To stay with a cheater?

[WavyWand]

Recently found out my OH cheated on me. I'm stuck in a predicament as to whether I stay with him or leave.
There are factors that make it difficult for me - joint mortgage and 4 year old DS coupled with the fact I will more than likely need to go home to live with my parents with DS in tow if I leave him.
I'm deeply, deeply hurt. It was a one night thing, only happened once but he lied about it for months afterward before finally coming clean last week due to overwhelming evidence.
Has anyone ever stayed with a cheater and were you able to move on and get past it and live a happy life? He's extremely remorseful and is showing many signs of regret at his actions. I love him deeply and never thought this would happen to us and don't want the relationship to end but I can't help but think of anything but what happened at the moment, it's all consuming me and I find myself feeling upset every day at the moment. I know it's still fresh so I'm still dealing with the new feelings and hurt but I want to know other people's stories.

Lots of people do forgive, not everyone separates over this.
That doesn't mean they are happy though

Hi OP sorry you are in this place.

Please don’t listen to people telling you what they think happened and making your doubt and hurt worse.
It’s your story not theirs and only you know the players.
You husband has lied to you and her needs to do a lot of work if he wants to save the marriage.

Full disclosure(if you want)
No contact with the OW
Full access to his phone, email, social media anything else you need. Check for apps like words with friends that have messaging facilities as part of the game.
Telling you where he is, who he is with etc at all times.
He needs to do what you need him to do to prove himself worthy of another chance. Your list of things.

WWW.survivinginfidelity.com

Marriages do survive affairs but only if both parties really try and are 100% committed to doing all the hard work required.
It is hard work.

I couldn’t stay, the trust would be gone and I don’t think I could ever move on from it.

I know someone who stayed and it still affects them now because as much as she wants to forgive him I don’t think she 100% can.

Only you will know if you can stay and forgive him 100%.

The lying for months would be almost as bad as the cheating for me if it was really a one off. I'd find that as hard to get over as the cheating and possible STD catching. I also think that if you forgave him, he'd think he could get away with it again, and again. I couldn't do it. I'm sorry, OP, it's a really tough decision.

It's really up to you. I don't like the viewpoint that says you have to split up with a partner who has been unfaithful or else you're a wimp or a doormat. If you love another (and it has to be both ways) I have seen it done successfully. I know some people stand by the idea that no one who loves someone else could sleep with someone else, but again, not everyone believes that or has to believe that.

Counselling might be a good idea to see about moving beyond and to test his commitment to you and to fixing things.

my husband cheated about 7 years. yes it has changed/tainted our relatonship. it still crosses my mind every day and the ideal we once were has gone forever. he has become seriously ill since and i wonder if he hadnt would we still be together. at the time he begged for me to stay and our relationship got a lot better before he became ill. i also had to change i realised that blamed him for a lot of things and pushed him away such as money problems etc so you will have to have lots of discussions. i made my husband go over and over it for a long time after. it drove him mad i suppose he wanted it to go away but its down to him to make the situation right and help you get over it. i never anted to leave as i always loved him but needed him to prove he didnt do it because he didnt love/fancy me anymore. straight away i wanted to claim my man back! a big however is that the 'lady'in question moved away it was actually her leaving do had that not been the case it could have been very different i dont know if i could have handled that.
i think with a lot of work and effort and wanting it to work it can xxxx

I stayed. We decided that what we had was worth more than an office fling. It was early days. He didn't cheat again and we were together many years. No longer together but for different reasons.

If you are unable to see things in the long term and only want what's easiest in he short term, then stay. If you don't hugely value yourself, then stay. If you are ok with dying having led a life that was overshadowed by the person who was supposed to be your partner humiliating you and being untrustworthy, leaving you to wonder and worry throughout your life, then stay.

Personally I'd take a little time to get my wind back (having had it knocked out of me) and then I'd walk.

Wow justanotherzombie that is harsh.

Happy people dont cheat. and it takes two to make an unhappy relationship. For one person to cheat there has to be (a) opportunity, but (b) reason. Solve the reason and it's likely that the person wont take the opportunity.

Happy people do cheat!

Yes, it was harsh but compromising on something like this has long lasting implications on your whole life with that person. It does damage to you to stay and it's not just a case of choosing to overlook a single indiscretion and then getting on with your lives. I think people don't realise that until it's too late and you are 20 yrs of hurt further down the line.

Holly

Or instead of cheating the individual could not be such a coward and a) talk to their partner about why they're unhappy or b) leave the relationship. It's really not difficult.

for one person to cheat there has to be (a) opportunity, but (b) reason. Solve the reason
Bollox.
Some people are just cheating scumbags.
There isn't always a 'reason' other than the cheater has no fucking morals and likes shagging other people!

It never occured to me that my husband would cheat on me. When I found out I was so shocked and heartbroken. I have never felt so low in all my life. It was without doubt the worst thing anyone has ever done to me. I was totaly devastated. I took him back because I loved him and our young children were heartbroken about us breaking up.

A year and a half later, I am over the heartbreak thankfully and am stronger than before. I don't see him in the same light. I wish I hadn't married him. He obviously doesn't have the qualities that are important in a husband - honest, loyal, trustworthy, reliable etc.

I don't care why he did it or how sorry he is. It changed the way I feel about him. Our marriage means nothing to me. I don't see a future with him, but I can't bear to split up now because of upsetting the children. I will never trust him again, or any other man, because we had been together for 12 years and I trusted him.

I wish I had not taken him back after finding out. It has just prolonged the inevitable. I am just living a lie for the kids, and I can't keep it up forever. Nomatter what he says or does to show how sorry he is, I could never feel the same way about him again. It is definately harder to stay together after someone has lied and cheated on you.

I'm still recovering after finding out in Nov '16. Married with 2 and together for 13 years

This shit has completely ruined my life and the way I look at it. Life will never be the same again. My job involves empowering women and i feel like a fucking fraud because I feel trodden on and destroyed. I paint the face on. Leaving him would not change this. The damage is done.

However, we have had a lot of counselling, which includes CBT on his end and he speaks very highly it. We speak in a depth we never have in the whole time we have been together and sometimes we are actually closer than we ever have been.

It is what it is. You have to do what is for you.

Why is this so hard? 😔 I'm still here. I've spent the last week trying to make it work but I spend every minute of every day thinking about how he did me wrong and I can't stop thinking about him with her. It's killing me. I have a good day, but for every good day there's 2 bad ones where I just want to curl up under my covers and sleep and cry. 😔 it's not going to get any better is it? I wish I had the guts to just walk out.

I've chosen to stay with my dh.
The reason is that every other part of our relationship is about as perfect and lovely as you can get.
When I first found out, I kicked him out and talked of divorce, because that's what you do isn't it? Then after a week or so I realised not being with him would be punishing myself, and why should I be punished. First few weeks were hard, it's getting better ( been a few months now, and our relationship is better now than it was before).
I think when people say it's a dealbreaker for them, they've never been in the situation.

He's a shit, and the lying is far worse than the cheating. Basically, are you prepared to sacrifice the rest of your life with a selfish and untrustworthy man for the sake of a nice house? What a waste of a life that would be. Moving back in with your parents temporarily isn't the end of the world - work and save and you'll get a place of your own - it may be smaller than what you have at the moment, but you won't have to share it with a cheater.

Lovely and perfect? Sorry but you are utterly deluded.

@Lovelydearie with respect, you don't know us.

I was only cheated on once by an abusive ex when I was younger and I did try to stick around because I was naive, vulnerable and also being abused but it was the final straw for me, personally. I was constantly paranoid, always thinking of him with her, always comparing myself to her etc. It never went away so I left. Granted, I didn’t have any serious ties to him as you do so it was simpler. He knocked my confidence and self esteem massively.

I know some couples do manage to work through infidelity but personally I think the pain will never fully go away and the trust won’t completely return either. You will need counselling and lots of it. Good luck and sorry this has happened to you.

I know your husband screwed someone else so it's far, far from perfect unless you have bizarre standards!

Still stuck. Still here. Still upset and hating every minute. I want to leave but I just can't pluck up the courage. He thinks everything's okay but it's not. It's eating me up! I don't think I'm ever going to get over this I wish I could.

I need to grow some balls I think.