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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give my boyfriend an ultimatum?

72 replies

Someonehelpmi · 27/03/2018 10:19

We have a 5 week old baby, both our first. He often will leave us over night one or two nights a week to get high and smoke weed with his friends. We're not the richest of people so it fruatrates me he will spend money on this, instead of putting it towards rent etc. Whenever I bring it up he says that I'm trying to put him under house arrest and stopping him from seeing his friends. Not the case, I have no problems with his friends however they only want to get high and never just go out for a drink/watch movies etc with my boyfriend because they don't understand the responsibility he now has. They still live with their parents rent free while we have a household to run. Anyway sorry for the rant but basically last night I have him an ultimatum and said to him he has to chose between me and out child or getting high with his friends, no compromise. Was I being unreasonable? Or manipulative? We should be leaving that part of our lives behind now

OP posts:

BadLad · 27/03/2018 10:33

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

Sounds like he became a father long before he was ready and mature enough.

Karigan1 · 27/03/2018 10:35

Unless they are smoking very large amounts it would probably cost more for them to go to the movies by the time you count the tickets popcorn etc or a drink with rounds.....

Karigan1 · 27/03/2018 10:36

Presuming it is just weed that is!

Aprilmightmemynewname · 27/03/2018 10:37

Karigan but surely it should be his dp /dc that benefits also from his spending at this stage in his life?
Sounds like you have a baby and a teen op. Be prepared to follow through with the ultimatum though.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/03/2018 10:37

Yanbu for goodness sake. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it OP. He's acting like a selfish prick.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/03/2018 10:37

Was I being unreasonable?

No.

Or manipulative?

Noppity nope!

You are the adult here looking out for your baby. He is a man child.

I think you'd be better off without him to be honest. What selfish shite puts getting high over his baby? You deserve better.

HollyBayTree · 27/03/2018 10:37

I have him an ultimatum and said to him he has to chose between me and out child or getting high with his friends, no compromise. Was I being unreasonable? Or manipulative?

In my experience, ultimatums never work. Personally an ultimatum wouldn’t work with me because I will not ever be told what to do. But I accept I have a strong personality and I will not bend to anyone else’s swill.

That aside. Back to ultimatums. They rarely work because the person has to want to actually do the thing you are demanding of them. If you issue an ultimatum be prepared that it is highly unlikely to work and will have the opposite effect.

Quite bluntly, and I'm not kicking you whilst you're in a bad place, what was going through your mind when you actively decided to start a family with a dope head who doesn't prioritise you? You’re both clearly in very different stages in your life.

MarthasGinYard · 27/03/2018 10:37

Of course it doesn't, no one with an ounce about them would put up with that. Not conducive with family life at all.

Was your Dc planned?

How long together, is he very young?

QueenofmyPrinces · 27/03/2018 10:39

Unfortunately men like this very rarely change and you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you think he’s going to drop that lifestyle and play happy families. I may be wrong, I don’t know him like you do, but I have a feeling you won’t get the happy ending you want.

You, your baby and the house are not his priority - having fun with his friends is. He is a selfish man child.

I would just stop waiting for him to change (which he probably won’t) and just make plans to leave. Do not raise your baby in a household where frequently “getting high” is acceptable as a parent which your partner seems to think is that case.

YorkieDorkie · 27/03/2018 10:40

Get rid. You'll get full custody on account of his drug abuse. What a scum bag!

PinkHeart5914 · 27/03/2018 10:42

Surely he has always smoked weed though? Did you think he would magically change once you decided to have his baby and be dad of the year?

No doubt when you got pregnant you knew what he was like and your ultimatum won’t achieve anything they rarely do and his not going to just change. So 🤷🏻‍♀️ You either leave or accept his always going to get high instead of being with his newborn child

HollyBayTree · 27/03/2018 10:44

You'll get full custody on account of his drug abuse.

Unlikely if he's never been prosecusted and a couple of wraps isnt going to get anything at all.

And "custody" was done away with years ago

troodiedoo · 27/03/2018 10:48

Yanbu. He will choose drugs though.

Karigan1 · 27/03/2018 10:54

Dear April, the OP has a problem with the DP spending money smoking weed with his friends and her criticisms include that he just smokes weed and doesn’t go out for a drink or cinema with them. I was merely pointing out that her suggested preferences would actually probably cost more since her issue appears to be money not the weed smoking itself.

I don’t actually smoke it myself but work in a field where we get to know local current prices.

DairyisClosed · 27/03/2018 11:02

You did the grown up thing. Well done you.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/03/2018 11:05

He sounds like a teenager as do his friends. Don't be surprised if he chooses them above you and if they are all exactly the same in ten years' time.

cuppateamum · 27/03/2018 11:15

Ultimatums are difficult - he will feel you're trying to have total control over his life, this can make anger and not help in the long run.

That said I don't think you're being unreasonable in expecting him to change his lifestyle now you have a baby.

But it takes people time to 'grow up' and move into the next stage of their lives, it take adjustment, it can be slow. It took DH a looooong time to come to terms with the fact he can't just go out and party like he used to. He felt deprived of his freedom, his own social life, now he accepts kids come first and is happy about that. Doesn't mean he can't go out on his own occasionally, but it is occasional.

If you feel you can compromise on this maybe that would work better than a flat ultimatum. If you can maybe cope with him having a night out every fortnight or once month or something maybe that would be a start. I would try and talk this through and work out a plan for the next few months. Then keep talking.

ATM your baby is very young, it's a massive change for you both and no doubt you're tired and a bit emotional. He actually might be feeling out of his depth and going out as an escape from his new responsibility. You've got time to talk and try to make this work for you all. In the meantime take good care of you and baby, look after the basics of eating and sleeping etc.

You've got at least 18 years of responsibility for that tiny person ahead so there's plenty of time to try and work the current situation out.

CotswoldStrife · 27/03/2018 11:20

Are you quite young yourself, OP? Because I agree with PinkHeart and think he is unlikely to change so presumably you are willing to carry out your threat and leave?

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want your partner to be out smoking weed but someone who did that wouldn't be my partner in the first place.

MrsDilber · 27/03/2018 11:22

Yanbu. He needs to grow up.

bonnyshide · 27/03/2018 11:24

YANBU

He will chose drugs though, because he immature and not ready to be a father.

He was obviously like this before and during your pregnancy, did you think he would change?

WellAndTrulyCurbed · 27/03/2018 11:46

The thing with ultimatums is that you must follow through or they are completely pointless and you'll end up worse because he'll know you're full of shit.

Of course, I can't help but wonder why you didn't address this before deciding to have a baby. You must have known what you were getting in to.

Thymeout · 27/03/2018 12:20

Would you seriously be prepared to leave your bf over this? Where would you live? Can you afford to support yourself? How would you cope with your baby living apart from you for half the week, if he wanted 50-50 residence?

What do you object to most? Overnights with his friends twice a week? Smoking weed? The expense? You need to sit down with him and work out a compromise. It needs to be fair to him and fair to you and be based on rational argument. Does he look after the baby while you see your friends? Do you budget so each of you has their own spending money?

No point in issuing an ultimatum unless you're prepared to carry it out. You both need to behave like adults now.

kubex · 27/03/2018 12:24

If you give an ultimatum, you have to be prepared to actually follow through with it.

If someone laid down the law with me and gave me an ultimatum, i would tell them to get on with it. But i don't do well with demands.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/03/2018 12:24

much quicker and less stressful to leave.

put your energies into planning a much better life without him - because it will come to that anyway.

work out where, how much, how it will all work - and tell him you are taking the initiative and moving on. He can join you if he wants to.

Original poster

Someonehelpmi · 27/03/2018 12:25

@Karigan I meant just sitting in watching Netflix at ours or something.

@cuppatea I think my DP feels the same, can't get his head around the fact he doesn't have as much freedom to do what he wants anhmore. Our DP is still young so I am giving it a little bit more time. Last thing I want to be is controlling, im just a bit resentful as we've only just about gathered enough for the rent and he got £50 of family and went straight to the weed when our cupboards are empty and our baby is powering through the formula at the moment (I'm sure you know it is not cheap!)

He used to smoke alot but stopped a while before we got together, but then he lost his job and went back to it. Our son wasn't planned no, we are both early twenties and were not together for very long, he didn't pressure me either which way said it was my body and whatever I did he would do his best to support it. So he has essentially been sort of forced into a situation he wasn't ready for and can't get his head around the fact things need to change. Not that I'm condoning it. He started again when I was about 4/5 months pregnant so I guess I was extremely naive and in the clouds a bit with thinking he would change. I'm so invested in him and our life together, it's why I hit the point of desperation with the ultimatum

Im just a bit of a loss, we both have similar traits and backgrounds so discussions don't stay discussions very long and often end in explosive arguments, not very good with a baby around. It's the same arguments over and over. I don't want to bury my head in the sand either, I'm just stuck

OP posts:

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