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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fed up of being treated as a personal chef?

67 replies

AllThatGlittersAintGold · 28/03/2018 10:15

Brief back story - DP has one DS (10) from previous marriage, we all live together - happy days.

I have always been the "cook" in our family, DP can cook but it isn't always edible, I have never minded doing the cooking as from day 1 i have always said we are having x y z for tea, everyone has always been fine with this, the exception being i would save "treats" for the weekend (home made pizza etc) as they always take the longest to prepare.

I work long hours (as does DP) so I usually use my slow cooker which again, has always worked well and always been fine.

Over the past 6 months DSS routine has been varied, he won't always have tea with us - he will either go to a friends house after school or his mum will ring DP and say she's having him after school or he will go to his grandmothers - whatever - we never know when he will be home for the night let alone have tea.

This is where the problem lies - there are a few things i cook that are DSS favorites, when we knew what evenings he was with us I always made sure I cooked those meals on those evenings, but as previously mentioned the routine has gone out of the window and I can no longer plan - he will ask if we can have X this week, i ask if he is here the following evening, he says yes so i promise to make it and then an hour before he is due home he will decide hes going elsewhere.

This doesn't necessarily bother me - what bothers me is then DP states we can't have that meal as it is DSS favourite and he will be upset if we have it without him?!
I have given in to this a few times thinking we can always have it the next day and I've scrabbled around for something else to cook that evening.

But the last few times I have done this, I've put it in the fridge for "the next day" and DSS didn't have tea with us for 5 evenings in a row, which meant we couldn't have that meal, which meant it got thrown out - i didn't think to freeze it because as far as i knew DSS was coming home the next day.

Last night was the last straw - we went shopping so obviously it would make sense to buy everything i needed for meals over the next week or so, plus being easter weekend shops will be busy and/or shut.
DSS asked for a particular meal, i said yes no problem i will do it tomorrow night to which DSS replied " i dont know if i'm going to be here"
I said ok fine I will do it Thursday evening then which was agreed - bought all the ingredients and decided to cook something DP and i both like for this evening. DSS then stated last night that he might not be here on the Thursday evening after all - the particular ingredients i needed for that meal will not keep very long or freeze.

DSS got wind of what we were having this evening (not one of DSS favourites) and started to get upset that he was going to miss out on this meal (hes never requested it before!)

To which point i got a little annoyed with DP and said look - i can't not cook something just because DSS might get upset - its HIS choice whether he comes home for tea or not, no one is forcing him to have tea with his friends, or his nan or anyone else for that matter.

I'm tired of not being able to plan just incase we have something that DSS would have enjoyed, its rediculous! I am wasting money buying ingredients which have to be used in a few days to then have to throw them out because DSS social life dictates when I can and can't cook things. From now on if DSS asks for something and i cook it and he doesn't come home, tough, we are going to have it for tea anyway.

DP thinks i'm being spiteful and unreasonable.

So am i?!

OP posts:
Inseoir · 28/03/2018 10:18

If your DP is so keen for his own son to have exactly the food he wants at exactly the time he dictates it, he can cook it his own fucking lazy self! Is your DP normally such an arsehole?

Booboobooboo84 · 28/03/2018 10:19

No your not being spiteful at all. I thInk a good compromise would be to make a weekly menu stick it on the wall. Pop a few of dss favourites on it and if he elects to not be there on those nights then it’s his choice.

Cathena · 28/03/2018 10:19

In no way are you being unreasonable. Tell him that from now on it will be a set menu each week and if DH disagrees he can bloody well cook himself. He sounds like a prick.

Original poster
AllThatGlittersAintGold · 28/03/2018 10:20

No he's not like this in any other aspect - he is just VERY protective over his DS, almost like a disney dad which is fine if that's how he wants to be but i refuse to do it. He always says "you will be exactly the same when we have our own children" - i really don't think i would be!

OP posts:
PianoCat · 28/03/2018 10:23

You are being perfectly reasonable. Sounds like they are both being too controlling. Time to lay down clear ground rules so dss stops messing you around.

Original poster
AllThatGlittersAintGold · 28/03/2018 10:23

Booboo - this is exactly what i have done for this week. Other than the one meal i haven't asked, i have stated we are having X Y Z on these particular nights this week and DSS has replied and said ohh i don't know if i will be here on Saturday night and i really like X.

Sorry - tough, I eat healthily during the week and one night on the weekend i like to have something special which i think i'm perfectly entitled to seeing as i do the cooking - i am flexible as to whether its Friday night or Saturday night but missing out completely on something i really enjoy because it doesn't fit in with DSS social calendar is starting to really annoy me.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 28/03/2018 10:25

He is very unreasonable and your house is not a restaurant. You can inform his boy when the meals he likes will be served and if he's not there, tough titty. Make that clear as well, because currently he's relying on his favourites being made available to him whenever he deigns to show up.

Then inform husband that if he wants to run the place like a restaurant, he can take care of the cooking. If he doesn't want to do the cooking, he gets to shut up about how it's done.

Schlimbesserung · 28/03/2018 10:26

I think I'd start insisting on more notice too, if he isn't going to be at home. As it is, everyone else (DSS, his mum, his gran, his mates) gets to make last minute arrangements and you just have to go along with it.
If he's old enough to be eating elsewhere on a school night then he's old enough to plan a couple of days ahead.

elspinsdemariscal · 28/03/2018 10:27

YADNBU in the slightest.

Original poster
AllThatGlittersAintGold · 28/03/2018 10:27

Oooh i like that one windows! I did also state the only way I will continue to be a personal chef is if i'm paid the going rate Grin

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 28/03/2018 10:29

Your DP is being ridiculous. No-one I know behaves like that with their DC.

A meal plan and sticking to it sounds very sensible. It's up to DSS whether that particular dinner, or his other activity and its associated dinner, is more important.

Maybe one day he'll say 'sorry Granny / Mum / friend, I can't visit tonight because we're having X for dinner and it's my favourite'. This will pass on the burden of decision-making about catering to the other party - they cook what he wants or they don't see him when they want. Result.

I think you're being very relaxed and accommodating about his ever-changing plans already.

bonnyshide · 28/03/2018 10:31

Have a whiteboard up in your kitchen with this weeks menu plan, Mon - Sun. Include some of DSS favourites on days you think he'll be with you, stick to it whether the family's plans change or not.

If DH wants certain meals for when DSS is around, he can cook them for him himself. As long as you are the one cooking then you get to choose the meal plan.

throwcushions · 28/03/2018 10:34

Sounds like your DP is worried that if DSS doesn't get his favourites then he won't ever want to be there for dinner. Sounds like he might end up spoiling him if he's not careful.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/03/2018 10:42

I'm slightly amazed by how much of a big deal DSS makes about food... but agree with everyone else... Tell him when you're making it X Y and Z, it's then up to him to decide if he wants to be there for it or not. Does he throw bratty fits about everything else if it's not to his liking or all about him?

And yes, tell your DH to shut up and cook up.

dandelion102017 · 28/03/2018 10:46

you are not being unreasonable!!!! I have a chalkboard in my kitchen (cheap out of primark) and it has the list of meals for that week on it- what we are have mon, tue ect- and not that I enjoy doing it! but it works out cheaper, less food waste, no one asking me 300 times whats for tea! I would try and do the same so he knows what days you are having certain meals on and if he decides not to be in for it then it was his choice! x

justmatureenough2bdad · 28/03/2018 10:46

isn't this just part of being a parent? you say yourself that "you are the cook" in the family... that means you deal with the associated moans/grumbles/requests around meals

sure i buy the ingredients for meals that i will cook during the week, but i don't mind being flexible about what we have on any given day if DW or kids express a preference... it's not really that much effort to change meal plans... yes sometimes it's frustrating if something gets wasted, but that could be applied to any number of things... particularly when it comes to spending on kid's things

don't know whether it's deliberate, but you say "i am wasting money..." is it not family money? is there a little bit of you going "he's not even my son.." things like this and your requirement to plan and stick to it start to make you sound a bit mean

on the whole, yes a bit more notice would be nice, yes, you could pass some of the responsibility on to DH, but i don't think your DH is being that wrong by wanting his son to have stuff he likes.... isn't that natural?

dandelion102017 · 28/03/2018 10:47

Ahhhh sorry didn't see your post bonnyshide!!!! x

TheViceOfReason · 28/03/2018 10:48

Meal plan, stick it on the fridge so all can see, and if DS chooses to be elsewhere that is his issue.

Idontdowindows · 28/03/2018 10:49

I did also state the only way I will continue to be a personal chef is if i'm paid the going rate

Top end market rates, of course :D

Inseoir · 28/03/2018 10:51

Not everyone can afford to just waste food justmature - some families have a very tight budget and throwing stuff away is a real problem. Even without a tight budget there's no way I'd chuck perfectly good food because a child kept changing his mind about when he'd be home for dinner.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/03/2018 10:52

I have never yet known a child to say 'oh, I won't go to xxx house tonight, because we've got xxxxx for tea'.

Maybe my kids just weren't that interested in food? Your DH and DSS seem to be a bit fixated. Just cook what you are going to cook and eat it, if DSS misses out on a 'meal he likes', well, you can cook it again next week, can't you? Eventually he will co incide with it!

You can't run your life according to the whims of someone who isn't even there half the time.

Idontdowindows · 28/03/2018 10:55

it's not really that much effort to change meal plans

IF you have the time, IF you have the money to waste ingredients and IF you don't have to keep changing plans.

To be fair, I was (as was my mother and hers before her) very much a "this is what we're eating, like it or lump it" person.

On the upside, that means basically they'll eat whatever's put in front of them. In my case it's other half that's the picky eater (limited palate combined with food allergies), so planning and buying beforehand make life a whole lot easier and less expensive.

StormTreader · 28/03/2018 10:57

Sounds like his dad is trying to use the promise of his favourite meals to "lure" him back home and show how hes such an important part of the family, and the son is using these meals as a perpetual "eh, maybe tomorrow" to retain that sense of "im the important one here and its all about me".
Its the same strategy bosses use with raises "just keep working hard, I'm sure NEXT week the paperwork will come through".

Pick your days and stick to them.
You could even try the "you're hardly ever home at the moment so we arent cooking [favourite meal] at all this week". You may find that without feeling like everyone is sat at home pining after him, he starts coming home for meals a little more than he did.

realisticallynot · 28/03/2018 10:58

You're not being unreasonable at all. I've a teen who has an independent social life. I shop fortnightly for evening meals, and have a list of fourteen different meals on the fridge that I have shopped for. She works two evenings a week so won't be in for those. One evening a week she stays here with her boyfriend, one evening she stays at his house. The other three evenings are anyone's guess - last night she went to her grans after college and ate there. The rule we have is that she needs to let me know if she wants dinner by about 4. If she is out and doesn't let me know she will be home, I will assume she isn't in for dinner and cook accordingly.

There are always basic meals available, so if she forgets to let me know she is eating here she can make herself some pasta or an omelette instead.

StormTreader · 28/03/2018 10:59

Now I think about it, you're actually doing quite a good non-romantic example of the classic "pick me" dance.

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