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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the nursery are exaggerating?

58 replies

Confusedmummydotcom · 27/03/2018 15:07

My LG started nursery in January and after a couple of hiccups she settled in really well. She only attends 2 afternoons a week. Her group is looked after by a number of nursery staff and she's absolutely fine with most of them. She is usually eager to go there and enjoys playing with her friends.
However, there is one teacher who always seems to tell me all sorts of negative stuff about her, in front of her and my LG now avoids looking at that particular teacher and talking to her when I hand her over. None of the other nursery staff tell me anything negative at pick up time, so I'm worried this particular teacher exaggerates things a great deal, making my LG feel like she can't do normal childhood things because she'll be put on the "quiet step" and judged.
To give an example, my LG needed the toilet badly and as another child came out of the cubicle, she pushed him, then they sorted the issue between them and no one was hurt, they were best friends again within a minute. I don't condone pushing anyone in any way but when the teacher told me about it and made it sound really bad and she also mentioned other negative things, like my LG crying when someone hurt her finger (not sure how this is my Lg's fault) or expressing her dislike of the dinner they were offered (I wasn't aware they weren't allowed to express such feelings). This teacher always tells me how she had to put my LG on the quiet step to calm her down because she was running around or because she was being loud and energic but to me, these are normal behaviours for a 3year old and I don't see why they expect her to sit down quietly all the time.
Now the teacher has called a meeting with me and the deputy manager to make a plan and I'm not exactly sure what this is about. From my point of view, pushing that child was pure impulse in the light of being desperate for a wee and won't happen again...
AIBU to think this is all exaggerated and doesn't require such drastic measures?

OP posts:

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 27/03/2018 15:09

I’d go to the meeting and ask what the actual problem with and explain everything you have stated here

DairyisClosed · 27/03/2018 15:10

We have one of these at my son's nursery meanwhile the other staff are rolling their eyes behind her back (literally). Some people just aren't meant to work with children. The other staff are lovely though. Obviously if there is something negative to say they sat it but they don't turn molehills into mountsibs.

Lifeaback · 27/03/2018 15:11

This does sound a bit OTT and unfair on your child to be bringing it up in front of them, especially if it is impacting their relationship. I would attend the meeting and discuss your concerns as you have stated them here

Whynotnowbaby · 27/03/2018 15:12

It does seem like an issue she has built up around your dd, perhaps agree to meeting but insist that another staff member who has not been negative is also present so it can be agreed whether there are real issues that both staff members have seen or if they are just minor/non incidents that have been blown out of proportion.

Pengggwn · 27/03/2018 15:15

Pushing was 'pure impulse' - of course. I get impulses too. The point is that she isn't supposed to act on that impulse, and it is the job of the nursery staff to reinforce that. Not sure about the other stuff, but it sounds like they have a genuine concern about her behaviour. I'm sure a plan can be made that will quickly deal with the issues, whI've is the best thing for her in the long run.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/03/2018 15:24

If I have to be honest. It seems to me like she has taken a dislike to your child.
Yes teachers nursery staff have their favorites and children they don't like.
However they should never know who they are.
Make sure you use this meeting to get your point across. Obviously in an assertive non aggressive way. Also ask her to explain why she made out your DD was in the wrong for crying after another child hurt her fingers and yet you've been called up over her pushing someone. Why one rule for one and one for the other.
If schools and nurseries were going to demand meetings with parents anytime children hit or pushed each other. TheRe would be little time for much else ie teaching ect.

Original poster

Confusedmummydotcom · 27/03/2018 15:25

Pengggwn while I understand what you're saying, I'm not sure 3 year olds are that good at controling impulses yet. I know many adults who aren't and I think expecting a 3yo to behave so maturely is far-fetched. Of course she shouldn't push or act on impulses but sometimes these things happen and don't necessarily mean there's anything more to it than just an unfortunate handling of the situation on my Lg's part. She said she didn't mean it and it was just because "she really needed a wee" so I'm not exactly sure what can be done in terms of a plan? I have asked the nursery staff several times to remind her to go to the toilet, what other thing can we plan for?

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 27/03/2018 15:28

Well, all you have to do is hear them out. I'm of the view that three year olds are in the process of learning to control their impulses, although of course they can't do so consistently yet. But pushing other children is something they shouldn't be doing for very much longer, so it is important that this is made very clear, not excused.

Mollieben · 27/03/2018 15:31

As others have said, go to the meeting, listen to what is said and then tell them your worries about the negative feedback. I am a nursery manager and I hate when staff are negative. Even if a child has been awful all day, I want them to find something nice to say to their parents - they are just little children. Good luck

Original poster

Confusedmummydotcom · 27/03/2018 15:32

I'm not excusing her, I'm just asking if the meeting about the plan is an exaggeration as obviously she was told there and then that pushing is not something she should do as it's dangerous. She's also been reminded at home that pushing is not a good option in that kind of situation but in terms of going forward, making a plan sounds so formal and I'm not sure this is what's needed at the moment. My LG knows she made a poor choice and feels really bad about it (especially since the child she pushed was her best friend at nursery), and in my view, that will help her control that impulse in the future. Like another poster said, if we had to organise meetings over every little incident, teachers wouldn't have time to teach anymore and that is concerning.

OP posts:

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 27/03/2018 15:38

The teacher sounds a bit picky but wouldn't a meeting be a result of feedback from ALL staff members? As a manager I wouldn't necessarily act on a potential problem if it only came from 1 member of staff and no one else (who was in direct contact) had a problem.

StormcloakNord · 27/03/2018 15:38

I could be wrong but it sounds to me like there are 2 situations here -

The nursery worker has taken a dislike to your DD and is exaggerating her behaviour.

Your DD is possibly not so well behaved and you've got rose tinted glasses on as the parent & think actually they're not so bad when maybe they are?

Go to the meeting and get a full outline of the problem and you'll be able to see a bit more what's going on/if the worker really has taken a dislike.

colditz · 27/03/2018 15:39

When you go to the meeting, direct all your concern to the deputy manager. Have a list of your concerns and ask them to explain to you why her pushing a child or crying with a hurt finger is of concern to them.

Frankly your daughter sounds quite normal for three, but then I had boys and people can be cruelly unrealistic about behaviour when it comes to little girls.

Pengggwn · 27/03/2018 15:41

Okay, OP, but they do think so, so I think you need to listen to what they have to say and go from there. They seem to have concerns stemming from more than just this incident.

Original poster

Confusedmummydotcom · 27/03/2018 15:44

The meeting was arranged by that teacher and she wanted to have the deputy there as well. If all nursery staff would report problematic behaviour, I would obviously take it on board that something is not right and I'd be happy to work with them on sorting these issues but no other members of staff have said anything negative to me about her and that's why I don't understand the drastic measures. I will just go to the meeting and see how it goes. Thank you for your reply

OP posts:

ohlittlepea · 27/03/2018 15:45

3 year olds are very impulsive which a
Is a biological consequence of the stage of brain development they are at...id be more surprised by one who never pushes then by one who pushed some one when they needed a wee! She sounds like a dick. I'd go to the meeting and say actually I have huge concerns that you are so negative about my dds normal 3 year old behaviour and how negative you feel the need to be about her.

Springnowplease · 27/03/2018 15:46

I think the nursery staff have serious concerns about her behaviour. Please go ready to listen to them, if they think she needs a plan then they are right to be concerned.

StormTreader · 27/03/2018 15:48

I assume the deputy manager has not really seen your LG's behaviour personally? I think I would request another nursery worker there who HAS seen her behaviour, otherwise youve got the teacher saying "shes out of control" and no-one to give any other opinion who has actually seen how she is.

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 27/03/2018 15:54

no other members of staff have said anything negative to me about her

That doesn't necessarily mean nothing else has happened, just that they may not have mentioned it to you. I'm not saying your DD IS misbehaving, I'm simply saying you should be aware that there may be more going on than you're aware of.

Oh, and I'm speaking as a mum here too. I was called into the school when DS first started because there were a couple of non serious issues mainly due to his difficulty settling in. I went in all guns blazing about their over reaction only to find there were more things I wasn't aware of . It's not a great situation to be in.

Stand your ground if needs be but keep an open mind. Our kids aren't always the angels we think they are...the little buggers

SweetMoon · 27/03/2018 15:57

The teacher sounds a bit ott from what you've posted. And of course children shouldn't push but I've yet to meet a toddler who hasn't done something they weren't meant to at some point! It's par for the course. If she's regularly racking and pushing kids, different kettle of fish but a one off deserves a stern telling, which was done, and then move on.

Go to the meeting and say what you've said here. Obviously you may come across as a parent in denial but stick to your guns and if in doubt ask for a meeting with the other teachers present who don't have a problem with your lo.

seventh · 27/03/2018 15:57

If the critical staff member is your DD's keyworker, then that would explain why that staff member is more involved with your DD

JessicaJonesJacket · 27/03/2018 16:00

Listen to what they have to say. The plan could be as simple as a different nursery nurse becoming your DD's key worker.
There is nothing in your OP that would strike me as worthy of a meeting so perhaps there are other issues or perhaps the meeting is going to have a different focus.
I hope it goes well.

Original poster

Confusedmummydotcom · 27/03/2018 16:02

She's not my Lg's key worker. The key worker is another member of staff and she never mentioned any worries she had about my LG. When my LG was still settling in and had a few hiccups, more members of staff spoke to me about what was going on so I would expect them to continue telling me if they had any concerns. However, it's only this one teacher who tells me negative stuff and none of the other. Whenever she's there, I get negative feedback and when it's not her shift, the other nursery staff report good behaviour.

OP posts:

colditz · 27/03/2018 16:03

is she the SENCO??

Original poster

Confusedmummydotcom · 27/03/2018 16:04

Nope, not a SENCO

OP posts:

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