How much should I help my sibling ?

[user1471558723]

My DS has made some poor decisions in her life which have left her in a precarious state financially.
I have always helped her with money. She managed to lose a house we gave her half the money for, because she over stretched herself.

Last year, with her new partner, she asked for help to buy another house. I gave her a large sum. The house is about an hour away from where she works, and an hour and a half away from where her partner works. They chose this area because it is near their friends. My DS earns only minimum wage and works part time.

She is now complaining that she is paying £250 a month for petrol and is really struggling financially.

My DH and I work hard, I have just informed my sister that we are going on holiday. All she could say was it's lucky for some, I can't afford to live never mind have a holiday.

I feel so exasperated with her. Every time she needs something she turns to me and I help her. Things never get any better for her as she makes such poor choices. I can cope wth biting my tongue over that but it's difficult to accept how resentful she is of my position.

She is over fifty now and unlikely to change. I'm so upset about the situation and am at a loss how to deal with it.

You sound so kind but you aren’t responsible for her happiness

My brother was similar. Immature, irresponsible and useless with money. Couldn’t hold down a job. The jobs he did have were minimum wage dead-ends. Spent most of what he did earn on drugs & getting pissed. Refused to accept responsibility for his life, his choices and their consequences. Blamed everyone else for his problems.

I kept ‘lending’ him money ‘to tide him over’. Small sums generally, but he never made any attempt to pay any of it back. Eventually, I lent him a larger sum, several hundred pounds, which I had been saving up to buy a CD player. He swore he would pay it back when he got payed. Payday came, and I went round to his flat to ask for my money. He confronted me and snarled “I haven’t got it. What are you going to do about it?” I didn’t reply, turned round and walked out.

That was in 1993. We haven’t spoken since.

My life has been better off without him.

Lizzie48

I agree.

I suppose I shall always feel guilty that she doesn't have the life she wanted

Why do you feel guilt? Did you cause her to not have the life she wanted? Because you shouldn't carry guilt for things that are beyond your control. SHE is the one responsible for her life. SHE is the one who has squandered all her money. It's because of HER actions, that she's in the situation she's always in.

Time to stop feeling guilty.