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AIBU?

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Original poster

How much should I help my sibling ?

54 replies

user1471558723 · 30/03/2018 08:29

My DS has made some poor decisions in her life which have left her in a precarious state financially.
I have always helped her with money. She managed to lose a house we gave her half the money for, because she over stretched herself.

Last year, with her new partner, she asked for help to buy another house. I gave her a large sum. The house is about an hour away from where she works, and an hour and a half away from where her partner works. They chose this area because it is near their friends. My DS earns only minimum wage and works part time.

She is now complaining that she is paying £250 a month for petrol and is really struggling financially.

My DH and I work hard, I have just informed my sister that we are going on holiday. All she could say was it's lucky for some, I can't afford to live never mind have a holiday.

I feel so exasperated with her. Every time she needs something she turns to me and I help her. Things never get any better for her as she makes such poor choices. I can cope wth biting my tongue over that but it's difficult to accept how resentful she is of my position.

She is over fifty now and unlikely to change. I'm so upset about the situation and am at a loss how to deal with it.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 30/03/2018 08:30

Stop giving her money.

There - sorted it for you.

Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 08:34

You've helped her buy two houses! Shock

She is a cheeky fucker. Don't give her another penny. Go on holiday and disengage from her manipulative crap.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 30/03/2018 08:35

Why on earth are you funding her?

Her choice to have the luxury of working part time so she has to afford it herself not expect others to fund it.

Stop and make her grow up finally.

x2boys · 30/03/2018 08:37

Yes I agree stop giving her money , my sister is a lot more better but it's just the way it is I wouldnt dream of asking her for money or berating her about it.

x2boys · 30/03/2018 08:38

A lot more better off*

pepperpot99 · 30/03/2018 08:41

You are right OP - she isn't going to change. I have the exact same issue with my older DB. He always earned more than me but because of his crazy extravagance and plain stupidness with money, he has always been skint. Now he has a partner who doesn't work, but my DB earns quite a lot of money, but he and his partner spend every penny of what he earns on rent, first class flights and holidays. It breaks my heart to see how he is setting himself up for a massive fall, but I can't be a part of it any more. For years I bailed him out, but now I am just not going to any more, I have my own dc to think about.

His partner is very scheming and I overheard her talking to her DM a while back about how, if anything happened to my DB, she would make sure me and my dh ended up supporting her and housing her (they have no kids). I am quite scared that she will somehow force herself on us!

DragonMummy1418 · 30/03/2018 08:50

Tell her to catch the bus!
£20 a week for a travel anywhere pass.

Charley50 · 30/03/2018 08:50

Don't give her any more money and suggest she gets a job closer to Gomez

Charley50 · 30/03/2018 08:51

Don't give her any more money and suggest she gets a job closer to home.

Charley50 · 30/03/2018 08:51

Gomez?! Grin

Cirrys · 30/03/2018 08:52

You've already dished out two lots of cash which she has squandered. She isn't making any effort to help herself. Don't give her any more money.

QuiteLikely5 · 30/03/2018 08:52

You must be rich! Did you win the lottery?

Genuine question?

Original poster
user1471558723 · 30/03/2018 08:52

I sympathise with you Pepperpot. These truly manipulative people are so difficult to deal with. It's helpful to get another perspective from other posters who would deal with things differently.

I always feel it's up to me to make things better for my DS, and that's what she expects.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471558723 · 30/03/2018 08:54

No not rich. We were left some money between us. I've given all mine to my sister now.
I've got full time employment so I thought she deserved the chance.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 30/03/2018 08:57

Op

Please please stop. You are not actually helping your sister. You are preventing her from standing on her own two feet.

I’m not sure how sensible you are if you’ve actually bought her two homes?

Are you vulnerable yourself?

Original poster
user1471558723 · 30/03/2018 09:06

We didn't buy them out right! We didn't inherit that much!
She's got a mortgage with her new partner. The first house was a relatives terraced house we inherited jointly. I gave her my half.
She promptly took out a mortgage on it which sh couldn't afford.

When we received the next smaller inheritance, I think the precedent was set, and she expected my half too.

OP posts:
unintentionalthreadkiller · 30/03/2018 09:13

My god don't give her anything else, ever!

Bananalanacake · 30/03/2018 09:15

She has a job so she should pay for everything herself. It's so pathetic expecting another adult to give her money. Have you suggested she pays you back.

DarkRoomDarren · 30/03/2018 09:16

Oh op, you’ve already done enough and then some. She sounds a CF.

nonevernotever · 30/03/2018 09:21

Ffs time to stop! I earn double what my ds does and don't have kids. I set up a direct debit for £100 a month and I pay her gym membership. The difference is that a)my ds didn't expect it (and argued with Me about it ) and b)she works full time in a very poorly paid job. She didn't agree until I'd convinced her that it was better for me if she wasn't permanently hangry and stressed. She's also the first person to offer help whenever I need a lift or an extra helper or anything else. If I told her I could no longer afford it she would be fine and simply thank me for having done it all. I don't get the impression any of that would apply to your sister. I also fail to see why it's your job to deprive yourself in order to pay for the consequences of her poor decision re location. In your place, unless she asked me outright I would just not notice the heavy hints. So yes, isn't petrol expensive. Yes we've been saving all year for this holiday etc

Original poster
user1471558723 · 30/03/2018 09:21

Thanks so much for the advice. It's easy to get trapped into a certain way of thinking. My parents always expected me to look after her and I've never really questioned it.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471558723 · 30/03/2018 09:25

Nonever, you are very perceptive. The help does all go one way.

OP posts:
TempusFugitive · 30/03/2018 09:27

You have helped her buy a house twice. That is enough. And i say that as somebody who wouldnt have a house without help from family. But now that im sorted i wont take a penny more as it makes me feel a loser. And i dont need it so it'd be wrong to take more.

banannabreadforme · 30/03/2018 09:27

Stop giving her money. And to be honest I'd say you need the money back and ask her to start making a monthly payment to you!

user7680 · 30/03/2018 09:30

Stop with the help please she will always ask for more . Why is she working part time?? It’s time to look after yourself you’ve done enough for her.

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