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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL again

68 replies

ballerinarosebottom · 28/03/2018 11:04

MIL hasn't spoken to me for several months over a very petty issue.
She doesn't ask DP about me either. I've not made contact with her as, although I don't want any ill feeling, the pettiness of the issue is ridiculous and in some ways, I've enjoyed the silence if i'm honest.
She is obsessed with my DP and they have a very strong relationship.DP won't bring up the issue with her because he's scared of offending her.
She doesn't speak to any other of her family members and DP says she has a history of holding grudges.

It's my birthday tomorrow and she's not sent a card.
She's a very organised type and would normally send a card and present a week in advance at least, so I know it's not on it's way.

My question is, do I bring this up with DP, (we rarely ever speak about her these days, even though he is in contact with her daily) or do I act as if i don't care at all about it? I have a feeling my birthday weekend will be made 'all about her' if I let it get to me. I know it's only a card, but it's passive aggressive and I can't stand that kind of behaviour, it's upsetting me actually.

i know i'll get mixed comments but I just need to air it!

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 28/03/2018 11:05

If neither of you are talking then I wouldn’t have expected a card. I wouldn’t bring it up with H, not his fault and he will just feel more in the middle than he does already.

CiderwithBuda · 28/03/2018 11:06

I would not even mention it. To be honest if you are not speaking to each other I wouldn’t have expected a card. I’d she HAD sent one it would be a bit hypocritical really.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 28/03/2018 11:08

You're not talking to each other or about each other with your DP/her son. I can't see why you'd expect or want a card in these circumstances to be honest.

Happy birthday for tomorrow!

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 28/03/2018 11:08

Nope don't say a word. Don't let your birthday weekend be all about her, though, either because it's your time with your DP. If she's not speaking to you she needn't be involved at all.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/03/2018 11:09

She doesn't ask DP about me either. I've not made contact with her

Seems a bit childish to be stressing about not receiving a card from someone you haven't spoken to for months. Did you send her a card for her birthday?

Annechristmas · 28/03/2018 11:09

Definitely don't mention it. Forget all about her and enjoy your birthday.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/03/2018 11:10

Considering you’ve had a falling out I don’t see why you are expecting a card.

Why will your weekend be all about her? Strange since you and your husband don’t talk about her

Yarboosucks · 28/03/2018 11:15

So not sending a card has proved to be very effective hasn't it?

You say that there was a petty issue, how holds responsibility for that petty issue, you or her?

I would say that you get on with your birthday, enjoy the weekend. Then in a few weeks you both start to behave like grown-up and resolve the fallout from the petty issue. If necessary, they her that she has a reputation for holding grudges and you would like it to stop. The truth if often very effective.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/03/2018 11:39

What did you fall out about? I wouldn't expect a card off her tbh. Does DH agree with his mum about the fall out?

Bluelady · 28/03/2018 11:41

Why would you send a card to someone you're not speaking to? Would you send her one?

BertrandRussell · 28/03/2018 11:44

Resolve the issue. Adults not speaking to each other about petty issues is pathetic.

HollyBayTree · 28/03/2018 11:44

And I echo - why do you want a card from someone you arent talking to?

I really wouldnt bother mentioning it.

whatisausername · 28/03/2018 11:50

Why do you expect a card from someone you don't speak to? Confused

Original poster
ballerinarosebottom · 28/03/2018 11:51

The petty issue was at Christmas , she cancelled a visit as she was recovering from a facelift. She then asked if she could come on a particular weekend in January but we had plans to see my family. She took offence and thought I was trying to stop her from seeing her Dearest Son. I sent her a polite , friendly email saying this wasn’t the case at all and could we arrange another date and she didn’t respond and hasn’t been in touch since. From my perspective , I’m not refusing to speak to her but I haven’t reached out again since that email.

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 28/03/2018 11:58

I don't often say this, and she does sound like a pain in the bum, but there was no way she could get this right. If she had sent a card, it would have come over as passive aggressive, seeing as she's not talking to you.

I would just enjoy the silence as you say. If she's the kind of person who always likes to have her own way, you're never going to be in her good books. Might as well get used to it!

Nicknacky · 28/03/2018 11:59

I wouldn’t have emailed her about it, I would have left it for my H to have sorted out.

Knittedfairies · 28/03/2018 12:06

No, don’t mention the lack of birthday card; non-contact can work both ways. Don’t feed the drama.

dizzy174 · 28/03/2018 12:09

and enjoy the silence - it is golden :)

DairyisClosed · 28/03/2018 12:10

Don't you think yoga are being a bit childish. You are not speaking. Why would you want even expect a card?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 28/03/2018 12:47

I could be putting my own interpretation on this, but I read your words as saying that you feel some sadness that your relationship with your MIL isn't a happier one in general?

I'm not sure that there's very much you can realistically do to change things here. And I agree with PPs that I don't think you should be expecting a card or more from s.one who isn't speaking to you.

And, no, I wouldn't bring it up this weekend. I think you're best of backing off, but letting it be known (via DP) that you would be happy to be in contact again and aren't holding grudges.

At some point, you could chat to your DP about what HE thinks might be the solution and see whether he has any suggestions about how to go forward. But not your b.day weekend. Enjoy that.

KC225 · 28/03/2018 19:44

I agree with the others, why would you expect a card from someone you are not talking to. If the weekend becomes about her then it's of your doing. Don't mention her, if he mentions it brush it off as 'oh yeah, I didn't even notice. Anyway, let's not dwell on it, we have a weekend to enjoy'

MissEliza · 28/03/2018 20:38

I think you feel the card would have been a way of her breaking the ice, don't you? What a shame she hasn't taken the opportunity to do so. However sometimes we need to accept there are people who would rather cut their right arms off than make the first move.

sockunicorn · 28/03/2018 21:03

@ballerinarosebottom she sounds awful and spoilt to be honest. Would you be able to just ignore her? You dont exist to her so return the favour. I personally find it very easy to ignore some family members and my life is much better without the drama! Plus not having to sit across from them and do fake smiles and chit chat at special occasions is a god send!

Snowmagedon · 28/03/2018 21:09

Op I have a Mil like yours. My dm was never hot on gifts so not receiving a card meant nothing!
Mil however is like yours super organised.. And no card is a definite signal! The type of gift is a signal.

It's very pa and seeing as your dh speaks to her everyday it's a bit rotten she hasn't sent the love of her sons life a card... And that he hasn't noticed or mentioned it.

If my dp treated dh like this I would be doing something about it. Why isn't he mention Xmas to her.. Why isn't he being diplomatic and smoothing things over? Why is he passively standing by while his dm is punishing you for seeing your family.

Was your email rude? Why was it you sending it? Why not him?

diddl · 28/03/2018 21:17

Well she knows how to get to you, doesn't she!

I wonder why you sent the email rather than your OH?

Did you speak much before this?

Who does she usually arrange visits with?