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Original poster

re dd 15 and sleepover / party at home

60 replies

HipsterAssassin · 30/03/2018 21:53

So I co-parent and dd1 has been at her Dad&step-mum for the past week. It’s dd’s 15th birthday on Tuesday. Til now she was unsure what she wanted to do but today she came home and asked if she can have ‘15 friends over for the evening’ and 4 friends for sleepover.

For context. dd1 is pushing every boundary. Last year her b’day sleepover was cancelled because a few weeks before she had a party in my house overnight with boys (although I didn’t find out about the boys til some time after) no adult in the house... while me and DP had gone away for the weekend. She told her dad she was sleeping at a friend’s.

More recently I discovered an empty condom packet in her dressing gown (she has a boyfriend - same year at school). She claimed to have been messing about with and and that she did not need to go to a young person’s sexual health clinic. Am skeptical about that and will keep talking to her and try and persuade her to go to the sexual health clinic.

Then the night before she went to her dads last week I had a look through her phone (because she is 14 and I think that’s not a breech of privacy at this age). Unfortunately there were pics/videos of her smoking weed.

Her friends are all very tall and loud. My concern is things will get out of hand, despite my best intentions there is only one of me and if the kids bring weed/alcohol etc things will be bad. dd is not sensible.

I also hate the sleepover thing because I know from experience whatever I say I’ll get 2hrs sleep max - I live in a small 3 bed house and the sound carries. They will be screeching til 4am.

Have not yet had the convo with dd re weed (since being back she has gone straight out to a good friend’s sleepover - it’s her b’day this week too).

Have tried to build bridges in our relationship and keep things open, but I find it so hard to know how to walk the line between total cow-face militant witch and an in touch, facilitating parent. We are in the eye of the teenage storm and I feel lost but it’s still her birthday.

She isn’t totally off the rails, she is also a nice kid. Just wrapped up in her life right now and pushing all boundaries.

I value my sleep and my sanity and my home. dd is in this phase of taking risks and not listening to me in her private life. When I looked at those pics of her smoking weed I just thought ‘I don’t know who you are’.

Am I a total cow to say no, here’s £150 go out for pizza instead?

WWYD?

(Also posted in teens, sorry, but posting here for traffic)

OP posts:
Yarboosucks · 30/03/2018 22:00

£150 for weed you mean!

Original poster
HipsterAssassin · 30/03/2018 22:03

Well no that was sort of flippant on my part, I would pay the bill at the restaurant not give her a wad of cash. Am not that crap a parent (or maybe I am).

OP posts:
therockinggazelle · 30/03/2018 22:06

No your dead right. Let them go for pizza instead

Quietlife1979 · 30/03/2018 22:07

Regardless how you feel - you still are in control you know.

It sounds like you need to speak to her dad about expectations. Sometimes it’s realkybgard not to fall in to ‘friend’ mode or ‘cool mum’ but sometimes you have to stick your neck out.

I would give her any cash. She can’t be trusted. If she ended up in hospital having her stomach pumped or on a massive whitey - you gave her the money for it.

Family meal and present.

She will hate you but she will hate you over all kinds of shit.

My eldest is 22. She was a witch at 16-17, my closest ally now and I wasn’t soft with her

Fruitcorner123 · 30/03/2018 22:10

Not trying to be judgmental but i wouldnt have let her go to a sleepover tonight after finding the weed picture.

Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 22:10

No way. Do birthdays always fall on your weeks?

Could her dad have the party?

Peppapogstillonaloop · 30/03/2018 22:10

What are you going to do about the weed? Will there be consequences or just a lecture? I think you’ll be sending mixed messages if you punish her and also treat her. She doesn’t have to have £150 spent on her bday if she has not been behaving. What does her dad say about the weed? How did you not say something right then when looking at her phone?!

user1474652148 · 30/03/2018 22:14

If this was my teen, and I am no expert, but I have teen dd:

Organise a shooping trip just you two and over coffee/milkshakes ask her about her boyfriend/ friendships/ life. Listen and remain neutral. She is so young to embarking on a sexual relationship, and now more than ever she needs your protection and care. It is illegal for anyone to be sleeping with her.

Suggest a visit to the dr.

Show her what weed can do, educate her. Does she want to end up a zombie?

Yes to the sleepover but with two friends and silence at 11pm.

You are not helpless. Draw up new boundaries. Do not give up or lose her to skunk, she WILL come out the other side

GreenTulips · 30/03/2018 22:15

DD had her party cancelled for less than this

Please realize that most parents of teens are fairly strict and wouldn't be happy with condoms and weed, let alone house parties

They are just jostling for attention of 'I'm allowed - watch m I'm cool'

As a parent you need to reign them in so they don't go so out of control.

Tell her she can have 3 mates for pizza and a movie. No alcohol not screeching. You want her friends parent sphine numbers and light out at midnight - this is the half way house - she can party at 18 when it's legal to do so.

Good luck

user1474652148 · 30/03/2018 22:15

Sorry for typos

Puffycat · 30/03/2018 22:20

Wow HipsterAssasin!
So sorry you’ve got this to deal with.
My youngest dd is 15 and as far as I’m aware (and I’m pretty aware) there’s no weed, condoms or alcohol I need to be worried about.
You are still in control and it’s your shout.
My dd had 8 friends over for a games night, it was noisy and slightly irritating but must confess I felt relieved that’s all it was.
It sounds like a party at your house will involve fags, weed, booze and boys...........
Nah.....don’t need it.
That said do you think you need to tackle the root of all this?
Mutual respect?

Puffycat · 30/03/2018 22:23

All that said, if I saw pictures of dd smoking weed
I’d come down sooooo hard on her arse she’d wish she wasn’t born!!!

Original poster
HipsterAssassin · 30/03/2018 22:25

I know she will come out the other side. We have had conversations about sex. Good,
open conversations. I told her I don’t expect or want her to have sex at this age. That it is physically and emotionally too young/exposing herself to STI, pregnancy, higher rates of cervical cancer. The difficulty is she knows what I want to hear.so She trots out a nice ‘we haven’t had sex mum, I don’t need to go... perhaps when we have been together a year yada yada...’ it all comes out of her mouth so easily. I ignore this and keep mentioning the clinic. She keeps saying no.

The weed pics I saw late at night on a Thursday night. I needed to gather my thoughts.

I don’t actually believe I can stop her smoking weed. I was horrified. She’s only in Y10. But I smoked weed from age 18, my mother freaked and got so angry and this resulted in me spending as little time at home as possible. Nothing she said would have stopped me. My plan was to tell her I a monitoring her very closely and talk to her about the risks and what is happening to her brain and her development. She will not listen though. I haven’t yet told her dad. I was going to see how our conversation went.

Last year after the unsupervised gathering I took away her iPhone. It was pointless. So hard to know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
HipsterAssassin · 30/03/2018 22:30

She’s basically like I was aged 18 (ie I don’t care what you say I’m doing it all my way)

Except she so young and very much my responsibility.

She gets all her self esteem from her social life because her academic self esteem is zero (she is dyslexic and has always found school tough although she has some great strengths). And before anyone chimes in with ‘can’t school help’ I’ve been banging that drum since reception and the answer is a resounding Nope - she does attend extra tuition weekly. It’s not all bad...

OP posts:
Octave777 · 30/03/2018 22:31

She's definitely taking the mick asking for 15 over. I'd say go out for pizza definitely. If she really wants a sleepover no more than 3 others.

Regarding the weed it's bad and should not be dismissed but I wouldn't want to think she has no privacy on her phone. Bit silly to record it. I'd also have words how pics and videos are there for life like nude pics ect.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/03/2018 22:33

Why was it pointless to take away her iPhone?

I would be grounding her for quite a while with the drug use and the condom thing. She's 14 still and that is very young to be doing these things

I wouldn't be having a sleepover at all or letting her go to any for quite a while. I would expect to see a total transformation before she was allowed out overnight. You will obviously need to get her dad on board with this idea too.

Original poster
HipsterAssassin · 30/03/2018 22:33

Oh crikey we have had the nude pics chat ad Infinitum. She comes back to me with all the spiel about ‘being done for distribution of child pornography and being on the sex offenders register and not being able to work with children’ - and then carries on!

OP posts:
Octave777 · 30/03/2018 22:33

Just read your other post. If you tell her you don't want her to or expect her to have sex then of course she will be inclined to say she's not.

GreenTulips · 30/03/2018 22:34

School usually have a drug awareness course - have you asked?

Sometimes they send the police dogs in and put the frightened on them

Your call really (shame there's no half way house)

Octave777 · 30/03/2018 22:34

Sorry thought she was 15 not fourteen so ignore me

Original poster
HipsterAssassin · 30/03/2018 22:35

‘Why was it pointless taking away her phone’

Because friends have her their phones which she hid away! Utterly pointless exercise and made things worse. I know it sounds illogical but until you’ve been there... it really doesn’t work.

OP posts:
Original poster
HipsterAssassin · 30/03/2018 22:35

gave her their old smart phones

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 30/03/2018 22:36

Octave777

I may be misunderstanding you but are you saying the OP was wrong for looking at her daughter's phone? The daughter has at track record for lying and is possibly having underage sex which the OP is worried about. While I agree with the privacy of phones for a teenager I also believe they lose this privilege when they do things which are potentially harmful to themselves. It's our duty as parents to do everything to prevent these things and in this case I think the OP should be checking her phone and keeping tabs on her.

Original poster
HipsterAssassin · 30/03/2018 22:36

Octave what I said was ‘I don’t want/expect you to have sex at this age but it is your body and your choice’

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 30/03/2018 22:37

If she's having sex, which you can't know, it's sensible to have condoms, and some more reliable contraception. Don't be making her think those are forbidden. You are right, she's too young, you don't have to facilitate it but you can't stop them.
Sounds like some more discussion with her dad and step mum would be good if you can. She may say she hates it but it will make her feel safer if you are all on same page. Otherwise there is divide and rule