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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL again

68 replies

ballerinarosebottom · 28/03/2018 11:04

MIL hasn't spoken to me for several months over a very petty issue.
She doesn't ask DP about me either. I've not made contact with her as, although I don't want any ill feeling, the pettiness of the issue is ridiculous and in some ways, I've enjoyed the silence if i'm honest.
She is obsessed with my DP and they have a very strong relationship.DP won't bring up the issue with her because he's scared of offending her.
She doesn't speak to any other of her family members and DP says she has a history of holding grudges.

It's my birthday tomorrow and she's not sent a card.
She's a very organised type and would normally send a card and present a week in advance at least, so I know it's not on it's way.

My question is, do I bring this up with DP, (we rarely ever speak about her these days, even though he is in contact with her daily) or do I act as if i don't care at all about it? I have a feeling my birthday weekend will be made 'all about her' if I let it get to me. I know it's only a card, but it's passive aggressive and I can't stand that kind of behaviour, it's upsetting me actually.

i know i'll get mixed comments but I just need to air it!

OP posts:
eggsandwich · 28/03/2018 21:30

Enjoy the silence, don’t comment about the lack of a card or a present as she wants you to be bothered by it.

If your Dp mentions about the lack of a card/present, just say “ oh I didn’t expected anything “ and change the subject as to what your going to do on your birthday.

Puffycat · 28/03/2018 21:36

Dealing with DP/DH family is often a minefield. It sounds a bit like he ain’t got your back generally. If you love him you may just have to put up with her shite. My advice is never slag her off to him, be polite but firm.
Do you really care if she sends you a card?
If they don’t matter they can’t hurt you.
Stay strong!

Puffycat · 28/03/2018 21:39

She doesn’t speak to any of the family?!
Burnt those bridges! She sounds lovely!
I’d be more concerned about your relationship with DP
Stay neutral about the fact that your MIL is a total old baggage and don’t let it effect your relationship

JoJoSM2 · 28/03/2018 22:08

YABVU to expect a card and a present from someone you aren't speaking too.

I also don't understand what games you're playing sending emails rather than you DP sorting her visits out. And you never even offered an alternative date so it's clear you didn't want her to visit.

Original poster
ballerinarosebottom · 28/03/2018 22:22

@MissEliza yes, I guess i was hoping a card would break the ice. I could then have made contact to thank her. It would maybe have felt more natural that way. You are absolutely right that she would rather cut her arm off than make the first move though.

@sockunicorn yep, she is pretty much used to having her own way. She has a lot of control over her own partner (and also my DP) and I know it pains her lose some of that control now we have our own home and want to start a family.

@Snowmagedon - yes, you've hit the nail on the head. The card is very significant from someone like her. She always sends cards well in advance, always organising gifts well far ahead and so on. DP is extremely passive. We've had discussions about this, I bring up the fact he speaks to her everyday, so surely I have come up in some of his conversations?! He has told me he will speak to her, I've asked him on numerous occasions about this, I say he needs to step in to stop the ill feeling, talk about me etc, but so far he 'hasn't go round to it'. The fact is he's scared of her.
The email was very, very polite, and came from both of us, but DP says his DM knew it was me who orchestrated the email and will 'throw her toys out of the pram' if there is even a sniff of something she dislikes.

He won't have noticed that she hasn't sent me a card, so i'm not sure if i should mention it or not. I know for sure she will be contacting him on my birthday though, which I guess is making me feel odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
ballerinarosebottom · 28/03/2018 22:26

@JoJoSM2 no, you've actually got all of that completely wrong. I don't expect a present from her, and I did offer an alternative date to her cancelled visit.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 28/03/2018 22:28

I would mention it to DH on your birthday e.g. 'No card from your mum then.'

This way he knows you've noted it and can't complain when you don't acknowledge her on her birthday.

She does sound toxic, and I would keep my distance.

Lacucuracha · 28/03/2018 22:29

Jojo - OP's posts make clear she offered an alternative date.

Snowmagedon · 28/03/2018 22:30

Glad I hit nail on head Grin I've had few issues on this and my posts been jumped on that I want gifts and cards..

It's not like that at all but its how my Mil expresses herself. With some people it's hit and miss, she is very on it. We know how we are favoured 😁. It's nice someone else has experience of this as it's proved a blind spot many times on here

Snowmagedon · 28/03/2018 22:31

Mines also a massive control freak! And of course she's the best abd has the best doesn't the best..

Original poster
ballerinarosebottom · 28/03/2018 22:42

I think a lot of people are quick to jump on the 'Yes you ABVU to expect a card' but there's a lot more to it than that. It's what it symbolises I think. And from someone who is used to being in control, this is her way of controlling how to express her feelings towards me and also ensuring my DP knows about it too, which makes me feel maybe I should keep quiet.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 28/03/2018 22:53

Your DP needs to step up. If you’re planning on starting a family he needs to decide where his loyalties lie

diddl · 29/03/2018 09:16

Well if she's not sent a card because she's "cross" with you-best to not care/react imo.

So who will be the one to next mention visiting?

Will your husband ask her soon just as a matter of course & everyone just pretends that nothing has happened?

Snowmagedon · 29/03/2018 09:28

Tricky he should be smoothing things over.. I also wouldn't want her to know card affected me.
I suppose it depends how long you have been together is marriage on cards, or dc? Because.. She isn't doing herself any favours!!

Original poster
ballerinarosebottom · 29/03/2018 09:35

She's desperate for grandchildren.
Me and DP have been together for 5 years. DP is 40 and me mid thirties so we are wanting to start family very soon.
She is cutting her nose off to spite her face when I think of the bigger picture.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/03/2018 09:41

How do you mean she's cutting her nose to spite her face?

boxyfingo · 29/03/2018 09:56

GreatDuck I think it means that this situation doesn't bode well for the future. If the MIL is going to be so stubborn and huffy about something so trivial now it could spoil the relationship so that she misses out on nice stuff like grandchildren further down the line.

Happy birthday Ballerina. I would leave communications to your DH from now on and let the MIL nonsense go over your head. You have said that she has form for holding a grudge so you know that this is all about her issues and not your fault.

pencilhoarder · 29/03/2018 10:02

Sorry for your situation, OP, but this won't improve, MIL doesn't want you around and DP sounds like a drip.

Are you sure this is the kind of future you had planned for yourself?

pencilhoarder · 29/03/2018 10:03

How do you mean she's cutting her nose to spite her face?

Could be in reference to the facelift Duck Grin

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/03/2018 10:08
Grin
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/03/2018 10:27

She's cutting off her nose to spite her face

You sound very manipulative.

If you're keen to make up, why does she have to make the first move? So you don't 'lose face'? So you can sit on your high horse?

Hold out an olive branch. Don't forget, grandmothers do usually make excellent babysitters. Don't cut off your own nose etc...

pencilhoarder · 29/03/2018 10:32

GreenFingers, you're assuming MIL cares and is reasonable - it seems she is not.

I think OP has shown forebearance, but as a 'package' MIL and DP are unappealing.

Original poster
ballerinarosebottom · 29/03/2018 10:37

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I don't think i'm manipulative at all. I can't be bothered being manipulative even if I wanted to. If someone wants to hold a grudge so strongly that they will miss out on future happiness with grandkids etc then that is their problem. MIL has missed out on her nieces and nephews growing up because of grudges with her siblings.

OP posts:
diddl · 29/03/2018 10:38

"but as a 'package' MIL and DP are unappealing."

Absolutely.

If he's scared of his mum then if they do have kids, he'll do his utmost to make sure that mummy dearest sees them as much as she demands won't he?

Original poster
ballerinarosebottom · 29/03/2018 10:47

@diddl yes I guess so. DP is pretty wet when it comes to these things. He won't change and he certainly won't stand up to his mother. When I met him I knew straight away that MIL was a huge figure and influence in his life. I suppose I did have amber warning lights flashing. He moved away from her as soon as he could growing up. But on the flip side he's very gentle and so on, so I can't have it all. But yes, i'd love it if he was more assertive and not a 'lie down and take it' type person.

OP posts: