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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL again

68 replies

ballerinarosebottom · 28/03/2018 11:04

MIL hasn't spoken to me for several months over a very petty issue.
She doesn't ask DP about me either. I've not made contact with her as, although I don't want any ill feeling, the pettiness of the issue is ridiculous and in some ways, I've enjoyed the silence if i'm honest.
She is obsessed with my DP and they have a very strong relationship.DP won't bring up the issue with her because he's scared of offending her.
She doesn't speak to any other of her family members and DP says she has a history of holding grudges.

It's my birthday tomorrow and she's not sent a card.
She's a very organised type and would normally send a card and present a week in advance at least, so I know it's not on it's way.

My question is, do I bring this up with DP, (we rarely ever speak about her these days, even though he is in contact with her daily) or do I act as if i don't care at all about it? I have a feeling my birthday weekend will be made 'all about her' if I let it get to me. I know it's only a card, but it's passive aggressive and I can't stand that kind of behaviour, it's upsetting me actually.

i know i'll get mixed comments but I just need to air it!

OP posts:

diddl · 29/03/2018 10:50

Would he be able to stand up to her with help or doesn't he want to?

What will happen when she asks to visit or suggests he go to her?

Would he go without you if she said?

girlywhirly · 29/03/2018 11:01

Look on the bright side, no hideous card or present, something you will have to display or wear, and if not talking, no presence to have to endure.

The much more pressing issue is the way DP allows her to treat you while pandering to her. Have you asked him why he thinks it is acceptable to allow it, and how disrespectful it is towards you? Has he considered that if it continues, you will be another in the long line of people she has alienated? Is he prepared to lose you because he is scared of her? What if you do have DC, do you want her involved with them, controlling and being a pain, disregarding your wishes about their upbringing because She Knows Best?

Original poster

ballerinarosebottom · 29/03/2018 11:04

He wouldn't want any confrontation. If she asked him to visit her he would go. Currently she arranges visits whenever I am working away. I asked DP about this and he said he 'hadn't really thought about' the significance of that. It would be the same if I mentioned the card to him, he would say he hadn't noticed and not to worry, all while they are chatting away on messenger.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/03/2018 11:26

It sounds more than just a " petty argument " to why you've fallen out OP. From what I've read it looks like you both dislike each other.

When you say she will cut her nose of to spite her face regarding future grandchildren do you think your DH would allow her to see them? It sounds like he's not strong enough to say no to me!

SandAndSea · 29/03/2018 11:59

I think it's pretty divisive to be contacting your dh every day whilst actively excluding you. I'm concerned for you if your dh can't see that. I think he needs to step up in insisting that his mother includes you in things. Currently, it seems that he's enabling her behaviour. I think you need to try to resolve this somehow. You could resolve it by deciding for yourself that you are now 'no contact' with her and make it clear to your dh how things are going to be moving forwards. Or, you could confront your dh, insisting he sorts this out. Or, you could contact her and try again to resolve it.

Good luck with it.

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2018 13:04

Well if you don't like her and you think she doesn't like you, then isn't it better that she and your dp meet when you aren't around?

Snowmagedon · 29/03/2018 13:21

And if they have dc how does that work Bertrand? Just split himself in too?

His dm is being manipulative to op. Maybe you would be happy if that's how your Mil treats you, maybe you and your dh wouldn't care if your parents did this.. But actually any relationship counsellor would advise differently.

At some point any person in a relationship has to put someone first.. Maybe not even all the time but occasionally when we chips come down they have to choose.
Now this card isn't a big deal but it doesn't bode well for the future.
And if this Mil creates more serious conflict in the future, her dh isn't showing a good job of being able to manage his dm.

BertrandRussell · 29/03/2018 13:27

I don't much like my mil. But I don't see why that should affect my dp or my children's relationship with her. They love her- she is their mum/grandma.

diddl · 29/03/2018 13:33

If you don't get on I can't see a problem with her visiting when you're not there, Op.

Presumably it's not every visit & you both go to her and manage to be civil?

hialaska · 29/03/2018 13:45

YABU. I wouldnt bring it up with your husband. Enjoy your birthday and let her sulk.

Birdsgottafly · 29/03/2018 13:51

"And if they have dc how does that work Bertrand? Just split himself in too?"

No, just because you are in a relationship you don't have to be joined at the hip and one Parent can take the child/ren out without the other.

I'm NC with one of my Son-In-Laws and LC with the other, it hasn't affected our relationship, or the relationship with my Grandchildren.

The MIL will miss out on the early days, granted.

Contact over Christmas should have been done via your Partner. I can remember your thread, then.

Personally, I couldn't live with an enabler. I would be sorting this out and then putting conditions in place.

The stress that this will end up causing to your DP isn't worth it.

TomRavenscroft · 29/03/2018 13:57

Why do you care? A card or lack of may 'symbolise' a lot to her, but why need it be significant to you?

Her strop over the visit is ridiculous and not worthy of being acknowledged. I don't know why you keep asking your DP if they've talked about you, TBH. Personally I'd enjoy the silence. Fuck her.

girlywhirly · 29/03/2018 14:28

OP, it really isn’t normal behaviour from your MIL being ‘obsessed’ with DP, and cutting off family members because they don’t conform to what she wants of them.

If you do have DC, she sounds like the sort of woman who will have a complete nursery set up in her house and only DP and DC will be welcome.

MayCatt · 29/03/2018 15:18

This would upset me too OP.

I would have a discussion (after your birthday so it doesn't ruin it) with your DP and say how hurt you are by his DMs behaviour.

This would be a turning point for me, as she has deliberately tried to upset you after ignoring you for months. I'd have to make it clear to my DP that she has now crossed a line.

If you don't, when DC appear she will suddenly want to "put it all behind you" as it now suits her and you will be made out to be unreasonable by her and your passive DP if you don't fall into line. There is no way I would someone so spiteful around my DC so she either apologises now or risks any future relationship with DGC.

Original poster

ballerinarosebottom · 29/03/2018 15:53

@girlywhirly yes you are absolutely correct. MIL has also given DP silent treatment previously (only for brief periods mind) when he has dared to speak to his uncles and aunts. The only family member she speaks to is DP and she says that is all she cares about. I agree it is unhealthy to be so proud to alienate family members who probably don't really know what they've done wrong.

@MayCatt thanks for your words. Yes, I think bringing it up today would not be wise, and we have some low key birthday plans over the weekend, so I will wait before anything is said to him. You are right that when grandchildren do appear she will probably do a complete U-turn. Of course i'll still remember the birthday when I was ignored whilst her and DP carried on as normal.

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 29/03/2018 17:34

I know the word ‘narcissistic’ gets applied to everyone who is self centred, but MIL’s behaviour is pretty classic. She has cut her son off from his relatives, she gives them the silent treatment for supposed slights or not rushing to do her bidding, (punishing) so that they will run begging for forgiveness. And he is so scared of her he does everything she wants for fear of more punishment.

I know what I’m talking about, I had a Narcissistic Personality disordered woman ruin my life and that of her second DH, and it always starts with separating and cutting ties between people, with no care or remorse for what they do as long as it is what they want. Please read up on NPD to see what you are dealing with, you may recognize even more traits in MIL than you’ve talked of.

RadioGaGoo · 29/03/2018 18:11

You don't sound manipulative at all OP. It also a bit presumptive to suggest that you might require childcare from MIL in the future. I thought the line trotted out to DIL's was not to expect childcare. You can't win OP

QueenDaisy · 29/03/2018 18:24

After reading various MIL stories on here, when children come along, unless your DP starts to stand up to her & back you up, I think she’ll be worse, hope you’ve had a nice birthday & have a nice weekend

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