To think the nursery are exaggerating?

[Confusedmummydotcom]

My LG started nursery in January and after a couple of hiccups she settled in really well. She only attends 2 afternoons a week. Her group is looked after by a number of nursery staff and she's absolutely fine with most of them. She is usually eager to go there and enjoys playing with her friends.
However, there is one teacher who always seems to tell me all sorts of negative stuff about her, in front of her and my LG now avoids looking at that particular teacher and talking to her when I hand her over. None of the other nursery staff tell me anything negative at pick up time, so I'm worried this particular teacher exaggerates things a great deal, making my LG feel like she can't do normal childhood things because she'll be put on the "quiet step" and judged.
To give an example, my LG needed the toilet badly and as another child came out of the cubicle, she pushed him, then they sorted the issue between them and no one was hurt, they were best friends again within a minute. I don't condone pushing anyone in any way but when the teacher told me about it and made it sound really bad and she also mentioned other negative things, like my LG crying when someone hurt her finger (not sure how this is my Lg's fault) or expressing her dislike of the dinner they were offered (I wasn't aware they weren't allowed to express such feelings). This teacher always tells me how she had to put my LG on the quiet step to calm her down because she was running around or because she was being loud and energic but to me, these are normal behaviours for a 3year old and I don't see why they expect her to sit down quietly all the time.
Now the teacher has called a meeting with me and the deputy manager to make a plan and I'm not exactly sure what this is about. From my point of view, pushing that child was pure impulse in the light of being desperate for a wee and won't happen again...
AIBU to think this is all exaggerated and doesn't require such drastic measures?

Sounds ideal then, ask to have her keyworker there.

My eldest went through 3 years of school with no problems whatsoever, then in 2nd grade he had a teacher who took a dislike to him. He had no problems in any of the other classes, gym, music, German, library, just the main classroom teacher. According to her there wasn't a day where he didn't act up or misbehave. She gave him a chart for happy faces or sad faces based on his behaviour that day. It was a rare day there was a happy face. I talked to the teacher, to other teachers, to the TA's, apart from the main teacher no one saw a problem with him.

I spent a lot of time in the school. I volunteered in the library, did reading lessons with the kids, ran the book club, I was in the halls a lot, never saw this bad behaviour. My son changed over that year. He got more withdrawn and quiet. His whole attitude towards school changed, and he's never liked it since.

I feel I fucked up royally and should have fought to get him out of that class.

That's why I'm worried about this being blown out of prportion if it really doesn't need to be because my LG absolutely loves nursery and I'd hate it for her to start feeling like she's always being told her behaviour is bad when no one else reports it as being like that. She's a very sensitive person and her reaction towards the teacher already suggests she's been affected by it and it breaks my heart

Keep an open mind.

It could be that she dislikes your dd, it could be that the stuff you consider to be normal three year old stuff is a problem.

Her telling you she hurt her fingers and cried is surely a point of information not saying it was negative.
If they hadn't told you and she'd come home saying "I hurt my finger and I cried" you'd have been annoyed they hadn't told you.
Equally well the meal thing is just letting you know that she didn't eat a lot or in case she says "My teacher made me eat it all even though I said I didn't want to".

They're fairly usual things to mention, not reflecting negatively on your DD.

Definitely get the key worker at the meeting then. There's no point having a meeting that doesn't involve her and it sounds like she may be able to provide a neutral opinion. Personally I would avoid getting debriefed by this person and make sure to get the debriefing from the key worker if possible.

Are there any other rooms for that age range at the nursery?

Sometimes people expect girls to behave less rowdily than boys, and if they don't comply, they are seen as naughty. I would be asking if she was a boy, would a plan be being put in place?

Just try to keep an open mind. When we had similar with our DS it turns out it pretty much was a combo of one teacher having a 'problem' with little boys in general and our DS deciding to push a few boundaries. How much 'feeding off each other's weakness' there was, who knows?

I would have a definite word, however, about this teacher giving you 'negative reports' in front of your child. This type of thing should be done when the child is out of earshot.

Not just the one room for her age group. I will definitely ask for the key worker to be there and write a list of things to talk to them about. I really want to sort this out as I like the nursery and most staff are brilliant, caring people and would hate to have a negative relation with them. Thank your for your reply

Go to the meeting with an open mind and a list of questions / issues you want to cover as well

Ask to have her key worker there too

Consider whether another room at the nursery might be a better fit for her

Consider whether two afternoons a week is enough for her to settle in properly and get real benefit out of attending

OP please please please hear them out. I have been there with my pfb and I reacted very defensively like you. I felt it was all very minor things being blown up out of proportion. However in hindsight, I suspect that there was more going on with my ds that they just couldn't put into words as he was later diagnosed with ASD. The concerns that the nursery had all 'fit', I just didn't know it at the time. Listen to them, find out what they want to do and work with it. Nursery won't be forever anyway, but I honestly cannot see any other motive other than that they genuinely want to help. I am not saying that your child has ASD of course, my point is just that they know normal behaviour in a child of this age, if they are flagging up issues then listen to them.

I had the same issue with my dd's nursery teacher, i asked for a meeting with the head nursery teacher and the depute came in as well. I explained a few instances where I felt the teacher was picking on my dd and making her out some devil child and they told me my dd's behaviour was normal and exactly what they would expect (she wasn't naughty just very energetic). I asked for dd not to be in this teachers group anymore and she was moved and is now far happier in nursery.

I understand teachers have a job to do but you will always get one jobsworth who has to go that bit ott. There’s one in my sons class in year 5 and one in my daughters class reception. See what they’ve got to say and then get your points across like you have here. Hope you get it sorted x

You definitely need her keyworker there.

Maybe ask to meet her keyworker and manager instead of this other woman? It may be there are issues and other workers have just been more reluctant to land them on you in front of other parents at pick up. It may be particular staff member has unreasonable expectations. But either way it should be keyworker who can give you the best overview of your DD's behaviour?

Hmm. The staff don't want to be holding meetings with parents- only if it's necessary. So if she's mildly annoyed with your DD, she'd just carry on moaning to you- She feels there's something significant enough to ask for a meeting. I'd really be more open about it if I was you. She's probably trying to make things better for your DD in the long run.
Also, the things you have listed- I'd be a bit annoyed as a parent if I wasn't told about those things- they're part of your DD's days.

It’s really hard to hear negative things about your DC, it really hurts.

But this situation has happened to a couple of people I know. Nursery has flagged up behaviour issues, the parents have disagreed and become defensive. From observing their children in other settings, I.e. playgroup, it’s clear there are big problems with their child’s behaviour, and the way they are responding to them.

Have a read about permissive parenting OP, and try to go in with an open mind
www.verywellmind.com/what-is-permissive-parenting-2794957

If that was the case, I'd be all for making a plan to help my child overcome behaviour problems. The thing is she's very sociable, she's quite empathic for her age, she plays nicely in any other setting, even if I'm not there, she shares toys nicely, so that's why I've asked for second opinions here to make sure I'm not just overreacting. I understand I may not have all the information but then I don't get why some staff would be reluctant to tell me if she's causing problems and it's only this one teacher always telling me.

I don't blame your dd for pushing past a child to get to the toilet, I would if I was bursting and i might wet or soil myself. Gosh she is only little, and will have unpredictable behaviour, that was not out of the norm. It sounds like this particular teacher is nit picking. I would write a list of your concerns, if you are not happy, I would look to move dd to a more positive and nurturing environment.

If at all possible, take a deep breath and try and attend the meeting calmly. Remember, like it or not, these are the people who are looking after your LG, and you want them to feel positive towards you and your child. If they think there is a problem, ask them to write a behaviour log stating what happened just before the event ie were there any triggers, what exactly happened and what they did afterwards. Ask them to also write down which member of staff is reporting/sorting out the incident. That way you'll soon get to the bottom of the situation. If it is this horrible member of staff, it will always be her that is noting it down and you can question that. Good luck.

And don't forget, before you suggest this member of staff 'has a problem' with your DD, people are not necessarily equal in their tendency to tell the truth, write incidents down etc.

I have been accused of 'picking on' (much older) children because I was the only member of staff actually recording the poor behaviour, when the reality was there were frequent incidents not being recorded.

How likely is it that anyone would 'have a problem with' a child who is, essentially, a baby, anyway? Just be careful.

I thought there were clear guidelines of when and how and what type of incidents need to be recorded and all staff were trained to record them as per guidelines?

I work in a nursery and one of the things we are taught and regularly reminded of us to ensure that parent feedback is not 'too negative'. I'm not saying that there is a concern with your child, but that this may be why you are hearing these things from one member of staff. Some people occasionally seem to have trouble with the 'keep it positive' ethos that many nurseries aim for when speaking to parents. That's not to say that we lie to parents by the way but may, for example, try to focus on the more positive parts of a child's day if they regularly demonstrate challenging behaviour etc. Obviously if there was a major issue or something that the parent wanted to be updated on that would be different. As a parent I'd hate to always receive negative feedback about my child. Particularly when I know what they are like anyway! Sometimes it's just kids being kids! And that's the sort of thing that doesn't always need commenting on day after day. And nursery staff are generally mindful of this. However there are always people who disagree with this rightly or wrongly.