To be fed up of being treated as a personal chef?

[AllThatGlittersAintGold]

Brief back story - DP has one DS (10) from previous marriage, we all live together - happy days.

I have always been the "cook" in our family, DP can cook but it isn't always edible, I have never minded doing the cooking as from day 1 i have always said we are having x y z for tea, everyone has always been fine with this, the exception being i would save "treats" for the weekend (home made pizza etc) as they always take the longest to prepare.

I work long hours (as does DP) so I usually use my slow cooker which again, has always worked well and always been fine.

Over the past 6 months DSS routine has been varied, he won't always have tea with us - he will either go to a friends house after school or his mum will ring DP and say she's having him after school or he will go to his grandmothers - whatever - we never know when he will be home for the night let alone have tea.

This is where the problem lies - there are a few things i cook that are DSS favorites, when we knew what evenings he was with us I always made sure I cooked those meals on those evenings, but as previously mentioned the routine has gone out of the window and I can no longer plan - he will ask if we can have X this week, i ask if he is here the following evening, he says yes so i promise to make it and then an hour before he is due home he will decide hes going elsewhere.

This doesn't necessarily bother me - what bothers me is then DP states we can't have that meal as it is DSS favourite and he will be upset if we have it without him?!
I have given in to this a few times thinking we can always have it the next day and I've scrabbled around for something else to cook that evening.

But the last few times I have done this, I've put it in the fridge for "the next day" and DSS didn't have tea with us for 5 evenings in a row, which meant we couldn't have that meal, which meant it got thrown out - i didn't think to freeze it because as far as i knew DSS was coming home the next day.

Last night was the last straw - we went shopping so obviously it would make sense to buy everything i needed for meals over the next week or so, plus being easter weekend shops will be busy and/or shut.
DSS asked for a particular meal, i said yes no problem i will do it tomorrow night to which DSS replied " i dont know if i'm going to be here"
I said ok fine I will do it Thursday evening then which was agreed - bought all the ingredients and decided to cook something DP and i both like for this evening. DSS then stated last night that he might not be here on the Thursday evening after all - the particular ingredients i needed for that meal will not keep very long or freeze.

DSS got wind of what we were having this evening (not one of DSS favourites) and started to get upset that he was going to miss out on this meal (hes never requested it before!)

To which point i got a little annoyed with DP and said look - i can't not cook something just because DSS might get upset - its HIS choice whether he comes home for tea or not, no one is forcing him to have tea with his friends, or his nan or anyone else for that matter.

I'm tired of not being able to plan just incase we have something that DSS would have enjoyed, its rediculous! I am wasting money buying ingredients which have to be used in a few days to then have to throw them out because DSS social life dictates when I can and can't cook things. From now on if DSS asks for something and i cook it and he doesn't come home, tough, we are going to have it for tea anyway.

DP thinks i'm being spiteful and unreasonable.

So am i?!

Hi OP. What everyone else said, plus your marriage has about 4-5 years left if this sort of thing doesn't stop. DSS already knows there's no united front, but the teenage selfishness isn't in full effect. When it arrives, and he lashes out verbally or god forbid physically, your DH will have to make a choice. On current evidence, he'll make the wrong one.

This is a DP problem, do not pander to either of them. They treat you like a short order cook because you’ve been acting like one.

Why are you letting a ten year old rule the entire household?
No wonder you are fed up to the back teeth.

Make a meal plan for the week, post it up in the kitchen and stick to it come hell or high water.
If they complain about it, defend it with comments about reducing food waste, economy drive, convenient for the cook etc etc.

When your DP wants to swap meals around because they are son's favourites, tell him to grow up.

Get onto the mother and tell her you need notice when the child's routine is going to be altered or it won't be happening. Tell the child an adult will decide where and when he will he will be spending his time.

They are massively taking advantage of your good nature, do you really want to fritter away the next ten years or so of your life on people who show you such scant regard?

Try a few weeks of missing out his favourite meals that way neither DSS or DH can complain.How do you manage with quantities though?You must always have left overs on days he doesn't turn up.

Quimreaper - yes quantities are also an issue - but DP never sees this as a problem - again i'm being unreasonable because taking out 3 pieces of chicken from the freezer to defrost and then DSS not turning up isn't a big deal - DP will have the chicken for lunch the next day.

Fair enough but seems like such a waste when you add it up if i'm defrosting say 6 pieces of chicken a week but actually only end up using 4 because DSS doesn't turn up, then that adds up to 24 pieces of chicken a month and only 16 pieces being used for meals - the other 8 pieces could have been saved for proper meals rather than being picked at over lunch and having a cheaper alternative such as cheese/ham which is what he would usually have.

But DP doesn't see my way of thinking - he just thinks its no big deal and im over reacting over something petty!

Thats it - im sticking to my plans for the weeknd! i will accommodate one favourite meal on Thursday as he did tell me yesterday he wouldn't be here tonight - thats fine, i'm still going ahead with something me and DP like for this evening.

Tomorrow will be the thing he originally asked for whether he arrives or not.
Thursday I will ask which evening he will be here over the weekend, if he doesn't know i will say fine then we are having X friday, Y Saturday (one of MY favourites also!) and Z sunday but i won't be changing them unless he knows for definite right now which days he will and won't be here.

Just need to prepare myself for the fall out now

Ada- don't even get me started on the Mother - she encourages this behaviour, she is the one that chops and changes when she is going to see him or will ring DP at 3pm announcing she is collecting DSS from school for the evening, and it doesn't seem to bother DP - which is why i think DSS is turning out to be the same - no one in his life (except me) seems to mind all this chopped and changed behaviour so he does it himself.

I don't mind the odd switching of meals but constantly changing is just a piss take. Especially when you are doing the cooking.

We do a shop every Sunday for the week with only grabbing the odd extra thing during the week. So Saturday night or Sunday morning I write the list, including what meal is for what day. These will only be changed with atleast one days notice like if DSS knows he has sports so will be late and hungry so was switch for a bigger meal. Without notice it's basically tough shit.
I would try having a list written somewhere which states what meal is for which day then your ss can check it and decide whether he's willing to miss the meal. Then give him the option of changing something but only with one days notice.
Also don't give up the food you love because he can't stand it. Most food problems are mind over matter so just do him a quick dinner early and do yours alittle later and tell him to avoid downstairs while you cook and eat. Then spray some air freshener around. He will get over it if he has no choice.

It's really time for your DP to do the cooking. How will he ever get better at it unless he practises? It's as mad as taking two driving lessons then claiming you can't drive.

quit cooking, quit buying the food for a whole month let DP do it then see how things change!

you may have a month of crap meals, a trashed kitchen piles of dishes and a high risk of food poisoning but it will be worth it so DP and DSS may actually appreciate what you do for them more, also DP will see how much food and how much it costs is going to waste.

You can say no to last minute visits to friends- even if you have to allow his Mum to come and go as she pleases simply because of who she is.

I agree with other posters. You're setting yourselves up for far bigger problems than a bit of wasted chicken in the long run if your DH refuses to set any boundaries.

YANBU OP for a whole load of reasons.

But agree with PPs that DSS sounds unreasonably obsessed with food. I don't know a single 10 year old who would get upset about missing a particular meal.

The alternative to the whiteboard is to just not tell him what you had for dinner when he's not there.

Definitely a weekly "menu" board, which should say:

Monday - Prawn Stir Fry
Tuesday - Prawn Stir Fry
Wednesday - Prawn Stir Fry
Thursday - Prawn Stir Fry
Friday - Prawn Stir Fry
Saturday - Prawn Stir Fry
Sunday - Prawn Stir Fry

Seriously though, I think it might be useful to show this almost unanimously YANBU thread to your DP.

I wouldn;t be putting up a whiteboard or a menu - who does that ? You aren't a restaurant. And that is not how you would be with your own children. Most people make a meal and the children eat it - either happily because it is their favourite or because they are hungry or they pick at it a bit because it isnt their favourite and you can give them a bit of toast and an apple later if they need filling up.

your Dh sounds bonkers - and encouraging his DS to think that meals are all revolving round him is crazy too. If he happebns to be there when you are serving one of his favourites - great lucky him. If he happens not to be there then hard luck this time, he might be there next time you make it.

I also think that if you are not told until last minute that someone is coming for dinner, then it is their hard luck if you haven;t thawed enough from the freezer for them - you can;t be taking out enough for him to see it constantly wasted.

Keep a packet of frozen sausages or something in the freezer so that if DSS turns up unexpectedly then you can shove a couple of those on for him, at 10 he is old enought to understand that people need notice for mealtimes and if you don;t give notice, you take pot luck. Ohterwise he will turn into one of those selfish teenagers who think they can drift in and out at any old time and there will be a meal waiting for them.

Menus, whiteboards, ??? - Who bloody faffs around like that? you've got a life too, you aren't their dogsbody. If they don't like it they can cook for themselves (and if your DP can't cook then he should learn). I think you should really put your foot down or they'll start trying to take advantage of your good nature over other stuff as well.

One other thought - do you and/or DH never go out in the evening? Surely, sometimes, the two of you take advantage of DSS being at his Mum's or GM's and go out somewhere? So, maybe eating out, not cooking at all?

Do you never go out with your own friends, or for an evening class, or meeting and leave DH to fend for himself?

As someone who plans ahead and cannot comprehend this laissez faire 'coming and going whenever' approach, I'd be booking a restaurant, theatre etc weeks ahead and making sure DSS would be elsewhere. It seems to me a massive constraint not to be able to plan ahead - I couldn't live like that.

But even with no forward planning, there must be nights when you go out and don't cook, so DSS can't just turn up unexpectedly, or would have to expect his Dad's cooking, or just something out of the freezer if he did.

Are you all total homebodies? Or are you actually running a hotel, staffed 24/7?

I don't think it's weird or worrying that he's engaging with the meal plan, just very over-indulged - he's obviously been given to believe that meals revolve around him, and so has developed a finnicky self-centred approach. Most kids aren't consulted on meals, which is why they wouldn't think to try and "dictate" other peoples' cooking.

I would simply make a meal plan at the start of the week, put it up in the kitchen. Say if people want that meal they need to either be in that night or make their own. Say you're happy to provide meals for everyone but can't be given the run around at the last minute because their plans change. You have plans too.

This is crazy! Since when do kids get to dictate meals?! When I was a kid we got what we were given, end of. If we didn't like it, we'd go hungry. This boy has way too much control here, stop chopping and changing for him. If your husband doesn't like it then he takes over cooking duties, you're not his fuckng staff!