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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give my boyfriend an ultimatum?

72 replies

Someonehelpmi · 27/03/2018 10:19

We have a 5 week old baby, both our first. He often will leave us over night one or two nights a week to get high and smoke weed with his friends. We're not the richest of people so it fruatrates me he will spend money on this, instead of putting it towards rent etc. Whenever I bring it up he says that I'm trying to put him under house arrest and stopping him from seeing his friends. Not the case, I have no problems with his friends however they only want to get high and never just go out for a drink/watch movies etc with my boyfriend because they don't understand the responsibility he now has. They still live with their parents rent free while we have a household to run. Anyway sorry for the rant but basically last night I have him an ultimatum and said to him he has to chose between me and out child or getting high with his friends, no compromise. Was I being unreasonable? Or manipulative? We should be leaving that part of our lives behind now

OP posts:

magoria · 27/03/2018 15:21

He put drugs over rent, food and nappies.

Then sulked when you gave him a choice.

His first priority is himself and his weed.

Unfortunately yours needs to be you and your baby.

Start putting into action what you need to do so that you and your baby are sorted.

Original poster

Someonehelpmi · 27/03/2018 20:52

So he just left to go see his friends who he smokes with chances are he won't come back. I'm the first to hold my hands up and say I'm a complete pain in the ass, a nightmare to be with and completely annoying but the difference is I would never leave my child to go without so I can do whatever I want. He turned it around on me saying i never wanted the relationship, just looking for an excuse to leave etc. It's such a ballache to move back home after registering the birth and everything else but I'm determined to follow through. If he shows he really is willing to change I will give him a chance with his child. DS won't be used as a pawn

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2018 21:21

The fact that he left tonight tells you all you need to know

I’m sorry

caringdenise009 · 27/03/2018 21:28

It just won't get any better I'm afraid. I went through similar, and from what I hear, two wives and one child later, he is still the same.

Also, he sounds like one of those men who prey on a woman who is intelligent and has more prospects than him, then drags them down because it makes him feel better about himself. You are a recent graduate, what level education did he complete?bet my house he is no where near you.

You've told him weed or us, now he is out for the night. There's your answer. Weed wins. Now you can either end it or try for as long as it takes and then end it. I understand completely you feel you have to try for the sake of your child, but he is not trying and he never will. If you were my daughter I would pick you up and take you in and thank God you saw sense early enough. It's so much harder as your child gets older.

WellAndTrulyCurbed · 27/03/2018 21:47

You gave him an 'ultimatum' but then decided you should give him a chance? That's not an ultimatum, that's just you bitching at him and he showed you how much he cares by going out anyway. You've also downplayed it a LOT since your first post, ending with what a pain YOU can be. I'm sure by the time he gets home you'll have decided you're at fault here as well. After all it would be such a hassle to move home.

This is the risk you take when you decide to have a baby with someone after 5 mins. Rarely ends well and probably won't here either. This is the role model you've chosen for your child. Have a good look and ask yourself if this is how you want your child to grow up.

Original poster

Someonehelpmi · 27/03/2018 21:58

@wellandtruly a chance with his child yes, with me, not at all. My parents split up when I was younger and I still managed to see my dad one a week?

@caringdenise I met him while we were both working at a bar, he finished secondary school no more futher education (nothing wrong with that in general). It just hurts, knowing that you are not enough motivation to change, makes you question yourself.

OP posts:

Creambun2 · 27/03/2018 22:01

weed smokers are selfish losers

AngelsSins · 28/03/2018 08:58

OP, what's he like the rest of the time? Does he look after the baby on his own? Do the majority of the house work (seeing as he's not working and you had a baby 5 weeks ago)? Does he give you time to relax, change nappies, do night feeds etc?

I ask because if he does all of this then maybe there's a glimmer of hope and he's thick rather than 100% selfish (although I'm struggling to get past him spending money on drugs rather than food). If he leaves all of this to you then it's pointless, he doesn't see his child as his responsibility and has no empathy or respect for you.

ShatnersWig · 28/03/2018 09:10

This "relationship" has been a disaster pretty much the whole way and sadly a baby got mixed up in it. Sounds to me like you need another fresh start.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 28/03/2018 10:25

I agree ultimatums rarely work as they cause resentment

Do you want to stay with him as he is no. So tell him I don’t think is best for out baby and myself and plan to move on

If he wants to change he will but not becuase you want him to

Original poster

Someonehelpmi · 28/03/2018 10:27

@angelssins I do all the housework and cleaning/washing/sterilizing once I've put the baby down after his change and feed in the morning. He does cook us dinner most nights so there is that I guess. There was a glimmer of hope in the first week, after he was determined to break the cycle and be the father he never had but he's just given up as soon as it's gotten hard. I can't just wait around for him ubfortunatley while there is a baby to be looked after.

OP posts:

BodakBlue · 28/03/2018 10:37

You would rather your boyfriend go for a drink and spend money on alcohol but you don't want him to smoke weed with his friends? You okay hun?

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 28/03/2018 10:53

BodakBlue She's not saying she would rather him go out and spend money on alcohol, I think the point she was making was that instead of just going for a LEGAL pint with a couple of his friends once in a while, he instead spends all of his time sitting at one of their houses smoking weed and staying out all night. There is a bit of a difference.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation, OP. And I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I don't think you should be together. He does not want to put his baby first. He has a 5 week old, he should not be leaving you overnight one or two nights a week to take illegal drugs. It is unacceptable.

Original poster

Someonehelpmi · 28/03/2018 16:14

@bodakblue fair point but I was more trying to say I wish he had friends who realised sitting around smoking isn't the only thing you can do to socialise.

@wemustgetoff I know we shouldn't be together, it's so much easier that you'd think to be manipulated by someone aswell. Guess I just have to attempt to start making the steps to move away

OP posts:

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 28/03/2018 19:51

@someonehelpmi I promise I do know how easy it is to be manipulated, and it is so so difficult. Do it for that little one of yours.

MeltSnow · 28/03/2018 20:11

Well I’ll say it! You have been stupid and naive but what’s done is done and all that matters now is what you are going to do about it. Everyone makes mistakes but if you learn from them then it’s no so bad. The only thing that matters now is doing what’s best for your child and for yourself.
TBH, I’d be just as concerned about the ‘explosive argumemts’ than the weed smoking. Explosive arguments are not something that should exist in a healthy relationship.

Have you got any supportive family members or friends about to talk this through with and to help you out. It’s hard enough dealing with a little baby even if you have a supportive partner.

Original poster

Someonehelpmi · 31/03/2018 09:44

Well I did it. I'm back home with family, I got blamed for everything wrong, called a child snatcher etc etc. Now I have the hassle of dismantling an entire flat i had put everything into making a home .

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 31/03/2018 10:10

Well done for getting out. Hope you can get things sorted out for you and your baby.
Make sure your health visitor knows where you are - and can pass you on to you local team - just incase he does try to report you for taking the baby. Think about your tenancy too - idea your name is on it you need to get it sorted. If it's a social tenancy don't just take your name off - try to get it transferred unless you plan to stay with family permanently.
Good luck.

MeltSnow · 31/03/2018 10:16

I hope that you are OK, that must have been extremely difficult but it definitely sounds like you have done the right thing. Try you very hardest to keep things as calm as possible for you and your baby.

Good luck.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/03/2018 10:55

You tried to make it a home but it was a mirage.

Your new home can be your real home. I expect that a year from now you will be so glad you did this.

Oddcat · 31/03/2018 11:03

I'm glad you're out , this relationship is doomed. I personally would only use an ultimatum when the persons choice wouldn't really be a big deal to me. When the decisions someone else has to make that potentially have a big impact on my life , I think I'd be making decisions myself and not be giving the other person the choice.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/03/2018 11:59

Hi, I am so glad you have gone to your parents.

Of course you got blamed. He will continue to blame you, so stand firm.

You have made a sensible, mature decision which is for the best for you and your baby. Allow yourself to have a 'Yes, I did it' moment! You deserve it.

He is an idiot, and is now just embarrassed that he will have to explain to people why his child and partner have now left.

It is not your fault.

Have a lovely weekend with your little one and just allow yourself a little while to recover, before you start working out access and all the legals.

You will soar.

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