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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH mum on end of life pathway is he being unreasonable to not go to work

70 replies

Generallyok · 27/03/2018 14:56

DH's mum has been very poorly with dementia for years. Has reached critical point where can't swallow now so now being nursed by McMillan. DH 200 miles away but has made journey to be with her. He has called work to let them know but they want to know how long he will be off. There is no definite answer but she isn't eating or really drinking much now. Is he being unreasonable to wait until she passes away or should he be at work. He is worried about his job.

OP posts:

NinkyNonk1 · 27/03/2018 14:59

I'm sure there will be someone with better advice along soon. I have experience caring for elderly and can say that if this is the case then she will only have a matter of days. If it was me I'd expect my work to understand that I want and need to be with my mum at this time

Trinity66 · 27/03/2018 15:01

So sorry for you DH, his work don't sound very understanding :(

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/03/2018 15:02

Could he take compassionate leave? Or holiday leave?

Could he work in the day and then go and stay with his mum afterwards and travel to work again in the morning? It's only for a short time.

CharlieSays13 · 27/03/2018 15:03

In a similar situation my GP offered to sign me off work so that I didn't need to think about it. As it was my work were understanding and I used holidays and flexitime then a weeks compassionate leave after my dm had died. It's such a difficult time, good wishes to youreceive husband.

ArcheryAnnie · 27/03/2018 15:04

I think wanting to be with your mum as she dies is pretty damn reasonable.

The Macmillan nurses might be able to make a guess as to how long his mum has got, which in turn might give him information to reassure his work. If she's not eating or drinking, it can't be that long.

My mum was on the Liverpool Care Pathway (which doesn't exist now) and although she had been eating close to nothing - despite our best efforts - for some time, a week of not eating at all carried her off. I don't regret a second of the week I spent sitting by her bedside then, and I should imagine your DH won't either.

Eliza9917 · 27/03/2018 15:06

As above, it will be a matter of days now. His work sound like arseholes.

freckletwin · 27/03/2018 15:07

My grandfather has just passed away. We were told the end of life pathway is an action plan for the last 72hrs. Obviously this isn't an exact time, but it won't be long.

Hope your dh's work are understanding and your mil passes without suffering.

HollyBayTree · 27/03/2018 15:08

You have to play these things by ear. We cant answer whether he is unreasonable or on in a situation like this. Each person will have a different perspective depending on their relationships

When you say 'they want to know how long he will be off' to you mean his manager does or HR want to know? Two different things, a manager is entitled to ask, he has staffing and departments to run.

If my job were precarious, and I were your DH I would try and find some middle ground. Does McMillan give any clue - as in its a matter of hours, a day, or a week? If it's the latter then I probably would have gone to work, and taken the Thursday off, assuming DM may pass over the weekend.

There will be many priorities at play here, job security, finances, and so forth. And the 'what ifs' - what if she doesn’t pass away as quickly as anticipated and is still with you in a week? What about bereavement leave? How long can he reasonably expect to take off without facing a disciplinary? Is a sick certificate feasible? Can he offer to use some of his holiday?

I really hope you can find a solution to this, it's another layer of stress he really doesnt need.

GrumpyWhenHungry · 27/03/2018 15:08

Hate companies who make terrible situations like this even more unbearable.

I hope he's with his mum at this time and best wishes to all of you.....no constructive help from me though

QueenOfIce · 27/03/2018 15:09

I left work in a hurry to be with my mum I am so glad I did, I know a job pays the bills etc but time with your loved one who's passing is imminent is time that he won't get back. He's not unreasonable at all to not go to work. Can he get signed off for a little while? Thankfully my work gave me great support and have always said that family comes first.

I hope your mil has a peaceful passing and I wish you and your dh strength in the coming days.

Trinity66 · 27/03/2018 15:09

Could he work in the day and then go and stay with his mum afterwards and travel to work again in the morning? It's only for a short time.

200 miles each way?

ichifanny · 27/03/2018 15:10

Tell him to get signed off by GP this time is very precious and can’t be done over again , he should be able to be there and not worry about work .

retirednow · 27/03/2018 15:10

He can't say how long he wants to be with her, i would ask for compassionate leave, annual leave and If they get funny ask for unpaid leave. Being with his mum is where he wants to be, he may also need some time off afterwards to sort things out. Like a pp said he can always go to his gp to be signed off. Give him our best wishes.

pigshavecurlytails · 27/03/2018 15:12

It's not sick leave, he isn't sick. Please don't put your GP in a difficult position by asking them to sign a fraudulent sick note. He needs to take compassionate or annual leave - thinking of you and him OP.

HollyBayTree · 27/03/2018 15:14

It is stress - I was offered - plaease note offered, not requested - the same by my GP when faced with a similar situation. It isn't fraudulent.

JaneEyre70 · 27/03/2018 15:15

I used to work in a care home, and it never ceased to amaze me how such tiny frail old bodies could carry on for days and even weeks without food/liquid. It's really individual, to be honest, and even the nursing staff may be pushed to give you an estimation. With my nan it was around 5 days, with DH's dad it was less than 48 hours.

Astrabees · 27/03/2018 15:17

Where I work I am routinely given sick notes for staff in this situation, anxiety and stress is the usual wording.

Bluelady · 27/03/2018 15:20

His work really are being cruel. I sat with my mum for eight days. It was the least I could do for her. I imagine many people feel the same. It's inhuman to put pressure on him at this time. If his GP will sign him in ff with stress, that would be enormously helpful. Poor man.

CruCru · 27/03/2018 15:21

To be fair the the husband's workplace, the OP has not said that they have kicked off or got nasty - only that they want to know how long he is likely to be off for. There is a chance that they are going to hand some of his work over to other people so deadlines don't get missed.

Yes, ask the Macmillan nurses how long it is likely to be and then tell work in a matter of fact way.

I hope that the next few days are not too hard for you and your husband OP.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/03/2018 15:21

How can anyone expect someone to work when their mum is dying?

headinhands · 27/03/2018 15:27

My gp signed me off with stress when my dad was in ICU after a heart attack. I stayed with him for the early days when he was fighting for his life. Even if I wasn't with him I couldn't have worked knowing he was hooked up to all sorts with a small chance of survival.

Haberpop · 27/03/2018 15:30

I have just been in a very similar situation with my dad, my GP was very understanding and has signed me off with emotional trauma. Compassionate leave in my workplace doesn't start until the death actually happens.

SlothMama · 27/03/2018 15:32

Can't he ask for compassionate leave? I know of a company who is currently refusing to give compassionate leave to a Dad who's child is terminally ill and has weeks to live. It's disgusting that companies do this to people. You should be able to spend time with your loved ones before they pass.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 27/03/2018 15:32

My Mum was on end of life care for 5 days.
It's hard to know what I would have done if my job had been on the line if my work had not been understanding.

AnnaMagnani · 27/03/2018 15:32

Usual route is to be signed off sick. Having been just been in this situation with DH, no way could he have been at work (and luckily I was on holiday) and in the immediate aftermath he won't be fit to work either.

You only get a few days max compassionate leave and it often isn't enough.

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