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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay with a cheater?

75 replies

WavyWand · 27/03/2018 17:31

Recently found out my OH cheated on me. I'm stuck in a predicament as to whether I stay with him or leave.
There are factors that make it difficult for me - joint mortgage and 4 year old DS coupled with the fact I will more than likely need to go home to live with my parents with DS in tow if I leave him.
I'm deeply, deeply hurt. It was a one night thing, only happened once but he lied about it for months afterward before finally coming clean last week due to overwhelming evidence.
Has anyone ever stayed with a cheater and were you able to move on and get past it and live a happy life? He's extremely remorseful and is showing many signs of regret at his actions. I love him deeply and never thought this would happen to us and don't want the relationship to end but I can't help but think of anything but what happened at the moment, it's all consuming me and I find myself feeling upset every day at the moment. I know it's still fresh so I'm still dealing with the new feelings and hurt but I want to know other people's stories. Sad

OP posts:
Forevertired19 · 27/03/2018 20:20

I think you're worth more and to me personally, once a cheater, always a cheater.

Mydoghatesthebath · 27/03/2018 20:28

Hi op.

I am so sorry for you it’s incredibly hurtful. Unfortunately posting this in aibu will obviously bring many responses from those who have been victims of cheating and it’s ended badly. That’s natural.

Could you move this into relationships?

Can I say that marriages can get back on track after cheating and be better then ever. but you both have to be able to move forward and the Cheater has to accept that trust has to be rebuilt but equally the cheated on has to move forward too and not keep going back or using the cheating as a reason to always get their own way in other areas.

It’s increfibky hard but it can work.

You have to decide if your marriage is worth saving on every level.

AnduinsGirl · 27/03/2018 20:34

I never ever ever would again but I realise not everyone feels the same. If you do stay, please keep a check on your mental health. Find yourself anxious as fuck when he's an hour late? Checking his email obsessively? Uncomfortable in the pit of your stomach when he says hes going for a drink with the guys?
You can't live like this - it'll wear you down until you're a weeping, paranoid mess.
Sorry, that sounds so extreme but staying with a cheat can be the ultimate self punishment :(

BitchQueen90 · 27/03/2018 20:38

Personally I wouldn't. I honestly don't see how you can ever get the trust back and there's no way I'll ever stand for anyone treating me with so little respect. I'd rather be a broke single parent.

FookMeFookYou · 27/03/2018 20:38

Dealbreaker for me...he’d be gone as I wouldn’t be able to trust him again. I would be incredibly resentful and it wouldn’t be fair for our children to witness me shutting myself off from their dad as I couldn’t be playing happy families. He is only sorry that he got caught. Leaving won’t be an easy thing to do but I’d do it regardless

User2837 · 27/03/2018 20:39

I'm coming from the flipside of the coin as, I'm ashamed to admit, I cheated 2 years ago. At the time we were on a break and I told DP the next day. We worked through it in couples counselling, and I received individual counselling myself as I was going through a bit of a breakdown when if happened due to some health complications.
None of those things excuse what I did though and I was totally remorseful and took responsibility for what I did and to put it right.
I was so lucky that DP forgave me, but it was a long process and took almost a year for dp not to bring it up regularly.
Thankfully now we're doing really well, and actually have an amazingly open and trusting relationship. But it does change things and you have to both be 100% willing to face some hard truths and put in the effort to make things work. It can happen though. I hope everything works out for you Flowers

Queenoftheblitz · 27/03/2018 20:42

I cheated. I was genuinely remorseful. I didn't do it again and I absolutely never would, after seeing the hurt it caused.
And I lied and minimised it to my partner because I couldn't bear to see the disgust in his eyes.
I came clean eventually.
I am not a bad person. I'm a person who did something bad.
Op no one can guarantee that he won't cheat again.
Once a cheater always a cheater is a load of rubbish.
If you genuinely still love him then i suggest you both try and make it work - but with conditions.

Kingsclerelass · 27/03/2018 20:44

The only thing I would add is if you are going to leave, the earlier you do it, I think the less impact it has on your dc.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 27/03/2018 20:55

My ex cheated multiple times. He once tried to cheat right in front of me, weeks after our baby was born. I tried so hard to get passed it each time it happened but every time it did, another piece of me just seemed to die. The last time he did it (well that I know of) flicked a switch inside me and I stopped loving him, stopped respecting him and literally stopped caring if he ever did it again. After the initial pain and humiliation had washed over me once again. Finally left 2 years later due to long term DV and definitely the best decision for me and my children.

Also don’t be so sure “it was just the once”. I was told after being cheated on with one of the women they were: just mates, hardly know the girl. Then it was friends, good friends, close friends, just a kiss, ok a kiss and a grope, ok she sucked my cock, we just had sex once then turned out it was before I got pregnant, during the pregnancy and for a short time after the birth. He even went to see her the night after our baby was born.

So to sum up, in my experience it’s best to walk away now. Starting again is hard to begin with but it can be done.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 27/03/2018 21:03

Flowers Op. It might be best to do nothing right now and take some time to think. IMO you have to be very honest with yourself in making this decision. The hurt and shock will naturally become anger and resentment, are you confident that you're the type of person who will eventually be able to let that go? Some people can and would honestly say that with hard work they end up closer and stronger than ever.

I know I'm not someone who could do it though. I love DH very much and I would be devastated by this but I know that I couldn't stay with him if he cheated. For me it would always be there and I think it would just infect every aspect of normal life. I'd end up always thinking things like "I couldn't give a fuck about your funny story you lying cheat" or "don't pretend to be supportive of me, you didn't give a damn about me when you slept with someone else" even if I wasn't saying it out loud. I know I'd feel that I shouldn't have to work this hard, that I shouldn't have to push away my hurt and anger to try to fix something he wrecked and eventually we would end up splitting anyway whether 6 months or 5 years down the line.

makeitalargegin · 27/03/2018 21:54

Just to add try not to worry about your dc, they are a lot more harder and cope much better than we think. My eldest was 4 when I finally left my exdh and now my son can't even remember me and his dad together.

Honestly if you do decide to leave him it will be daunting as anything, but you can do it.

dangermouseisace · 27/03/2018 22:09

Is he remorseful for what he’s done, or because he’s been found out?

What else has he been lying about?

Mydoghatesthebath · 27/03/2018 22:11

queen

Brave post

ItsuAddict · 28/03/2018 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/03/2018 16:33

Why do you have to leave?

Pack him a bag and send him off for a few days, then at least you can have the headspace to have a proper think about what to do.

If he is serious about making it up to do, he will do this. If he refuses to go; another sign he is an arsehole.

PartyRingss · 28/03/2018 16:37

For me it would be the thought that he has been close to someone, intimate and ultimately inside someone else (sorry for the graphic description there.) It would not be something I could get over at all.

Purplelife · 28/03/2018 17:02

You need to find out the circumstances of why he cheated.

HobnobBob · 28/03/2018 17:02

Firstly why would you be the one leaving? Have you asked him to give you some space for a bit? What consequences does he have or is he still living his normal life with you? And ok he’s crying/apologising/remorseful but what’s he actually doing? Words are cheap.

UpstartCrow · 28/03/2018 17:03

I'd suggest you both go to the STD clinic for a full check up, that might give him a wake up call Flowers

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 28/03/2018 17:09

he lied about it for months afterward before finally coming clean last week due to overwhelming evidence

This leaps out at me. He only confessed because he had to. And I doubt it was just one night

I know it's hard when you love someone and you don't know what the future would hold without them in your life. But the crucial question is how you feel, not how he feels about it

Eatalot · 28/03/2018 17:10

No I wouldnt stay. Trust will be dead and I couldnt live like that. I think he will either cheat again or you will. Hes got away with it once.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 28/03/2018 17:11

This happened to a friend of mine. She insisted they both had a full sexual health check, no sex for 6 months, then another full sexual health check

If your DP is truly remorseful, then something along those lines could be a way to test his commitment to your relationship

VladmirsPoutine · 28/03/2018 17:27

We tried to limp on for a while but the resentment grew so much that every time I looked at him I felt such overwhelming disgust and almost murderous so I left.

I don't deny that it can work. But it does change things - sometimes it can bring a couple closer together; in a sort of trauma bonding kind of way. But ultimately it will always still be there at the back of your mind.

Whilst I agree that he needs to be totally transparent and work to resolve things, you also will not be able to use this as a stick to beat him with in the future. Can you do that?

It sounds very raw at the moment. The problem is that even in a year or two from now, if something triggers the thought of them together you'll find yourself back at square one feeling all the rawness of the emotion you're currently feeling.

I suppose you have to weigh up the practicalities of leaving and moving back to your parents versus staying to make it work; even if its just until you are in a position to support yourself without him. Playing happy families never works.

Totsntantrums · 28/03/2018 17:38

A cheater? Possibly depending on a few factors

A liar? Never in a million years!

PrettyLittIeThing · 28/03/2018 18:01

It can be a one time thing my ex was telling me his cousin cheated on his wife, met woman whilst Out at a bar and took her back to my exes house. One time no contact again, I'm think I could forgive a one night thing.

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