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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think boarding school is the answer to everything teenage-related?

96 replies

IlleIllaIllud · 27/03/2018 19:51

That's about it. I have a Y11 son at boarding school. He is at home now, "revising" for GCSEs. I don't know what he is really doing in his bedroom. But I trust it has all in essence been done at school (had his report today, with good grades predicted. As a result, I now know which subjects he is doing). All the growing up, teenage crap etc has been thoroughly outsourced. I love it.

Disclaimer: I am a SAHM and hadn't spent a single minute away from the DC until DS went to school in Year 1 (skipped Reception, as I didn't see the need for it). Indeed, I spent in total 8 years at home with small people. So I have not had a history of outsourcing children.

My others are at day schools, sadly.

OP posts:

lljkk · 28/03/2018 09:15

I thought OP was just trying to say something lighthearted.
All their posts are quite light.
I'd gladly outsource parenting my teens if it was easy for me (& them).
I'd miss out a lot if I did, though. Teens can be fun.

Andro · 28/03/2018 09:42

All the growing up, teenage crap etc has been thoroughly outsourced. I love it.

I have to wonder if he feels outsourced!

I went to boarding school (my mother didn't want to deal with me either) but the twins never boarded...have a guess what our relationships are like now!

gillybeanz · 28/03/2018 12:48

pallisers

What do you mean?
I suppose it's how you see your family, mine are close whether still living at home ds2 and dd or in their own home ds1.
With dd boarding we just see far fewer door bangs, stomping off, and arguing.
I don't see how this is outsourcing parenting, but it is great to be able to avoid much of the angst and have a better relationship than many of my friends have with their dd's

pallisers · 28/03/2018 12:58

Gilly I mean I remember you often on boarding school threads saying that it doesn't mean that you don't parent your child and that boarding school is only one element of their lives. But you are agreeing with OP who said All the growing up, all the teenage crap has been outsourced I am surprised at your post.

In my view if your child is a door banger/stomper (not every teen is - we don't have this with 2 out of our 3) and you aren't getting any of it - then yes you have outsourced your parenting. If boarding school makes your child so happy that she no longer gets angry then that is different.

Yarboosucks · 28/03/2018 14:20

OP is experimenting with a persona. What a jolly jape!

Now, i must go and make sure Cook is on top of dinner prep and then have a quickie with the gardener in the potting shed. Such fun!

roundaboutthetown · 28/03/2018 18:29

Wondering how someone knows they have a close relationship with their child if they don't see them for weeks on end and don't know what they are doing all that time? Parents who live with their children often don't really know what's going on with them and assume things that are far from the truth, so why the supreme confidence of boarding school parents?

Yarboosucks · 28/03/2018 20:19

Oh FFS! Don't see them for weeks on end - lots of opinion, little knowledge.

Full boarding rythme is two full weeks in school, one Friday PM to Sunday evening exeat at home. Two full weeks at school, home for half term. Repeat through to main holidays - usually longer than state schools. One two week half term, three weeks easter, three weeks min for Christmas and summer hols are usually 2 weeks longer. Many parents also attend sporting fixtures (Wed and Sat afternoons) and Sunday lunch.

Branleuse · 28/03/2018 20:32

Cant get my heard round "outsourcing" parenting and being with your child unless you have no choice about it. My teenager is amazing.

Tainbri · 28/03/2018 20:35

MabantoMoonface · 28/03/2018 20:35

I don't know what he is really doing in his bedroom

If he has an internet connection, I think you can take a good guess

Andro · 28/03/2018 21:02

You too are making assumptions, not all schools follow the same pattern and even if they do, there's no guarantee that the student will see or spent time with their parents during time off school - I certainly didn't.

roundaboutthetown · 28/03/2018 21:11

Yarboosucks - and your point is? I still don't see why a parent with children at boarding school should be so confident they are close to their children when parents who live with their children often do not know as much about their own children's lives as they seem to think. Yet we regularly get parents of boarders on mumsnet blithely swearing they have ever such a close relationship with their offspring. I wonder what they think they actually mean by close? Because one thing boarding school normally teaches a child is emotional independence, and that often includes a change in relationship to one that others might see as less close and less open - so much more, after all, being dealt with away from parents' presence. A lot can and does happen in only two weeks - plenty happens in the space of one long working day.

gillybeanz · 28/03/2018 21:19

pallisers

I just see it as a bonus that when we spend time together it's good, we don't argue, and use the time well.
In comparison my friends see their dd's everyday and report not such a good relationship.
I dare say she'd be a stomper and door slammer or if not this, we wouldn't get on as well if she was here every night.
I know exactly where she is at school with all her subjects, she was at home to discuss options, and doing revising.
I get to see alot more than I did of her siblings work as the state schools they attended tried to hide away their work it certainly never came home.
Parents evenings were like a circus and you came home with little info.
It's not perfect by any stretch but give me dd school over the ones our other dc had to attend.

WickedGoodDoge · 28/03/2018 21:28

My teens would love to be outsourced. They frequently tell me so Sadly for them I am selfish and refuse to outsource as I would miss them too much.

Yarboosucks · 28/03/2018 21:33

It is pointless and futile argument; you cannot quantify closeness. A parents relationship with their child is based on so many factors, one thing is for certain, it is not a competition.

OP has started a ridiculous thread, for whatever reason. The use of the term "outsourcing" is deliberately provocative. My DS is certainly not in anyway outsourced. He is in an environment (that he chose) that caters for his particular skills and talents. He is away for some of the year but this does not alter the fact that we have a very loving, open and honest relationship.

Other parents can make their own choices. if the child is happy, knows that they are loved and valued for who they are and are supported to be the best that they can be, then that is great.

PenelopeChipShop · 28/03/2018 21:57

I don’t think it’s shocking that you have a dc in boarding school, there is obviously a demand for them or they wouldn’t exist.

I am shocked at the claim that you didn’t spend a minute away from them until they started year one though. What the actual?! If I’d attempted that with either of mine i’m not sure they would have survived to start reception class!

You are allowed time away from small children. Good grief.

roundaboutthetown · 28/03/2018 23:01

Yes, exactly, Yarboosucks - it is a pointless and futile argument. I don't know why so many parents fall into the trap of claiming they have a "close" relationship with their children who board. It's just talking at cross purposes with those people whose children live at home all year, as they are thinking about completely different things when they talk about closeness. It is a fact that your relationship with your child changes if they go to boarding school. It would be odd if they continued to share as much with their parents - part of the liberation of boarding school, after all, is no longer having to make an effort to hide some things from your parents, or change the way you behave in your community, because they are no longer so much in your face. It's why some parents and children feel their relationship improves, rather than gets worse when the children go to boarding school, imho. It's why boarding school can be positive for some children and negative for others - precisely because it changes the dynamic of the relationship, not because it doesn't!

Yarboosucks · 28/03/2018 23:43

Roundaboutthetown:
Do you feel better now that you have rid yourself of some of your bile?

roundaboutthetown · 29/03/2018 07:02

Not sure what you're talking about, Yarboosucks. I have nothing against children going to boarding school if it is right for them. Especially older children. I just do not think it doesn't change the dynamic of the relationship between children and parents. Just as moving out of home permanently changes the relationship, so does moving out for part of the time. That doesn't mean it makes the relationship worse, any more than children going away to university makes it worse, or children going on their very first trip away without family makes it worse. My dh went to boarding school. His siblings didn't. He definitely has a different relationship with his parents to the others, but not a worse one - they all love each other, he wanted to board, but definitely different.

roundaboutthetown · 29/03/2018 07:12

And close is definitely not a word I would use to describe his relationship with his parents. Supportive, yes. Loving, yes. Tolerant, yes. Not close.

Snog · 29/03/2018 07:35

My parents weren't good at parenting so boarding school was definitely better for me than being at home. It definitely lessens the burden to parents of being parents and lessens the impact on kids if their parenting skills are lacking!

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