a loss.

LexieLulu · 31/03/2018 22:10

Hey OP, my DM died 4 years ago, and I have sad days on her birthday, mother's days and the anniversary of her death.

I don't weep and be sad the rest of the year, but these days are tender, I like my DH to just be around to help me a little.

I understand why your DH is prioritising his DM, but I do think he should have been with you today. 9 weeks isn't long but it also is, to have no had to be in her own company for 24hours. She needs to do this as she needs to realise the change.

I don't know how you can mention it to DH, but if you don't mention it, will he just continue forever?

Original poster
userwithabillionnumbers · 31/03/2018 22:13

Bimbo that would have meant a massive fall out with my family so that wasn't really an option.

OP posts: