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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting the whole class in year 6?

65 replies

upsideup · 30/03/2018 18:48

DDs birthday party is next week, there's only 20 kids in dd's class so quite a small class and she has invited everyone but 3 girls who over the last year or so have been pretty nasty to her calling her names, leaving her out and there was an incident a few weeks ago when these girls were posting edited photos of dd on instagram with nasty comments underneath, dd doesn't have instagram so didn't see them but I was told by another mum and had to contact the parents to have them removed. So they were all aware of there being a problem mainly from their daughters side between them and dd.

But I have been messaged by one of the mum but saying they are speaking on behalf of the other parents, apparently all their daughters are really upset not to be invited to dd's party when everyone else is, that they have said sorry and thought they were all friends again, that if we were not off school now they would need to get the teacher involved as this could be considered bullying and creating unnecessary problem between the girls. Basically they to me to sort it all out with dd now so that they can come to her party.

I'm not really prepared to do this, I think dd is old enough to decide who she wants at her party and she doesn't want people who are not her friends and have been horrible to her there. The girls did say sorry but that's it, them and dd havent spoken one word to each other in the past few weeks because they are just not friends. DD also has never been invited to any of their parties though I think they were a much smaller group rather than most of the class. When they are younger I know problems resolve themselves in minutes and wouldn't exclude children based on one incident but they are 11 not 7 and this is consistent nastiness not just a one off occasion where they were all best friends by the next day.

AIBU to think by year 6 you dont have to invite everyone?

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 31/03/2018 08:46

I’d reply to the Mum and not ignore.
I’d reply that your dd chose who she is friends with and who to invite. Although the girls apologised, none of them have spoken again so clearly are not friends. Certainly talk to the teacher but as this is out of school activity that they have no control over.

poobumwee · 31/03/2018 08:49

YANBU You are right to support your daughter's decision on whom she does and does not invite to HER party. Building self esteem in kids is key. Don't raise a "pleaser". you've given her an opportunity to use her voice, make her choice and now you have to respect that choice

I would be tempted to ignore the message from the mother. She's a CF for sending it in the first place. DD was not invited to their parties, but had the girls not been unkind they would have been invited to hers. they chose to treat her poorly, consequence is no invite. Tough shit!

akitas2 · 31/03/2018 08:53

What is it these days when so many people are upset or offended about everything! When I was a child we invited people we wanted to, and the rest of the class just got on with it, it wasn't an expectation or seen as a right. No-one seemed to care and it was just what happened. I wonder if it's got something to do with social media, mobiles etc, as it's far easier to fire off on there about some perceived slight or other. Rare are the days when it's people speaking to each other. And I certainly wouldn't bow down to people that have upset my child just so their children wouldn't be excluded. Stuff that!

emmyrose2000 · 31/03/2018 09:31

When I was a child we invited people we wanted to, and the rest of the class just got on with it, it wasn't an expectation or seen as a right. No-one seemed to care and it was just what happened. I wonder if it's got something to do with social media, mobiles etc

My experience too, and I agree that the advent of SM and mobiles etc has probably got something to with the nonsense surrounding parties these days.

When I was at school the idea of a whole class party was unheard of, with one exception of a boy in our middle school (so around 12 years old). It was the talk of the class for well over a term as it was so "out there". Other than that, we just invited the kids we wanted to, and, shock! horror! we usually handed out the invitations there too. Shock The idea of someone's parent contacting another parent to beg ask for an invite for their child would have been mortifying.

Ellie56 · 31/03/2018 16:32

What a cheek! I absolutely wouldn't invite these nasty little bullies. Let them learn that bad behaviour has consequences.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 31/03/2018 16:39

YANBU but be prepared for the army of mumsnetters who think you should invite everyone despite your DD not being friends with them. It’s entirely your choice, don’t do it just because of peer pressure. I wouldn’t invite them either.

Quickerthanavicar · 31/03/2018 16:49

Cheeky for her to ask.
Cheeky for the other parents to hide behind this one parent
Cheeky for her to try and bully you with teachers getting involved.

It seems the apple doesn't fall from the tree.
Nasty piece of work.

Hygge · 31/03/2018 17:13

It's not bullying to leave these girls out of her party.

If you do reply, I'd point out that you appreciate the apology for her daughter's part in bullying yours, but that you wouldn't consider the girls to be friends, given that they don't speak to or play with each other and that your daughter has never been invited to her daughters parties before.

And I might ask that, since her daughter was the one to bully yours, if she's implying that her daughter will start to bully yours once more if she's not invited to the party? Because if so that's something you will need to let the teacher know when the girls go back to school.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/03/2018 17:19

I would stick to my guns, what these girls did to your daughter was very serious and bullying. It is not surprising your dd does not want them at her party. Instead of disciplining them, their parents are supporting them. I would totally support your dd, and let the parents go to the school if they think there is a problem. This is an outside party, so school would not have an involvement.

Afreshcuppateaplease · 31/03/2018 17:22

My dd is in reception and has chosen not to invite four children from the class who she doesnt like

Aeroflotgirl · 31/03/2018 17:22

I would tell the parents, that despite the apology, the girls are not friends with dd, and so they are not invited to the party. Have they invited dd to their parties?

athingthateveryoneneeds · 31/03/2018 17:23

No way would I allow bullies anywhere near my child if I could help it - especially at her party, on my dime. No way.

Singlikemiranda · 31/03/2018 17:28

What is wrong with people? My dd is year 6, and if she didn't get an invite to a party because she had been bullying someone then I would explain to her the reason she wasn't invited, not message the party girls mum saying it is unfair. Really bad parenting!

Fruitbat1980 · 31/03/2018 17:33

Tell them to fuck off. Or Give me their email address and I’ll tel them to duck off.
Disclaimer: I’m one large gin in and this has given me the rage.

Magpiemagpie · 31/03/2018 17:53

Don't delete the message OP
If the nutters do report you to the teacher 😂. You might want to have proof of how stupid they really are

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