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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting the whole class in year 6?

65 replies

upsideup · 30/03/2018 18:48

DDs birthday party is next week, there's only 20 kids in dd's class so quite a small class and she has invited everyone but 3 girls who over the last year or so have been pretty nasty to her calling her names, leaving her out and there was an incident a few weeks ago when these girls were posting edited photos of dd on instagram with nasty comments underneath, dd doesn't have instagram so didn't see them but I was told by another mum and had to contact the parents to have them removed. So they were all aware of there being a problem mainly from their daughters side between them and dd.

But I have been messaged by one of the mum but saying they are speaking on behalf of the other parents, apparently all their daughters are really upset not to be invited to dd's party when everyone else is, that they have said sorry and thought they were all friends again, that if we were not off school now they would need to get the teacher involved as this could be considered bullying and creating unnecessary problem between the girls. Basically they to me to sort it all out with dd now so that they can come to her party.

I'm not really prepared to do this, I think dd is old enough to decide who she wants at her party and she doesn't want people who are not her friends and have been horrible to her there. The girls did say sorry but that's it, them and dd havent spoken one word to each other in the past few weeks because they are just not friends. DD also has never been invited to any of their parties though I think they were a much smaller group rather than most of the class. When they are younger I know problems resolve themselves in minutes and wouldn't exclude children based on one incident but they are 11 not 7 and this is consistent nastiness not just a one off occasion where they were all best friends by the next day.

AIBU to think by year 6 you dont have to invite everyone?

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 30/03/2018 20:26

‘I’m told that all the girls have completely ignored DD since the Instagram bullying. Feel free to involve the teacher’

Labradoodliedoodoo · 30/03/2018 20:27

It’s fine not to invite bullies to a party. The party is your child’s party. They can have their own party

Frazzled2207 · 30/03/2018 20:31

Yanbu at all.
However I think it would be easier to have invited a maximum of 10-12 children rather than the whole class minus this particular group of girls.

AveEldon · 30/03/2018 20:37

Just delete her message. Don't respond

I hope your DD enjoys her party

puglife15 · 30/03/2018 20:38

YANBU not to include them, they sound awful.

However inviting everyone except them does feel a bit pointed and gives them an excuse to say what they've said and be all "woe is me" (even though it's out of order). It could potentially have a negative effect.

Inviting 17 kids to a year 6 party seems pretty unusual to me too.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 30/03/2018 20:39

Do the school know about the Instagram incident? Because I would have told them as that constitutes bullying in my eyes

Then frankly if the parents want to bring up not being invited after their child has been bullying yours then that I doubt they'd get very far.

Does your dd get on with all 15 other classmates? It does seem quite big for a party at that age (but as I don't have any DC of that age I could be utterly wrong! Just a question really)

puglife15 · 30/03/2018 20:39

Also agree best course is to ignore the message completely and pretend you never got the text if they bring it up.

ChasedByBees · 30/03/2018 20:42

YANBU and she should use this as a teaching opportunity for her daughter for sure.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/03/2018 20:52

Surprised so many people thing the Ops daughter should amend her party plans (by inviting a smaller number) because of the hurt feelings of three girls who have bullied her. If they are hurt or upset then hopefully they will conclude that their actions have had consequences.

The mum who texted is a disgrace and you should definitely report the instagram bullying and the mums attempt to intimidate you to the school. Then I would block them.

insideoutsider · 30/03/2018 20:57

@greenlanes - 'It is also the same that a few CF (parents) are quite prepared to latch onto any hospitality without inviting back'
In our case, our attending the class bully's party was my DC's worst nightmare but I made her go because the mom seemed very unhappy about no one liking her child. So, no, we weren't latching onto hospitality. If we (and a few other school families) didn't go, that child would have no party. He didn't stop being mean though so I regret taking my child there.

My DC invited all but 4 kids in their class to her birthday. Those 4 have been very mean to her and my DC was adamant that they didn't come. It's her party and she shouldn't be rewarding people who make her days miserable.

OP, I'm with most on this one. It's a day for your child to celebrate with her friends. Those ones are not.

Original poster
upsideup · 30/03/2018 20:57

Sorry for disapearing, thankyou for the replies. Will just ignore the message for now, the girls definately wont be getting an invite though.
I didnt report the instagram incident, as the parents claimed to not even know their dd's were on instagram that they were very sorry and were giving appropriate punishements, the photos and instagram accounts were deleted and the girls appoligised so rightly or wrongly we decided to give them the benefit of the doubt in that it had been dealt with already, the school also has a reputation for not getting involved in out of school or online problems. The school had dealt with the ins school name calling and the last few weeks had been fine with no problems, the not talking has been mutual, dd hasnt make an effort to talk to them either.
If dd only invited 9-12 people from the class then she would be excluding children who are her friends and have been nice to her, she does genuinely get on really well with everyone else and wanted to invite them all. I did use the everybody or less than half the class rule when dd was younger and do with my younger children still but that has always been when just didnt like some people as much not that they had been bullied by them.

OP posts:
HateTheDF · 30/03/2018 21:20

OP I think you and your daughter are doing the right thing.

My DM made me invite my bully to my party as a child and I remember them bitching and being really nasty to me at my own party and laughing saying my Mum likes them more. She believed if you're the bigger person and are nice then they'll be nice back - that doesn't always work.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 30/03/2018 23:38

The bullies are 11. Old enough to reap the fallout of their poor behaviour. Natural consequences.

RavenWings · 30/03/2018 23:42

But I have been messaged by one of the mum but saying they are speaking on behalf of the other parents, apparently all their daughters are really upset not to be invited to dd's party when everyone else is, that they have said sorry and thought they were all friends again, that if we were not off school now they would need to get the teacher involved as this could be considered bullying and creating unnecessary problem between the girls. Basically they to me to sort it all out with dd now so that they can come to her party.

Lol, as a class teacher that's an out of school incident (and not bullying imo - bullying is sustained), I'm not going to get involved. Sounds like your school would have a similar attitude.

At that age they're more than old enough to understand natural consequences. Good life lesson for them.

SadieHH · 30/03/2018 23:44

To hell with that. I’m a big fan of not inviting bullies to parties to make them feel better, even if they’re the only one from the class left out. You reap what you sow. Eleven is plenty old enough to have learnt that.

emmyrose2000 · 31/03/2018 05:56

The bullies are 11. Old enough to reap the fallout of their poor behaviour. Natural consequences

Exactly.

OP, I'm glad to see you're not going to give into these bullying women. It's easy enough to see where these nasty little bullies get their attitude from.

The age for starting an Instagram account is 13, so those girls weren't even old enough to have accounts in the first place. I'd have reported them to Instagram, for both the nasty posts and being underage. Perhaps the bullying mothers should pay more attention to what their children are doing, than worrying about other people's kids.

Angrybird345 · 31/03/2018 07:34

Stand your ground, don’t invite them.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 31/03/2018 07:35

They're upset!? That's karma for them. If you do ignore it make sure you're prepared for the face to face confrontation. I hate it when I have something like this and I think of a great comeback an hour later.

awifeyforlifey · 31/03/2018 07:58

Good for you, backing up your daughter. I agree that not replying to the mother's pushy text is definitely the best option. It sounds to me like those three girls have been enabled in their poor behavior by their mothers for quite some time. Learning that other people have feelings that can't be fixed for them by their mother and teacher can only benefit those girls in the long run.

Forgiveness isn't about condoning someone behaving badly towards you; it's about no longer letting them have power over you. Teaching your daughter that forgiving someone doesn't mean subjecting yourself to being hurt over and over again by that person is very important for her self-esteem and confidence. You sound like a very loving and supportive mother.

insancerre · 31/03/2018 08:03

Just delete and ignore the message

Some people!

LeonoraFlorence · 31/03/2018 08:06

Definitely think you’re doing the right thing. Did you inform the school about the instagram incident? My best friend is a HT and the issues she is having with her p6/p7s and social media in her school are unbelievable. The school should be made aware.

FrancisCrawford · 31/03/2018 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newmanwannabe · 31/03/2018 08:13

Well, We all know where the bullies are getting their learned behaviour from....

Madonnasmum · 31/03/2018 08:34

It's a great life lesson, every action has a consequence.
I would have mentioned the Instagram incident to school just for awareness, and would do now incase it escalates.
But don't invite them!

akkakk · 31/03/2018 08:34

Dear other parent,
perhaps you could think about what you have said, and how - and then work out why your child bullies others?
perhaps this is a good opportunity to parent your child and explain why not coming to the party is a consequence of bullying
yours

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