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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a hen do. And to not want to do the traditional night apart before wedding

59 replies

ExhaustedAndHormonal · 28/03/2018 10:17

So we've booked wedding last wk for next yr. Absolutely buzzing.. Dp is constantly searching ideas for various bits. Think he's secretly more excited than me haha and love he's taking an interest

His best mate came the other r day and he asked him to be best man.. Then saying about stag do.. The conversation got onto my hen do and they were taken back by me saying I don't want one. I really don't. I'm. Not a huge drinker. I don't do Spas and stuff and last went to a nightclub probably when underage lol. So many years ago lol.

It's just not My thing to have all the fuss
( the thought of being centre of attention on the big day makes me feel sick.. So keeping it small)
Dp and his mate said oh you have to have one so u don't miss out and that I'd have fun... But I know I won't
Then the topics of tradition etc. And he said me and my best mate and sis should stay in a Hotel or something the night before wedding and he'd stay here with kids and sort them on the day etc.. But again.. Apart from being ill in hospital we've never stayed apart.. We're very close and always sit together etc so the thought of being apart fills me with dread..sad to be so loved up lmao.

This is all constantly on my mind. I want to be married and have a fab marriage.. But don't want fuss.
I'd love for him to go and have a great stag day/night. And I'd be more than happy staying in with a Chinese takeaway. But he says it's not fair. But surely if its my choice its perfectly fair?

OP posts:
ikeepaforkinmypurse · 28/03/2018 11:41

of course you don't have to have a hen do, but I understand that he would feel bad that he's doing something and you are not. You could compromise, and have a couple of friends around to share your takeaway with.

tellitlikeitispls · 28/03/2018 11:41

You honestly don't have to do what you don't want to do. Its about you and him.
We stayed in a hotel together the night before the wedding. I had a fab hen do that I organised (because I'm a control freak so I had to sort it all out myself LOL). He did not have a traditional stag do because that's not DH's thing.
Don't allow folk to pressure you. You won't regret not having something you don't want.

Weezol · 28/03/2018 11:49

The full-blown hen night is my idea of hell.

I went out with a bunch of friends and my Mum and MIL for a massive Chinese banquet at the place over the road, then for drinks in my local. There were no L plates, strippers or special t-shirts.

We did spend the night before apart, partly out of tradition but more for practicality really as our flat was tiny and trying to get ready under time pressure while climbing over each other would have been too much stress.

MidnightAura · 28/03/2018 11:58

My DH didn’t have a stag do - his choice. I didn’t want a hen do as I don’t drink. A few days before the wedding I went out with the bridesmaids and two friends Horse riding. It was a nice thing just the five of us. You don’t need a hen or stag do.

curious86 · 28/03/2018 12:32

I didn't have a hen do either, I'm like you it's just not my thing.
My husband didn't have a stag do but again that was his choice, we went away for our wedding so we were together until we started getting ready. At the end of the day it's about what you both want, if you don't want a hen do then don't have one. With regards to your husband wanting to be apart the night before that's something you both need to talk about and try to understand both views because your wedding is about both of you

curious86 · 28/03/2018 12:32

I didn't have a hen do either, I'm like you it's just not my thing.
My husband didn't have a stag do but again that was his choice, we went away for our wedding so we were together until we started getting ready. At the end of the day it's about what you both want, if you don't want a hen do then don't have one. With regards to your husband wanting to be apart the night before that's something you both need to talk about and try to understand both views because your wedding is about both of you

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/03/2018 12:35

It's your wedding, and you should do what makes you happy.

When I got married, hen dos were usually just a night out - pub/nightclub or a meal, and I chose to have a meal the night before my wedding - because that was when all the people I wanted there were going to be together. I had a lovely evening with lovely people - it worked for me, even though it wasn't a particularly traditional hen night.

You want to be able to look back on the day with pleasure - so you do the things you will enjoy, and don't do the things that won't - if you want to spend the night before the wedding at home with your dp, then do.

Actually - I think you could make it a really lovely evening - have something special to eat, and take a bit of time to relax together before the big day - make it something that adds to the joy of the whole thing.

CuppaSarah · 28/03/2018 12:37

Just invite a friend or two round for a takeaway and film night but call it your hen party. Then DH doesn't feel bad and you aren't forced into something you don't want. A hen do can be anything as long as the bride to be attends.

jo10000 · 28/03/2018 12:51

I didn't have a hen do and 25 years later do not regret it. If it's not your thing don't be persuaded. Enjoy the run up and the wedding!

JaneJeffer · 28/03/2018 12:55

I didn't have a hen do and we spent the night together before our wedding. 24 years ago! Do what pleases you.

specialsubject · 28/03/2018 12:59

if you've already got kids then obviously the concept of tradition is nonsense.

Do what you want, don't do what you don't want. No need for a ghastly shrieky event, my idea of hell too. Have a meal out with friends of both sexes, or don't. Doesn't matter.

bit concerned that the idea of being apart 'fills you with dread'. That's OTT even for a life partner. And don't let a one-day event take over the next year, that will get very boring indeed.

Lizzie48 · 28/03/2018 13:09

Entirely up to you. I had a meal out with friends, which was the done thing back in 2003 when I married my DH. The new style hen holiday which are now so popular wouldn't be my thing at all.

I can understand it seems silly to stay in separate locations the night before the wedding in your case, but it was a lovely moment when my DH saw me for the first time on the wedding day in my dress. Smile

SerenDippitty · 28/03/2018 13:13

Got married 28 years ago. I had a hen do mainly for the benefit of work colleagues as we weren't having an evening do to invite them to. It was just a meal out and clubbing and I would have been quite happy not to have one. We were apart the night before but we weren't living together anyway. Do what you feel comfortable with.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2018 13:16

Never understood hanging on to all this tradition when a couple is already living as a family with kids.

Don't have a hen do if you don't want to.

We eloped. No stag and hen do, woke up together. Married 16 years and 3 kids now.

Loyaultemelie · 28/03/2018 13:42

Nope I didn't have a hen do, not my thing at all (refuse politely all invitations to any too) nor did DH have a stag. We got married in Gretna Green and didn't spend the night before apart and it was lovely having breakfast together and getting ready. We even drove over together and I wouldn't have changed it for the world

LearnFromThePast · 28/03/2018 13:48

I didn’t have a hen night, we stayed together night before the wedding and he saw my dress before the day. It is your wedding and as long as the two of you are happy then break the traditions that don’t suit you

Original poster
ExhaustedAndHormonal · 28/03/2018 18:00

Thank you. Gonna sit and chat later when it's just us two.. X

OP posts:
Stillgameforalaugh · 28/03/2018 18:06

I had a lovely meal out with some friends before my wedding...i wouldn't go as far as to call it a hen night, it was just a lovely catch up.
We stayed in our house the night before the wedding... we had family staying nearby etc so we were getting organised together. We also walked home after our wedding meal and spent our first night as husband and wife in our bed which is what we wanted. We did get a funny look off a man walking his dog on the way home around midnight as I guess you don't often see a bride in a full skirted dress strolling along through a residential area at night😂

TurnipCake · 28/03/2018 18:08

I didn't have a hen do. After the stress of organising my best friend's one (who is a very chilled out person) I decided to be kind and not put her through the same Grin instead, she, my mum and I went out for a nice lunch.

Spent the night before the wedding apart, mainly because of logistics with guests (I had a couple of friends come to stay with me, his best man stayed at OH's flat with him) it was actually really nice.

TheFallenMadonna · 28/03/2018 18:11

I didn't have a hen do, although DH did the stag do thing. I went out for dinner with my mum, her husband and my sister.

rocketgirl22 · 28/03/2018 18:16

We didn't have a hen or stag do, not my cup of tea at all. We had a pre wedding dinner the night before with our guests to celebrate our last night not being married. It was wonderful!

Dh and I spent the night together before the wedding too, and loved talking about how nervous and excited we were, I can't imagine being with anyone else. The next morning we were so excited!!
I got ready with family, but that is the only time we were apart.

We still hate being apart. Be true to yourself and talk to your dp about it - it is not the best man's wedding it is yours.

BigPinkBall · 28/03/2018 18:20

I didn’t have a hen do, a few people were upset that I didn’t but they didn’t push it, I just went for a big meal out the night before with friends and family which is more ‘traditional’ in my opinion anyway, as it was my last night of freedom (as if!)

Clandestino · 28/03/2018 18:21

I didn't have any hen. I see way too many where I live as it's one of the favourite centres of hens and stags and OMG, how can those pasty or very badly fake tanned creatures stinking of stale booze find any partner, even willing to to marry them is beyond me.
And we have spent the evening and night before together, with our baby and my Mum cooking a nice dinner.
We had a lovely wedding, despite missing out on all the Bridezilla stuff. Another colleague of mine, who already suffered from OCD and depression before planned her wedding for more than a year. Everything had to be precisely as she planned, including the seating order, colour of napkins, hand-made cupcakes with guests names etc. A month afterward she had a total nervous breakdown and was off work for over a year, the wedding having largely contributed to that.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 28/03/2018 18:26

I went to the pub with 4 friends a week before. Just a normal night.

DH and I stayed together the night before the wedding and had breakfast together then split up for 3 hours to get ready.

YANBU.

cassgate · 28/03/2018 18:31

I did have a hen do but it was a very low key affair. Meal out with friends. I also had an unconventional wedding in that we spent the night together the night before and travelled to the wedding venue together. Dp gave me my wedding ring on the morning of our wedding as he didn’t want a wedding ring (hates jewellery) and we deleted the whole giving and receiving of rings thing from the service. We had our wedding photos before the service with just close family and the group ones were done at the pre meal drinks as casual photos as we greeted our guests. Didn’t even know they were being taken. The results were very natural just what we wanted. Because we had our poses photos beforehand, we were already there when the rest of the guests arrived and we stood at the front of our ceremony room whilst they came in to be seated. All in all we created a very unique day just for us. No reason at all why you can’t do the same as long as you agree it’s what you both want.

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