re dd 15 and sleepover / party at home

[HipsterAssassin]

So I co-parent and dd1 has been at her Dad&step-mum for the past week. It’s dd’s 15th birthday on Tuesday. Til now she was unsure what she wanted to do but today she came home and asked if she can have ‘15 friends over for the evening’ and 4 friends for sleepover.

For context. dd1 is pushing every boundary. Last year her b’day sleepover was cancelled because a few weeks before she had a party in my house overnight with boys (although I didn’t find out about the boys til some time after) no adult in the house... while me and DP had gone away for the weekend. She told her dad she was sleeping at a friend’s.

More recently I discovered an empty condom packet in her dressing gown (she has a boyfriend - same year at school). She claimed to have been messing about with and and that she did not need to go to a young person’s sexual health clinic. Am skeptical about that and will keep talking to her and try and persuade her to go to the sexual health clinic.

Then the night before she went to her dads last week I had a look through her phone (because she is 14 and I think that’s not a breech of privacy at this age). Unfortunately there were pics/videos of her smoking weed.

Her friends are all very tall and loud. My concern is things will get out of hand, despite my best intentions there is only one of me and if the kids bring weed/alcohol etc things will be bad. dd is not sensible.

I also hate the sleepover thing because I know from experience whatever I say I’ll get 2hrs sleep max - I live in a small 3 bed house and the sound carries. They will be screeching til 4am.

Have not yet had the convo with dd re weed (since being back she has gone straight out to a good friend’s sleepover - it’s her b’day this week too).

Have tried to build bridges in our relationship and keep things open, but I find it so hard to know how to walk the line between total cow-face militant witch and an in touch, facilitating parent. We are in the eye of the teenage storm and I feel lost but it’s still her birthday.

She isn’t totally off the rails, she is also a nice kid. Just wrapped up in her life right now and pushing all boundaries.

I value my sleep and my sanity and my home. dd is in this phase of taking risks and not listening to me in her private life. When I looked at those pics of her smoking weed I just thought ‘I don’t know who you are’.

Am I a total cow to say no, here’s £150 go out for pizza instead?

WWYD?

(Also posted in teens, sorry, but posting here for traffic)

Tell her she can have 4 female friends for sleepover on a weekend night. Don't let them go out beforehand - they'll only smoke weed/drink alcohol. Let them have takeaway pizza/movies/face masks etc. Confront her about the pics on phone - tell her weed is unacceptable and she will be punished if she does it again. Explain that it's an offence and if she ever gets caught she'll ruin her future.

Re bf/sex - talk to her again at a later stage - tell her you weren't born yesterday and you don't approve. Take her to a doctor re contraception and protection against STIs - I'd even consider talking to the bf and possibly his parents.

She does not deserve a party.

She does not deserve having £150 being spent on pizza.

You need to speak to her dad re the drugs. She’s way too young for this sort of shit.

You say draconian measures aren’t working, but there don’t appear to be long term measures in place if you’re not even communicating with her dad re the weed. I’m pretty sure not agreeing to spend £150 when it’s her birthday will help. That’s a lot of money for a birthday. She’d be getting sod all from me.

Am not understanding the phone thing. Surely her friends aren't also paying for a 3G contract with unlimited data when they lend her their old phones? Because presumably you've changed the WiFi password so she can not access the internet at home?

It's a no fucking way to any sort of party from me I'm afraid. Nudes, weed, alcohol and sex at 14!!! One or two of those is a teen pushing the boundaries, all four isn't far off the rails. And yes sorry I wouldn't have let her go to a friends either.

I’m worried by the phones issue, simply because it is now a familiar tactic used by dealers to give kids spare phones—so much so that in our school to be found with two phones leads to action being taken. If she is not bothered about losing her phone because ‘friends ‘ supply another, is openly using weed, and is spending time out overnight, I’d be contacting her school’s safeguarding team as these are serious red flags, taken together. Dealers love younger people who are testing boundaries, and some of her friends could be seriously involved and drawing her in.

OP, you are normalising the abnormal. It is NOT okay for your 14 year old daughter to be sexually active. It is NOT okay for her to be smoking weed. Just because you were a badly behaved 18-year-old does not make it inevitable that your daughter will be. She clearly needs far more structure and supervision. If you want her at a sexual health clinic, put her in the car and take her there.

Straight home from school, not out unsupervised with friends, phone downstairs an hour before bedtime and it must stay there. Every serious infraction should have a consequence. We're talking about illegal sexual activity and drug use here, by a child. We're not talking about forgetting to walk the dog or not helping with the washing up. She's pushing against the boudaries and it sounds like she hasn't come up against too many of them.

The habits we develop as teens are what we carry into adulthood. You are teaching your child how to deal with low self-esteem by taking drugs and having sex. Help build up her self-esteem by praising the effort she makes, by helping her find hobbies she's good at and by having high expectations of herself. And insist that her other parent does the same.

Why is your ex telling you you can't take away the key to your house? It is not him running the risk of a break in is it? It sounds like he is not really helping, do you do most of the discipline? What does he think about her behaviour?

Oh also get in touch with school if you found her at home on a weekday with her boyfriend. You need to ensure that all the adults in her life are connecting the dots.

Re her being home it was school hols.

Thanks to those who have been supportive. Yes she is doing risky things I don’t agree with, but she isn’t off the rails.

We went to my sisters yesterday for the day and dd played with her 7yo old nephew and was great. She was tearful after the first of our chats yesterday but we have since had more chats and cleared the air, somethings we were clear on and others not. Like most teens she is susceptible to the fear that I think she is an awful person, she does care what I think. We don’t agree on everything. Our chat about weed was good - she says it isn’t a habit. I believe her as I know what to look for and am around enough. We are going to sort contraception next week. I had a chat with a fellow mum from primary who is an excellent parent and going through something similar. To those implying I am just trying to be her mate or that there are no boundaries I would say there but for the Grace go all of us with our teens. Because self esteem doesn’t just come from school she will have a small sleepover for her birthday with a few friends with a strict curfew. We will keep chatting and keep the communication going.

I see this quite differently to just about all the other posters.
Whilst this certainly not ideal and serious.
But it's not the end of the world. Far to young to be trying weed, admittedly.

but it can be addressed, talked about and sorted.

Am going to say exactly what you don't want to hear and probably don't see as supportive: your DD is saying what you want to hear. She is smoking weed at home. Of course it is a habit.