DH mum on end of life pathway is he being unreasonable to not go to work

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DH's mum has been very poorly with dementia for years. Has reached critical point where can't swallow now so now being nursed by McMillan. DH 200 miles away but has made journey to be with her. He has called work to let them know but they want to know how long he will be off. There is no definite answer but she isn't eating or really drinking much now. Is he being unreasonable to wait until she passes away or should he be at work. He is worried about his job.

Have these bosses got mothers!? Dear me. Sorry for your situation OP. Like PP have said GP sick note if the company keep being arses.

Does he have a written contract with info about compassionate leave for illness or death of a loved one? If so, take a look and see what he's entitled to, but bear in mind that he's going to need time after the death to sort out and attend funeral and deal with all the paperwork, closing of accounts, visiting lawyer, etc. If he's worried about his job then he should perhaps consider returning now as Easter weekend is coming up and presumably he'll then be off for four days. You never know how long it will take for someone to die, but it can be longer than you're expecting.

Standard is only a week for compassionate leave. He will need time off after she dies as well.

Boxing day 2017 I was told by her Macmillan nurse that my sister only had a few days to live. She died 8th February. She lived 160 miles away. Thankfully I'm self employed so was able to spend a lot of time with her. She didn't eat at all in any of that time but was taking sips of water until the last few days.

I think it's very unpredictable. The care home staff seemed to know (sense?) that she would pass away when she did. They were wonderful.

It's so very difficult to know what to do. If the OP's job is at all precarious then I'd probably work as much as possible. Having said that, I treasure these last few days I had with my sister and I'm glad I was with her at the very end.

Elderly family member was 5 weeks without food, nearly 3 weeks without water (no I didn’t think that was possible either). She was expected to die in the first week.

So very hard to guess how long it will take. I’d look at annual leave.

This also happened to me with my mum. My employers were excellent, but I did keep them up to date as often as I could. It was less than 48 hours in the end but I knew they would have been fine if it had been longer iyswim.

I am so very sorry you are all going through this. My own experience is of my mum who also stopped being able to swallow and had no food or drink, just mouth care. We were told that it would probably be 2 - 3 days before she passed away but it was actually 9 days . So my point is it can all take longer than expected.
Thinking of you.

Devilish My gran lasted two weeks without water or food, then started drinking and eating again. The GP did not believe that she had no water in that time, but she could not get a drink by herself so we knew it was true.

Of course this is very distressing. But from an employer's point of view they need to know whether the person is going to be absent days, weeks or months. If it's going to be longer than a week the best thing is to get signed off with stress. IMHO. Because if work aren't being sympathetic they're unlikely to grant any substantial compassionate leave.

Horrible isn’t it crunchy. My mum was there the whole time with her (& she also couldn’t drink alone - actually at all as her swallow went). None of us could believe how she kept going. She was in her 90’s and very tough!

If someone is so affected by the near death of a loved one that he is unable to work then how is that fraudulent?
But he's not so affected that he can't work. He can't work because he's 200 miles away. He's worried about his job because he has to make a decision between working & being with his mum but that's not anxiety & stress that he should be signed off for, it's just needing to make a decision. If he talks to the Macmillan nurse he might get a better idea and then he chat to his boss. They need to know because they still have a business to run - they might say 'take a fortnight and let us know then' but right now they have no idea if it's likely to be days, weeks or months and they can't plan around that. Give them a chance to be sympathetic by giving them as much info as possible.

Devil My gran was in her 90's too. Yes it was horrible. We thought and were told she would die quickly, but no. When she did eventually die, it was slow and long. Until that point I had never seen anyone die and I found out it was nothing like they show you on TV.

My mum died just over 3 weeks ago. She was admitted to hospital on my weekend off and we got a call at 2am on the Monday morning to say she had deteriorated. We went up and they felt there was little more they could do. However she was moved to ITU by another shift of Drs and spent the next 12 days there before they put her on palliative care pathway. She passed away around 6 hours later. I go back to work tomorrow after almost 6 weeks off in total. Work have been nothing but understanding and I would expect any company to show some compassion in such circumstances and not chase to see how long he will be off unless they need to draft in other staff to cover his work.

My leave has not been paid as I only get 3 days compassionate leave so have had to cash in my annual leave that’s left for the year (till end of May so not too long) so, next month will be a frugal one with us ensuring bills are paid and anything left over will be a bonus.

I’ve had to ask people how long they expect to be absent in situations like this. Not because it’s a problem if they’re off for more than a few days, but because I need to know if someone has to take over their duties for the foreseeable future.

People are (understandably) rarely clear about what they’re asking for in these situations, and the meaning of “my relative is dying” can vary wildly. Some people mean actively dying now and others mean they don’t have long but it might be weeks or a month or two. Sometimes people who are asking for a long leave of absence to be a carer for a terminal relative phrase it as though the relative is on their death bed, when in fact they need at least 6 months off. Which again, is fine and can be accommodated, but only if its made clear that that’s what’s required.

Then there’s the issue of how much time people want off after the death. For some it’s days, others weeks, and almost everyone just assumes that what they want is the norm so they rarely say how long it will be.

I know it’s an awful question, and I never expect anything resembling an exact timeline, but employers do need to have some idea of how long their employees will be off.

The response is that at this point in time you don't know other than it is imminent. If you are caring for elderly parents you can often get unpaid leave in the same way you can for children - depending on the company. I would also say to them that obviously once she has died you will also need time to grieve so could well be looking at a month

A colleague of mine had a child who was very ill with cancer and eventually died. She was off sick as her gp signed her off. We all knew, it's just how it is dealt with. It's not fraudulent to ask his gp for a sick note.
Work will be asking as they need to reassign his work if he's off a while.
He should report sick and get a sick note. They will probably write it without even seeing him.

Stress of any sort warrants a medical sick line and death in a family member is one of the most stressful events , nothing fraudulent about it .

Anyone saying that watching their parent die isn't suffering anxiety and stress is unlikely to have been in that situation. Had I been working when my mum was dying I'd definitely have been signed off. I was completely incapable of working. I imagine most people would be the same.

Exactly bluelady I couldn’t concentrate in work knowing my loved one was dying .

Maybe his manager wants to be able to reorganise his work for him so he can concentrate on being with his mum. That’s what we’d do at my work if we knew someone would be off for a few weeks.