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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a hen do. And to not want to do the traditional night apart before wedding

59 replies

ExhaustedAndHormonal · 28/03/2018 10:17

So we've booked wedding last wk for next yr. Absolutely buzzing.. Dp is constantly searching ideas for various bits. Think he's secretly more excited than me haha and love he's taking an interest

His best mate came the other r day and he asked him to be best man.. Then saying about stag do.. The conversation got onto my hen do and they were taken back by me saying I don't want one. I really don't. I'm. Not a huge drinker. I don't do Spas and stuff and last went to a nightclub probably when underage lol. So many years ago lol.

It's just not My thing to have all the fuss
( the thought of being centre of attention on the big day makes me feel sick.. So keeping it small)
Dp and his mate said oh you have to have one so u don't miss out and that I'd have fun... But I know I won't
Then the topics of tradition etc. And he said me and my best mate and sis should stay in a Hotel or something the night before wedding and he'd stay here with kids and sort them on the day etc.. But again.. Apart from being ill in hospital we've never stayed apart.. We're very close and always sit together etc so the thought of being apart fills me with dread..sad to be so loved up lmao.

This is all constantly on my mind. I want to be married and have a fab marriage.. But don't want fuss.
I'd love for him to go and have a great stag day/night. And I'd be more than happy staying in with a Chinese takeaway. But he says it's not fair. But surely if its my choice its perfectly fair?

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 28/03/2018 10:21

Tell people that you have the planning under control and that your wedding is not in need of any input.

Tell your husband to be that you want your own type of wedding and not one dictated by silly traditions that you don't enjoy.

Then sit down with him, make sure that his wishes as far as his activities are included, but make it clear that your activities don't need any outside input at all and you're very happy to do it without the fuss.

Whyiseveryonesoangry · 28/03/2018 10:26

I didn’t have a hen do. We did spend the night before apart, but that was purely for convenience. The wedding venue was nearer my mums house than ours, the buffet afterwards was at my mums house, so I spent the day before there helping with food etc.
Like you I hated the thought of being centre of attention, so kept it small.
It’s your wedding, your rules!

CaffeineAndCrochet · 28/03/2018 10:26

He'll probably be much more inclined to listen when there's no best man there, offering his own opinion.

Weddings are weird. People claim you can have whatever type of day you want but whenever you mention not doing something 'traditional', there's usually surprise and an attempt to talk you into it so you don't 'miss out'. Just stick to your guns and don't tell people what you're planning until it's already been decided.

Bluelady · 28/03/2018 10:27

A hen do isn't obligatory and I can see why you don't want one. But spending the night before the wedding apart is actually really nice, it makes it really special when you see one another at the start of the ceremony. It would be much easier for you to get ready as well. Could you compromise by saying your night away before the wedding counts as your hen night?

YoucancallmeVal · 28/03/2018 10:28

I didn't have a hen do. And we stayed together the night before. My reasoning was that on a day I would be super excited and nervous, I wanted my best friend to share it with me. So we woke up together and had sex and champagne and got ready. It was lovely.

SluttyButty · 28/03/2018 10:42

I didn't have a hen do, not my thing. And we spent the night before in a hotel and met up with other wedding guests who'd travelled for a lovely dinner at a restaurant. But my wedding was a very relaxed affair so it suited us.

FloydOnThePull · 28/03/2018 10:44

I loved waking up next to DH on the morning of our wedding, having a cup of tea and getting excited together. You won't regret doing your wedding the way that feels best for you.

BothersomeCrow · 28/03/2018 10:58

I really enjoyed getting ready with DH, then he went off to calm my parents down when the hairdresser arrived.

Never had a hen do mostly as didn't get round to it, but at least four couples I know have had combined hag/sten events, usually some activity and a meal in a pub.

HollyBayTree · 28/03/2018 11:01

Dont do anything you dont feel comfortable with.

My opinion, a nice quiet meal with yoru girlfeinds/mum/sister etc a few weeks before the wedding ... could even couple it up with bridal shopping . An afternoon tea?

I never bothered either. waste of money

numptynuts · 28/03/2018 11:02

We eloped. No stag or hen do. No guests in fact and spent the day and night before together. It was what we wanted and no regrets whatsoever. It's your wedding, your life and do what you want!

AlpacaPicnic · 28/03/2018 11:04

I didn't have a hen night... I did take myself to a nice hotel when DH went on his stag do but that was mainly so I wouldn't be woken up by him crashing through the door like a drunk rhino at 2am...
Hotel night was awesome. I took a great book, a bottle of wine, had dinner in the restaurant and just chilled.

I did stay at my parents house the night before, well a couple of nights, so that it would be a surprise when I turned up in fancy clothes. That was nice actually, being fussed over by my mom.

But if you don't want to, you don't have to. Your wedding, your rulez Hun!

LexieLulu · 28/03/2018 11:05

We eloped too, got ready together morning of the wedding. No stag or hens really. There was an unofficial kinda pub putting but nothing where it's a set event costing a small fortune.

We did it our way. No regrets

GrockleBocs · 28/03/2018 11:08

We dropped lots of the traditional wedding bits for ours. I had a sedate hen night but DH chose not to have a stag do. We stayed at home together the night before the wedding. It felt right for us and it worked fine. No regrets!

thecatsthecats · 28/03/2018 11:11

Caffeine - that is my MIL to be all over!

Someone asked my fiance and I if we were having a traditional wedding, and she piped up before we could answer - "Ooh, not those two!" And she was right! We aren't. I was reassured that she knew we weren't that kind of people.

Except now whenever something comes up and we're not being traditional, she always seems surprised that we aren't doing the traditional option . She is especially fixated on the fact we're not getting an DJ (never had a good one - always been bad song choices or naff shouting over songs).

Giraffe888 · 28/03/2018 11:12

I get married in 3 weeks. I had a low key hen night on Saturday but DP isn’t having a stag do as he’s not bothered. We’re also spending the night before together. Do what makes you happy x

CatsCatsCats11 · 28/03/2018 11:12

Don't blame you, me and close family and friends are going for afternoon tea instead :-)

polkadotpixie · 28/03/2018 11:13

I just did a craft afternoon and went for a meal with friends for my hen do, the idea of male strippers and feather boas filled me with horror!

I also stayed at home the night before the wedding then went to my Mum's to get ready

Just do what you want!

dandelion102017 · 28/03/2018 11:17

Its your wedding, can do it however you want to! don't have to do something big as a hen night- what about a film night with the girls? and don't be nervous about the big day!! I was so worried about doing the vows but the way you stand you cant actually see anyone apart from the wedding party! really wish I had known that before, would have saved me worrying myself sick! x

MagicFajita · 28/03/2018 11:22

Whilst each of you should have the wedding/wedding prep that you want , I do see your point.

We recently married and didn't have hen/stag nights , we didn't spend the night apart and that was how we wanted it.

We've been together for years , we have family together and hotels and nights out would've just added to our expense.

It sounds like your dp wants all of that though so a compromise would be great for you both.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 28/03/2018 11:23

I am not married or engaged but don't think I would have a hen do either. I think I would find it all too stressful and secretly think no one wanted to come!

DP and I spend nights apart all the time so it wouldn't bother me either way if we spent the night before the wedding together or not but if you don't want to be apart its your wedding!

MyNameIsErm · 28/03/2018 11:25

We didn't have a hen / stag.
We stayed together the night before our weddding.
We even went in the spa at the hotel we got married in a few hours before we got married.
We were only apart for about 3 hours whilst we both got ready! Lol.

Still going strong 9 years on!

Superstitious nonsense is not on my radar.

Do what YOU want to do, you and your DH to be are what's important.
Congratulations!

TimesNewRoman · 28/03/2018 11:28

YANBU. Perfectly acceptable for you to have a Chinese takeaway with a couple of friends for a hen substitute.
Also perfectly acceptable to stay the night together beforehand too. I did.
Dont make things more complicated than you need to just for the sake of "the done thing".

Yoghurty · 28/03/2018 11:28

I didn't have a hen do and my DH and I went out for dinner the night before the wedding and stayed together in a hotel.

Full disclaimer- we eloped, so quite different! We did this to avoid all the 'tradition' that we didn't want and the pressure to give other people a 'good wedding'

Not suggesting you do this, but make sure it's the wedding that you both want, rather than for others. It makes a difference to how you'll feel afterwards, looking back. Many of our friends/acquaintances said they wished they'd skipped certain bits that they didn't really want but felt pressured to include.

Butterymuffin · 28/03/2018 11:31

Do what you want. Hen is totally up to you. If he wants to spend the night before apart, and you don't, then you need to compromise. He could go to a hotel himself and your sister etc come to the house. Or he could go to someone else's house to get ready but not till the day itself.

diddl · 28/03/2018 11:39

I had a bbq at my parents.

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