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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much should I help my sibling ?

54 replies

user1471558723 · 30/03/2018 08:29

My DS has made some poor decisions in her life which have left her in a precarious state financially.
I have always helped her with money. She managed to lose a house we gave her half the money for, because she over stretched herself.

Last year, with her new partner, she asked for help to buy another house. I gave her a large sum. The house is about an hour away from where she works, and an hour and a half away from where her partner works. They chose this area because it is near their friends. My DS earns only minimum wage and works part time.

She is now complaining that she is paying £250 a month for petrol and is really struggling financially.

My DH and I work hard, I have just informed my sister that we are going on holiday. All she could say was it's lucky for some, I can't afford to live never mind have a holiday.

I feel so exasperated with her. Every time she needs something she turns to me and I help her. Things never get any better for her as she makes such poor choices. I can cope wth biting my tongue over that but it's difficult to accept how resentful she is of my position.

She is over fifty now and unlikely to change. I'm so upset about the situation and am at a loss how to deal with it.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 30/03/2018 09:37

You are so right, she is unlikely to change. All you can do is smile and nod. You’ve given her help and she’s unappreciative and has no shame about trying to rinse more from you.

There are obviously ways for her to improve her situation but assuming she’s not brain dead she should be able to figure them out for herself. Go on holiday with a clear conscience.

thebear1 · 30/03/2018 09:39

That she would take your share of inheritance is disgusting.I have a sister who is much better off than I am, no way would I take any inheritance off her. She sounds a selfish nightmare. Perhaps remind her what you have already given her.

Original poster
user1471558723 · 30/03/2018 09:42

Thank you all. I'm grateful for the advice, I feel a lot better.
I can't discuss the situation with anyone in real life, I wouldn't want anyone to think badly of her, I like to keep things private.

You have all helped me to stand back from the situation and reassess things. I'm strong at work and a good manager but I'm just so soft when it comes to DS. I just wish she was happy and settled too.

OP posts:
TempusFugitive · 30/03/2018 09:46

Again speaking as a sibling who has taken rather than given, once my family gave me the security i have now, which i vale so much, i wanted to show them what i would have achieved sooner if id had security. To earn back respect.

Maybe say to yr sister that the roles you have both fallen in to shouldnt be continuing in to yr fifties!

I know i want to lose the 'role' my family has cast me in. Not milk it if its worth a hand out. The hand outs perpetuate the role.

TempusFugitive · 30/03/2018 09:49

She can be happy and settled if she values the ground beneath her feet.
My family gave me that. And ive valued that chance to build slowly from there.

You have given her that ground beneath her feet twice.

I am happy to catch the bus knowing that the roof over my head is secure tho. I value that more than arriving to work in a nice car. All my colleagues arrive at work and moan about traffic for 15 mins. I read on bus!!

Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 09:50

@pepperpot99

His partner is very scheming and I overheard her talking to her DM a while back about how, if anything happened to my DB, she would make sure me and my dh ended up supporting her and housing her (they have no kids). I am quite scared that she will somehow force herself on us!

Pepper, she can't make you do anything! Just please make sure she never gets a key to your house to feed the cats while you're away!

What a cheeky fucker she is expecting you to support and house her when she's not even a sister!!

GnotherGnu · 30/03/2018 09:59

I always feel it's up to me to make things better for my DS, and that's what she expects.

And that's why she feels free to make idiot decisions, because she expects you to bail her out. Just stop doing it. You may be working full time now, but that could stop tomorrow and you will regret not having the cushion of your inheritances then.

MissTeri · 30/03/2018 10:02

You are enabling her to not take responsibility for herself financially, she knows she can fall back on you when the shit hits the fan. If she wants help again then the better thing to do would be perhaps help her to budget with what she has or point her in the direction of people who can help her with money management. You've gone above and beyond normal sibling duty here.

My brother is very much like your sister but on a smaller scale and depends on my mum rather than me. He never ever asks me for money because he knows he won't get it, he did ring once asking for money for food (he was starving apparently) ... I told him I've a freezer full of food and he was welcome to come and help himself (he declined my offer - bizzare considering he was 'starving'). Later that night on Facebook he put up loads of pictures of him out on the piss Hmm

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/03/2018 10:03

I would have to say that the mortgage lender has to take some of the blame, OP, even if you gave her a decent amount of money for the deposit, she's still got an unaffordable mortgage... unless her partner is controlling with money.

But give her warning and then just tell her. Everyone else has to sort themselves out, why shouldn't she?

Appuskidu · 30/03/2018 10:08

I feel so exasperated with her. Every time she needs something she turns to me and I help her.

Then stop-problem solved.

I can’t believe you’ve just handed over two inheritances to her-she must think you are a total pushover!

pepperpot99 · 30/03/2018 13:04

Lacucuracha you are right - I will never lend her the keys! the trouble is she is very good at taking people to court and knows how to exploit housing loopholes and so on. I honestly think she sees me and my family as a future meal ticket and I am nervous Sad.

OP - you gave away your inheritance. Your dsis is a user. You cannot enable her behaviour like this. It is really difficult to say NO sometimes but you really do have to. Good luck.

Gide · 30/03/2018 13:27

Stop bloody enabling her! For god’s sake, she’s not your responsibility! Just stop giving her money, you’re basically telling her it’s ok for to live beyond her means because you’ll bail her out each time. Just stop.

Motoko · 30/03/2018 14:41

If your parents had wanted her to have your share of the inheritances, they would have put that in their wills. You've been a fool, but I can see that it's due to misplaced loyalty.

She's been a grown adult for decades now, she's not a young 20something with little experience of life and budgeting.

Time for you to cut her loose, and don't fall for sob stories.

Does your husband know you've been giving her all this money?

ChasedByBees · 30/03/2018 15:27

I don’t think there’s any housing loophole that could force a non relative to bankroll and house someone else Pepperpot.

OP, I think if your sister is being resentful, there’s nothing you can do to change her attitude. You bite your tongue when she makes comments but maybe you shouldnt.

Trinity66 · 30/03/2018 15:32

enough is enough, she sounds a bit entitled and ungrateful tbh

BMW6 · 30/03/2018 15:44

OP she will continue to make poor decisions while you are constantly bailing her out. Its well past time for you to say NO to her.
If that means she falls out with you then your relationship was only based on what she could get out of you financially, so truly no loss to you.

You have been conditioned into this abusive relationship by your parent, who was WRONG.

EmpressOfJurisfiction · 30/03/2018 15:50

You have to know it would work both ways.

I took from my family when I needed to, and now I don't need to I'm taking great pleasure in paying it forward to other family members. Because that's only fair and right.

Would your DS do that if she could?

Lizzie48 · 30/03/2018 16:08

I've been there, OP, but with my ex best friend not a family member. She and her then DH had moved to Spain and therefore she owned 2 properties. She was about to be have her flat in the UK repossessed, she convinced me that she was in the process of selling up her properties and would pay my DH and me back out of the proceeds. I convinced my DH that we should lend her £6,000 to bail her out

It turned out to be a lie, as her debt was greater than the value of her 2 properties (she always spent too much money on clothes), and she would never be able to pay us back. She did set up a standing order in the tune of £50 per month, but it stopped after a few months. We used to get Christmas newsletters from her recounting how she had been travelling overseas but apparently didn't have money to pay us back.

Whenever we received anything from her, my DH used to mutter, 'Will there be a cheque inside the envelope?' It became impossible to stay in touch with her.

You will eventually destroy your relationship with your DSis, OP, you can't buy love or a friendship by lending money. It also doesn't solve anything for them, they just learn that they can take other people for mugs.

Original poster
user1471558723 · 30/03/2018 16:40

Thank you for all your helpful comments. I'm relieved to hear that I shouldn't do any more for her. I've tried over the years to offer advice or to get her to take advice from various organisations but she doesn't want to hear it.
I suppose I shall always feel guilty that she doesn't have the life she wanted, but Im starting to realise now that I can't change things for her.

I wish my DS was like you Empress, thanks for your comments.

Lizzie I'm sorry to hear how your friend let you down, it was a very kind thing that you did. I agree with you now, that it's not possible to buy love or friendship. Well at least we can congratulate ourselves that we have generous natures! ( Even if we do get taken for mugs - it's better than being mean - I think, or maybe not!!) We live and learn.

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
GinUnicorn · 30/03/2018 16:50

My SIL is similar - always overspending and borrowing money from my dp as she can't or won't budget. She constantly asks her pensioner mother for financial support and they all enable her so she never learns. Sadly there will come a day when her mother is no longer around to bail her out. It's a shame as it's really helped no one by ensuring she has never stood on her own feet.

EmpressOfJurisfiction · 30/03/2018 16:50

I wish my DS was like you Empress, thanks for your comments.

You're welcome, user. Your DS obviously doesn't appreciate you.

Pidlan · 30/03/2018 16:56

OP- You sound lovely. But actually, lending her all this money isn't really that kind. It's not helping her grow and develop and be strong. Don't do it any more, and when you struggle with the guilt, know that you're doing this for her own good.

beepbeeprichie · 30/03/2018 17:23

You feel guilty that she doesn’t have the life she wanted? Sorry if I’ve missed something (cooking/mumsnetting/ feeding baby) in your posts but why? Has some ill health befallen her? Did you hurt her in some way preventing her from working? In the nicest possible way OP you need to give yourself a shake. You were left inheritances. If the deceased(s) had wanted all the money to go to your DSis then that’s what they would have written in their will.

Lizzie48 · 30/03/2018 17:57

It was very awkward, though, @user1471558723 as I talked my DH into it and he wasn't happy. I've learnt a very important lesson.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/03/2018 18:18

My parents always expected me to look after her and I've never really questioned it

I suppose I shall always feel guilty that she doesn't have the life she wanted

I always feel it's up to me to make things better for my DS

Allowing for a moment that all this is for real, there can surely be only one question:

WHY??? Confused

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