To be fed up of being treated as a personal chef?

[AllThatGlittersAintGold]

Brief back story - DP has one DS (10) from previous marriage, we all live together - happy days.

I have always been the "cook" in our family, DP can cook but it isn't always edible, I have never minded doing the cooking as from day 1 i have always said we are having x y z for tea, everyone has always been fine with this, the exception being i would save "treats" for the weekend (home made pizza etc) as they always take the longest to prepare.

I work long hours (as does DP) so I usually use my slow cooker which again, has always worked well and always been fine.

Over the past 6 months DSS routine has been varied, he won't always have tea with us - he will either go to a friends house after school or his mum will ring DP and say she's having him after school or he will go to his grandmothers - whatever - we never know when he will be home for the night let alone have tea.

This is where the problem lies - there are a few things i cook that are DSS favorites, when we knew what evenings he was with us I always made sure I cooked those meals on those evenings, but as previously mentioned the routine has gone out of the window and I can no longer plan - he will ask if we can have X this week, i ask if he is here the following evening, he says yes so i promise to make it and then an hour before he is due home he will decide hes going elsewhere.

This doesn't necessarily bother me - what bothers me is then DP states we can't have that meal as it is DSS favourite and he will be upset if we have it without him?!
I have given in to this a few times thinking we can always have it the next day and I've scrabbled around for something else to cook that evening.

But the last few times I have done this, I've put it in the fridge for "the next day" and DSS didn't have tea with us for 5 evenings in a row, which meant we couldn't have that meal, which meant it got thrown out - i didn't think to freeze it because as far as i knew DSS was coming home the next day.

Last night was the last straw - we went shopping so obviously it would make sense to buy everything i needed for meals over the next week or so, plus being easter weekend shops will be busy and/or shut.
DSS asked for a particular meal, i said yes no problem i will do it tomorrow night to which DSS replied " i dont know if i'm going to be here"
I said ok fine I will do it Thursday evening then which was agreed - bought all the ingredients and decided to cook something DP and i both like for this evening. DSS then stated last night that he might not be here on the Thursday evening after all - the particular ingredients i needed for that meal will not keep very long or freeze.

DSS got wind of what we were having this evening (not one of DSS favourites) and started to get upset that he was going to miss out on this meal (hes never requested it before!)

To which point i got a little annoyed with DP and said look - i can't not cook something just because DSS might get upset - its HIS choice whether he comes home for tea or not, no one is forcing him to have tea with his friends, or his nan or anyone else for that matter.

I'm tired of not being able to plan just incase we have something that DSS would have enjoyed, its rediculous! I am wasting money buying ingredients which have to be used in a few days to then have to throw them out because DSS social life dictates when I can and can't cook things. From now on if DSS asks for something and i cook it and he doesn't come home, tough, we are going to have it for tea anyway.

DP thinks i'm being spiteful and unreasonable.

So am i?!

Does DSS actually dislike anything you cook though?

If there are dishes you and DH like that DSS wouldn't, it would make sense to eat those on days he's not with you - and having no idea when that would be could be a problem, if you'd been expecting a day without him then found him with you for seven nights running.

Otherwise though, he likes everything. He's not enduring food he dislikes. He's just missing out on one of his - apparently many - favourites, because he's chosen to do something more fun that night.

I don't understand why your household has to function like a hotel but his Mum's and Granny's don't (or do they?).

He lives with you, so it's not as if his dad has the true Disney 'if he doesn't love coming here he won't visit' motivation.

Or is it that he doesn't really enjoy seeing his Mum or Granny, so feels he's doubly missing out? That would be a different issue.

It sounds like his dad is setting him up for a fall, when he finds that life isn't perfectly tailored to him and other people's preferences are important too. Though he probably does know this by age 10 and through visiting friends' houses!

He could grow up to be a nightmare partner himself, if he believes, even as an unconscious expectation, that 'the wife' should cater to his whim and always put him first.

How about getting him involved in cooking sometimes, so he can learn to be the awesome cook of lovely dinners? That would set him in good stead for future dating and partnership!

Not unreasonable at all. Sounds like you've always made an effort to make his favourite foods on a regular basis, and that you are remarkably patient and accommodating with his just not turning up for dinner with barely any notice (something I wouldn't be as tolerant about if it happened regularly).

When he asks for a particular dish say cheerfully "yes of course DSS, which night would you like it?" Then when he chooses the evening, just stick to it. His choice if he's not there. I cannot see why DP thinks he has any cause to complain - you sound like a great partner and stepmum!

That arrangement wouldn’t be happening here. A 10 yo dictating where he fancies eating & sleeping every night. Nope.

If DH said I was being unreasonable & spiteful because I wasn’t chopping & changing what I cooked for dinner to fit in around a 10 year old deciding where he felt like eating & sleeping would get told he was now in charge of his and his DS’s dinners. Job done.

I would also stop anything I was doing to facilitate this nonsense, such as work days/hours, social arrangements etc. If his parents want tonallow him total control over where he spends his time, they can do the short notice running around to facilitate it.

Ahh yes there is the other problem lottie - i absolutely LOVE prawn stir fry, (king prawn specifically!) and DSS absolutely hates the smell, the sight the taste of it - he would physically be sick from the smell -again never a problem when we he had a routine and we knew he wouldn't be here, but now i never know when i can have it - the prawns i used to buy are frozen and you have to defrost them thoroughly (and then you cant re-freeze them) so not like i can just throw them back in the freezer if DSS changes his mind and comes home but ultimately i can't take a chance on buying them either.

He used to be actively involved in helping me cook which he enjoyed, we would often bake a cake on the weekend together, but of course that hasn't happened for a good while now due to his varying schedule.
These days he's not involved in the actual cooking, he will sit in the room and play on his xbox....

Yes mum and granny will accommodate his needs, he eats whatever he wants as long as its takeaway....

I should add, I will sometimes choose to cook something she doesn't like (but the rest of us do) if I know she isn't in, and vice versa, so I can understand shuffling the meal plans about. But I wouldn't cook one thing and then not eat it because her plans change, that's madness. Could you not just pop his portion in a tub in the freezer when he does this, so that he can enjoy his favourites when he does eventually show up (and can't therefore moan that he has missed out). That should remove the power struggle, which is what this is.

If that isn't an acceptable solution then what dss and dp are suggesting is that you shouldn't eat anything nice that ds likes without him being there which is madness.

Re the prawns, just pick an evening when you know he's not going to be there and tell him in advance that you will be cooking prawns. Then if he comes home he knows what to expect and can have a sandwich and then stay upstairs if he hates the smell that much. Again, this is normal - it's just that most DC don't have the option of "going to mum's/granny's" just because their parents are cooking something they don't like.

And I've just realised he is 10. You are all setting yourself up for some very 'interesting' teenage years if this is how he is allowed to dictate at the age of 10. Brace yourselves...

My advice is that you continue to plan your meals, buy your ingredients.

Get a whiteboard/blackboard for the kitchen.
Write up each days meals against the day of the week.
Do not err from the plan.

This way everyone knows in advance which meal is on which night, and it's up to DSS if he is there or not. Do not continue to pander or waste food on his account.

He always says "you will be exactly the same when we have our own children" - i really don't think i would be!

Sometimes this does happen, but as anyone on MN will tell you its not a good thing, its not something to aspire to - and it sounds like this is a way of manipulating you, its like DSS is getting some "control" out of it. You say he used to cook with you and now he's just on his xbox or whatever, that IS normal, and you will get more of that as he gets older - 10 now, wait till he's 15! But this is probably the last chance you will get to sort food out.

So you are having x y and z on a b and c nights, you will try to accommodate DSS but you are not throwing any more food away or changing any plans. You are right to be concerned at this.

I feel your pain, i have 2 SS who stay with us at weekend and i have a rotation of 4 meals i can make as they are the only meals that all of us will eat! I'll eat anything and so will SS1 but DP and SS2 are so fussy but in the complete opposite ways, like DP will not go near fish whereas SS2 loves fish and SS2 doesn't like pasta but thats DP's favourite! It's a nightmare but I refuse to make separate meals, my kitchens not big enough for that shit. When I get asked what's for tea the reply is always just 'food' that way no one can moan that they didn't really want it or whatever, its tough luck. Once its made you either eat it or you starve so I think your right to just eat the meals even if it will upset the SS, maybe next time he will come home then so he doesn't miss out. I think your DP is ridiculous to expect you to keep a meal in the fridge for days on end on the off chance your SS comes for tea, what a waste of a decent meal & money - I would have ate that on the sly for lunch the next day and say I had to bin it cos it was off!

I think you should get a meal plan board/whiteboard.

Write on this what meals you are having on what days. DSS can see.

If he doesn't eat with you he misses that meal

I think you have the right to be annoyed.
I think you should say we're havin X Y Z these nights if your at home that's what you've got if your not then you won't have it.
I've been in a similar situation and it's so annoying when you try to please everyone else but you get it thrown back at you.
Under no circumstances should a 10 year old be deciding what you can have and when your DP needs to sort that out

You are not being unreasonable. Is a possible compromise that there is a couple of things DSS likes in the freezer? You have as planned or the week and if he really wants something on a different day he can. I like realisticallynot solution too.

Just stop cooking. It's not worth it if you apparently can't do a y thing right anyway.

Sorry but the more details the give, the more ridiculous I find the whole situation of a 10-year dictating where he wants to be and where/what he eats every evening with no planning and no routine. Totally setting up for a spoilt teenager in a few years.

Time to get him back into a routine.

Bloody hell, my family get what they're given and are grateful for it. Obviously I wouldn't cook anything they detest but otherwise it's my call ... anyone who wants different is welcome to cook themselves but funnily enough they rarely do because they'd rather sit on their arse watching Pointless than stand in a hot kitchen. There's no way on earth a 10 year old child - or his childish sounding father - would be allowed to dictate the menu I plan, I shop for and I make happen.

And to be honest, at 10, my children wouldn't be allowed to swan off after school to wherever they fancied at such short notice either. As you're finding out (and obviously don't need to be told) it's totally disruptive to day to day family life when this happens regularly. Again, your DH should be managing this and telling his son he comes home unless prior arrangements have been made, or, he calls to check if it'd be okay on the understanding that he might well be told no!

You are definitely not being unreasonable, if the responsibility of buying the household food and cooking the meals is down to you then, you decide the menu, certain meals depend on preparation and cooking time as well as, on how long a day you have had t by all means, give everyone in the house a say in menu planning likes dislikes so everyone is catered for.

as others have mentioned set a menu then it is up to your stepson to be home on the days when it is something he likes,

a way I often handle mealtime situations when DSS has something to say about a meal is and i quote "when you contribute to the financial cost and physical act of preparing food you are welcome to have more of a say currently you are 10 years old and will have, what I have time to prepare after a long day, and what is set for this day, it is a meal you enjoy therefore it is no problem we are eating this tonight"

it may seem harsh but I'm pretty old fashioned like that, I never cook him food he dislikes it is just he may not agree with the choice of meal for that day, he also knows I freeze meat and poultry, I will gladly adjust the weekly menu if I have a day notice to pull out the correct meat or buy anything extra for it, and he has finally grasped there is absolutely no point in asking me for bolognaise on a night when it is chicken at 5 pm as I am about to start cooking, as the mince is frozen.

the phrase can often be adapted to things when he wants me to upgrade to fibre broadband which is currently hellish expensive in our area haha "when you contribute financially to the household you will have a say in how the money is spent,"

jheez i sound like my mother

I think you should insist on fixed nights for visits to his Mum and grandmother's. But with some flexibility. It's absolutely no use if you don't know whether he'll be there for a meal or not barring a few odd times. And letting you know on the day is just too late or would be for me. You're not a café service. I agree he's messing you about a bit as a control thing.

He's 10? FFS he's calling the shots on what you actually EAT?

If your DP is using this as a 'thing' to lure his S to the house, the BEST way of doing it is actually letting his DS miss a few favourites!

Nothing will show him more than this that communicating with you, making plans and sticking to them are the only ways he will get what he needs.

The other thing is... You DON'T need to defrost prawns for hours before you cook a stirfry, they go into water (cool not hot) and keep changing it until the prawns are defrosted while you are preparing everything else. so with something as simple as stirfry you can leave this to the last minute or have it as a standby.

Just cook what you want, when you want, DSS will soon see what he needs to do and he'll be a lot less flakey.

Sounds like the boy will eat pretty much most things, and if he does show up at short notice, I'm sure there is something he could have that's a bit more thrown together or a freezer standby option.

I would not be publishing a menu, this is a home, where people who are doing the cooking can change their minds when they want to, as they are the ones with their sleeves rolled up.

I kind of have the opposite with my OH and his DC, in that they won't eat complicated or overly spicy food - although they will try everything and absolutely are getting more adventurous, so I have high hopes.

So we have every other weekend to think about more expected foods, but I have the other weekend to try new things and sometimes we find new dishes his DC will probably like.

You have a DP problem mostly, you cant have a 10 yo calling the shots like this, sure we like to give them things they like, but that doesn't mean we go without. If something is bought in it can perhaps wait a day or so, but then it has to be used.

Also, not about food but isn't the 'making decisions on the day' approach to where he's staying going to open up huge scope for bad behaviour in his teenage years?

Do his parents and GM always confirm with each other that he's coming and has arrived? Sounds like there's a lot of scope for him to manipulate such a casual set-up to bunk off with his friends, in not very many years' time.

High time your DP took over cooking for his son at least some of the time. Then he can see how frustrating it is when plans change.

Another thought: I'm not convinced it's a great idea to allow a 10-year-old to get into the expectation that they can just absent themselves from home whenever they like without the parent having anything to say about it. Is DP going to be as chilled out about this arrangement as he is now when his son is 15 and expecting to be allowed to be out exactly when he likes, where he likes and with whom he likes because he has got used to deciding for himself where he spends the night?

Is he overweight? This obsession with food sounds incredibly unhealthy. My kids have their favourite meals, sure, we all do but they don't get obsessed and fixated on them. Dinner should just be part of what happens when he's with his dad not the entire focus of every visit. I have no idea how you tackle this though except try some of the advise given to ignore the insanity, make what you're making and he eats that or starves. As long as its not something he hates, it's how most kids are fed!

Oh OP this is making my blood pressure rise! I sometimes feel a bit like this with DH's never-ending list of things he won't eat. His dietary requirements can change very suddenly with a full fridge, and then it's the wounded-puppy look when I suggest he at least finish up the stuff we have. To be fair to him he does at least very much acknowledge and appreciate my efforts. I sometimes wonder whether these inconvenient dietary changes would be quite so pressing if he were the one having to cater to them though, rather than just declaring them and waiting for them to be followed, a la Personal Chef.

Don't be too harsh on the boy though - teenagers are daft and selfish because they have no idea what effort goes into managing a shopping list and a fridge, I'm sure he'll look back on his demands and cringe one day! Just tell him you plan meals in advance, and you can't cook to his plans because they're always changing, so he'll have to plan to your meals instead. Annoyingly, this will involve your actually writing out a week's meal plan, which I'd struggle to do, but it'll be worth it in the long run. Then next time you get the "won't be coming home tonight" message say "that's a shame, since we're having your favourite fajitas!" and if you get a whinge, just say "sorry, everything's prepped - check the meal plan next time." He'll get the message quickly enough that meal plans no longer change to suit his schedule.

Meanwhile, you'll have to be very blunt with your DH, who is the real unreasonable one here. Just tell him your previous attempts at flexibility led to stress and food wastage, so from now on you'll do your best to plan favourite meals based on the boy's plans, but that if they change with no notice, it will be deemed too late.

I'm surprised you haven't mentioned quantities being an issue. If I never knew whether to expect two or three for dinner it'd drive me potty.

Sorry, just seen he's 10, not a teenager. For some reason I took him to be about 14.