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Original poster

To stay with a cheater?

75 replies

WavyWand · 27/03/2018 17:31

Recently found out my OH cheated on me. I'm stuck in a predicament as to whether I stay with him or leave.
There are factors that make it difficult for me - joint mortgage and 4 year old DS coupled with the fact I will more than likely need to go home to live with my parents with DS in tow if I leave him.
I'm deeply, deeply hurt. It was a one night thing, only happened once but he lied about it for months afterward before finally coming clean last week due to overwhelming evidence.
Has anyone ever stayed with a cheater and were you able to move on and get past it and live a happy life? He's extremely remorseful and is showing many signs of regret at his actions. I love him deeply and never thought this would happen to us and don't want the relationship to end but I can't help but think of anything but what happened at the moment, it's all consuming me and I find myself feeling upset every day at the moment. I know it's still fresh so I'm still dealing with the new feelings and hurt but I want to know other people's stories. Sad

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 27/03/2018 17:33

If you do stay with him make sure he gets a vasectomy. The last thing you want is for Jim to go and get someone else pregnant.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 27/03/2018 17:36

I think the thing which stands out most from your post is that none of it states what he's trying to do to fix this. It's his doing, it's due to his shitty actions and while you're here trying to piece together your life, what steps is he taking to try and redeem himself and build a future?

I'm sure it's possible to get through something like this but when someone lies and lies repeatedly simply to cover up their mistakes it erodes trust further and if you're going to be able to stay together you're going to have to work at it as a unit and he's going to have to admit to - and apologise for - his utterly reprehensible behaviour.

PinotMwah · 27/03/2018 17:39

You will get people coming on here who stayed and people who didn't.

Personally, it was a deal-breaker. I couldn't ever regain the trust. It wasn't the only factor at all, and maybe on its own I could have moved past it, but its very hard to get that trust back and it totally soured the innocence, the happiness, the sense of excitement that I had previously had in him and made me less tolerant of his other faults.

Couples can and do get past cheating. But it depends on the cheater being prepared to do whatever it takes to put things in the past, to take full responsibility for their actions and to be truly, truly remorseful. Often it totally changes the dynamics of the relationship. Even then, sometimes its not enough.

You have a long road ahead and you should take all the time you need to think about it and not feel pressured by him into putting it all behind you. You can get past it but it will take a lot of work on his part.

Queenoftheblitz · 27/03/2018 17:41

Yes I forgave someone once although it didnt last. The break up wasn't related to the cheating. I've known couples give it another go and some were successful. The one night stands seem easier to forgive. The long term affairs cause the most pain and I don't think the cheated spouse ever forgives it.
It takes strength to forgive but you can't be a walkover either. He has to respect you. That means he accepts you set the pace on making the relationship work and he works hard to regain your trust.

makeitalargegin · 27/03/2018 17:41

It happened to me and even after showing loads of remorse, doing everything he could to get us back on track. He went in to cheat again.

So no I don't think it will work

Schnauzermum2 · 27/03/2018 17:44

I have stayed with a cheater, this was 8 years ago. I have to say I probably trust him less still (and prob always will) but 99% of the time it’s fine. If we didn’t have kids I would prob have left. Not sure I’d ever 100% ever trust anyone again though. He needs to be really remorseful and be willing to do anything to regain your trust. But it will never ever go away 100%.

YoucancallmeVal · 27/03/2018 17:46

The "factors which make it difficult to leave" are the same for many, many people in the same position. They are not actually reasons to stay. I wouldn't stay and wait for it to happen again, or always be looking over my shoulder. But I left - I know from experience how scary it is at the time.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 27/03/2018 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WashingMatilda · 27/03/2018 17:47

I understand it's hard OP when you have ties to someone like house, kids etc.

But if everyone always said the same thing no one would ever separate ever.

We'd all just be stuck in our very first long term relationship.

And it's not 'just' the one night is it?

It's the checking his phone, looking through his wallet, saying you've got to get something from his car and rooting around, trying to see the reflection of his phone in his glasses, wondering if he kissed her the same we he did you, thinking you can smell perfume on his coat, zooming in on photos of him with other women from work to see which one is prettier than you and you should look out for.

Have I made my point?

You owe it to yourself.

Thatsquiteenough · 27/03/2018 17:49

To be honest, only having one child makes it very easy in comparison. Don't see that as a reason to stay.

esk1mo · 27/03/2018 17:51

honestly, i stayed with a cheater and it was the worst decision. he went on to cheat again and again. its not worth it.

Bambamber · 27/03/2018 17:53

He regrets getting caught, not his actions.

giraffepickle · 27/03/2018 17:57

It's such a difficult one and sorry you're in this situation op Thanks

I'd like to say I'd leave but I would find it hard especially with very young dc. Then again every time I looked at his face again I'd feel hurt and probably turn into a paranoid mess checking everything all the time. That traffic jam he's in and late home from work would probably send me crazy and checking online if there actually was traffic and how bad it was. All those little things everyday will be so draining for you to manage all the time.

Also he doesn't sound remorseful at all to me, sorry. If he was remorseful he would have spoken to you to day after it happened and been upfront with it, apologising profusely. Not mess with your head for months on end, he's crying about it now because he probably realises what a stupid prick he's been.

I don't think whilst he was doing the deed he was thinking about you or your child at all.

Whatever happens, take care of yourself op x

Byebyebye · 27/03/2018 18:04

Being remorseful for your actions also includes taking responsibility and admitting what you’ve done. Not deny deny until 100% proof is presented.

He’s sorry he got caught not that he did it.

Honestly this type of person rarely changes so I think you’d be very foolish to continue a relationship.

Women including myself have left their partners in the middle of the night with a small bag and their kids. It’s not easy but you can live a nice life after leaving and not accept a sub-par partner for convience.

Original poster
WavyWand · 27/03/2018 19:23

He's incredibly remorseful now and is doing everything in his power to apologise to me. I have no doubt he regrets it, but like you say maybe he's just sorry he got caught. I'm so torn. I've spent all day crying on my day off from work and now I just feel incredibly angry. I do feel like I deserve so much more, it's just hard when I love him so much. Sad I don't understand why people do this! It's so hurtful!

OP posts:
YellowFlower201 · 27/03/2018 19:29

You don't have to make any rash decisions OP. You just found out and need to adjust and process.
Maybe get couples counselling or see someone individually. It might help you to work out what you really want and whether he wants the same and how best to go about achieving it.
I'm sorry this happened to you!

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 27/03/2018 19:35

How old are you OP? This is likely to be your crossroads. It’s time to decide what to do. Think long and hard, is your relationship a happy one? If you stay are you likely to separate 5,6,7 years down the line? I you can’t tell the future but please don’t stay out of fear of going it alone and potentially deny yourself true happiness and respect.

ZoeWashburne · 27/03/2018 19:41

Anyone who could see the pain it was causing you over the past few months and only confessed after overwhelming evidence doesn’t care about you. He was probably gaslighting you saying that it was all in your head and of course he didn’t cheat.

He’s remorseful he got caught. I would take your son and go stay with your parents to give you some distance and clarity about your next steps.

icecreampanckaes · 27/03/2018 19:44

Something very similar happened to me except he told me pretty much straight away.

I was devastated and just wanted to stay together so decided to give him another chance ( not something I ever thought I would do if cheated on).

It didn't work out but mainly because I started to feel differently, didn't trust him, couldn't forget about it and eventually we broke up. I never thought he would do something like that to me tbh it came as a complete shock.

We are still friends but I know now 100% that I made the right decision and hopefully will meet someone better for me :)

Smeaton · 27/03/2018 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fannythrobbing · 27/03/2018 19:52

I stayed. He lied to me repeatedly about it and made me feel crazy until I got evidence he couldn't refute.

He promised the earth to make it up to me, cried and was remorseful. I thought he was the love of my life so I gave in and stayed. I worked hard at fixing my part of our problems, thought he was too...

It happened again less than 2 years later.

He lied. Made me feel crazy. I kicked him out and refused to let him back, he cried, promised the earth for the whole year we were selling our house (by this point he was living with her but begging for me to go back).

I'm sure it can work for people if you're sure they're sorry (and not only sorry they got caught) but I've yet to find a failsafe way of doing that besides perfect 20/20 hindsight...
I will say it is harder to stay than it is to walk away. Best of luck with whichever path you choose.

Pomeranio9834 · 27/03/2018 19:52

Sorry but from my experience... it ruined everything.

I stayed but gradually hated him more and more. He was a lie, our relationship was a lie and ultimately he was a bad person who couldn't love me enough to not stick his dick in someone else.

It made everything else 10 x worse (he cheated on me but still can't put his washing in the basket crying e.g.)... I ended up driving myself insane convinced he was going to do it again, checking his phone his email, worrying myself literally sick when he went out with friends. I completely lost who I was. I should have told him to fuck off the second I found out

YellowMakesMeSmile · 27/03/2018 19:54

No, I wouldn't. The trust and respect would be gone for me.

The mortgage and money wouldn't keep me there.

ItsuAddict · 27/03/2018 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sijjy · 27/03/2018 20:17

My husband has had 2 text/ emotional affairs. And I caught him texting a work colleague after a Xmas party. Telling her how beautiful she was and thanking her for a great night.
It never goes away. And when things aren't going that well between us I automatically think he's up to no good again. It also saddens me that we should be in a very different place in our marriage after nearly 17 years together than we are. My self esteem is also very low. I was always a confident outgoing person before all of this.
That said when it's good. It's really good. I don't think I will ever trust him 100% ever again and some days I do think why did I stay with him.

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