re dd 15 and sleepover / party at home

[HipsterAssassin]

So I co-parent and dd1 has been at her Dad&step-mum for the past week. It’s dd’s 15th birthday on Tuesday. Til now she was unsure what she wanted to do but today she came home and asked if she can have ‘15 friends over for the evening’ and 4 friends for sleepover.

For context. dd1 is pushing every boundary. Last year her b’day sleepover was cancelled because a few weeks before she had a party in my house overnight with boys (although I didn’t find out about the boys til some time after) no adult in the house... while me and DP had gone away for the weekend. She told her dad she was sleeping at a friend’s.

More recently I discovered an empty condom packet in her dressing gown (she has a boyfriend - same year at school). She claimed to have been messing about with and and that she did not need to go to a young person’s sexual health clinic. Am skeptical about that and will keep talking to her and try and persuade her to go to the sexual health clinic.

Then the night before she went to her dads last week I had a look through her phone (because she is 14 and I think that’s not a breech of privacy at this age). Unfortunately there were pics/videos of her smoking weed.

Her friends are all very tall and loud. My concern is things will get out of hand, despite my best intentions there is only one of me and if the kids bring weed/alcohol etc things will be bad. dd is not sensible.

I also hate the sleepover thing because I know from experience whatever I say I’ll get 2hrs sleep max - I live in a small 3 bed house and the sound carries. They will be screeching til 4am.

Have not yet had the convo with dd re weed (since being back she has gone straight out to a good friend’s sleepover - it’s her b’day this week too).

Have tried to build bridges in our relationship and keep things open, but I find it so hard to know how to walk the line between total cow-face militant witch and an in touch, facilitating parent. We are in the eye of the teenage storm and I feel lost but it’s still her birthday.

She isn’t totally off the rails, she is also a nice kid. Just wrapped up in her life right now and pushing all boundaries.

I value my sleep and my sanity and my home. dd is in this phase of taking risks and not listening to me in her private life. When I looked at those pics of her smoking weed I just thought ‘I don’t know who you are’.

Am I a total cow to say no, here’s £150 go out for pizza instead?

WWYD?

(Also posted in teens, sorry, but posting here for traffic)

I havent been there aobcant claim i have but surely without her sim she won't get all her messages so its not quite the same.

Did you also change the Wi-Fi password and make sure she couldn't get online from home? If she has her friends old phones will no internet access surely that will be a punishment for her even if she doesn't want you to think that.

No I tried everything, they have phones with 3G or 4G and she doesn’t need a SIM to access social media.

When it all kicked off last year my dad took her out (they go to the football) and she told him she wanted me to crack down on her online use hahahaha! When actually short of sending her to Outer Mongolia I had done absolutely everything possible and she was still finding ways round it.

She is nothing if not determined..

You can buy cheap home drug tests for weed from Amazon.

But what would that achieve though, Melt ?

I don't know why people are having a go at you for the sex thing..shes a teenager who will likely do what she likes. The op can advise but aside from joining at the hip.. there's no way op can stop her having sex. Many many teenagers have sex. Not saying it's right.. I waited until 18. But it sounds like she's doing it somewhat safely which is one thing.
The weed I'd be really concerned about. But then I'm really against weed.

15 over for the evening with 4 sleeping over sounds OK to me. You must impose your boundaries - what are you allowing? Alcohol? What time will the majority leave? etc etc. Make clear NO DRUGS - get phone numbers of all parents if you are worried about things getting out of control - you can always call/text to get kids picked up. I say this with a Y10 son who had a party that went absolutely pear shaped. The only boundary I wish I had imposed was majority go home (they act differently if being picked up by parents) and, if I'd been less naive, more strict over weed. It is a very common problem in schools/teenagers of this age group. I am with you on not being heavy handed over sex and weed - if you are they will find ways of doing it without you knowing. Also relate to the over thinking the conversations - it is very easy for people to offer advice when they have not been in the situation. I would go with it with your boundaries in place - if DD can't agree then it doesn't go ahead.

She has a steady boyfriend of her own age so I don't see the sex thing as a big issue
Apparently the average age of first trying weed is 12/13 so again whilst very worrying, not that unusual. Once kids get to 14 you really have lost control.you can still try and influence them, advise them and hope you have brought them up with enough sense to not do anything really daft.But you have no way if controlling them the way you might a younger child. They will just become more devious, more determined and cut meaningful communication with you

I think unless you live in a detatched house away from other people, 15 friends over for a party seems a lot. Maybe compromise on 3-4 for a sleep over on the condition they keep the noise down so they don't disturb you/your neighbours. Giving £50 towards additional birthday celebrations/ pizza seems generous under the circumstances.

HipsterAssassin
Having the ability to drug test your daughter might be useful if you want to try and stop her using weed. You could use bribery or punishment if she does or does not stop using it. Perhaps you could promise her a trip to see her favourite band if she stops or punish her by stopping her allowance or whatever if she continues. Drug testing teens that HAVE used drugs isn’t that wild a suggestion. Your conversations with her haven’t stopped her.

She sounds a bit dumb to have taken photos showing herself smoking weed.

OK I may sound really old fashioned but if you have £150 to blow, why don't you and Dd go and do something different for the day and try to reconnect?

You need to stop the weed thing, she could completely ruin her life with it. Developing brains can be permanently affected, she’s stupid to be using it. And it’s illegal. I’m sure it’s within your power to do this. How can she afford it? Remove all sources of money, her phone, tablet, everything if you don’t trust her. You have got to stop it OP, it could affect her entire life.

I wouldn’t worry about the sex thing, if she’s being careful and has a steady boyfriend is it really that bad?

Don’t allow the sleepover if you think it’s going to be that bad. Pizza idea sounds good.

I'd start being a bit more harsh TBH.

I'm very accomodating with our kids, and support them when they make bad decisions - controlling parents in my teens ruined me for years but I would not be having a party for one of them if they lied to me, refused to behave responsibly by going to a clinic for birth control, posted photos of weed smoking, sexted, didn't respect punishments and actively worked around them. Why reward her? Have you told her you are aware she's smoking weed? Have you told your ex?
( I should note here I am not anti-marijauna at all , though 14 is too young for that- it's the sheer stupidity of filming yourself doing it, and probably posting it online - that would get to me.)

Can you curtail her social life until she starts to respect your boundaries? If she is not sensible, as you say - then I'd be hauling her ass to a clinic for better birth control whether she likes it or not. Make it a condition for the party or something? Most people don't just mess around with condoms, that's a pretty dubious response. Tell her you think she's too young, but it's her body so you are happy to support her choices - however - we are going to the clinic.

And how much money does she have access to? If she is getting her friends old phones, surely she needs cash to buy data? Get your ex-onboard and cut her off- tell him about the pot to if he is reluctant. .

I'd kind of consider my 14 year old to be a bit off the rails if I was being presented with the behaviours you describe. Hence why I think it might be time for you and your ex to "put the boot in" a bit and rein her in - especially if she is not a sensible girl.

There is not a chance in hell I would allow a party and sleepover. If any friends out it on social media your house could be over run.

My Dneice is 15 she went to her pals party, a lots of unannounced people turned up, her older sister 23 was supervising with her mother and one guy knocked her old Dsis out, they pulled the toilet off the wall and flooded the house.

You can expect that kind of carry on in light of your OP.

She ll get over you saying no.

You don’t have to except her being an arse hole though Op

She’s obviously smoking weed. Stop all money given to her.

At some point a line has to be drawn so she can know her boundaries and try and turn in to an adult. Setting boundaries don’t take a couple of days - they take weeks of work putting in to it.

Do not make the mistake of trying to be her ‘mate’..

Quietlife1979 I hear you, I do. And thank you everyone. I have actually spent the last year trying to ‘reconnect’ with her.

Our relationship got really difficult. Things were pretty acrimonious when I ‘drew the line’ last year. She was grounded for months and no phone until she started wising up.

She now isn’t trying to smuggle her phone into her room at night. She happily gives it up at 9:30 (I have never allowed tech in rooms overnight). She is doing chores. Will sit and spend time with me. She is more pleasant to be around.

But all that happened after I quit with the pointless draconian measures. At this point I said ‘you will earn your allowance by doing X, Y & Z’ and you aren’t getting any reminders about doing homework - if you want to be treated like an adult then off you go.

I can’t do anything about the weed smoking. But in January while I had a weekend away again (I don’t go away much btw) she had been in the house unauthorised and left with back door and window wide open. I was livid and gave her a good talking to. Her dad didn’t think it was all that bad.. I wanted to confiscate her front door key but he disagreed.

This last week I nipped home at lunchtime (dd in the care of her dad up the road) and dd1 and her BF were in the house.

Then later that day I found the back door unlocked.

I had another incidence also this past week when I found the back door unlocked. Thought it was me forgetting. I know know it’s dd smoking weed in my garden.

I have had the most insane weeks at work but yesterday and over night have had time to think.

I think her behaviour falls short of deserving a party which could get out of hand. I also think it’s time for her front door key to be removed.

I don’t really know what to do about her though.

My house was broken in to while we slept and my car stolen as as a result of dd1 leaving the kitchen window open - It does happen! Awful experience.

This period of her life is so important as she isn’t a child anymore but is neither a responsible adult. Experiences she has now will shape her future for years to come.

The of you want to be treated like an adult phrase always doesn’t sit well with me - as she isn’t one. She’s far from being a legal adult so we should expect her to behave like one.

Weed is one of the biggest causes of mental health problems. And you can stop her from smoking it. There really isn’t an option for a 15 year old to be taking drugs. Ever. (I’d probably start buying drug testers)

I found with my dd we went round in a yearly cycle. Starting off with her massively overstepping the boundaries, me stepping up my parenting, her being grounded for life, to her pulling her socks up, to me relaxing my parenting yo her taking the puss again and that usually took 12 months

I’d take the keys off her if she wasn’t to be trusted in the house and you also need to look at if she is having any sexual encounters with these boys.

Would you consider family councilling ?

I have a book called ‘raising girls’ it’s actually very good.

Thanks. I don’t know anything about family counselling. Has anyone here done it? I think it’s shit when you are single parent the parenting is diluted it’s hard to present an authoritative front. It’s crap and I feel alone with it all.

The thing is that her whole life and self worth is coming from these druggy friends.if you think stopping her will be as easy as stopping her allowance, urine tests or grounding her you are very naive
She will find a way

If she is that hell bent on taking drugs 5plus then she certainly needs therapy.

Weed is seen as such a soft drug and touted as a miracle cure for all when in fact the shit in the streets has been messed about. It is One of the biggest causes of Mental health problems in young adults.

If it Was heroin or crack would people be so lax about a teenager smoking drugs. It needs to be stopped, smoking drugs does lower inhibitions and that leads to regretful encounters with others.

Dd1 got found out taking stronger drugs than weed and she was grounded for around eight months. I picked her up from school, she wasn’t allowed to be on her own. She have proven she could not be trusted to make responsible choices so she has to stay where I could keep her safe. I as the responsible adult made that decision for her.

The ‘oh they will find away’ is rubbish. They are still kids.

op if you google family therapy in your area you should be able to access some help and I think there is fine places that do it at a reduced rate depending on income.

Talk talk and keep talking to her, I used to be a shouty maniac mum but after a while I found I’d i disengaged a bit from the situation I dealt with it a bit better.

*Dd1 got found out taking stronger drugs than weed and she was grounded for around eight months. I picked her up from school, she wasn’t allowed to be on her own. She have proven she could not be trusted to make responsible choices so she has to stay where I could keep her safe. I as the responsible adult made that decision for her.

The ‘oh they will find away’ is rubbish. They are still kids*

You are so naïve it is laughable! You think for example she is safe from being supplied drugs in a secondary school!!

I'm thinking you've lost control of your teenager, OP, and the sleepover is the least of your concerns.

You think for example she is safe from being supplied drugs in a secondary school!!

Well she can still be supplied but when would she get the opportunity to actually take them?

Shame there isn't some form of teen help available

You think for example she is safe from being supplied drugs in a secondary school!!

I teach in a secondary and I know drugs have been discovered on site, but only a couple of times in the several years I've worked at my school. Weed stinks. If the students are bringing it to school en masse, I'm nose blind.

i would say keep going op, sounds like you are doing well. it might not feel like it but parenting a teen like that aint pretty.
take away her key. i would. its taking the piss. also i dont think your ex should have a say in whether your dd has a key. if needs be install a key safe for emergencies. if you are tied up/cant get home you can text her the code and then change it before replacing the key.