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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting the whole class in year 6?

65 replies

upsideup · 30/03/2018 18:48

DDs birthday party is next week, there's only 20 kids in dd's class so quite a small class and she has invited everyone but 3 girls who over the last year or so have been pretty nasty to her calling her names, leaving her out and there was an incident a few weeks ago when these girls were posting edited photos of dd on instagram with nasty comments underneath, dd doesn't have instagram so didn't see them but I was told by another mum and had to contact the parents to have them removed. So they were all aware of there being a problem mainly from their daughters side between them and dd.

But I have been messaged by one of the mum but saying they are speaking on behalf of the other parents, apparently all their daughters are really upset not to be invited to dd's party when everyone else is, that they have said sorry and thought they were all friends again, that if we were not off school now they would need to get the teacher involved as this could be considered bullying and creating unnecessary problem between the girls. Basically they to me to sort it all out with dd now so that they can come to her party.

I'm not really prepared to do this, I think dd is old enough to decide who she wants at her party and she doesn't want people who are not her friends and have been horrible to her there. The girls did say sorry but that's it, them and dd havent spoken one word to each other in the past few weeks because they are just not friends. DD also has never been invited to any of their parties though I think they were a much smaller group rather than most of the class. When they are younger I know problems resolve themselves in minutes and wouldn't exclude children based on one incident but they are 11 not 7 and this is consistent nastiness not just a one off occasion where they were all best friends by the next day.

AIBU to think by year 6 you dont have to invite everyone?

OP posts:
Yarboosucks · 30/03/2018 18:52

Your DD's party, you are paying, they are incredible rude!

user1498854363 · 30/03/2018 18:52

OMG, dd can invite who she likes, no school should interfere unless dd was being purposefully malicious/ bullying etc about it (doesn’t sound like she is)

You support yr dd by backing her choice other kids learn their behaviour has consequences!

I never do all class invites even when others do, that’s my choice.

It will blow over, Easter hols, next party will come round,
Cheeky parents!

TaggieRR · 30/03/2018 18:53

To be honest I don’t think you’re unreasonable. The girls shouldn’t have been so unkind.

WombatStewForTea · 30/03/2018 18:54

I'm a Y6 teacher. Whole class parties are very rare. I think the mum's are trying it on. How dare they accuse your dd of bullying. Did you go to school over the instagram incident (which would be treated very seriously at our school). I'd go back to the mums and say what you've said here and that they haven't spoken to each other since and saying sorry doesn't magically make it all better.

ilovesooty · 30/03/2018 18:54

I don't think it's the teachers's business anyway and if bullying is an issue perhaps they should be looking at their children's behaviour.

LockedOutOfMN · 30/03/2018 18:55

YANBU. I'd also advise the school that these ten year olds are using Instagram.

Strictly1 · 30/03/2018 18:56

The school won’t want to get involved. I think you need to support your daughter and say no. They need to learn that actions have consequences.
I hope she has a lovely party.

HateTheDF · 30/03/2018 18:57

I don't think YABU either, they've been nasty to her and she doesn't want them there. It's her birthday party and she can do what she likes, just like the other girls didn't invite her.

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2018 18:59

YANBU although no doubt some MNetters will be along to state some sort of apparent ratio that you should stick to, when it comes to leaving kids out.

In a situation like yours, I'd much rather make it clear to my child that her feelings are more important to me, than those of the bullies.

retirednow · 30/03/2018 19:04

Messaging you with a threat to involve teachers is bullying, I second telling the school about Instagram.

greenlanes · 30/03/2018 19:05

I have some sympathy with you as clearly the girls were beyond unkind. But my DC class was also quite small - about 23-25 children but with very few of one gender. The "all class" parties were used to exclude the minority gender all throughout KS2. Funnily enough those families were keen enough to come to my DC party when invited. My DC was quite hurt at times by this. I do think it is good advice on here - whole class should be that or approx 50% and less.

TidyDancer · 30/03/2018 19:05

I wouldn't bend on this. DD needs to know you support her and this is a strong message to her. The other mums are cheeky bastards to even raise this.

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2018 19:15

greenlanes but none of that resembles the OP's situation.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/03/2018 19:21

We can see where the girls learnt how to be bullies with mums like that.

You are not unreasonable and the poster saying 50% or less children from cclass to be invited please could you explain why the Op's daughter who was bullied by these girls should exclude people she considers friends to save her bullys' feelings? Ridiculous

greenlanes · 30/03/2018 19:22

The whole point of this site is to hear others views and experiences, which are not likely to ever be identical. My DC situation is that of a few children being left out of a whole class party. It is also the same that a few CF (parents) are quite prepared to latch onto any hospitality without inviting back. Year 6 - it is perhaps not worth worrying about the trouble that it likely to rumble on for the rest of the year. Depends what type of community you live in.

FlouncyDoves · 30/03/2018 19:31

Just ignore it. Or, if you feel bad about that, right back that it’s her party and she’ll invite who she likes.

I’d have raised the Instagram thing with the school though, potentially a suspensionable instance of bullying

Notallthat · 30/03/2018 19:34

Yanbu I'd be absolutely furious. I'd be inclined to text back something along the line of, 'please remember that it was your child that is the bully and my daughter will be standing up to them and they will NOT be attending her birthday. I am slightly surprised you expect me to force my daughter into a situation she is uncomfortable with as this would re-inforce to her that her feelings mean less than your childs. I'm sorry if your daughter doesn't like this but maybe you can use this opportunity to teach her not to prey on others and hopefully next year she may get an invite'

Jassmells · 30/03/2018 19:37

Get to the school before they do. Let it land on deaf ears.

TeenTimesTwo · 30/03/2018 19:57

Y6 is a great time for fallings out amongst girls.
Although I see your and your DD's reasoning, I think you have been unwise to invite 17/20 to a party. It is only going to fuel fallings out.
In my opinion you would have been better off just inviting closest friends, to a maximum of 9.

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2018 20:04

Posting edited photos of the OP's DD on Instagram, with nasty comments underneath, is not 'falling out'. It's out and out bullying.

No way should the poor girl have to invite a maximum of 9 of her closest friends, just to spare the feelings of the 3 bullies.

No wonder some kids never learn if everyone else around them changes their behaviour, for fear of upsetting them.

RavenclawRealist · 30/03/2018 20:06

We can see where the girls learnt how to be bullies with mums like that.

^this!

The girls have been nasty and picked on your dd now they are having some consequences to there actions they at moaning! Your dd is old enough to decide who she wants there!

I would reply that your dd has been very hurt by the actions of the children and you won't be having her birthday spoiled! If they think this needs escalating to the school then you are more than happy with that as things have obviously crossed a line and you want your dd to get some support!

SweetMoon · 30/03/2018 20:09

No way should you invite them. They were very mean to your dd,they are not her friends and she does not want them at her party. Totally fair enough.

Tell the parent that although they apologised to your dd, your dd was very hurt by it all and does not consider them her friends at the moment and will not be inviting them. And rightly so. The mother is a complete loony tune if you ask me.

I'll always remember this when my ds was being bullied in year 6 and was being badgered by the teachers to 'just get over it'.

Throw a plate on the floor.
Did it break?
Yes.
Say sorry to it.
Sorry.
Is it fixed?

They may have said sorry but their actions since, by not talking to your dd, suggest otherwise.

greathat · 30/03/2018 20:16

Reply to the effect that hurt feelings caused by bullying are not repaired by saying sorry. It will be an important life lesson to their children that it doesn't fix everything and it's better to just not do horrible things in the first place.

The Mum is a fucking bitch for even suggesting the bullying when her own child is the bully. Well done to your daughter for standing up to her

Starlight2345 · 30/03/2018 20:18

I have a year 6 child . Yes you are doing the right thing . These girls are old enough to learn there behaviours have consequences and sometimes sorry doesn’t make it all right again .
If they were year 1 I would feel differently . One thing they need to learn a term before high school is not everyone is nice and you don’t have to be friends with everyone .
I would simply ignore text

RedSkyAtNight · 30/03/2018 20:22

I can actually see both sides to this. I agree that OP's DD shouldn't have to invite girls who have been bullying her. It sounds like the girls are now not talking to DD ,rather than being actually malicious - which is surely what we tell our DC to do if they can't get along? So inviting the whole class apart from these girls does look horribly like making a deliberate point which might well just inflame the whole situation -

IME whole class (or almost whole class!) parties in Year 6 are rare and it would be more usual for people to have a party with a few friends. Does OP's DD really get on brilliantly with every other single person in her class? IMO it would have been much better to invite a smaller number.